angelb

Hi Everyone - Its been quite a while since I have been here - I found myself becoming more and more depressed re-living the whole experience each time there was bad news on the board, so I had to take a break to regain my life and strat participating in my family again. Today is not a good day - there is no celebrating, no smiles - just a great deal of memories. He dies almost 4 hours ago a year past. Its unfortunate becuase I am unable to be with my mom today - I know she is mouring just as hard today that she did last year. Why we remember at milestones - a year - two years - I dont know - really I know its just another day - no big deal, but I can help but feel very sad today. ANyways - Thanks for all you have done to help me express my thoughts and feelings - it has been a blessing for me. Angela Daughter of Rich (d)5/24/04

Hmmmmmm - Interesting........

That is so endearing.... Thanks for sharing with us.

Mine and hubby's 8th wedding anniversary is coming upon us on Valentine's Day, and so I thought to myself - since 2004 was a wash - so to speak - and all the problems we had originally then to have to find out that my dad has - sorry had cancer and that he only had a few months to live and they were freaking right - to my misery - ANYWAY - off that - We NEVER had a honeymoon - come to think of it - we never do anything - we will be married 8 years but we have been together 13 - we have never done anything for us - by oursleves - at all - isnt that sad..... Anyways my point in this is this - I booked a romantic mountian cabin for just the two of us for our anniversary in the VA (VA is for Lovers right?) Shenandoah Mountains...... I cant wait - I am so excited - even though it was a bit pricey - I think we are worth it.. and I think it will get us back on the right track. A new beginning..... here is the link to the view from the cabin..... http://countryplacecabins.com/Imagesgif ... stshot.gif I feel a bit like a school girl.....

Hi All. I know its been awhile since I have posted - but I am here at least three times a week lurking in the shadows. I am sorry Ry that I have never asked for a hall pass - I guess I am just skipping - and probably should be sent to the office.... Life almost 7 months later is still no better than the day my dad died. I have to say that it is easier for me to "go on" than my mom because I have so many distractions. Two small girls, a pain in the but beagle/basset mix, and hubby keep me on my tippy toes most of the time. Alyson (My 7 year old) has a project due next week where she has to do a timeline of her life with pictures - so we went through the huge amount of pictures I have taken since her birth. I have to say that I found pictures in there that I was not expecting, and the waterworks started up again. Its not better - its just a new normal - but it still doesnt fit quite right - its like trying on an outfit and it not fitting the way you want it, but you have to get it becuase there are no other options. I always call my mom on Sunday's - that is our day to talk every week, I havent missed one yet.... I told her about this timeline and was describing some of the pictures - not of him, but pictures in general - and she started to sob - hard sobbing - because HE WAS THERE when the picture was taken. My heart hurts for her so very badly. I wish I could just take SOME of the pain away. She misses him so much she can hardly breathe sometimes. It is so hard to even imagine what she is feeling, I have a hard enough time dealing with what I am feeling, and I know that the relationships and grief are different for everyone. My soul cries for her becuase I know she is never going to heal fully. I can't help but think of all the things we can never change - especially the "what if's" even though I know nothing I did or will do in the futre will change any of that. Its senseless to think about the things I have no control over. I would give anything to see her happy - truly happy again, but I dont think that will ever be. She chooses to be alone - no one will ever fill his slot - it would be like that outfit I mentioned above - and my mom will not "settle". Anyways - I am just soul bruised and wanted to check in.... Thanks for letting me babble on. Angela

Thanks for your input everyone. I sent the cookies and poem off yesterday - I just hope to give her a little bit of happiness in this year of such sadness. This is the first Christmas, and will be the first birthday (his) that will be felt enormously. I truly wish I could just be there for her, unfortunately we need the money this year and being a mother of two young children - I have no leave to speak of. At least my grandmother is there for her. Merry Christmas to everyone, may God bring each and every one of you peace and maybe just a little bit of happiness. Angela

