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Four Months Today


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It has been 4 months since Robert passed away. Somehow it seems like 4 years. He's been gone longer than he was sick. Unbelieveable. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone. I look at his picture and think it can't be true.

I guess we're doing alright considering we've lost our rock. We make it to work and school and pretty much stay caught up on all of our responsibilities. I don't know how we're able to do that honestly. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I wonder if I should still be laying in bed crying? I don't want anyone to think that I'm not devastated by his loss. I just feel like I have to take the best care of Alex that I can. He's too damn good of a kid to let go and not keep trying.

Tonight, on our walk, I imagined Robert waiting at the end of the block. Just looking up the street with his leather coat on and hands jammed down into his pockets. He was just waiting. Maybe he's just waiting for us in Heaven. How I wish I were there with him. Desperately.

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I too lost my husband, John, on Sept. 30, 2004. It is so very hard. He was only 53. He had NSCLC that had spread to his brain, spine, and liver. He lived 17 months after diagnosis. We have 3 children. I am not even comforted by the fact that he is no longer suffering. I just miss so much the lives we had before the cancer. It will be and is a whole different life now. We were just so happy with each other and our children and really didn't have a lot of interests outside of our immediate family. I am trying to make him proud of me by trying to be strong and I tell the kids that too. And, I try to only take one day at a time and make it through each day. I do know that he loves me and the kids so very much and I still feel that love. The only relief I seem to get is to cry and let out the grief.

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Joni (and Jean too),

I'm sorry for you. I'm scared, so very scared, when I read posts from you since Robert's death. I know that I'm not "supposed" to or "allowed" to think that I may be walking in your shoes some day, but God help me, I'm only human and I cannot help but think of the "what if"s. I hope that I am as strong as you both seem to be. I hope that I am able to be a good mother and balance my grief with my responsibilities. I just wanted you to know that I admire you for your strength and I hope that with every day that passes, time will slowly begin to heal your heart.

Love and prayers,

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