To the members of this forum:
Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is John, and I’ve come here seeking advice and links that will allow me to help a friend and co-worker of mine who has been diagnosed with lung cancer. Please bear with me as I fill you in on the details.
I’ve worked with my friend Joe (I’m using pseudonyms for his and his wife’s names out of respect for their privacy) for about ten years. About two years ago, I was promoted and am now his supervisor. He and I have remained friends during that time, and I also know his wife, whom I’ve known for about fourteen years. He’s about thirty years old, with a three year old daughter, and has always been in the best of health (non-smoker, does not use tobacco).
He suddenly began feeling ill last week, and had difficulty breathing. Within a few days, he went downhill rapidly. His lungs had to be drained of fluid twice, a sizeable mass was detected upon them, and a lymph node was removed from his neck that tested positive for Stage IV lung cancer. His wife Jane told me that the disease has spread so rapidly that the doctors say he has anywhere from six months to two years to live – probably somewhere in the middle of that. They still have no idea what caused him to get cancer at such a young age, but agree that barring some miracle, it’s terminal.
Needless to say, they are devastated. Jane is attempting to remain strong in front of Joe, but she’s of course heartbroken and terrified at the impending prospect of life without him. Joe, who has always been a bit of a pessimist, is teetering on the brink of a depression that Jane and his doctors are desperate to keep him from having, since that would only help the disease spread faster. His mother is the only one of their parents who is able to help them, and she’s obviously in pretty bad shape herself, considering the sudden devastating news about her only son.
Jane has asked me to be her liaison at work, (all three of us work for the same agency). She’s asked me to inform all the appropriate people of their situation, and get the paperwork in motion to deal with his extended (and probably permanent) absence from work. I’ve done this, and will of course do all I can to smooth the nightmarish paper trail that’s always generated by this sort of thing. But I have several other concerns, and that’s why I come to this board’s members seeking advice.
Joe and Jane are very private people, and don’t want a lot of attention about this, or calls from people at work. As both his friend and supervisor, I’ll be having a great deal of contact with both of them in the coming months, and frankly, I’m at a bit of a loss as to how I can be the most help to them. For example, I’m not sure how to behave around him. My first instinct is to behave normally, and not give him the impression that I’ve “written him off” or anything like that. But we normally joke a lot, and I’m worried that it might now come off as me not taking his situation seriously, which is absolutely NOT the case. I want to say something to comfort Jane, but what? I held her and let her cry on my shoulder, but I’m at a loss for anything to say other than “I’m here for you,” or “We’ll get through this,” – in short, things that seem like empty platitudes. I can hardly tell her it’s going to be OK, because to put it bluntly, it won’t be.
These people are my friends, and I want to do right by them in their time of need. But I feel I lack the knowledge to do it properly. How should I act? How can I best support them? I would greatly appreciate any advice, links, or other information the more knowledgeable members of this board might be able to provide.