I baked - 16 hours this past weekend - and I am sending some to my mom since I cant be with her this year (I have to work) - but I wanted to send a poem with the baked goods I am sending - and this is original, Please give me you HONEST opinion. Twas’ a Plate Full of Cookies Twas’ a plate full of cookies Full of sugar and goo All of that butter So yummy and true All of them don’t eat You must leave two or three For Jolly St. Nick And his fluffy snowy feet A tall glass of milk And plenty o’ napkin to wipe Confectioners sugar, and Many crumbs alight He’ll fly up the chimney And jump to his sleigh To the next house he goes On and on throughout the night Now --- The rest of the cookies Are yours to enjoy So let out your pants And eat them with delight I give you some happiness In these sweets I do send Devour them with pride Taking care to lick Each finger every bit Each morsel with love Thee I send to you Only once a year this comes I wish a Merry Christmas to you! Sending much love to you, Love Ang Original Poem by me, Angela 12/2004

I have read this and had a hard time deciding wether or not to answer. Its to each his or her own opinion, so I am sorry if I upset anyone. But right before my dad was diagnosed - my mom would tell me she KNEW something was wrong - becuase there was an odor in the air that she could only remember as my nana was emiting a few days before her passing. Yes, I believe it is an old people smell, its the chemo, its all the drugs, its the cancer, its all of those things. So after he was dx with this crap we all hate, she told me again that she knew something was wrog becuase he had a smell to him. I dont know if this helps or not. I just pray for you and your family to have a safe and happy holiday. Much love, Angela

Curtis - I just want to say "Thank you". You have just given me a most precious gift. I think that everyone here who has lost someone to the beast really is not into the holidays - I for one, and not looking forward to it and just wish it to be over, however you sent me a ray of light and hope, in that I need to be thankful for the blessings I do have and the things that I have learned in the past 6 months. Thank you for that, and I will be sure to hug my girls with just a little more love than usual and pray that they can distract me this year form the sadness and redirect me to the happiness. Thank you, and I hope that you and Katie have a blessed Christmas and New Year. Angela

Donna, thank you for this.. its beautiful and I am now in complete bawling mode. Angela

Not real sure if this kind of news would help, but Thanksgiving for my mom was just horrible for obvious reasons, but tonight we will lift her spirits when Aly calles her to tell her that her new nick name is now "Gap-girl" she lost one of her front teeth yesterday in school, and is absolutly thrilled about it and that the tooth fairy came last night and left her a "whole dollar" - her happiness makes my heart swell becuase she is happy and for once not thinking of how much she misses her Pa-Pa - its nice to have a happy diversion in between the two hardest holidays since my dad passed. I hope that makes someone else smile on the board and break up a bit of the voo-doo.. Angela

Shordy - try this link http://www.healthboards.com/boards/foru ... dbb43&f=29

Proud to be your Friend! Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip ahead. I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned... That I wish I could have told those I cared about that I love them one more time before they passed away. I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned.... That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. To all of you ... Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. It's National Friendship Week. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!! A personal note here from me - I just want to thank each and every one of you. You all were my Rock when my dad was fighting the good fight even though it was short. You were there for me when I needed to vent, to scream, to cry, and to fear. You all held my hand, so to speak and game me comfort that no one else was sure how to do. And for that I THANK YOU. God bless all of you! Angela YOU ARE MY FRIENDS AND I AM HONORED!

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty. He said...no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears were streaming down her face. The boy grabbed her arm and said....You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever! And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die... WASN'T THAT A SWEET THOUGHT!

