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Posts posted by JoniRobertWilson

  1. My mom called one day just freaked out cuz the plumber looked just like Robert. She was beside herself. She said she would take me to him so I could see. I politely passed!

    Then one night, Alex and I were Hometown Buffet (gross) and there was a guy similar to Robert - wearing an almost idential leather coat. I just stared and stared. Course, he wasn't as cute as my Robert but it was good to see.

  2. Man, I can relate to the memory loss. I'm only 40 and I am having a hard time remembering ANYTHING. Someone said it was grief. I'd believe it. Glad he has someone looking out for him.

    As for the vulture. I can't believe the ba..s on some people. I know my uncle married my aunts best friend shortly after my aunt died. I was amazed. It just doesn't seem right HOWEVER I think your dad probably can't see the forest for the trees right now and he'll probably give her a good kick in the fanny soon.

    Best of luck to you!

  3. The first thought in the morning is always Robert. I know of one and only time where I didn't think of him immediately and that was when Alex had been sick the night before and I wanted to go check on him.

    Since the rush of the holidays and birthdays are over I find myself thinking and talking to Robert more and more. I still can't dream about him and I wish I could.

  4. I too have these feelings but mine even incorporate many more questions of what if? I have never ever told anyone this and perhaps I haven't because it sounds so far fetched and quite frankly it sounds like a lie but here goes.....many months before Robert was diagnosed I walked past him in the hall in our basement and this wave came over me that he needed to have a chest x-ray. Don't ask me why, and don't ask why I didn't say that him at the time. I feel guilt about that a lot. I feel guilty about making him (??) quit smoking because what if his body was use to that and him stopping triggered the cancer? Should we have gotten a 2nd opinion earlier, should I have made them prop him up in bed once he got to Hospice Inpatient? I knew his body was filling up with fluids and that he was only comfortable sitting up. Instead I just watched him and I too administered morphine into his body when I knew it stopped his prostrate from working from previous experience. I just wanted the pain gone from him and to let his soul go. My soul is tortured and I question myself too. I guess it will be my burden to carry. I try to make up for all my shortcomings by being a good mother but I'm failing there too. I feel like I want to go on and get out of this horrible dream. I think Alex would be better off without me but then I realize I'm his saving grace as he is mine. I'm really pissed at God lately and feel like I'm losing ground fast.

    I wish I had great words of wisdom for you. I imagine we all feel guilt about 1,000 different things but like someone else said Cancer killed them, not us.

    Thanks for bearing your soul - I guess it makes me feel not so alone.

  5. Hi. Guess we're in the same boat.

    I felt like a hollow shell while trying to sort out the legal crap we've been left to deal with. Some people are great, some are emotional idiots.

    It's been 5 1/2 months and I'm getting through the paperwork part but still not done. Probably won't be for a while. It sucks.

    I went through a "psycho paint stage" where I painted the house! It wasn't to clear at the time but looking back I must have been crazy. I think I'm through that stage and then had to deat with the holidays. Now I wonder what stage will be next ....anyone need a room painted? LOL

    To me, it's almost like Robert was never here. I think my brain is blocking him out to be quite honest. I don't know how we'll all get through this I just know we will. We'll be strong and we'll get through.

    Good luck to you

  6. Hi sweetheart,

    I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's hard enough being a kid, now you have very grownup worries to think about. I'm sure it is hard for you to function normally. it is hard for us grown ups too but I think it has to be even harder on the children of parents with cancer. I wish I could tell you not to worry, or I wish I could take it away for you. I really would if I could. My only advice to you - okay I have two pieces of advice. One is to just deal with one day at a time. Don't go any further than that one day. Sometimes, I'll start trying to plan my son's wedding, college career, WHATEVER! and he's only 9! HA HA. There isn't anything we can do about tomorrow. Enjoy today. Your dad's wish is to get better and for you to be okay. My second piece of advice is this, pray. I'm not really good about following that advice myself sometimes because right now I'm a little angry at God but when I try, and when I talk to Him, I do feel better. You are not alone. You try your hardest and hang in there and don't keep this all inside. Let it out. Talk to the school counselor or have your mom find you a therapist.

    You can pm me whenever you want just make sure you check with your mom first!

    Take care.

  7. I think that seeing a doctor to get an anti-depressant is a good first step.

    I also think that the fact that his sadness is leading to a safety issue (the driving) is something that should really be talked about. Could he take a week or so off from work? Could he car pool? That's just scary. I know what he's going through regarding not being able to stay focused and concentrate. I think that is a "normal" sign of grieving.

    Does he get on the board? Would it help if he communicated with one of us? I don't know how much good I'd be but I'd be willing to help him if I could. I lost my husband of 10 yrs on 7/14/04.....

    I love the quote too about getting stronger. That's my new mantra....or is that motto? I don't know.

    This grieivng sh.. is awful. It's awful. Bless his heart and yours too for loving him.

    Good luck.

