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Posts posted by JoniRobertWilson

  1. Ashley,

    We will be "celebrating" (LOL) Christmas and Thanksgiving for the first time without Robert this year as well. I'm not quite sure how we're going to do it either. This is going to sound so weird but while I was reading your post I just thought you needed to go buy something with the Philadelphia Eagles on it and donate it to the homeless. Seriously, does that sound weird? I just thought of it.

    Robert wasn't a big "fan" of anything except his son and last time I checked Walmart they weren't selling anything with a big "Alex" on it. But, thanks to your letter I will find something I know Robert would like and I'll donate it. Brand new - something decent for someone homeless. Robert would like that. I imagine your dad would too.

    Each year, we would buy for a child from the donation places in the mall and I'll do it again for him too.

    I still count my blessings each day although I lost the best man in the world. He gave me one terrific son who I am determined beyond words to raise as he would have.

    Perhaps knowing we're all out here struggling with our pain will make us all feel less alone. Glad you've posted again. Best of luck to you.

  2. I feel the exact same way. since Robert died, I'm Alex's only parent. You know, I couldn't care less about life if Alex wasn't here but because he is here, I want to stay healthy for him for as long as he possibly needs me. I'm trying to think more about my health. I'm turning 40 next month and I think I'm going to try and turn a corner to healthy living. At least I will feel like I'm somewhat in control. I do know however that cancer strikes whenever it feels like it - smoker, non-smokers, drinkers, non-drinkers, skinny, fat, smart stupid - it gets us all if it wants us.

    I also think i tis quite normal for us to be afraid/concerned with dying. We've been through hell.

    Focus on the children of yours and just keep up on all medical tests you can have to keep your mind as clear as can be.

    god bless.


  3. Today is our 11th wedding anniversary. I wonder, even as I type this, do I say it would have been our 11th or it is our 11th? What? What is it suppose to be?

    I wanted to do some special things today and hopefully will still be able to do that. I just want to be with my son and spend the day thinking about Robert. I've had a ton of good memories come back to me today. I'm grateful for those. I've been blessed to not be burdened with the "cancer" memories. Thank you God for that.

    I rec'd flowers today from a friend and calls from other friends and family. I'm very fortunate that others are remembering me today but I don't seem to have much tolerance for talking to people.

    I believe that my husband is in Heaven and I believe he is waiting for me. I miss him terribly. I try and "conjure up" what he felt like and what it was like to put my head on his chest. I think I can almost feel him although it doesn't even come close to being what I need. I need him here with us.

    Robert, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for loving me and making me into a better woman. You are missed deeply. Happy Anniversary.

  4. I just had Alex's parent / teacher conference and it went pretty good. Alex rec'd all 3's (B's) with the exception of one grade. I thought that was great. He's even reading above his grade level! I'm really proud of him.

    The teacher said she can look over at him and his mind is wondering at times - I told her I knew exactly how that was! I've never experienced this kind of grief - it is almost impossible to keep your mind "on task" all the time. I'm sure it's even harder when you are 8.

    Alex and I had some good "quality" time together last night looking at his baby book and talking about Robert. It was quite hard. There were tons of pictures of Robert, Alex's great grandmother and his beloved dog Annie. He really showed some emotion and I was so grateful. He's such a smart guy - he has a great little spirit.

    He keeps me going I must admit. If I didn't have him I don't think I could have the strength to survive.

    Well, I hope you are all doing "ok". The change of seasons has been difficult for me as well as the thought of Robert not being here for our 11th wedding anniversary on Saturday. I miss him

  5. Hi,

    I think it is perfectly fine to feel angry. My mom has had 2 by-pass surgeries due (in part) to smoking yet continues to smoke. My husband smoked and died from lung cancer 7/14/04 yet she continues to smoke. Smoking is an awful habit. Here's how I try and curb my anger/frustration. I do not have perfect habits either. I don't exercise and my favorite past time is driving through McDonalds. We all have short comings when it comes to our health. Your mom is no exception. You can still be angry about her smoking and continue to love her. I can't turn it off, I just try and remember none of us are perfect to our bodies.

    In regards to the cancer coming back. I'm so sorry. I'm not so sure wha tis worse - we never saw remission with Robert - it was 4 months from dx to the day he died. Cancer is ridiculous and awful and unfair. I think that lung cancer is especially brutal and unforgiving.