LISA RUN, RUN as FAST as you can to another doctor! I dont have cancer, but it seems to me that you are not being treated for your pain, thats bs..... You need to seek other treatment as fast as you can - dont let this doctor run your life - only you are in charge... seek another doctor - I agree with Becky on this one, especilly with your family history. Angela

Thought some may be interested in this point of view: THE LAW IS THE LAW This is one of the best e-mails I have received in a long time! I hope this makes its way around the USA several times over!!!!! So Be It! THE LAW IS THE LAW So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it. And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it. And since they already have prohibited any prayer in the schools, on which they deem their authority, then so be it. I say, "so be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen. I say, "so be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions. I would like to think that those people have the American Publics' best interests at heart. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE? Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot Post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and it's employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life. I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter. After all, it's just another day. I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays. After all, it's just another day. I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all ~ it's just another day. I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct". In fact.... I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day.... What do you all think???? If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the minority opinions and begin, once again, to represent the majority of ALL of the American people. SO BE IT........... Please Dear Lord, Give us the help needed to keep you in our country! Amen and Amen

Curtis, I think Katie is the best date in the house! Let me know how the movie was if you went - as I havent taken Aly to the movies in awhile. Angela

Hi all, as you know I went to GA to see my mom this weekend and to also attend a seminar with John Edward. First let me say that everyone is entitled to their own opinions as to what their beliefs are, and I respect that. I am not looking to start a debate on whether or not it is real.. I think it is real for those who believe, and I am one of the belivers.. That being said, here is my opinion and only my opinion: AMAZING! I never thought I could sit in a room of about 5000 people and cry like I did. Though I have to say that we were not one of the fortunate ones that were "read" I still feel that I was touched, so to speak. It was absolutely, positively amazing.. There really are no words to really describe the feeling you get when you attend something like that, but I for one saw that there were no gimmicks, no prompts, just a funny guy with a huge heart and an unbelievable gift to connect. So I know that there were people here that would be curious as to how it all panned out, so that was the brief synopsis of my take on it. My visit however was short and sweet, but a visit is a visit. I miss her so much, I wish she would come home soon. On Sunday, I was the first one awake, and as I went downstairs, I was expecting him to be there to greet me in his usual "Morning" way. My mom told me that I was the first person to be back in the house since the services. It was an odd feeling, but better as I only cried once or twice. I can tell though my mom is still having a time trying to sleep. She slept most of the weekend I was there - which is fine - I think she got comfort knowing that there was another person in the house besides her. (Sigh) When is this supposed to get any easier? It pains me to see her hurt so much, even now - almost 6 months. I know as well as she knows this is a process - but how long will this process take? A rhetorical question, I dont expect an answer as I already know the answer is different for each person.... I am just thinking aloud. Thanks for letting me think out loud.. Angela

Ok, the last time my mom and I talked, she was telling me that she came in the house from work and she said she could smell my s-dad like he smelled when he was fresh out of the shower. She said it was so strong, she ran up the stairs into their bathroom, and she could smell his aftershave and cologne - of course there was no one there, and the shower was dry - And of course she cried - a lot..... And I have been dreaming about him... I dont quite remember what the dreams are of, just that I know I am dreaming of him. When I think of him lately - I cry - hard.... even though its been almost 6 months the pain is still very raw. I am flying to Atlanta on Saturday (Yea - no husband or kids!) to spend the weekend with her and to go see John Edwards from Crossing over. If anything, I get the spend the weekend with her...

Curtis, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Like the others, I cannot even begin to imagine the grief you still feel, and will continue to feel for some time, because I lost my dad, not my spouse, and I know that the grief is different for each relationship. You have done so amazingly well in the last 6 months. You have kept it pretty well together, I know probably not just for your own benefit, but for Katie's as well. Kids are creatures of routine. She is probably feeling for sadness and frustration, and loneliness. Kids pick up on that stuff pretty well, and take their cues for our behaviors. She will be fine in whatever you do. Maybe for your own sanity it would be better to take a break from school. If you are convinced that your work is lacking and you are struggeling to even concentrate, then by all means maybe a respite would be good for you. Quitting your job though, remember kids like routine, and seeing you not going to work each day might do more harm than good - but this is just my two cents. What have you decided for the Holiday's this year? I know for me and for my family it is going to be especially hard becuase it is the first as is for you and frankly I am dreading them. Since you have a nice little padding in the account, possibly you should take Katie somewhere special, somewhere you wouldnt have even th=ought about before. A trip of some sorts, just some FUN bonding time between Father and Daughter? And this would be something she is old enough and will remember forever. Again, just suggestions. We all love you on this board and know this is just another BUMP in the road, it will pass, and life continues - and with a 4 year old - it continues on busily. Take care Curtis, and hug Katie even more that she is being clingy, she may just need to be reassured as she is greiving too. Angela

