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Doggie Dictionary


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The Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to

lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in

the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: What to do when your persons have food and you don't. To

do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad

and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their


SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs until

your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a

week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs

and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right

you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to

consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to

control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide

behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a

few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes,

and you complete the exercise by prancing away.

DEAFNESS: A malady which affects a dog when its person wants it

in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring

blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction,

or lying down.

THUNDER: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans

remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary

to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,

peeing on the rug, rolling your eyes wildly and following at

their heels.

WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old

candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and

strew the papers all over the house for your person to play with

by putting back in the wastebasket when they come home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it

is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your

whiskers clean.

BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and

themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" --

especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.

Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are

drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A last-resort maneuver used when the Regular Bump

doesn't get the attention you require. Especially effective when

combined with The Sniff (see above).

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without

restriction. To show your love, wag your tail and gaze

adoringly. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

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