amelie

thank you all for your kind & helpful posts/messages this summer. i wanted to let you know that after an awful bout with edema over thanksgiving (she gained sixteen pounds of water in a matter of days), she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. she decided to let the docs do a ct of her abdomen and pelvis and the good news is that there is no evidence of cancer. the bad news is that she will probably need open heart surgery (pending the results of a cardiac cath tomorrow). my prayers are with you all.

Hi everybody. Thank you for your replies--they mean a lot to me. I tried approaching the situation with my mom by explaining that this stuff, whatever it is, might be treated easily....if only she would go see a doctor. But to no avail. So I still have absolutely no idea what is wrong. What makes me sick, is that she seems to be sleeping SO much and appears to be in a lot of pain. She's been complaining of severe pain in her arm and her back & I don't know what to do for her besides a heating pad. I realize that it's hard to give someone advice when they can't really tell you what's wrong...but, does anyone know what might help with severe back pain? Thanks.

Hi Peggy. Three years ago, my dad was in a similar position as yours... He had been in the hospital for several weeks after the Thanksgiving holiday, but was allowed to return home shortly before Christmas. Christmas Day, we called 911 because he was going into cardiac arrest. The emergency team managed to revive him...and while conscious, he was in very poor condition when he arrived at the hospital. His vital signs were extremely erratic and we were told that we had two options: 1. to take extreme measures, which would require some invasive tests to determine the extent of the heart damage or 2. allow him to pass away with comfort measures. Because he had already indicated before that he didn't want "extreme measures," we advised the hospital staff to keep him out of pain. However, after the situation was explained to him, he decided that he wanted them to do everything they could. They intubated him for some cardiac procedure (whose name escapes me)...and, after he was intubated, he stopped breathing on his own. It was difficult to know if he was conscious or not...Some of my sibs claimed he was...others claimed he was not... After several days, the medical staff advised us that, again, we had two options: 1. Attempt to find a surgeon that would try some risky heart operations or 2. Take him off the respirator. While it was an extremely difficult decision, we chose to take him off life support. His quality of life would have been extremely poor had he miraculously recovered from surgery. And, even worse, it was very likely that he would have passed away on the operating table (which horrified me, for reasons I don't even understand). All of my family, my two brothers, my two sisters, and my mom, his wife of nearly fifty years were in the room when he passed away. It was unbearably sad and difficult, but he very quietly and peacefully stopped breathing only a few minutes after the ventilator was removed. I tell you all of this only to let you know that I do not believe you can make a "wrong" decision in an instance like this. If you love your father, (which it sounds like you do, very much), then of course you will act in what you believe is his best interest...in a way that will honor him. And no matter what decision you make, you may later question whether you "did the right" thing; I know that my whole family wondered after my dad's passing. Just know that as long as you are acting in a loving way towards your father, you cannot make a wrong decision. In the end, and thankfully so, we are not the final arbiters of life and death. Know that God is guiding you and your family through these difficult times and circumstances.

When my dad passed away three years ago (from CHF), my mom arranged for his clothes to be made into quilts for each of the kids. They are beautiful and precious to each of us. Maybe you could somehow arrange for someone in your church or community to make a quilt for your children. God bless you.

