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MJ

delayed reaction?

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hi everyone,

i was wondering if anyone else had this experience. i still haven't had a good cry since my mom passed, and i don't feel a great amount of sadness either. i know that i miss her incredibly, but in some ways, i felt that i was already losing my mom throughout the end of her illness, so i already had time to miss her while she was here (does that make sense?). i spent 24/7 with her during her last weeks (and i was basically by her side for the duration of her illness; a little over a year), and i slept by her side-literally curled up next to her in the hospice bed at home-for the remaining days. but i had good cries throughout her illness, so i haven't really had to sob after she passed. even on the day of her passing, i didn't feel much connection to her body. i told her thank you and that i loved her, kissed her on the forehead and let go of her hand. but that was it. my brother, on the otherhand, couldn't get away from her (he had to be physically taken out of the room). even on the day of the funeral, he had a hard time when they were closing the casket (my dad too), but i didn't. i kind of felt that once she passed, her body was just that -- a body, but i could feel her presence everywhere around me. i don't know if i am making any sense. anyway, i'm just afraid that that good cry is going to hit me out of nowhere, and i feel ill prepared for it (if and when it's coming). i think that i am just too busy trying to take care of my dad now too, and i have been having some issues with my brother/sister-in-law (loooong story), so i haven't had the energy to cry. anyway, i was just curious about others' reactions. thanks for listening.

God bless,

mj

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Don't worry; you will cry and a plenty. But first you have to create the emotional space to be able to grieve; it sounds to me like it was all used up caring for your mom. So you are resting now, and when you have a little capacity built back up, you will grieve again. (And again. And again. ...)

I am sorry to hear you are having family issues, but maybe it can be a distraction when you need one anyway. Try not to do any permanent damage to any of your relationships now. That's about all you can hope for.

I think your reaction is probably normal for someone who has been that intensely a caretaker for such a long time. Keep on plugging.

Curtis

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MJ,

At my dad's funeral, our pastor talked about how everybody grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. He said some cry, some don't, some talk about it and some don't, some come to the funeral and some don't, some laugh and tell jokes and some think it's terrible to smile at a funeral. I can't remember everything he said, but he got the point across that everybody's way of grieving is ok, no matter how they grieve.

I also think it's different depending on the person that we have lost. I really was ok when my mom passed, but my sisters were more like your brother. My mom was expected to die about 20 years earlier than she did and was very sick for a very, very long time. To me, her passing was overdue and it was time for her poor frail body to give up. She asked Jesus to forgive her and save her about 1 week before she died (she was in the hospital), and the peace she experienced after that was comforting.

Now, when my dad died, it was a flip-flop. I had a much harder time, as did my brother, but the sister who had the hardest time with our mom did ok.

I didn't feel like my dad's time should be over yet. He was so full of life and love and expecting so many things to happen for him. One silly thing was that he was so excited to pay off his credit card. My mom gambled a lot, and they had a credit card over $10,000 when she died. It took him 5 years (because he had some emergencies he had to add to it), but he got it down to less then $3,500, was paying off $400 a month, and could hardly wait to see it hit zero. He never got to see that happen. I was his caregiver (he had severe COPD), and I have had a much harder time with him being gone. I miss him terribly.

In any case, you are ok just like you are. Whatever comes natural for you, is what is right for you.

I am so sorry for you loss.

Love,

Peggy

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MJ,

The most important thing I've learned during the grieving process with my Mom is that where ever you are, there you are.....sounds stupid....but if you're sad....you are....if you're content....you are.

Check with your hospice and see if they have follow up grief counseling. I'm starting with a grief group tomorrow night. I'm a bit apprehensive because I don't do the "group" thing very well (she says to the entire world).....

You did do a lot of your grieving "in advance". My Mom's illness progressed so fast that I didn't have time to even process it....sounds to me like you felt the loss for quite some time.....and it sounds like you did an amazing job taking care of your Mom; she must have felt so loved. What a gift you gave her.

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I read your post and could relate to quite a bit.

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with you. My gosh, you've given so much of yourself to care for her - that is what is important, that is what makes you special and caring and loving. It's not the amount of tears you shed when someone dies. When Robert died, I was right by his side. I honestly don't remember if I cried or not. I remember getting really hot and sweaty and not being able to stand. I know that in that moment, his body became really, hard to say, but not important to me. I did everything possible for him when he was alive and when he died I knew that my whole heart and soul had to be directed to our son. I've cried plenty. Probably MORE than normal if you ask my 8 year old son and probably LESS than normal if you ask people who don't know me. I will grieve how I grieve. I don't judge anyone else on their grief and I sure hope no one is judging me. Let your mind relax and if you can, take some time out of your day just to think of her. I listen to the songs playd at Robert's funeral sometime. Sometimes they bring me comfort and sometimes they make me cry. Depends on how much ativan I've had that day.

Please be easy on yourself. You've done good.

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I can totally relate to you!!! I was extremely close to my dad, but when he passed away, (which was 10/15/04), I was okay. I did a lot of grieveing in the early stages as you did. I remember not sleeping for days!!! I needed anxiety meds to help for awhile.