    I can't imagine losing my mom at 31 o rthinking about losing her now at 39. I lost my husband this year and my son lost his daddy at 8. I can tell you that there is never a good time. I would just say that each day is a gift and although your mom is sick, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow and WE ALL must choose to be gentler and cherish each moment with each loved one.

    I hope your mom is strong enough to wage another battle against this beast and I wish you well. I hate cancer. I hate cancer.

    Best of luck - and God Bless

  6. I've always heard that the worst comes out in people when a family member dies. I don't understnad it. I agree with your statement that people should come together in an effort to comfort each other.

    I think right now if you can focus on your own heart do that. If it is too hard to box up your father's things, take a break. If the girlfriend wants it done in a certain time frame she should "feel free" to do so. If she wants you to do it, do it in your own time. You can't rush those types of things if you can help it.

    I try and remember that no one understands anyone else's grief and we shouldn't judge how others grieve. Hopefully there will come a time when there is some peace in your heart and you can forgive your family for their shortcomings. I'm not so sure I'm there but hey, I can give you advice can't I? LOL. This just sucks. That is all there is too it. It sucks and it's hard but we have to keep breathing.

    Good luck in taking of your father's company. I'm impressed. I can't even get the da.. cellphone switched over to my name!

    God Bless

  7. Dear Cat,

    I'm sorry you're having to face these issues but you are being awful brave even putting your thoughts into words.

    My husband had to leave his son . Robert never got the chance to say goodbye as he slipped quietly to sleep for several days before he died. We didn't think he was so close.

    Robert also didn't say "goodbye" to me either. He never left me with instructions on what he wanted me to do or what he wanted for Alex. He did tell me these two things

    1. Do whatever you need to do to be happy.

    2. Please think of what I'd say to Alex when you're talking to him.

    I'm grateful he didn't say too much. I'd have felt awful if I didn't keep his wishes and I'd be stressed out to keep them.

    The thing is, I know his heart and his desires for his son and I'm trying so hard to keep that alive. I hope you have someone like that in your life.

    There is nothing for you to tell your children than they don't already know in their hearts. How do you sum upyour wishes for them in words? Just let them know you love them with all your being and that leaving would have never been your choice.

    God bless you as you face this awful time....I'm amazed by your strength and love fo ryour kids.

  8. I'm posting on the general site and hopefully will reach more people.

    My husband passed on 7/14/04. He had "contracted" with a cell phone company. Both our phone numbers were on one contract. I contacted them about a month or so after Robert died to get the contract put into my name. They sent me a bunch of paperwork - seriously more than what I had to fill out for life insurance - and I sent it in. I guess I didn't complete it all - who really knows. Anyway, I've talked to this company so many times - they knew he died I sent them a death certificate - conventiently they didn't get it.

    Now, they've sent me a bill for $175.00 disconnect charge because I cancelled Robert's serivce before the contract was up. I called and got a smug young man on the phone. He was awful. After I argued with him about this he said I'd need to send in the death certificate again. I said, well, after dealing with you, what will happen if I just cancel everything since you don't really recognize me as a customer? He said, "well, we won't go after you per se, we'll go after your husband's estate. He was such a as-. I repeated my request to speak to a supervisor. By that time I'm sure I sounded like a hysterical woman - crying and not being able to talk.

    I will be visitng the local store and hand carrying the death certificate and a copy of the paperwork I already sent in. I'm horrified by the way this company treated me.

    Our life insurance agent even came to our house to have me sign paperwork and then again to deliver a check. This phone company won't even cut me one break.

    The manager I talked to said she had taken care of the $175.00 charge . I said as I hung up the phone - I certainly hope he never has a loss like this and gets treated as horribly as he just treated me.

    I guess what I'd like to do if form a boycott on this company but that is probably unrealistic. What is logical is just to let you all know that if you have an opportunity to get paperwork in order BEFORE a tragedy do whatever you can. After you are devastated by a loss like I was brain cells are non existent!

    I can't believe that a cell phone company has been the biggest road block into getting paperwork done.

    Thanks to all of you for listening. Sorry for the big ramble but.....