No Cough, no real pain to speak of (Thank you, God) only his migraine like headaches tipped the doctors off that SOMETHING WAS WRONG, not even all the tests implied anything - untill he had a PET, then he lit up like New York City. I miss him so much.

Red Cordless Drill

This is a story my mom just sent me. Don't miss the lesson here, and please take to heart. A young and successful executive > > was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a > > bit too fast in his new Jaguar. > > > > He was watching for kids darting out from between > > parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw > > something. > > > > As his car passed, no children appeared. > > > > Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! > > > > He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back > > to the spot where the brick had been thrown. > > > > The angry driver then jumped out of the car, > > grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a > > parked car shouting, "What was that all about and > > who are you? > > > > Just what the heck are you doing? > > > > That's a new car and that brick you threw is going > > to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" > > > > The young boy was apologetic. > > > > "Please, mister...please , I'm sorry but I didn't > > know what else to do," He pleaded. > > > > "I threw the brick because no one else would > > stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, > > the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. > > > > "It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the > > curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." > > > > Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, > > "Would you please help me get him back into his > > wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me." > > > > Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow > > the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. > > > > He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into > > the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief > > and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. > > A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.. > > > > "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful > > child told the stranger. > > > > Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the > > boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the > > sidewalk toward their home. > > > > It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. > > The damage was very noticeable, but the driver > > never bothered to repair the dented side door. He > > kept the dent there to remind him of this message > > "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to > > throw a brick at you to get your attention!" > > God whispers in our souls and speaks to our > > hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, > > He has to throw a brick at us. > > It's our choice to listen or not. > > Thought for the Day: > > If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. > > If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. > > He sends you flowers every spring. > > He sends you a sunrise every morning. > > Face it, friend - He is crazy about you! > > Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to > > bless. God didn't promise days without pain, > > laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He > > did promise strength for the day, comfort for the > > tears, and light for the way Pass this message to > > seven people except you and me. > > You will receive a miracle tomorrow (just do it)!

Hi all, I havent posted much lately, having issues with dh and depression, but am working it out - baby steps. So here I am facing another issue, this time, I am seriously greiving for my Mom. Her 51st birthday is Saturday (9/25). Usually its no big deal except this time last year, she and my S-dad were on an Alaskan Cruise, and here we are, when they would be reliving those memories, she has to do it on her own. I want very badly to just show up on her doorstep, but she has said no repeatidly. So I can only do her wishes. I cant wait for her to come home to VA - hopefully by the beginning on the year if she can sell her house in GA and not lose any money. There have been a load of legal issus that are not going in her favor, so she is really not doing too well. I am just so concerned for her because I am still deeply greiving for Rich and I was not even around him all day every day. I know that she hates being in the house, maybe that is the reason she is drowing herself in her work. I dont know how to bring her any happiness. Already she has told me that his kids are starting to alienate her, so sooner rather than later she will only have me. Its times like these I wish I was not an only child - I could really use a sibling as a sounding board for emotional support - because my dh just doesnt understand. I am just so sad for my mom, oh, and by the way, this is nothing, here come the holidays - Thanksgiving - and Christmas - and the worst - will be New Years - for a few reasons - most of all because that was Rich's birthday, and second, because she will be entering a new year - like a clean slate without him. At least now she has the comfort of knowing that he was here in 2004 - in 2005 she cant have that. My heart is just broken over all of this. Thanks, for letting me get this off my chest and out of my head, I just dont have anywhere else I can get it all out. No responses are needed. Thanks. Angela

Please accept my condolences during this difficult time. Angela