emurphy

They will discharge her tomorrow . She sounded exhausted- more MRI's , scans , etc. We hired a maid- my mom likes things very clean and we dont want her wearing herself out . I dont want to be wealthy- i lead a happy life- but I wouldnt mind it being a little easier to budget!!!! I am trying to think of this as the Cancer Lottery- and there has to be a winner somewhere- why not my mom? She says I am the most logical idealist in the world. I wish I could carry her- I am as strong as an ox. If I could give her blood, or an organ- and it could make her stronger, and less scared- it isnt fair really- she is so genteel and elegant. I am the rough one. All my life I have wanted to be like her- now we need her to be like me. May God Bless Everyone

Okay- the fish got flushed! Mom has an actual dx now- and its Stage four. They are going to start with radiation to the brain lesions - I will ask about the Gvax - thanks!!!- They will start chemo in 2 weeks after the first series of radiation- they want her to gain some weight ( the funny thing is- I have always envied my mom her 125 lb 5'10 - and of course painfully buxom & long legs physique- and now she would be better off with my 5'5, 175 !) And honest to pete if one more person tells me she might be better off not fighting this stupid monster I am going to scream. She wont move here and let me care for her- she asked me to respect her wishes as a mother- and a grandmother - and I told her as soon as she is better I am going back to not listening to her again . I told her abou you guys and the importance of being comfortable with her doc, looking for all treatment options, speaking up & out ( she is normally demure- not an inheritable trait !) She could not remember the Onc's name but will get it to me tomorrow ( she is tired) and then- "he n' me are gonna git right chummy". She asked me how I would feel if she did find all this tiring and I told her I would respect any decision - as long as she would respect it if it were me in her position- and I made the same. We are still sticking in Happy Land but we occasionally peek thru the window to reality. Thats okay- we need to do this her way- I dont care whose rules we play by as long as we are both still in the game right? I am still terrified- but now there are things to DO, better- definitely- and she isnt dying today- she is living today. And tomorrow. I told her what everyone said . I told her "Mom- you are not an illness, or a diagnosis- or any other damn thing they can put on paper and wrap in a big manilla folder" she told me not to curse. I cannot tell you how much you guys mean to me already- i want to be the voice of hope for someone like me next year. I have to go check out the info sites- thanks you guys!

You guys - thank you so much! I expect to hear from her doc tomorrow- theydid the bronchoscopy this morning and threw in a surprise bone marrow test this afternoon. I want to get her moved here ( i am in dallas, she is in texarkana) as soon as they will let her travel. I love her- i can take better care of her. I have to look into getting her assistance / medical treatment for uninsured - she was new to her job and had not been eligible yet for benefits. I called the hotlines and they are sending packets and telling me where to look. I thank God that there are so many resources available- including this one. I can handle being a caregiver- exhaustion, hard work, dirtiness, sore muscles, being broke- whatever--those are just little nothing irritants/ inconveniences, stupid stuff that matters for a second- not a lifetime. What i find unbearable is being afraid and not working- not trying to help , not knowing how- that makes me crazy crazy.I can and will do anything and everything- except wait and sit. There is power in knowledge- but there is more in action. i will let everyone know what the fish says- and if i dont like it- i will tell you if we fired him. thank you guys so much- i have added everyone here to my prayers.

My mom has a mass in her lung , lesions on her liver & brain and something about the lymph nodes surrounding her heart. Her liver & pancreas are swollen and "the fish" ( my personal assessment of the smug little ....doctor of my moms) has said that the therapy would be non surgical because of metasteses. I have been online all night- I just got back from Texarkana - all of this has happened between thursday & now- and quite honestly i feel like i am on a handful of codeine- everything is distant and removed and most of what i am reading tells me she is stage four ( the mass is large, the lesions are many) and estimating her life expectancy in weeks. Help me find how to save her- because weeks will not do it . I need her, my kids need her - and my 11 year old daughter - who is literally a misunderstood genious ( this is nothing to brag about- it is a gift of God- but it is a burden too) cannot lose the one person on this earth who can and does completely accept and embrace her differences . ( as her mother i have to keep her grounded- her grandmother doesnt- and she needs that so badly). Please tell me everything I need to do, read, demand of her docs, feed her & look into to save my mom. She is the best person you have ever known- she has worked with "special needs " people for almost a decade, and with battered women. She took care of her father, and takes care of her mother and never asked for or expected anything for herself. I am an only child- I lost my dad when i was 20- i cannot bear being orphaned- even at 36- she is my best friend- i am asking for your help- please.