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Sometimes they come back...


Debi

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Well guys, just in time for Halloween, my goblins have returned....

The last few months I have taken on a car payment, bought a fall/winter wardrobe, filed a formal complaint on my lunatic boss :shock:, took on extra projects at work in my busy season and lived my life like life should be led. Now, all of a sudden, the last day or so I find myself frozen with fear again about the cancer. I feel like I am living in total terror, I'm in a state of panic wondering about every ache and pain I have. Last night I couldn't get to sleep till about 4 am and then when I DID get to sleep, woke up just about every hour in this "impending doom" state. I am in this total anxiety and am convinced I am going to die. I'm dizzy, my bones hurt, my liver hurts, my head hurts, I just know that I am going to keel over at any time.

I know that I am one of the "lucky" ones; I always feel like I need to add that disclaimer since there are so many others really suffering out there. I'm so glad there is a place on the board where I feel comfortable to come to gripe about this. I KNOW that my mind is doing this to me, or at least, I hope it's my mind. I'm not sure what brought this bout on, maybe Halloween coming, my son's first ever basketball practice :D , my sister is coming for a visit tomorrow and as always, I wonder if this will be the last time I see her. I was sick the other day and had to get antibiodics, maybe just being sick opened the door to the goblins. I want them to go away, I want to be able to breathe again and not be terrified every single minute...

People have asked me if the fears ever go away. My answer is yes, they do. Sometimes they come back out of nowhere and they feel so real. I write about them and close my eyes tight and try to wish them away...

I know this will get better... its just hard waiting for the fear to leave..

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Debi,

It is something in the air I think--I have had a few crying hysterically breakdowns the past week. I too know how lucky I am to have my mom in remission. But the fear, the unknown, will it last, I am refusing to make holiday plans b/c scans are in Dec, etc, is eating at me.

I got yelled at by the gynecologist this week b/c I am going in for fertility work up, got put on Clomid, had an ultrasound where he saw "black spots" and was told it was polycystic ovary and I asekd him 3 times on Monday and once on Wed when I was there how he was sure it was not cancer ;)

I hope your gobblins go away soon! Just wanted to let you know you are not alone

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This is what I have found works when I have those sleepless nights and its too late to take a sleeping pill, Xanax. Get up and take an anti-anxiety med and it shuts your mind down so you can go back to sleep. Works everytime.

I am sorry to hear the goblins have returned. I am sure your visit with your sister will help take your mind off things. Sometimes things just get the best of us no matter how hard we try. Wishing you sweet dreams...

Rochelle

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Debi...

Wish I could take all of your fears away and throw get rid of them never to surface again. They are as real as they can be regardless of where you are in terms of your cancer.

I was up with you till around 4 a.m. worrying myself to death about everything but mostly I have it in my mind that my brain mets are back and because i've already gone down that road, I suspect that my options are very limited if not non-existant.

Sorry we cant somehow sweat these horrible nights together. I feel somehow it might not be as tough to go thru.

All the prayers in the world are on their way up not so much to clear you of your fear of recurrent cancer but to clear you of overall fear period.

God Bless us All..

Your friend, Francine

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Debi, I have a good idea how you feel because the same thing happens to me every so often. I think Rochelle has the best suggestion - pills. Zoloft. ativan, xanax, paxcil, whatever. (Just one of those should do, however.)

I would think that you could feed the goblins to the chickens, but I suppose you've already tried that. Sorry it didn't work. Good luck. The goblins will go away eventually.

Muriel

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Debi. I swear to God, before I signed on to this board, I was wondering if I were all alone in the exact same feelings that you just posted. In fact, I was wondering how I was going to get up the nerve to bring up this topic, as I have just been declared NED again!! :?

I did talk with the nurse practitioner and the oncologist about these "fears" that continue to lurk...they just shook their head and nodded. I have a feeling that it is just a part of being diagnosed with Lung Cancer. And I suspect that maybe some of us have those fears worse than others... I have a compulsive personality. I want what I want when I want it and I want it now!!! :twisted: dammittohell. This personality has it's upsides, and definitely it's own set of problems.

I just cannot believe that you just posted what I am feeling now....

For that, I want to thank you.

