Amy P

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let out a much louder and longer fart. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Darnit Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let out another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Darnit Skippy, get away from her, before she craps on you!"

Ry and John - I have a special place in my hearts for adoptive parents for I was adopted as well. Parents who open their hearts and their homes to babies, especially those from different nationalities, are the most special people. May your family continue to be blessed and an early happy birthday to Jillian!!! Much Love, Amy

Margaret - A couple of years ago I had a terrible bout with pnuemonia and didn't run a fever at all - in fact the only reason I went to the ER was because I was coughing up massive amounts of fresh blood. I was shocked because I felt pretty good and had run 3 miles 2 days prior to ER visit. I have since had pnuemonia at least once a year and have only run a temp twice. I don't know if the lack of fever means you caught it early or what but I now know how it feels and go to doc and request chest x-ray before I get the full blown symptoms. I hope your hubby is feeling better. Much Love, Amy

((((Angie))))) - I saw this earlier but couldn't find the words and still can't. My heart goes out to you and your family. You have been amazing through all of this and hopefully the WBR will kill the little buggers and you all can enjoy the holidays. I wish I was closer so I could give you a hug. I will be thinking of you all in the coming days. Much Love, Amy

Peggy (and Lisa)- You brought a much need smile to my face this morning. I am going to join today so not reporting any weight loss but I did go and reactivate my membership at the gym yesterday so my wallet lost a couple of pounds - can I count those ? Hope to report good results next month or least not gaining - I am terrible at christmas! Much Love, Amy

Steve - My Mom has been on Iressa since June and has kept her primary lung tumor stable and she has had shrinkage in the infectected lymph nodes. Her onc was very surprised at the shrinkage but hey we'll take what we can get. I hope this proves to be sucessful for your girlfriend as well. You may PM me if you have any additional questions. Welcome to our family! Much Love, Amy

Getting a last one in for the ladies! In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

(((((Angie))))) Sorry I am so late in seeing this haven't been around much lately. I am sorry you and your Dad are having a rough time. Hopefully by now you will have talked to the Dr. and have a plan in place. You are amazing, I can only hope to learn from you and all the other "wise ones" on this board, to be able to handle these situations gracefully. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Much Love, Amy

Don - Can't add anything to what others have said but wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you and Lucie and know that Lucie will beat this as well. What an amazing example you both set. I am blessed to "know" you! Much Love, Amy

(((((Karen)))))) You are going through so much..I was going to write but will PM you instead. Much Love, Amy

Cindi - Oh please no...that would be my girl!!!! Much Love, Amy

It's the summer of 1960 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says. "That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says... "Whaaaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "We know that Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!" Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST"!

I, unfortunately or fortunately, have chest x-rays 4-5 times a year. The docs are still trying to figure out my coughing problems but I have encouraged all of my friends to get them at least yearly but I'm not sure if they do Let us know what you find out today.

Joyce - Wow another great report - this is wonderful! I never thought I would appreciate the word stable as I do today. Happy Turkey to day to your family! Much Love, Amy

Don - Thanks for the update on Lucie - you both are amazing people and I am glad to hear this good news. Will be keeping my fingers crossed for good results on the PET! Have a wonderful Turkey Day and give Lucie a great big hug for us! Much Love, Amy

What wonderful news - you must be so excited. Your Dad sounds amazing and I hope for continued improvement!!! Much Love, Amy

Prayers coming for a sucessful surgery and quick recovery. Prayers comin for Karen and the family as well - as my Mom said before my Dad's bypass - it is hard to be the one waiting for the dr. to come out with news. Much Love to you all! amy

Dean - I too am glad to see a post from you. I have missed your wisdom and wonderful way with words. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and words with us - an inspiration to us all. Much Love to you and Gay, Amy

Thank you all for the words of wisdom - we had a small discussion about it last night and (thanks curtis) decided when it was OK to take our pants off but school was not one of those places. At first she tried to say she had an itch and she was just scratching but then admitted that she did it because it would make her friends laugh Admittedly, I did finally laugh about when I went to bed last night - she has such a cute bottom - it is worth sharing and she does love to share it at home - I'm just hoping she doesn't have stripper aspirations This child will be the end of me but oh how I love her! Thanks again for your input!!!!! Much Love, Amy

All of you seasoned mothers or fathers - I am in desparate need of advice. I am at my wits end with my 6 yr old daughter - various things have happened over the past couple of weeks but this afternoon at school she dropped her pants and showed her stuff . What do you do? Do you punish, talk to her and explain I want her to understand but not sure I am doing it effectively - any suggestions??? I have got to find the magic bullet that gets through to her.....

My FIL had a similar conversation on Sunday - he said he was standing in front of the window with nothing and was wondering if the neighbors would give him a prize - I told him they would empty their bank accounts to buy him new clothes! Good One Peggy!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just this one problem. It is these breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it. "That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that worthless boob?"

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that p oint, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist." And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. > >The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a l! oud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Sorry Elaine - I laughed in spite of myself!