  8. Thank God the holidays are over! Man, I'm tired. The only thing major on the calendar is Alex's birthday party which is scheduled for Jan 8. We're having a skating party and it looks like it will be fun. Robert's sister and her family and his mom are coming up. I think his dad is also planning on attending. I hope everyone gets to come up and I hope the weather stays nice for their drive.

    I don't know about you all but I'm ready to get back to a routine of school and work, school and work.

    Alex and I were at the park today and the sun was setting over the lake. The sky was beautiful - pink and blue and it was kinda cloudy. I wondered if Robert could see us and what he'd be thinking. I sometimes wonder if I had been the one that died what would he be doing? Do you guys ever think that? Somehow it gives me comfort to think he might be doing the exact same thing I'm doing. It does not give me comfort to think that he can see us though. It's too much pressure. NOt that I'm doing anything "wrong" its just hard to think of him watching. I know he's in Heaven and I know he's waiting on us.

    I really liked the quote posted by someone earlier - it's not that it gets easier, it's that we get stronger....I really like that.

    I hope you all are well.

  9. Hello everyone,

    I'm asking for prayers for me and Alex tomorrow (12/29) - he turns 9 and it will be his first birthday without his daddy.

    I've got the day planned (packed) full of fun but it's going to be hard without Robert.

    Please pray that we feel Robert around us tomorrow and pray for my heart to have peace. Pray that Alexander has a day that is fitting a great kid turning 9.

    Thank you very much.

  10. I'm glad you had an easier time - I'm sorry you had to deal with the gifts from your mom though - I bet that was gut wrenching.

    My husband had bought something quite a few months before he died for my sister - from a school fundraiser - when it came time for her birthday I couldn't bear to give it to her that day but waited until the next.

    This is just a crappy time. Glad Christmas is over.

  11. I know what you mean! I did "good" until my brother in-law opened the "traditional gift" from my dad - a box of shells and his hunting/fishing license for the year. That was one thing my dad always got Robert and Jack. It was a yearly tradition. It just hit hard. Also, this is stupid, but each and every year - we always sat in the same place opening our Christmas gifts - me on one end of the couch, Robert on the other. This year - for whatever reason, my nephew sat in my spot forcing me to sit in Robert's. Stupid huh? Some reason felt odd. Maybe thinking about it, it was a good thing - no empty spot on the couch, just in our hearts.

    Today has been insane trying to "take down" Christmas trees, lights, decorations. I'm exhausted. The only thing I couldn't get down are the lights the go up on the high part of the roof. I'll call out my friend to take those down - he's young and can do it easily. Other than that everything in thehouse is back to normal except the office is full of empty boxes. Guess I'll work on that tomorrow.

    Alex and I have played some pool and had a few laughs. He's a strong one.

    Well, it's over. Thank God. Now I've got to get through Alex's 9th birthday and New Years Eve. Good luck to us all.

  12. I can't believe it's really Christmas Eve. I know the calendar says it's December 24th but how can that be? How can we have Christmas without Robert? It' seems so unfair. I know my husband is in Heaven and I know he is okay but we're not. We miss him. I miss him making his spinach dip and dressing. I miss him having to run out at the last minute to buy one more gift. I miss his worrying if Alex had enough gifts for Christmas, hopinghe wouldn't be disappointed.

    This year is so empty without him.

    Robert, honey, Merry Christmas. We love you and miss you. I know we will see you again someday. Please keep an eye on Alex - he's growing so fast and turning out to be just like you. (Thank God).

    Our love to you from ground to God.

  13. In Robert's case, he had the radiation to the chest done first. They were going to do the brain rad after the completion of his chemo. Robert did his radiation in conjunction with chemo.

    Hey, I've read where they do rad 2x a day with better results. Might ask doc about that. Don't know if your mom is up for that but if never hurts to ask.

    Best of luck

  14. Time

    I guess the one thing that makes losing someone we love so difficult is the unknown. Did we do enough? Did they know they were loved? Do they know we still love them? Are they with us? Those questions and many others go through my mind 1,000 times a day. And when my heart and mind seem to be slipping to the "negavtive" side I remember that I believe in God and I believe that Robert is with him. I know that I loved him, I know he loved me. I know I cary him with me each and every minute of each and every day. I think you are the same Lily, I think you know you just need to let yourself believe. You can close your eyes and remember what it was like and I know you can still feel him. I'm not saying "move on" - I would never say that - I would never want anyone to say that to me - just take one step forward, one step - take him with you when you do but take one step towards knowing the answers to those questions.

    We all care and want to help.

  15. Hello everyone,

    Thanks for posting your feelings and experiences. I sometimes wonder if I grieve correctly....you know what I mean....am I doing what other people expect to be done....do I seem not be bothered, too bothered? I have just learned about myself is that I want to grieve in private I don't really want to share those times when I feel like my stomach is going to explode and my eyes shoot out of the sockets from crying so hard. I like talking about Robert to others but not about him dying.

    I look at those people who sleep/cry/not eat/ etc and I wonder, did they love their friend/family member mroe than I loved Robert, am I strong or am I weak?

