kimblanchard Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 I am feeling pretty lonely tonight. Possibly I shouldn't have started watching my new box set of Everwood's first season. The first few episodes are especially tough on widows, I would think. But mainly, I just feel a little let down. Thursdays I don't have any classes, and so I usually stay home and clean and study or go to a bookstore. There is a lot of activity in the office on Thursdays usually, and if I am there I don't get a ton done because of that. But I didn't want to be alone today; I tend to not be as productive as I need to be. And so I put out feelers with several of my classmates yesterday that I have studied with before, and they all said they would call me if they got a chance, and none of them did. Is there nobody who sees how much I am faking it? My classes this semester are the easiest of any semester in grad school, and I am barely sliding by, skipping classes and turning in homework late. Not even editing papers and exams that I have weeks to prepare. I have done no research at all in seven months, and can't even so much as download a paper before I am so sick of it I want to vomit. And I feel like I am a week away from quitting. I have felt that way all semester. I can live on my social security and interest from the life insurance for quite a while, so I wouldn't even need a job for a while. I know I am a raw nerve right now. I just feel everything so acutely. I have always been over the top, dive right in, belly flopper, so I don't know that I did anything different with Alisa than I had with Becky way back in the day, but it was emotionally intense for me. That being said, I think I have handled the break-up pretty well. I don't think that is what is bothering me. I'm just alone, and with a four year old who senses more and more how stressed out I am getting, and reflecting it back at me. Katie is having a harder time going to sleep the last ten days or so, and is more clingy than she had been. Complaining of tummy aches more often, which is her complaint when all is not right in her world. And so I am worried about her, too. I guess I am disappointed in my classmates right now. I thought they would fill the role that Becky's colleagues did in Nacogdoches, and they just haven't. I thought we could meet them for dinner more often, have time for our kids to play together, things that give me a little rest. Becky's colleagues did that so well. But I guess maybe that is small town living, and the less stressful life of professors compared to students. I can turn on the water works and let them see how much I hurt and then they will do those things. But I would rather pretend I was okay, because I am most of the time. How do I distinguish for them when I am asking because I am free and when I am asking because I could really use some help? I need a kick in the *ss. I need a professor to tell me my work is crap. I know it is; how can they not? I need Becky to steer for me. For years, I knew she had the rudder, and so I could flail away to my heart's content and know that whatever direction I was flailing in was correct because she knew what she was doing. Mainly, I needed the phone to ring today, and it never did. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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