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leah

i lost my best friend

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on june 18 my mom lost her year and a 1/2 battle with lung cancer. she gave up her lung only to have it attack her bones and eventually her brain. brain cancer the doctors said, is the most peaceful. not if you already have it in your bones.

we kept her home for my dad wanted her in her bed, and we with the help of hospice, took turns helping my mom die with the dignity and loved she deserved. 2 days after she went to bed for good, was my parents 24 anniversary. it would be one of the last days she would communicate with my dad and i, which was beautiful, because she told us how much she loved us, and us her.

for 16 days my mom held on, and we were praying it would be done soon, done NOW. and then it was done. we were so busy with the arrangements and keeping everyone else ok that we didn't have time to think that we weren't ok.

about a month after it was over, my dad realized he wasn't ok. it took me until the end of september to have my "meltdown". i have a child that was taking my mind from things, but by the time fall started, i started to lose it. my mom and i were garden buddies, and it was hard to keep the garden without her there to answer questions-- but i did it. but when the seasons changed and my garden faded, so did my last connection to my mom. i felt lost and for the first time i truly felt pain from grief. i cried for days. and then i felt ok for a little bit. does it always go in these waves? i can't wait to get through the holidays, the "firsts" of all of this. we already had our first b-days (hers too) but christmas-- i don't know.

sometimes it just doesn't seem like the tears are never going to stop, like the moments will always come up from behind to knock the wind out of me. after reading so many of these i see i am not alone and i thank you for being here for me to find some release.

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I am so sorry for the necessary pain you are going through, Leah. I can relate to the pain that is so emotionally deep that it causes an ache in your heart and gutts. My heart goes out to you. The pain for me would be so overwhelming that I felt that it was impossible to live through it. In retrospect, I believe that God helped me out by carrying the pain for me when I felt I no longer could. My pain came in waves too. Sometimes out of the blue. A thought would trigger an unforeseen wailing event that didn't seem like it would subside. With each intense feeling of grief and profound sadness and uncontrollable crying, came a release and a little healing. Each time, a little more healing...

I remember.....

Cindi o'h

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Hi Leah,

Welcome to our group. I am so sorry to hear about your mom's passing. My mom died on August 28th of this year and it is really hitting me now that I will never see her again. And the pain is unbearable and it does comes out of nowhere. I have a hard time talking to my dad or brother, b/c it is just too painful to hear the sadness in their voice. I just want the next year to be over, dreading the holidays and my upcoming birthday. I keep telling myself it will get better one day, but I think I now know what people mean when they say they never really get over it. For a while I thought I was ok and feeling very guilty about that. That feeling did not last for long.

Please come here often, there are a lot of wonderful and caring people in the same horrible position we are.

Denise

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I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you needed to find us, but I am glad you did. I am a big fan of therapy. Maybe we should just all have therapists assigned to us at birth, and have them follow us around. (But who would console us when our therapist died? Nah, I guess it wouldn't work.)

You are not alone. Many of us are bracing for the holidays the way we used to brace for hurricanes in Florida. The emotions will ebb and flow, there will be bad days, but there will be good ones, too. There is life on the other side of loss. There is happiness. There is meaning and fulfillment. Seek those out.

Welcome, Leah. I am glad you are here.

Curtis

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Hi Leah, and welcome to LCSC. I am so very, very sorry that you lost your wonderful mom to this awful disease. You expressed your love for her in a magnificent way.

I know it hurts - I just lost my dad in June, and my mom almost 6 years ago. The hurt will become less painful, but only with time. Your profound grief has been felt in my heart. I am so sorry.

Love,

Peggy

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Leah, welcome to our support family.Sorry to hear of the loss of your mother.You will find lots of knowing and caring people here.It's also a good place to vent or speak your peace.Sending prayers to you for strength and comfort in the coming days.

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Leah, I can relate to how you're feeling, I think. I lost my mom on Oct. 6, and it still doesn't seem like she's really gone. I will hit me all of a sudden and I just start to cry like a baby; usually in the car or just when I'm alone. It's like someone putting a vice grip on you heart and lungs and you can't breath and your heart aches. I miss my mom's hugs most of all. They always made the bad go away and made you feel invincible at the same time. The love that came from them would just ooze into you. My husband could tell you that!! She always said,"I love ya baby, you be careful with those babies!" She always said that when we left their house. I can hear her now and feel that big hug, like it was yesterday. I have these feelings one day, and then the next it's like she never left! I guess I'm trying to move on in some way.

If you ever need to talk, just PM me, okay? Praying for you and your family. God Bless.

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Hi,

I lost my husband on 7/14/04. I relate well to what you were saying about having a child keeping your mind occupied. If I remain focused on him or obsessively painting my house (long story) then I feel "ok" but give me some down time and I just think "I'm done with this" I don't even believe it happened I certainly can't see the rest of my life (I'm only 39) alone with out him. I think that expressing how you feel is important - feel free to share with us. I think we understand. Take care.

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thank you for the genuine and warm feeling of being where i belong right now. i see that we are all hurting so differently but still so much. and it doesn't go away, it just changes as it lessens if not at all, a little bit. thank you for the tears that made me feel good for the first time in a while :) thank you for a little bit of peace today.

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Leah,

There are a lot of us that are dealing with the loss of a parent.....particularly hard is the loss of the mother/daughter relationship. My Mom and I were intensely close.....I miss her everyday. It's been three months for me and in some ways it seems like an eternity and in some ways it feels like just yesterday.

I still reach for the phone, I still think about what to pick up for lunch for her, I still find myself wondering if she needs a new winter coat.....

I wish I had the magic pill that would keep the memories, but stop the pain.....but they are so intertwined that there is no way to separate them. I guess we just have to live through it......

There's a line from a song I love:

"And the walls that won't come down we can decorate or climb

Or find some way to get around

'Cause I'm still on your side, from the bottom of my heart."

The grief is a wall that won't come down, so we have to find other ways to deal with it.....I like the idea of decorating the wall.....keeping it there, but making it prettier, easier to live with!

God bless you in your journey,

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Leah,

So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom and best friend. It must be very difficult for you. I recently lost my partner of more than 23 years and it really hurts. I don't know if I can help you out but I've read two good books on grieving, which helped me understand the stages of grieving and why we are experiencing such strong waves of emotions. Understanding the process may help you deal better with your grief. The books are as follows:

The Mourning Book by Helen Fitzerald

Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life by Jill Brooke

Also, the following websites provided some very good insights on the grieving process and I found them very helpful and comforting.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

http://www.acponline.org/public/h_care/10-griev.htm

http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/grief.html

I've also been keeping a journal almost daily about how I feel. I write everything down, all my emotions, joy, anger, sadness and pain. For some reason, writing it down gets it out of my system because I don't have anyone to talk to at home anymore and it's lonely. For me the grieving process started 18 months ago when my partner was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. Hope this helps.

Tom

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Hi Leah,

My heart is full of sorrow for your loss. I lost my dad on Aug. 27th, and truly know what you're going through. It just seems that we either walk in fog, or are kept really busy by various things, etc. from time to time, so that we can go on, and so that we have some type of strength for those unforeseen "hit-in-the-head" memories that have a heart-wrenching way of popping up. They are not only painful, but can be scary too. I've felt like I've been on the brink of sheer panic sometimes when it's happened.

Ah, grief. One of life's horrific necessaries! :(

Keep the faith, and keep posting as you need!

Love and blessings,

Kitty

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