Trish

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Michele, Reading your post--I totally get it! I put some video tapes in from Christmas several years and my kids were entranced! Listening and hearing and seeing my mom was like she was still her. I sobbed like the day she passed. Then, the more tapes we put in, I realized the same things you said. I do feel bitter too about her missing each of their events and I don't want them to forget about her. Maybe I need to get the videos out more often or is that more for the grown ups. Anyway Michele, when I read your posts and see the pictures of your kids & your mom, I feel your loss. I'm not sure that it has gotten easier but I used to know exactly how many weeks she had been gone and would think of it every Thursday but after the year mark and all the other stuff started happening, I feel like I'm just missing her more and like you, missing what she would be doing with her grandkids or the advice she would give me. I saw the stores making way for Halloween and it's almost like I dread Christmas coming this year. My husband told me that I have 2 kids who love Christmas because of all the traditions my mom had and that I need to pull it together for them and my sister and her family. He's right. I know how you feel though and if you need an ear to listen, I'm here. Trish

Thank you all for your responses! My sister called on Sunday and asked me to come over and get it over with--her was coming out in clumps and she just wanted it shaved off. She had me shave it in a mowhawk first and then take a picture. She figured this would be the only time she would do that. Then I shaved the rest off and she had me take a picture of her "bald" head and one with her new wig on. It was an emotional day but it also empowered her by making the choice to take the hair off before it came out. She is a teacher too and thought it would be good to go to school with the wig on the first day back with teachers. She thinks she feels better bald or with a hat and isn't sure what she will continue to wear. Her kids weren't quite sure either. Back to the situation with my Dad, I can see both sides. I realize my Dad doesn't need our permission but I kind of think the lady (being a woman and all) knows how hurt we all are and how their actions affect our family. We tried the sit down with my Dad and talk about it after he gave her the engagement ring after 2 months of dating her. He didn't want to talk about it or about the fact that this lady was doing nothing to try to not get us to like her, but communicate with us in anyway, even when we were there. If I was dating someone who had lost their spouse and had children and grandchildren, I would go out of my way to be friendly and try to fit in. There has been none of the above. She has two adult children who are married and an ex husband who is disabled with a mental problem and she says she supported them for 34 years. Now, she got married to my dad on August 3rd, they traded in my moms 2 year old car and this ladys car and my dad bought her a new envoy and now this week he tells me she is quitting her job and getting on his benefits. She is 59 and my dad is 64. Okay, obviously, I'm obsessing. Meanwhile my sister had to deal with going into school the first day with her new wig and put her l and 3 year old in a new preschool center and found out she will be teaching off of a cart! A phone call from a father would be nice, wouldn't the new wife suggest this? Sorry to vent again--My husband and I had open house at school tonight for my 8 and 10 year old so it's back to the hectic life! We have enlisted extra meals from friends and my aunt and sister in law and me so they have meals in the freezer. I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. Guess I need to get over it and move on and focus totally on my sister. Why do I feel like I've lost my Dad too even though he says things aren't going to change although they have changed in the way he treats us and I do want him to be happy. I don't know much these days, seems like my mom would have known what to do or say to him and he wouldn't have argued with her! Thanks again, Trish

