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Frank Lamb

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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going

to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and

all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good

people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering

you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered

the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the

blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You

better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long


Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began

to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in

his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt

crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there

were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for

the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.

So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into

a long argument with him about whether to include a

fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning

ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get

a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,

because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and

Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but

they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an

animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of

each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I

couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact

statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the

idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme


"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood

plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the

Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm

supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to

leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I

owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the

ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow

arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy

the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

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