I miss my dad a lot, but I feel "protected" some how from the pain. Since my dad was diagnosed May 03, we've had time together to say the things we needed to say and had dinner every Sunday and talked every day. I have two sisters and we are an EXTREMELY close family. I too played a major part in my dad's last weeks at home. With hospice we were able to care for him at my parents' house. He was not able to walk, talk much, needed Depends and we fed him. He didn't know who we were most of the time since the cancer spread to the brain. And seeing him like that was awful, so I really think I was able to accept his death better. He wasn't living any kind of quality of life. I have no regrets...I was there during appointments, chemo and until the end. I said everthing I wanted to say. The cancer had spread to the liver, bones and brain. He should have been in so much pain, but with the spreading to the brain, the center for pain was affected (thank goodness!), so he didn't suffer. I am so thankful for that. I too am waiting for the big cry, but I was blessed with a wonderful dad and am thankful for all the time we did have together. Please PM me if you'd like. Thank you for your post. I can't tell you enough how much I feel what you are feeling!!

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I had similar feeling of without too much connection with his dead body at that moment of death. He just looked a bit different as usual. I think why I have this without connection feeling is because I think body is body, this body is no longer equal to "him". Body without soul is just a flesh. His soul was gone. I cried crazily when nurse told me that my dad probably cannot make it over night. But at the moment of death, all our family members were calm and I guess because we were all prepared for his gone during his dying.

On the day of his burial, I also unexpectedly calm as well. But after all set, emotions start to come and visit me regularly. Those were not big cry very often, they were mostly tears....but certainly there was still some big cries...from time to time.

I just think that my dear dad is just on the vacation/trip to somewhere that I can't reach him. This is my current daily feeling. I am quite normal everyday. But you know, just sometimes, the sad feelings come up.

Grieving is a process. Don't push yourself. Be real to yourself and your heart is good enough.

This is my story and hope you feel you are not abnormal. :)

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Thank you so much for this post. I thought that there was something wrong with me for I have not had a real good cry yet myself. My husband fought a good and hard battle for almost 2 years, and I was right by his side. He was in the hospital for 6 days and seemed to get better, we thought he was going to come home. I think he waited for everyone to go home and then gave in on his own. I talked to him twice on the phone the morning of his passing. He kept telling me he was just so tired. I told him to take advantage of noone being there and get some much needed rest. (He had someone by his side for 6 days). I will never forget the phone call I recieved that day (I never knew they just called and told you on the phone) I was in shock and disbelief and had to call back the hospital to make sure what I heard was true. While our family was falling apart I was strangley calm and collected. I felt guilty for not beaking down, and at the same time kind of a release if thats the right word. I felt like I needed to explain myself to everyone even though noone asked. I am at peace knowing that he is in a place with no pain or suffering for he went though so much. I am not a stone, I cry at sad movies and certain songs can send me off. I truelly think my grieving started on August 20th, 2002 when we heard for the first time his diagnosis. After 26 years, 3 children, and 5 grandchildren I am left to be a 43 year old widow. So sorry this turned out to be so long. Please know that you are not alone.

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Thank you so much for this post. I thought that there was something wrong with me for I have not had a real good cry yet myself. My husband fought a good and hard battle for almost 2 years, and I was right by his side. He was in the hospital for 6 days and seemed to get better, we thought he was going to come home. I think he waited for everyone to go home and then gave in on his own. I talked to him twice on the phone the morning of his passing. He kept telling me he was just so tired. I told him to take advantage of noone being there and get some much needed rest. (He had someone by his side for 6 days). I will never forget the phone call I recieved that day (I never knew they just called and told you on the phone) I was in shock and disbelief and had to call back the hospital to make sure what I heard was true. While our family was falling apart I was strangley calm and collected. I felt guilty for not beaking down, and at the same time kind of a release if thats the right word. I felt like I needed to explain myself to everyone even though noone asked. I am at peace knowing that he is in a place with no pain or suffering for he went though so much. I am not a stone, I cry at sad movies and certain songs can send me off. I truelly think my grieving started on August 20th, 2002 when we heard for the first time his diagnosis. After 26 years, 3 children, and 5 grandchildren I am left to be a 43 year old widow. So sorry this turned out to be so long. Please know that you are not alone.

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Hello everyone,

Thanks for posting your feelings and experiences. I sometimes wonder if I grieve correctly....you know what I mean....am I doing what other people expect to be done....do I seem not be bothered, too bothered? I have just learned about myself is that I want to grieve in private I don't really want to share those times when I feel like my stomach is going to explode and my eyes shoot out of the sockets from crying so hard. I like talking about Robert to others but not about him dying.

I look at those people who sleep/cry/not eat/ etc and I wonder, did they love their friend/family member mroe than I loved Robert, am I strong or am I weak?

I'm afraid of what's ahead and I worry ALL THE TIME about money and Alex - almost to hte point of not having energy/time to officially grieve.

I bet I sound so stupid...sorry.

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