Well, I haven't posted much but I still read the boards almost everyday. When I first started here, I read about Ginny and Earl and today I read that it has been almost 3 years since he passed. I realized that maybe I should post some of my recent griefs and maybe the dark cloud over my family might lift. Where do I start? My dad started dating this lady in December and gave her an engagement ring 2 weeks before the one year anniversary of my moms death (march 16, 2006). This threw the whole family into "defense" mode. He was to wait for an annulment to come through before they married. Then, my 34 year old sister noticed a lump under her arm and in her breast. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at the beginning of June. She and I are both school teachers so this was just at the beginning of our summer. My sister has a one year old and a three year old. She went to Cleveland Clinic and had surgery and the tumors and lymph nodes removed. She is Stage 2A but has Grade 3 aggressive breast cancer that is triple negative (not affected by estrogren). She is doing dose dense chemo and started August 3rd. My Dad and this lady got married by a mayor on my sister's first chemo day. He swears he didn't know but the fact that this lady has never respected my sister or brother or my feelings about our mother passing. Everyone is fighting and my dad says he just wants to live and have this lady quit her job and get on his insurance. He is retired from GM. He said we would be invited when the annulment went through and they were married in the church yet none of us knew they were planning on getting married Aug. 3rd. My sister had her 2nd chemo Friday and is fighting for her life. I'm helping with her and her kids as are her husbands family who live out of town. My brother got into a fight with Dad and they won't speak and my sister is devastated and I didn't speak to him for 4 days and then told him I didn't want to fight and that we needed him. Does anyone want to chime in here or is it obvious? My sister is my best friend next to my husband. My mom was always my best friend but my sister and I have become very close and now all of this. I'm sorry to vent and maybe I should delete this post. Am I expecting too much that this woman would apoligize or my dad? It has been 2 weeks and they feel they have done nothing wrong. My sister's hair is coming out and I'm supposed to go over and shave it tomorrow. We start school in one week and I feel like the "normal" family that my mom held together is turning into the Jerry Springer show! I don't want to lose my Dad , as if that hasn't already happened, though he says nothing has changed, and my sister needs me and my husband and my 2 kids. Thanks for listening. I just needed to write it down because it just doesn't seem real or possible. Trish

Kelly, I'm a teacher too and I totally know how you feel. Sometimes, I think I had more trouble thinking about going back to school until I actually forced myself to get back into the classroom and a routine. Once I did it, it was like, okay these kids and the routine of the day got me out of my funk! It is so frustrating to have to worry about the before & after care of your kids when your mom used to help you out. My husband teaches too and switched to the junior high schedule so he will be here after school to be with the kids. Do you have any other family to help you? Oh, the things our supermoms did and how we miss them! Hope you are getting into the swing of it! Trish

Val, You know that I am with you on not being ready for the "Grandma" name yet. This time should be about you and the new baby you are about to bring into the world. Your feelings are important and you have been open to allowing your Dad's happiness. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I'm so sorry that you have to struggle with this right now. You already have the hormone thing going crazy and missing your mom but to add this, at this time...at some point you have to put your feelings out there and hopefully your Dad will see that you aren't trying to hurt her or him. Gosh, I obsess over this and I just feel for you right now...it will all work out--after all, this time should be about the new baby coming!!! I'll be thinking about you! Trish

Kim, Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you weren't allowed to go in to be with your mom. I can feel the pain in your words. I'm with you about wishing you could get the last couple of weeks back with your mom. Thinking of you, Trish

When I read your post, it really hit home with me!! We always had the easter egg hunt at my mom & dad's house. Last year, my mom had passed away a couple weeks before Easter but had us get everything ready for the grandkids and had made sure we had everything that she used had done. This year, everything is so foreign!!!! My Dad is engaged to someone he has only known for 3 months and she will be there with her son/daughter and their families. I have had 35 years of a solid tradition and I totally understand where you are coming from. I too, just feel so sad to not be able to share all of the joys of spring with my Mom. I really understand.... Trish

Val, My mother in law passed away 3 years ago at the age of 61--I was 32. Two months later my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 62. My mom passed away a year ago at the age of 64 and I turned 35. When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, she was just one month away from being 5 years free of breast cancer! My sister, who is 2 years younger than me, had her first baby one month after my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. She had her second baby the day before my mom passed away. My sister was able to check out of the hospital early and bring her new son(who was less than 24 hours old)to see my mom. Mom passed away an hour after she held her new grandson. I am totally at a loss for what is "normal." I miss my mom everyday and want to call her everyday. My kids, who are 10 and 8, have lost both of their grandmas. I didn't lose my grandparents until just a couple years ago and they were in their 80's. I don't know how to deal with all of this at this age. My relationship with my sister is at a different level because we don't have our mother and I sometimes want to do what my Mom would have done for the grandkids. Gosh Val, you are younger than me, and I think you are really strong! I am now too dealing with the situation of my Dad getting engaged before my mom was gone one year to someone he only dated for 2 months!!! That has almost been a loss in itself. I've just read what I wrote and I didn't intend to write all of this and be so depressing. The posts just opened a lot of anger, sadness, and I guess just pure loss. Sometimes, I just don't know how my mom did all she did! Trish