I think I will go see what's in the medicine cabinet...

Cindi o'h

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Hi Debi,You know I'm gonna say something like ^&***^$%#@$#$%^& don't you.And besides that $$#$%^&^%^&%%$.You would never believe how fast I typed that,wow.Anyhooo that is what I think about any goblins that would invade my friend Debi's domain.You have been there before and we both know we'll both be again.Even tough old Marines like me fight with them goblins.Hang in there,you will have them goblin things begging for mercy in no time at all.LOL.

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Hi Debi,

I am so sorry to hear that you have "the fears" back. I am all too familiar with that feeling as you well know. Don't think there's much we can do about it--but I do agree with the xanax approach--everything is worse if you don't get any sleep.

It's contagious you know--I've been feeling that way too--for me it's related to doctor appointments coming up in the next few weeks--always happens when I'm a couple weeks out from the chest surgeon. I also am a little sad that summer is over and melancholy about fall and winter, although I am really looking forward to Christmas and New Year.

I feel bad for you--you know I'm right there with you--and I really don't think anything but the passing of time and piling up good medical reports will make this any better.

Did you read the article Heather did for the newspaper about her walk? She said what she missed most was her former carefree attitude and that's what I miss most too--the days where health issues weren't right out in front of me every day all day.

And, I am also a lucky person--and very grateful. But it is still a scary position to be in, and no one really knows unless they have been there too. That's the great thing about having this board--we are all the people who know how it feels to feel the way we do.

Take care--I'm thinking of you girlfriend, as always.

(Hey, read your PM's -- I just sent one to you the other day)

Cindy

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Debi, I know exactly how you feel right now. It is normal. I told my oncoligist the other day that I am always looking over my shoulder hoping to catch a glimpse of the disease before it sneaks up on me and grabs me again. Every cough I take... I wonder.

As hard as it is and I know it is, try to get your mind off things. Watch your son practice and then go watch him play. Spend some quality time with your sister. Don't worry about "will I see her again." You start that worring and you will be down and not get to enjoy your son playing ball.

Hang in there girl. You can PM me anytime you feel the need to talk. :):):)

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Yea, I even was scared that my mammogram would show cancer again even though I've been NEC for 4 years now. Was scared to get the results of my pap smear even. All that because my hubbie has lung cancer. Before that I was a positive-type person who felt I had kicked it for good. But I agree with lovemydog when she says to take time to enjoy the moment. I've decided that worrying about possible outcomes is a waste of time and probably more harmful then helpful.

Cyndy

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Debi,

My dear friend, I hate that you have to have those thoughts. I don't know what to say except I wish a great big BOO! would make them go away or maybe I could shine a flashlight under your bed and prove all that's there is dust bunnies (Well that's what's under my bed)!

I just KNOW you have beaten it, I just feel it all the way from Okie to Kansas (well that's not all that far, but heck...)

Lots of hugs to your daughter and son, who matter most of all.

I am really proud of Frank, too. I can just see his fingers flying!

By the way, if Angie can't come up with enough tar and feathers, I might be needing a shipload of those chickens, so hope you find that website.

love and fortitude

elaine

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I can't begin to know what you're feeling. I can try to relate to some of the smaller anxieties and fears that I've had...and how out of no where you get a body slam from a big wave and have to doggie paddle your way to the shore again.

I wish I knew what to say, other than I am here when you need a friend and I keep you in my prayers.

I do think it's normal, an unfortunate lingering side-effect of haveing been slapped by this disease. It's good we have the members here to hold us up and get us through.

much love,

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Debi,

I can relate to everything you said. It seems to be worse around test time but I find it slips up on me out of the blue sometimes. Right now I am having a really hard time getting to sleep and once I do I don't want to get out of bed. Anything to hid from my thoughts and feelings. Each time it gets this bad I tell myself it will get better....things will be more normal next week, or tomorrow. But while it is happening, I am a nervous wreck (and yes I have xanax ;). Elaine, I am scared to look under my bed...not for goblins but for giant dust bunnies that might get me at any time.

Debi, thanks for putting into words exactly how I feel right now.