I'm so glad I found this group. My mom's health has been deteriorating since my dad passed away three years ago. She is very opinionated (she was a red-head) and tells me that doctors can't do anything for you...that all they want is to do surgery...and that kills you. Once, several years ago, she had pneumonia and refused to see the doctor until she was very ill. The doctor's office was very overbooked, but agreed to see her the same day I called. When we arrived, she was so sick and uncomfortable, she walked out of the examination room and went to the car. I explained to the doctor that she was sick and impatient and he actually went out to the car to try to examine her. He was that concerned for her, but my mother refused to be examined, even outside in the car. When she most recently coughed up what appeared to be a blood clot, I tried being direct and firm. "Mom, you are coughing up blood--that's serious...let's go see a doctor." But she basically refuses to acknowledge it's blood. Often, its discolored (brown, speckeldy, or yellowish)....and she totally attributes the discoloration to whatever food she's claimed she's eaten that day. When I mention doctor, she says I "better not start that..." I generally don't believe it's food because when she coughs, it sounds as though the junk is coming from her lungs....not her stomach (if that makes sense). One of the reasons that I am hesitant to drive her to see a doctor...or directly to the ER...is that I believe she will refuse treatment...and even worse, I believe she will refuse to come back to Texas (where the rest of my sibs are) in the fall. (She stays in WV for half the year and TX the other half.) I really don't think her health would survive winter in WV and I would be scared to death if she were living by herself. Although she hasn't been in terrific health for a while, I am just very worried/concerned about her. She looks terrible to me...and I don't really know how to explain it...but she just looks awful. She seems to take Tylenol Flu constantly....and a barrage of vitamins (which also leads me to think she doesn't feel well...because she usually doesn't take medicine unless she is very sick). What baffles me most...is the way she is coping with sickness. People will ask her how she is, she replies "great." She found out I told by brothers and sisters that I believed she was coughing blood and I was worried; her response was "so you think i'm going to die?" (which made me feel terribly guilty...but I am scared here by myself and I don't want my sibs to blame me if something bad does happen.) And when I try to express my concerns, she tells me I'm crazy. Yet, she will talk to our dogs...and tell them she's not feeling so great. She will tell me that she is very tired. And she makes comments about death a lot. When a friend recently came by to visit, she whispered to me, "don't tell her I'm sick; I don't want it all over town." So it's all very hard for me to understand. Sometimes, I do feel crazy....like maybe I am overly sensitive or maybe I just worry too much. But I have been sporadically keeping a diary about her health over the past three weeks and I don't think I am exaggerating what happens when I reread my old entries. I am generally not a morbid person, but I find myself sort of rehearsing what I will do if something goes wrong. And, at the same time, I feel guilty for having such morbid thoughts---like maybe I am bringing this on myself, and her, somehow. I am scared. I am 29 years old and I lost my dad three years ago. And the truth is, I understand it might not be cancer...but everything I've read seems to fit...and what if it is? Or, even if it isn't, and it is something else...she looks so terrible that I believe it is something bad. I am rambling...sorry this is like a seven-page long post. Thank you again for your replies.

I am staying with my mother for the summer. She is 71 years old and has smoked since she was 19. She has always had "smoker's cough" and has coughed up "junk" for years. About a month ago, we were on a day trip and her cough seemed especially bad. I nearly ran off the road when I saw what I believe was fresh blood. She told me I was crazy...that she had just eaten cinnamon candy...that's all it was.... I wanted to believe her...so I let it go. About two weeks ago, we were in the car together again...and this time, I am positive that she coughed up blood. I have been pretty nosey about it lately...and I believe she is coughing blood-streaked junk most of the time. She has lost probably 30 pounds in the past year...and she looks ghostly pale. Recently, her voice has been hoarse...but not all the time. And she is having a terrible time breathing...and also a terrible time walking any distance. I am scared to death. She refuses to see a doctor about any of these things...usually telling me I'm crazy...there's nothing wrong...so I am not sure what is wrong...but I believe in my heart that she really may have lung cancer. What worries me most is...how do I know what to do? If she needs to go to the ER, how will I know that? I feel like I am just waiting for something horrible to happen inevitably. I am living with her by myself...and my siblings, who mean well, appear to be in never-never land to some degree. People have told me that I should try to coerce, guilty, use any means I can muster, to get her to a doctor. But I have tried absolutely every tactic in the world because I am so worried about her. But she absolutely refuses. I don't know if she is just sick of living or if she really does not believe something is seriously wrong...or, after reading some of these posts, if she is choosing not to be treated...choosing not to know. If anyone has any comments, or insights, or anything, they can offer, I would be most grateful. Thank you.