My Mom was 62 when she was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer and 64 when she passed away. She almost made the 2 year mark. She had 2 chemo breaks of 4-5 months each where her quality of life was so good, no one could believe she was Stage IV! My Mom had a positive attitude and never had an ER visit or hospital stay during her sickness. In the end, she passed at home with all of her family around her. As my Dad always reminds us, my mom took cancer for a ride and got off when SHE was ready. She did it her way!

Randy, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to do this. Seeing all of the names reminded me of all the wonderful people on this site who live on through their posts or their family's posts. Hoping for a cure in 2007. Thanks again for your thoughtfulness, TRISH

I can't believe Jimben is gone! I loved reading his posts and his fishing stories always brought a smile. He will be missed...this has been a tough week....thoughts are with his family... Trish

Don, I was shocked to see that Lucie had passed. I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts....Trish

Lori, I'm sorry that your mom passed away. I have been thinking of you and your mom a lot the last couple of weeks. You did right by your mom and she knows that. Mothers and daughters have a bond that no one or anything can ever take away. I don't know what to say.....you and your family are in my prayers. Trish

Melinda, I am thinking of you and your family. Words can't express what I know you are going through. You are in my prayers....Trish

Hi, My Mom did experience the jolts when her patch was upped to 100. In fact, we had to back her off of the 100 patch because it caused a lot of confusion. We also had to take all of the medicine in the house so we knew exactly what she was taking. Taking all of her meds was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It made her and me feel like we were taking away her independence. I'm sorry you have to go through this---I hate this disease! Trish

Hi Val, My Mom has been gone 16 weeks today and I can't imagine how you are feeling with the one year mark coming up. Have you thought about doing something with your daughter that your Mom did with you when you were little? I find myself doing things with my daughter (she is older, 9 years old) that I remember doing with Mom to keep my mom's memory alive. I do get misty eyed but my daughter reminds me that grandma is in a better place and that God needed her more than us. Oh, kids are amazing! Also, a friend suggested that I buy a picture frame with 3 mattes and put a picture of my mom, myself and my daughter all at the same age. I did this and love looking at it. It also gave me the chance to go back through some pictures of Mom when she was younger. Well, I will be thinking of you Val. Trish

Carleen, My daughter had been following you and Keith's story and when I told her Keith had passed she said to tell you that God must have really needed Keith right now. I hope that you can take some comfort in the fact that Keith did not have to suffere for very long,.reach out to us and tell us what you need= you are in our cantstant prayer] Trish

Carleen, Your post brought up so many feelings about God that I had felt during my mom's illness. I feel your pain and wish I could say something to help you and Keith cope. Please try to get some sleep/rest and know that you are both in my thoughts and prayers. Trish