  9. Don't even think you're alone feeling like you are. I remember after Robert died I couldn't even read about people still fighting the disease. I wondered all the time, why couldn't Robert be one of the ones in remission - My mind and heart have experienced so many emotions but I guess I was shocked when I felt like I did - how can someone "old" have a better outcome than my 42 year old husband. Shame on me. But I realized I'm only human, as you are and it's only natural to feel tha way. I think I'm slowing moving away from those feelings. I read the obituaries now and see so many people our age. It's all a shame that we can't all live long healthy lives.

    I hope your pain lessens. I know it's a long hard journey.

  10. Abby,

    It's good to hear from you! I enjoyed our conversation the other night - it seems like it's been a long time since we talked but I have no concept of time anymore.

    What your husband's son wrote was wonderful - thank you so much for sharing.

    I hope you are doing well. How's the new job?

  11. Hi,

    I'm 3 months (as of 10/14) of losing my husband and hate to tell you this but I'm still working on paperwork too! Maybe you were blessed with more organizational skills than me but I just keep finding more things to deal with. I'm reaching the end of my paperwork purgatory and so hang in there. Sometimes I felt "glad" to have it to do - because it was something to do. Otherwise I would have sat my butt on the couch and done nothing. I guess we just have to ride this out. I miss my husband terribly and want to remember exactly what it felt like to reach out and touch his leg when we were in the car. He had great legs. Big, strong manly legs! What a hunk he was. I know you're having a hard time - thanks for posting - it's good to know others that are out there that feel the same way. It makes the world seem not quite so large and alone.

  12. I thought I was making such "mental" progress, dealing "well" with losing Robert. What I mean by that is I was getting out of bed each day (not always with a smile on my face by any means) and taking care of Alex, etc. For some reason, the last few days have been awful. I've been unable to get Robert's face out of my mind the last few days of his life when he was so confused and scared. A certain event just plays over and over in my mind. I also think about the period between 7/9 - 7/14 constantly which is more than depressing. I broke down the other night thinking Alex was in bed but, unfortunately, he heard me. I hate that - I don't mind if he sees my crying but not wailing and doubled over.

    I need to know why this happened to my family? I need to know why such a GREAT man was taken from this earth. I'm working myself until near exhaustion each day just trying to stay ahead of the horrible images. The only relief is when I take my Ambien and pass out. My anger towards our oncologist's nurse is growing as well. I had pointed out a lump to her on Robert's back and she said it was a "fatty" cell. Bit..h. I wish I could take something away from her too. So damn arrogant and what makes it so bad is she got backed up by the doctor when I confronted him - he said, well, she's been with me for 15 years...


  13. Great stories - Robert never had a favorite food thing like you all describe but he always kept a stash of chocolate around the house for me. He had to hide it and then in those desperate times of needing a chocolate fix - he'd point me in the right direction and off I'd go to soothe the savage beast. God I miss him.

  14. Alex (8 1/2) started 3 Trees tonight and thank God he liked it. This is a place for "grieving children" and man they sure know what they're doing. I'm so very grateful to have this place here for him. a safe place where he can say what he wants to say.

    I've told Alex since Robert died he could say whatever he wanted to me, no matter what it was. He's talked pretty freely I THOUGHT! Tonight one of the volunteers tonight said one thing she hears time and time again from the children is that they don't want to share their feelings with their parent(s) because they don't want to make them cry, or make them sadder. I shared this with Alex on our drive home and he said - that's exactly how I feel! Well, being a woman, and his mother, I watned to pull the car over and have a huge chat! Alex, being a male and 8 believed he'd pass on that option! (HA) Anyway, it was good to have a "valve opened" so to speak and know that perhaps his emotions will start flowing. He seems "perfectly happy" but I know pain is there hiding waiting to rear it's ugly head and attack and I want to be as ready as possible.

    I'm so thankful to have his little man in my life. He makes every breath I take worth breathing, every step I make worth making and I know I'm so blessed by God to have him.

    Well, just had to share my good news - feeling upbeat tonight about this huge step for me and Alex.

  15. Sometimes, it's the "nice" things that make us miss our spouses so much. I know Alex and I went to a skating party the other night for his elementary school and all the parents were sitting around talking. Our table was always full of "couples". The table where the husbands liked coming with their wives and kids. There were always about 4 couples and we'd all sit around and laugh. The women would all talk about how good looking hte PE teacher is and the men would all grumble. It was an empty feeling of huge proportions. I always liked sitting there by Robert and listening to his "take" on everything. It was always witty and we always had a good time. His absence, like everyother time was like a huge hole, unable to ever be filled.

