desperation and no way to stop the downward slide

[lilyjohn]

It was around six in the evening when I left Johnny long enough to get something to eat. He never protested my leaving but I really didn't give him a chance to. I just told him that I was going to eat and would be back in a few minutes. I know I was only gone for a half hour or less. I was so nervous that I couldn't eat much. I knew something was wrong with Johnny's treatment but I didn't know what to do about it. I really thought the other doctor there that night would take over from J. and once the Ativan wore off Johnny would be alright again. I still believed that the fluids or fluid sounds in his lungs were caused by the Morphine.

When I got up to the floor he was on the nurse met me before I went to his room. He asked if I had Johnny's durable power of attorney. I told him no that Johnny had never made that decision and he was perfectly able to make his own decisions. His answer to me was that they didn't think that he was able to make his own decisions. I told him if that was the case Johnny's son lived in Rochester less than ten miles from the hospital and he would be the one to make any decisions. Then he asked who I was. I told him that I was Johnny's legal caregiver. That was when he told me that I could sign a paper to transfer him to Capital Medical center in Olympia. I told him again that I felt that I had no legal right to sign that paper. I suggested that he call Johnny Ray. His reply was that there wasn't time because the ambulance was on the way.

He said that they had to get Johnny to Olympia as soon as possible because his doctor was there and that was the only way he could get treatment for pneumonia. He handed me the paper to sign and I saw no place for me to sign. I handed it back to him. There was a place for a nurse to sign and he crossed out nurse and told me to sign there and write legal caregiver next to my name. I did what he asked. I thought I was doing what had to be done for Johnny to get treatment. I had no idea that I was being lied to or that they didn't need my signature. I was used and I thought made a part of his death. It was only later that I learned that I wasn't needed to sign. They wanted me to sign to back up their lie that Johnny had requested to go to Capital. They must have thought too that because I had signed that paper I would never question them forcing him to go there against his will.

When I got to his room he was more messed up than when I left. He was telling me that they wanted to send him off to Olympia and he wasn't going. He was going home with me and nowhere else. He was really afraid by then and kept trying to get out the door and go home. That's when I learned that they had tried to get him to sign the paper and he wouldn't do it. They wanted to get rid of him but he wouldn't cooperate that is why they said that he was incapable to make his own decisions. They said that because he wouldn't do what they wanted him to do. There was no other reason. They lied to me and used me in a way that would make me feel guilty for months so they could dump him on another hospital because J. thinks he is God and they wanted to cover up their screw up of giving him that damn Ativan.

He continued to beg me to take him home and still kept trying to leave. I kept trying to calm him but he was so upset and so afraid that nothing that I said helped. Then that nurse told me that I had to leave. He said they would never get him in the ambulance with me there. I didn't want to leave him. He needed me and he was so afraid by then. I kept stalling and Johnny kept insisting that I take him home. I knew they were going to send him to Olympia and I had to go with him but they weren't going to let me. I had never been there and didn't know the way and it was so foggy. How could I go to him there. He needed me and I was so afraid for him and he was so afraid. My God what was I going to do?????????

I was so torn. I didn't want to leave him. I knew how afraid he was and he needed me. I didn't want him to go but they kept insisting that the ambulance was on the way and he had to get there quickly so he could be treated for pneumonia. I kept stalling and the nurse kept telling me that I had to leave. Johnny heard and insisted that I was going nowhere without him. He was begging me to just take him home!!! I didn't know what to do. I was so alone that night Johnny was all I had and he needed me and I needed him. I had to protect him but how? What was the right thing to do? I know that I should never have left him alone with them. I had already seen what they had done to him with that Ativan. I knew that he was afraid of them and that they couldn't be trusted. Why did I let them make me leave? Why didn't I get on the phone with Johnny Ray and insist that he get there and help me figure out what to do? He should have been there for me and Johnny. He knew something was wrong by the calls Johnny made to him. Why did he leave me alone there with him so messed up and frightened and them pressuring me to leave? It was so wrong and so unfair to both me and Johnny.

A half hour passed and I was still there. Johnny was still getting out of bed and trying to leave. I kept trying to talk to him and calm him but all he wanted me to do was take him home. He was so strong that I couldn't handle him. He was afraid and still confused about being in a fire house at times then other times he said we couldn't make him go to the other hospital. He was determined that he was not going and that I was going to take him home. The nurse was still pressuring me to leave. Finally I decided to go and get my things ready and find a way to get to Olympia so I could be there with him. I lied to him so he would let me leave. I told him that I was going to the bathroom so he wouldn't fight me about leaving.

When I got to my car I didn't leave. The ramp for the ambulance was right in front of me. I decided to wait so I could see how he was when they left with him. While waiting I called Pam and told her what was happening. That call was placed just a few minutes after seven. At least a half hour to forty five minutes after they told me that the ambulance was on the way. I sat there for another half hour waiting but the ambulance never came. I knew that if I was going to go to Olympia I had to go home and take Misty to Johnny Ray's and find a way to get there. I was afraid to drive it by myself in the dark and the fog but if that is what I had to do I would.