Mom passed away 5 weeks ago but I couldn't bring myself to post it until today. Trish Karen A. (Ziegler)Davis Karen A. Davis, age 64, peacefully passed away at her home surrounded by her family on Thursday, March 16. She fought a courageous two year battle with lung cancer and deliberately defied every statistic given. Karen was born on January 16, 1942 in Defiance to Norm and Tootie Ziegler. She graduated from Defiance High School and was employed by Western Southern Life Insurance until she married Terry Davis in 1968 and started a family. Karen chose to be a homemaker and loved to provide family and friends with homemade pies, jellies, baked goods and canned fruits and vegetables from the large garden that she and Terry planted each year. Karen was a member of the Miller City Sportsman Club and spent lots of time fishing there with her husband and family. She also was deeply religious and was a member of the Altar Society at church. Karen had a close group of friends, known as the “Birthday Bunch,” that got together often to go out to eat. These friends along with others were a tremendous amount of support to Karen and her family during her battle. Karen loved going to garage sales, shopping, gardening, decorating for the holidays, spending time with her grandchildren, and playing slot machines at the casinos with her friends. She also loved taking photos and video of every occasion. Surviving are her husband of 37 years, Terry Davis; their children, Mike (Becki) Davis, Defiance, OH; Tricia (Daniel) Fray, Whitehouse, OH; Penny (Matthew) Choma, Toledo, OH; five grandchildren, Isabel & Davis Fray, Austin Davis, and Sydney & Jack Choma; sister, Mary Kay Whitner; brother, Thomas Ziegler; and many aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and countless friends. She was preceded in death by her parents. Family and friends may visit Mast-Mock-Hoffman Funeral Home on Monday, March 20th, from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. and 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. with the Rosary service at 7:30 p.m. at the funeral home. Funeral services will be on Tuesday, March 21 at 11:00 a.m. at St. Mary’s Catholic Church, Defiance, OH with a luncheon immediately following. The family wishes to extend extra special thanks to Dr. Veltri and the oncology nurses, especially Deb & Mary, for their compassionate care. Special thanks to Michele from Hospice who Karen referred to as her “angel.” Memorial contributions may be made to St. Mary’s Catholic Church or to a charity of the donor’s choice.

Lori, Have the doctor's said anything about hospice or do they fully believe that this surgery will "fix" a lot of the problems your mom is having? I totally feel for you and the stress of wanting to be there all the time for your mom but having work responsibilities not to mention 2 small children and a family and the list goes on. There are just not enough hours in the day to be there for everyone and be there the way you want to be. Usually, a good long cry and a Michelob light, helps me to find the time to breathe. You aren't alone and we are all pulling for you and your mom and everyone who is fighting this horrible disease until a cure is found. Extra prayers for you & your mom tonight, Trish

Nancy, Are you experiencing pain from your bone mets right now? My mom is currently having radiation to her bone mets on her shoulder, both hips, L4 & L5 vertebrae and tailbone. She takes oxycodone for breakthrough pain and has a fentyl(sp?) patch for steady pain meds. She has NSCLC and didn't have pain from the mets for quite awhile. I'm hoping your doctor gives you some more choices. Trish

Mom got her bone scan with imaging results. My sister took my mom to her appointment and said the orthopedic surgeon came in and told her it was not good, not good at all. He compared it to 3 other bone scans and as he said, "The horse is out of the barn." He showed the scans and pointed out the dark uptake areas. My mom had to bring these scans home to take to the radiologist on Monday. My sister showed them to me and it was really quite shocking. The difference, even from August until now, went from ankles to the back of her head. The hips and knees and right shoulder showed significant activity. Do any of you have any experience with bone scans like this? My mom is going on Monday (for 2 hours) to get marked on her hips, spine, and tailbone and is then going to have 15 treatments on these areas. I wish I could post this on ask the expert but since there aren't any volunteers. I guess I'm just hoping someone will respond to this who had a similiar scan and then stopped the cancer again. Thanks for listening, Trish

My mom said someone told her if she decides to call Hospice that she has to sign something saying she will not see her doctor or do anymore kinds of treatments. My understanding was that she could still have radiation because it was pallative. I have the hospice number and have read several member stories but I was hoping someone here could clear this up for me. Thanks, Trish

My Mom takes Alleve in addition to oxycotin and says it helps. She says her pain mostly is from her back. Does your Dad think it is coming from his hip? Have they checked the hip for a fracture? I hope they can get his pain under control. Trish