Randall Broad

Janet, My heart goes out to you and yours with this latest installment. So very sorry to hear your status and the past three months. I don't know how to give you advice on this as I haven't had the trial you've experienced / are going through. I'm a stage III NSCLC recipient and initially had a year of chemo, surgery (inoperable), more chemo (alimpta) combined with 3 months radiation. I've been cancer free since. What I will say is in my world, quality of life is everything. I for one refuse to live in a world where I cannot function where the med's would pull to the point of incapacity. I fail to see the point of staying alive only to be miserable. I would prefer to have 6 months of living over 12 months of dying. Every morning I tell myself to get busy living or get busy dying...it's your choice. I'm choosing the former. I put a lot of faith in fate...what will be will be. I've learned to accept this and live every day and be thankful for it. Not sure if any of this helps or it's off track in your thinking. I don't feel it's giving up. It's not. It's a choice you have to make...I'm not in your shoes and can only relate to the year I spent feeling much the way you describe. I gave it it's due and I'm alive today to write about it. Had i not, I highly doubt you'd be hearing from me. But I would really have to weigh the projected outcome to go down the road again and feel like death... Live every day is my mantra...for all of us, eventually it'll be our last. I've come to be at peace with that until that day arrives. No one else but you knows what that feels like so it's doubtful any one else will 'get it'. You're the only one who needs to. My $.02.

Susan, I'm so proud of you for sharing...observing beautiful rows of corn is exactly what makes for an extraordinary day. You get it! Enjoy the rest of today! Randy

Hi Susan, You bring to light a very real and ongoing question for all survivors. As part of the LC 'club', we all know all too well exactly what you speak. So don't feel singled out on this one. It's very real and fortunately or unfortunately (depends on how you view it), will most likely linger for much time to come. There isn't a day that goes by that LC is not present in my life. I'd be a big fat fibber if I stated otherwise. But I do live with 'it' opposed to the alternative and to date I'm NED. I recall in the early stages of my cancer, I was sitting at the airport waiting for a flight. I sat there very still observing people walking by going about whatever it was they were engaged in doing; eating, hurrying, drinking, talking, grabbing a newspaper, etc. I remember thinking, they don't have a clue I have lung cancer because I don't have any visible 'signs' that I have lung cancer. And as people continued to scurry by where I was perched, I began to wonder how many of the 'them' had a life threatening disease. After all, mine was invisible, why couldn't there's be. I began to imagine all the people in my life I passed not knowing or being aware of such...surely the number is large. This experience helped to open up a new way of thinking and to grasp my situation and see the world through a slightly different lens. One that was a bit more fog free. In the days that followed, I decided that i didn't want to live with a cancer that had chosen me as its host. Thus I wanted to take over the power of 'it' and be the one to choose the cancer. This was an extremely freeing experience and one that I've held on to since that time. As for your adoring family and friends and their concerns and ways of addressing or not, my advice would be to be completely honest and speak your truth. Whatever that may be. If you don't feel up to discussing, don't. If you do, go for it. But leave the cancer shroud in the closet as it will serve no real purpose other than to give power to something you don't want to give power to. One thing I am certain, there are no guarantees in this life. Your final statement is a powerful one...'I don't want to miss out on what I do have.' So don't. Live every day and be grateful. Yesterday is history, tomorrow a promise, today a gift. As such give those around you the gift of today. Tomorrow is only a promise to 'everyone'. Cancer or no cancer and by sharing your gift with those in your sphere of influence you just may open some doors to living an extraordinary life - and not MISSING it! Randy Stage III NSCLC - 2008