I still have waking nightmares wondering what happened after I left him that night. He must have been so afraid when I didn't come back. He was already frightened and messed up from the Ativan. What did they do to him after I left? That question haunts me every day. I found out later that they gave him Morphine after I left but how? He would never have taken anything they gave him after the Ativan and he would have fought them putting anything in his IV because of it too. They either put it in the nebulizer and pumped it into his lungs again or they held him down and put it in his IV port. What ever they did set him up for the things that would happen at Capital and kill him.

I don't remember driving home. All I remember is that it was so foggy I could hardly see. All I could see was that cold white wall of fog.

I went straight to my phone and called the hospital. I wanted to ask how Johnny had been when they left with him. The nurse told me that he was still there. I started grabbing some of my clothes out of the closet and threw them in a plastic grocery bag. Then I grabbed the charger for my cell phone. Once I had all of my things together I called Valerie to tell her that they were sending Johnny to Olympia and I was going there to be with him as soon as I finished packing. She asked how I was going and I told her that I was going to see if I could get a bus and if not I would drive. I told her that if I had to drive I would call her back and get directions. Then I hung up and called for a bus but the station was closed. I tried another number and got an answering machine with the bus schedule. There were no buses to Olympia that night.

I was in such a state it is just so hard to describe what it was like. The fear and desperation were driving my every move. I had to get to Johnny. He needed me. He would be alright as soon as I got to him. I was there for him. He had told me that I was sent to save him. I had to be with him as long as I was with him he would be alright. I was so frantic and shaking trying to decide what to do. I had no idea where that hospital was. I just knew that they were taking Johnny there and I had to go. I decided I had no choice but to drive myself.

I kept calling the hospital every twenty minutes and each time I did they told me that he hadn't left yet. Then finally around ten a nurse told me that they were just leaving with him and she gave me the phone number for Capital. I waited until ten thirty and called. The nurse told me that he was just getting there and she had no information for me yet. I asked her for directions and she started telling me how to get there. I was trying to get every detail but I know I missed at least half of what she was saying. I had no idea how I would find that place in the fog but I knew that I had no choice but to try. My Johnny was there and he needed me and I needed to be with him.

I called again twenty minutes later and I was told that his oxygen level had dropped dangerously low and they were working on him. The nurse also told me that his doctor Dr.O. had put a DNR on him. I told her no they can't do that. That is not what he wants that's why they sent him there because he wouldn't sign one. She told me that with no one else to make the decision his doctor had made it for him. I was so frantic by then. They were talking about letting him die. My God he could have been dying at that minute and no one was doing anything to save him. I had to do something quickly.

I called Valerie and told her and she said that Johnny Ray was getting ready to call up there and talk to them anyway. He wanted to know how his dad was and exactly what was going on. He talked to me and I told him. I was so afraid. I was crying and begging him to hurry. Then I told him that I was leaving right them but I had to bring Misty to them. He told me not to leave until I talked to him again.

While he was on the phone with the hospital I called Pam again. We stayed on the phone praying the whole time. I was so afraid. "Please God please take care of my Johnny please keep him safe. I'm coming sweetheart. I coming Honey. I'm coming you'll be alright. I'm coming. Please God please!"

It seemed like forever before I could reach Johnny Ray and find out what was going on. I was so desperate and just didn't know how I was going but I knew that there was nothing that was going to keep me from Johnny. While waiting to hear from him I called the hospital and they told me that he had stabilized. That was all they could tell me at that time.

Finally after another twenty minutes or so I called and Johnny Ray's phone rang. Valerie answered and told me to come over there and I could ride with Johnny Ray. He was going to the hospital. I put Misty and my clothes in the car with Johnny's things that were still there from the nursing home. I don't know how I drove that distance that night. The fog was so thick and I was shaking so bad and all the time I was praying and telling Johnny that I was coming to him.

It was one thirty or after by the time we got to the hospital. Johnny Ray knew where to go. They had told him that his dad would be on the second floor instead of the third. He was in a special care unit. When we got there there was one nurse with him. He was sound asleep. I went to him and kissed him and told him that I was there. He barely opened his eyes to acknowledge that he heard me. I knew when I saw him that he had been drugged. He was just the opposite of the way he had been after the Ativan.

I asked the nurse how he was doing and she said "better". I asked how bad the pneumonia was and she replied "we don't think he has pneumonia only bronchitis". Then I asked the same question as always. "Is he moving air all the way down in both lungs?" She said "yes, there are a lot of crackles and wheezes in there but he is moving air all the way down in both lungs".

There was a monitor standing next to his bed but I'm not even sure if it was attached to him. I saw a blood pressure reading and found it was just a little high. I asked the nurse if that was what his blood pressure was and she said no. She told me that was the reading the last time it had been taken. Then she told me that his blood pressure wasn't taken very often because he was not in ICU but a special care unit that was used to stabilize a patient and get them ready for a room. I don't even remember how it came up in the conversation. I only remember her telling us that Johnny had been sent to Capital because our hospital in Centralia did not have an ICU.

