What do you say?

[randired]

I have many people who call me often and are always asking me 'hows your mom doing' etc. Some I know for only a little while and I really do not want to talk too much about it. Mainly this is because all I get is pity and 'i want to do something for you/mom' or 'what can i do' and the fact that every time i talk about mom i get so angry because she just doesnt even try to help herself out of this depression. She even admitted this to me. she says to me that she just does what she is told and she doesnt even want to do that. arrggg..

im sorry for my brief rant. So, what do i say to people that I really dont want to talk about my mom?

Thanks for your help.

[karenl]

Hi Randi

That can be a toughie. I feel sorry for people when they ask how my Mum is doing, because they tend to get a 45 minute monologue about symptoms, side-effects, treatment options, complementary therapies, blah, blah, blah.....!!!

If, on the other hand, I really don't want to talk about it, I just say that she is doing OK. People don't usually press for more information if you don't offer it.

I hope your Mom starts to feel more positive about things. It's important to try and keep enjoying life as much as you can while fighting this battle (easier said than done, I know!). Make sure YOU take the time to enjoy some things too.

Karen

[kimblanchard]

If you don't want to say more, just say "fine." Or, if that is too much of a lie for you to want to say, how about "One day at a time." I like the John Denver song, "Somedays are diamonds, somedays are stones." There is no reason to get into the specifics with people that you don't want to share them with.

Try to remember that the people are trying to be nice and supportive, that their hearts are in the right place.

Best wishes.

Curtis

[cindi o'h]

Good to see that beautiful baby again. I wanted to respond to your question with my own experience. This might fit you and it might not. To me, it sounds as if you are feeling really scared about the thought of losing your mom. It has been a whirlwind for you and your mom this past month. That is obvious to me when I see your mom's health bio. This is all way too much for any of us to handle. How we get through it all, I don't know... I know that I am grateful that I had a belief in a Power much bigger than myself. That certainly helped. I could let go of the what if I don't survive part. I knew that it wasn't up to me. That it was up to someone else. I did my part. I showed up for my appointments. Sometimes that was all that I could do. The treatments really knocked my socks off. I laid in bed...plenty. A lot of people were amazed that I went to all of my appointments all by myself and took care of myself all by myself. But, I also had the luxury of being able to be sick all by myself too. What I mean by that is that when I was feeling that sick, I didn't have to have anyone see me being so miserable. I could go off by myself and curl up and wait it out. I was able to do a lot of introspection.

I was able to work through the fears of the unknown. Maybe your Mom is doing this. Who knows what is going on behind that bonnet? It could be that she is doing all that she can right now...showing up for her appointments.

Of course, when your friends ask, you can say," she's hanging in there." Or, " the treatments are hard on her right now." Or, " We have hope that she will bounce back." Or," A few prayers are always appreciated. Or, " we're muddling through." Even though your mom is depressed, it doesn't mean that you can't be upbeat.

I was in the same position that you are in when my dad became ill with brain cancer. I was really scared. His friends wanted to know how he was doing and I really didn't know how to respond either. I wanted to "protect" my dad. And I wanted to protect myself from breaking down crying. It is a helpless feeling not being able to help a parent.

I hear the worry in the tone of your note. That is pretty understandable.

I hope for the best for you and your family.

Cindi o'h

[Fay A.]

Randi,

You don't owe anyone an explanation. You might consider suggesting to these folks that they call your Mom and ask after her directly.

I understand your frustrations with your Mother's depression, but I think you need to step back and try to look at what your Mom is dealing with. She has cancer in her liver, her lung, her brain. She has just finished radiation treatments for the brain mets. You need to understand what that can do to a person. There is emotional depression, and then there is physical depression. And from what you've described your Mom sounds like she has both. ;You've got to make a few allowances for her. It hasn't even been two months since her diagnosis.

Not in your wildest moments can you know what it feels like to have cancer. It's like nothing else. And I'm willing to bet that she is very aware of how angry you are with her. Speaking from personal experience, angry people do not motivate me to get out of bed each day.

[draiocht_bean_si]

own personal experience = don't take personally

i would like to say, ' i don't want to talk about it'

i would like to say, 'i'm depressed as heck'

and that is natural. you'd be a ninny not to be depressed that you have been invaded by a horrible disease that has taken control from you.

control - there it is.

patient and those around have lost control.

sadly, this may mean people try whatever to regain control. in my case, that meant people invading my privacy to the extent that i ended up changing my phone numner, etc. to rrgain some control over my 'life;. it left me much eorse off than i was though it might have left others feeling better because they felt some control. it devastated me and taught me to keep quiet. that is bad. i had one so-called 'friend' writing numerous emails to effect i was mean for not appewciating others - wanting to help me. - giving me names of others who thought i was making it up that i had cancwer - destroying my trust in this board. all this destroyed trust and left me more depressed and keeps me from expressing self. while my problems get worse.

don't do this your mom. lrt her grieve. it is natural. let her express her sadness. don't take over - don't shut her up so you can feel in control

my apologies - so much more i'd say but typing is arduous smd painful. oh yeah, according to my 'friends . i am making it up and can type well if i want to.

please i know it is hard but let your mom grieve - let her express herself - don't ever ever do anything to shut her up even though iy's hard on you. give her control. thanks.

what was done to me in the name of 'help; was disastrous

[Don Wood]

As others have said, you don't owe people a constant update or explanation. Several good responses have been suggested. Find one that you can say without apology, and use it. And -- vent here anytime you need to. It is a very frustrating, ongoing problem. Don

[Snowflake]

Randi,

Pray for patience and understanding. You are watching from the outside, as Fay stated, and probably have nothing you can compare to the way your mother feels. From someone who knows, the simple diagnosis of cancer knocks you to your knees, and then, there's the treatment.