    And by the way, You can throw a party like that for your little girl too! You can - you might not "flow" through it like Becky but you can. Do it for both of your girls.

    And don't use up that calendar.

  16. Thank you guys. I guess I must sound pretty ungrateful, huh? I know I'm so fortunate to have such a wonderful group of people surrounding me - I just reached my wits end last night! I had spent the afternoon with a financial advisor about what to do about money - yuk! I just want to have money in the checking account when I go to pay bills and thats just about all I want to think about. Of course, realistically, I know I must have a plan and it was pretty stressful!! THEN, here is what just did me in - Alex, while riding his bike went right through a stop sign - never looked for cars or anything - well, I must say I completely lost it - I bet you could hear me screaming for miles and miles.

    Ok, thanks again for the advice and the support and for not thinking I'm a loser!

  17. It seems like everytime I post anymore I'm having a bad day. Well, I'm having one again.

    I'm sick of the following:

    1) People not respecting that Alex and I are a family. (I.E. if people "pop in" and we're eating dinner, they stay. I just feel like if Robert were here they would respect it's family time.)

    2. Telling me how "good" I'm doing. Guess what? I'm not doing good, I just smile and nod when people are around cuz I'm not going to be the featured attraction that day "Widow Breaks Down". Not going to happen.

    3. Everyone now comes by my house - could you please just sit down, not decide I need my cabinets washed, my laundry folded or my plants watered "you better water that plant, it's oging to die" guess what, I don't care about he frickin plant - my HUSBAND died.

    4. Rude people at the cemetary for God's sake. Can't you count on kindness somewhere?

    5. People wanting info about Robert's treatment plan to pass on info. I don't want to talk about it! How many times do I have to say that.

    6. Still no peace. After 2 1/2 months, I'd like one day of quiet please. Please.

    7. I hate cancer - it just claimed the life of my neighbor too. It's everywhere, it's unstoppable and I hate it.

  18. My dearest Joni,

    I am writing to tell you that I love you. I feel good today and am

    pretty peaceful. I ache in my heart to be with you, just near you. I

    am so grateful that god placed you and I on the same path. I know that

    the portion of the path we are on now is not what either of of could

    have foreseen, but I feel so desperately close to you, so much in love,

    so grateful for your love. I looked at Alex leaning against you as we

    sat on his bed last night and burned that image into soul. It's very

    hard for me to look at it...sort of like looking into the sun. I love

    you both with all my heart and soul.

    I found this e-mail from Robert. He sent this to me from work one day, early in his illness while he was undergoing radiation and chemotherapy.

    I wonder if it's too private to share but this note just seems like he just sent it. He was only 42 years old (barely) and I'm only 39. I don't want to be without him. I'm so lonely for him and his big ol' self! He was larger than life and his laughter filled our home.

    Well, I'm off to get some sleep with a little help from Ambien.

  19. Each day seems to bring different feelings for me. I certainly have those moments where I seem to keep recalling each moment leading up to Robert's death. I think you have to think about those times to heal. You can lead your mind elsewhere so you don't dwell on it but I think that is a gift only time can give. That and drugs. My husband used to say it was "better living through chemicals" and I say take whatever the doctor feels is safe for you to take to get through those most horrific periods of grief. It's been such a short time for you since you lost your dad. I think one thing of grief I didn't think of is we grief for each person who also suffered the loss - in your case your sadness is not only for yourself but for someone you love and I almost think that is harder.

    I lost my husband but I feel sorry for his family, his friends, my family too, I know everyone who loved him is hurting.

    I wish God would grant me a pass for the next year to pass it all up so I don't have to feel this pain in my stomach and my heart but I guess, unfortunately we have to take the bad with the good (11+ years together and one great kid).

    I do wish you well. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, I really am. Hang in there.

  20. Karen,

    It's Joni - how are you? Ok, stupid question....I think I have a pretty good idea of that considering what you're going through.

    In regards to the trailer....since colder weather is coming soon, could you maybe wait until spring when you could use it each weekend?

    another idea I had if you buy it, take out a second mortage - you can write off the interest on your income taxes (yeah).....

    I guess my initial reaction is not to buy it - everyone else says go for it I know so I'm the "bad" guy but...you need to reduce your stress now, not add to it, do you know what I mean?

    I hope you are doing good. I don't post much, just kinda skim along. Wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

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