One of the easiest lies for me to uncover was the one told to me by that nurse. After Johnny's death one simple phone call told me that there is an ICU at that hospital in Centralia. Why the lie? What did that matter anyway? The same nurse had just told me that he was not in ICU but a special care unit.Why were Johnny and I told they were sending him there because his doctor was there? Why did they tell Johnny Ray that he had been out of control at the hospital in Centralia? I suspect that was in case we questioned why he was in a drugged state when he had been just the opposite before I left him earlier that night. They wanted to make sure that they had an excuse for having drugged him to get him in that ambulance.

We stayed with him about a half hour. I was still very worried about him but not as frantic as I had been. He was doing better and no longer in that messed up condition that he had been earlier. I felt that he was in no immediate danger. When I learned that he would be in the special care unit until at least late morning and that there was no place for me to rest I decided to go home with Johnny Ray and spend the rest of the night there. The next day I would drive my car up there in case I needed it for something or to have when it was time to bring Johnny home with me.

It was after three thirty when we got back to Johnny Ray's house. I was exhausted from all of the day's stress but couldn't settle down. I was still very worried about Johnny and trying to figure out how things had gotten so far out of hand so fast. I knew that Jump and his remarks were partly responsible but I knew too that the Ativan was the thing that had caused the most problems. Why did they give that to him knowing that he had had an adverse reaction to it. The main question is why did they give that to him after he refused it? He had every right to refuse any medication.

I went to the bedroom but couldn't fall asleep. I was tense and anxious for the night to pass so I could go to Johnny. All of the things that had happened in the last twenty four hours kept going through my mind. I was restless and very uneasy about him being at that hospital alone. I vowed that once I got to him again no one would force me to leave him.

I had only been down a few minutes when I heard someone come to the door and talking. I got up to see who it was. Jamie and Emily were there. They hadn't stopped that day on their way back from Oregon because they had left there late. They had just gotten home around midnight when Johnny Ray had called to tell them about Johnny. They had left and stopped at the hospital to see him. He was sleeping when they got there so they didn't stay long and came on to Johnny Ray's to spend what was left of the night. We would all go to the hospital later that morning.

I called the hospital every hour to check on him. I was always told that he was sleeping and doing better. When I wasn't talking to them I was talking to Pam. She stayed up all night so she could keep up on Johnny's condition and be there for me. I don't know how I would have made it through that terrifying night without her.

I was getting anxious for the others to get up and ready to leave. I had to wait for them so I could follow. It was still very foggy and I had been in such a state the night before that there was no way I could remember how we had gotten to that hospital. When I called to check on Johnny around eight that morning the nurse told me that he was doing so well that they were going to transfer him to a room on the third floor. She also told me that he would have someone else in the room with him and there would be a full time sitter there in case either of them needed any thing. She assured me that I had nothing to worry about while waiting to go there.

Not long after I talked to her Valerie's phone rang. She couldn't find the phone so put the speaker on when she answered. It was Johnny and he was looking for me. I talked to him and told him how good it was to hear him awake and sounding so well. He wanted to know why I wasn't with him. After I explained he told me that the only thing he could remember from the time he got to the emergency room in Centralia was Jump harassing him about the DNR and that they had given him that Ativan. He also told me that God had been with him all night. I told him that I knew that because Pam and I had been on the phone most of the night praying.

We talked a little more and then he asked me when I was going to get there. I told him that I was ready but waiting on the others. As soon as they were ready we would leave. I also told him that I was following in my car and there was no way that I would leave him again.

We left for the hospital not long after I talked to him. I felt so much better. He sounded well and alert and there was none of the confusion that there had been after the Ativan. I remembered what the nurse had said the night before about him moving air down in both lungs and she had just told me how well he was doing. I started thinking again about going to Seattle the next week. I knew for sure that God had answered my prayers. He led me to the treatment center and got Johnny though the night. He was doing better and anxious to see me. I had a lot to be thankful for.

The drive to Olympia was not easy for me. I still didn't like to drive on the Interstate too much and it was still very foggy. I'm sure the visibility couldn't have been more than an eighth of a mile. Johnny Ray was flying and I had to keep up with him or get lost. At one time I saw that I was doing eighty and slowed down when I got him in my sight again. I was relived to get to that hospital for more than one reason.

Tom and his family met us at the hospital and we all went up together. I went to Johnny's bed and kissed him. He told me that he had sure missed me and was so glad that I was there. He looked so much better than the night before that I got a catch in my throat. I told him "Oh Sweetheart you have no idea how much I missed you or how worried I was." Relief swept over me in waves. I hadn't slept more than four hours in two nights and had gone through that terrible day but I was finally with Johnny and he was alright. Nothing else mattered.