As for the people that are calling you, if they are your mother's friends, INSIST that they call her. Maybe KNOWING how much she is loved by others will motivate her to get out of bed and pull herself back from that edge. It's easy, in your mind, to decide that your family is only there because they have to be, but friends...well, friends are there because they WANT to be. Try to arrange for her to have company at least daily... If your mother lives on her own (forgive me, I did not scan your profile and her situation totally), have her friends take her dinner (ensuring she'll eat), plan a bridge night (or whatever your mother did before her diagnosis)...try to incorporate as much "normal" into her life as you can.

...and don't be angry with her. She's scared, she's tired...and she needs someone to hold her hair while she pukes. She's sick, she didn't ask for that. Give her a bit of pity (yep, I said pity - motivates ME when people feel sorry for me, p*sses me off! LOL) and she may just get her butt moving again...a bit of a pity party and then move on...

Neither side of the fence is easy, meet her in the middle, don't leave her out there alone...and have her friends help her out, too. Give 'em "chores" to do, most people have no clue how to help out, give 'em the insider's view to what Mom needs and how they can do it...that takes some of the pressure off you.

Take care,

Becky

[Ry]

Randi~

Not much to add except to say I agree her friends need to call her not you. They want to get the information without talking to her because maybe they don't know what to say...but she needs her friends now. So what do you say to them...say call her she'd love to hear from you. When they ask what they can do, they can take her dinner, etc..

Also...the depression is not really under her control. Its not something she is choosing believe me. I've been there and its not a good place to be and its nowhere anyone chooses to be. It just grabs you and before you know it down you go. Medication will help if you talk to her doctor have him order something. Hang in there.

Rochelle

[paddy]

There are people who are really concerned and want to know exactly what is happening, and those I will share everything with. Some people however seem to ask just because it is the thing to do and don't really want to hear the details , to those folks I say "We're coping Thanks! Others of course will avoid you like the plague and for them I feel pity.

[randired]

Thanks for all of your help and support. I do feel I need to clarify a few things to help you understand where I am coming from.

As for the friends calling and when I see them, its no my moms friends, with them I tell them what they need/want to know, its my friends who dont know my mom at all. I understand they ask out of concern, but I feel like its all i talk about and I have asked a few of them to please stop asking all the time. They just want to talk about my recent misfortunes: my mom, my house fire etc. But then they just get insulted.

My anger towards my mom is definately not outward. its internal. I leave her after seeing her and I just say how she tells me she knows she has a limited amount of time, but she refuses to 'live'. and as a mom myself, it hurts me. While I am with her, I try to encourage her and listen and talk about happy things (my son mostly) and the progress on my house rebuilding and so on. I can say that i feel I am helping, but I feel not enough because she still wont move any closer to 'living'

since she came home from the hospital, all she does is lay in bed. cover her eyes with that friggin hat. REFUSES any phone calls, REFUSES any visitors. she sends back all cards that are sent to the house and she sends back any food/flowers/gifts sent to her. She will not let my father leave the house because if he leaves, she freaks out. I think its anxiety or panic attacks. My husband and I are suprised she hasnt asked me to move back in the house with her and my dad.

I fear the worst, im sure we all do. She is supposed to have another MRI at the end of the month and I fear that nothing has changed or things gotten worse. I know if thats the case, she will get worse. I am hoping for good news. I keep thinking that she is walking straighter, and talking clearer that i think her treatments have helped. and I think she needs hope to get her to want to fight, or to even live. She even told me she has no fight. she doesnt want to fight it, she just will do what the doc tells her what she should do. How do i help someone who doesnt seem like she wants to be helped?

I apologize again for my vent. I do know what its like to be told that there is something horrible in your path. But I also know that wanting to pass that obsiticle is the most important part of the fight.

Thanks for reading, again.

[MayFrog]

Randi,

You don't mention whether or not your mom is on any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds....I would imagine she's a candidate for either or both. Her depression can be self-destructive to say the least. Contact her doctor--he/she needs to be made aware of your mom's mental state.

Wishing you both the best,

Mary

[cindi o'h]

Hi Randi

One of my little girlfriends was diagnosed in stage IV with brain mets last Jan. It took me the longest time to get it through MY head that she

wasn't interested in treatment. She did concede to radiation to her brain but not without kickin and screamin. At the techs too.

When I finally accepted that I had no control over her decision to die then our relationship became less strained. I was able to talk to her about her concerns and help her to move to a place of acceptance as well. She had some personal goals she wanted to meet before she died and that was to make sure that her soul was in order.

She couldn't stand the thought of not being in heaven with her dad. So we went to see her priest for some confessions and for absolution. She planned her funeral and chose Billy Holiday music to be played. She chose her flowers. She bought some new nightgowns. She had a manicure and a pedicure....something that she had always wanted. Her husband was supportive of her decision. She was a strong-willed little girl. Her courage was beyond belief. She cried. She told me intimate details of her life. Her regrets etc.

I wonder if anyone has asked your mom what she wants. I know that you say that she says she just does what she is told to do.

Cindi o'h

[randired]

Mom is on Xanex, ambien and Zoloft. Her doc just increased her zoloft meds last week because we felt it wasnt enough. We are still waiting for a change butthere isnt. I know it takes tome for anti-depressants to work.

When she cam ehome from the hospital, i did talk to her about all that she wants. She wrote letters to everyone and they are all sealed. She tells me that she wants to liuve but doesnt want to go through any of this. which is to be expected, but she is not willing to fight it. Dad and I agreed to talk to her again after the first round of chemo and after we get the results from her MRI at the end of Oct. Then we will have a better idea of how agressive this is, what the doctor feels can help or not and how mom feels about going through more chemo.

it is hard, and i try to be a shoulder for her whenever i have the chance to be there.