    I'm afraid of what's ahead and I worry ALL THE TIME about money and Alex - almost to hte point of not having energy/time to officially grieve.

    I bet I sound so stupid...sorry.

  16. I'm so glad Thanksgiving is behind us. Everytime I mark a "first" off the list, I'm grateful to have it over. Now, in the next 3 weeks I have my 40th birthday, the 12th anniversary of meeting Robert, Christmas and Alexander's 9th birthday. I'm thinking a nice slow, constant prozac drip would be nice. Thank God I'm not a big drinker...

    We're going to the cemetary tomorrow to take out some poinsettas and a sign Alex made. Good Lord, how awful is that. This is so ridiculous. We should be home together tonight stressed out about the holidays but at least we'd be together. I'm worried about how all of us will make it through the holidays - my family, his family and friends, we all miss him so much. This sucks.

    I hope you each survived the holiday. I'm really grateful you are all here to listen and understand.

  17. A good friend and co-worker of Robert's at Boeing sent me an e-mail today. It seems that when Robert left Boeing to work at another company a few years ago, he gave her a notebook. She wrote that she felt compelled to look through the notebook today and found 2 letters from me. These letters were written to me almost 8 years ago when we moved from our first home to this one. She said they are quite moving. She is mailing them today. I almost jumped out of my skin. I can't wait to read them. She said there was a picture of Alex with the letters.

    I must admit I've felt Robert around throughout the day. Like he is busy around me. Hard to explain.

    I was in charge of a luncheon for 80-90 people today and I really wish he'd been around to gripe at about the problems. I wish he were there for Alex too.

    Alex has seemed pretty reserved today. Trust me, that's not normal.

    Maybe it's just the weather. it's rainy and cold. I just started a fire and he's all hyped up about watching something on the Animal Planet.

    Bless him!

    Can't wait to get the letters from Robert

  18. I read your post and could relate to quite a bit.

    I don't think there is anything at all wrong with you. My gosh, you've given so much of yourself to care for her - that is what is important, that is what makes you special and caring and loving. It's not the amount of tears you shed when someone dies. When Robert died, I was right by his side. I honestly don't remember if I cried or not. I remember getting really hot and sweaty and not being able to stand. I know that in that moment, his body became really, hard to say, but not important to me. I did everything possible for him when he was alive and when he died I knew that my whole heart and soul had to be directed to our son. I've cried plenty. Probably MORE than normal if you ask my 8 year old son and probably LESS than normal if you ask people who don't know me. I will grieve how I grieve. I don't judge anyone else on their grief and I sure hope no one is judging me. Let your mind relax and if you can, take some time out of your day just to think of her. I listen to the songs playd at Robert's funeral sometime. Sometimes they bring me comfort and sometimes they make me cry. Depends on how much ativan I've had that day.

    Please be easy on yourself. You've done good.

  19. It has been 4 months since Robert passed away. Somehow it seems like 4 years. He's been gone longer than he was sick. Unbelieveable. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone. I look at his picture and think it can't be true.

    I guess we're doing alright considering we've lost our rock. We make it to work and school and pretty much stay caught up on all of our responsibilities. I don't know how we're able to do that honestly. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I wonder if I should still be laying in bed crying? I don't want anyone to think that I'm not devastated by his loss. I just feel like I have to take the best care of Alex that I can. He's too damn good of a kid to let go and not keep trying.

    Tonight, on our walk, I imagined Robert waiting at the end of the block. Just looking up the street with his leather coat on and hands jammed down into his pockets. He was just waiting. Maybe he's just waiting for us in Heaven. How I wish I were there with him. Desperately.

  20. Hi,

    I lost my husband on 7/14/04. I relate well to what you were saying about having a child keeping your mind occupied. If I remain focused on him or obsessively painting my house (long story) then I feel "ok" but give me some down time and I just think "I'm done with this" I don't even believe it happened I certainly can't see the rest of my life (I'm only 39) alone with out him. I think that expressing how you feel is important - feel free to share with us. I think we understand. Take care.

  21. Ok, this sounds pretty pathetic to be so excited about this but, I think I fixed our gutter problem! I was up on a ladder for a couple of hours yesterday removing covers from our covered patio (weird set up) and cleaning them out. It was quite a mess but I was thrilled to be trying. While I was up there working I just kept trying to think about how Robert would be doing it - slowly, methodically, in no hurry and not getting frustrated - and I tried to do it that way. My way is exactly the opposite.

    Here is the big reason I'm so excited. When I showed my mom what I thought the problem was - she said "you'll need a MAN to fix that". Oh my gosh - that's the wrong thing to sya to me. I had planned on dressing in PINK when I did it but settled on khaki (just kidding folks).

    I don't know if I ever posted how Robert could fix anything & everything and I feel quite helpless at times. I don't want to hire something done all the time and I'm trying to give my poor family a break!

    Alex was a big help bringing me the hose, etc. We were quite a team.

    I missed Robert terribly yesterday but I really do think he was proud of us.

    Thanks for listening to this minor milestone!

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