Nina

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I echo what all the others have said. I had my scan Friday and will find out the results next friday. I feel like I need to get every thing done before my appointment because if it's bad I may not be able to anything for a long while. Or maybe I'm just trying to run fast enough so that the cancer can't catch me. Whatever the reason for the fear, it sucks

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I just want to add that NO ONE IS LUCKY if they have been diagnosed with this dreaded disease. No matter the stage or the treatment, it still changes you forever! This beast is does not discriminate if you are stage I or IV - its tough on the mental health all around.

Deep Breathing, mediatate, relax and don't kick yourself for feeling as you do. I know exactly where you are right now - been there and it isn't a fun ride.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Wendy

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Debi -- been there, done that. We all should have our t-shirts by now.

Just one question -- before you were diagnosed with cancer, had you ever sat down and seriously asked yourself about tomorrow and how positive you were that you'd wake up the next day and have a "normal" day, how much different would your answer have been then as opposed to now? None of us ever *know* if we will have another day or even another hour or minute. We are humans -- with all the imperfections that being human comes with. We hope and plan, and sometimes we meet or exceed or goals, sometimes we fall short.

But, the one thing we will never, ever have is a guarantee about tomorrow. So, moving forward from one day to another was just as much a crap shoot then as it is now, except that now we struggle to try and feel as good as we can for as long as we can.

We're all here posting and trying to support each other for a reason -- we've chosen to live and be treated in one form or another. A huge part of it is emotional, and sometimes that part just gets ahead of it all and pours out, huh.

My good thoughts to you ... this too shall pass.

Di

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Debi,

I am not the one with cancer, it was my husband so I can not relate personally to your fears.

What I do know that what scares me most, even more than pain I think, is being afraid, of having fear. Recently I have had post nasal drip which felt like I had something in my throat. Well, 1. both my sisters died of throat cancer 2. my husband died from lung cancer and 3. I had smoked for a long time. So I was panicked, kept saying I will go to the dr. on Monday if it is not better. Well that Saturday my friend made me ask the pharm. and he told me to take Claritin. Yep, it cured my throat cancer. But the few days of fear were terrible for me.

I can't imagine what it must be like for my friends here who are surviving lung cancer. I pray that your fears are under control or I pray that you have enough ativan to keep them at bay.

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Debi

If it helps at all I can say that I have and do feel what you are feeling now. That sick pain that grips you in the stomach is absolutely terrible, so do the Ativan or whatever to help you calm down and get some sleep. I also find putting on a funny video and surrounding myself with my children, parrot and dog to watch it with really does help to take some of the awful fear away. Having a really good old howl will help too, I've even put weepies on to help me release all the tension, and my good friend who is a psychotherapist always tells me to write everything down you are feeling in detail - then throw it away. She swears by this and I must say it has helped me on occasion.

Here's sending lots and lots and lots of cuddles to you. You CAN and you WILL beat these feelings!!!!!!!!!

Shirl

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OK Debi,

You kNOW you are walking along right beside me. I get these too, but I just tell myself it's part of my life now. Always, yes, but.. hey, then I tell myself "Ain't it cool I get the chance?"

Block them out, it's not being unrealistic, or avoiding anything. It's allowing you to live again after that big slap in the face we all have had.

Think about what doc says everytime you have gotten those results "since" your surgery. Mine smiles, says I make him look good, and tells me I am his success story. Does yours? I bet he does.

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Deb, I think I'm going to feel like you do forever.

I know part of mine now is the fact that it is still fairly new, last June, but once the chemo is over I'll be taking that valium for sleep all the time. I do now and it does help but I wake up during the night for an extra one most nights.

I hope you feel better soon, I really do.

I can relate to every feeling you described, I'm also 1A and like Wendy said it doesn't matter what stage you are. It's just a scary and just as ugly as every one else's and no one who has ever had it needs to feel alone in those feelings. This beast does not discriminate and we are changed forever. But, we can't give into it and that's very hard sometimes.

Hugs

Kathy

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Debi: Maybe you could live with the fear if you just let it wash over you and go away. It is kind of like a storm that lasts for a while and then ends. If you could just somehow let yourself be afraid, acknowledge it, and not worry about the fear, you kind of objectify it and it goes away. Anyway, I hope you get through it. You have my best wishes and prayers.

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