My Pity Pot

[kimmek]

Dear friends,

I hope I am not wrong in posting this, but I need to vent to someone, something so badly. I just cannot hold it all in any longer, I am so tired of pretending everything including me is all jolly and well. Maybe everyones life is similar, and to me that would help me to see I am not alone here. My SO thinks I just feel sorry for myself. Hum, well, maybe, dont I have a right to a bit of that? Dont I have good enough reason for being mentally and phsyicaly exhuasted? I feel I am expected to be perfect and have all the answers, fix all problems...kinda odd though, I used to think my Mom was that person.

When I was 21, I was going thru a divorce with 2 babies, my Mom was also divocing my Dad after 22 yrs. Mom and I lived together 6 yrs raising my kids. She was my bestfriend, she allowed me

be to have a life,a career by caring for my kids when I was working. My son was born with a genetic eye problem. He is legally blind, color blind as well. He and my mom as extremely close, she has always babied him and was still driving him to work and other places when she got sick. I took on that role, so she would not worry, I needed to show her i thought that I could care for Jason the way she does. The week before Mom's dx my oldest daughter was arrested yet again, and has been in jail ever since and will be for prolly 18 months. This is to me, for me a good thing, as she and I drain one another bad, I am worn down from trying to love her, help her, she has me wrapped around her finger as my son does his grandmother.Today is visitation, I honestly do not have the energy to drive 45 miles one way and wait 2 hours for a 20 minute visit. she is doing great this is helping her, she is gettinghelp, although treatment would be better. She wants needs money too,I am so broke as I have not able to work from taking care of mom and driving Jason to work,and I drive my youngest daughter to school and back.

Money fixes everything, I dont think when you have it u think that way but when you dont have money you do, or at least it seems to me it would make my life easier, not exactly better. I have not figured out how to work though and do what i am required to do everyday. I dont sleep at night, its alwasy been an issue but since dx, its really bad.3-4 hrs a nite maybe and thats sleeping hereat my desk or even in the bathroom, so exhausted i fall alseep the minute i sit down and close my eyes. My family laughs, says to be careful in the car, yes there too. I need help. I take antidepressants that my son gets for me thru his medicaid, they are free for him. I take vitamins, anything i can that might help me feel better that doesnt require a doctor or insurance. My SO, or so called fiance (I have a ring)has insurance, we could get married and that would solve that big worry. He doesnt want to get married. I do but know I cant really as it would cost us money. I get social security along with my youngest daughter.(2nd hubby commited suicide 8 yrs ago)

We marry mine goes away.I need every dime I can to live right now. I have some medical probs. I smoke,Ive gained 50 lbs since dx, i eat horribly, only candy and cokes. I dont have time to cook. I keep my house clean, I do everything for my Mom, she has had to do nothing since dx, ive spoiled her bad, she just sits now, knowing ill take care of it.

I get upand put coffee on at 3-4am everyday icome here read posts and just sit for hours going back and forth from this site to another forum(not cancer related), worrying constantly, about mom,about me and my health, and of course money. I told my youngest(13) that we would have Christmas in Feb when I got my income tax. She said thats fine, Mema is the only who who really deserves Chirstmas this yr. I though WOW, she never ceases to amaze me. Little does she know how serious I really was. I have always struggled at christmas, I pretty much have alwasy raised my 3 kids alone. I went to Wally World and put 30 dollars down on a layaway knowing fully well i probaly wont have the balance to get it out, but I felt better for a bit. My SO giveseverything he makes, but with child support,bankruptcy,insurance,retirement etc, he dont bring home that much, now in a few yrs that will be different. I guess its the holidays that get me extra sad, maybe i should turn the christmas music off the radio. God has given us the best possible gift there is..NED, why am I so sad,tiredand all those other things. And more importantly why is Mom so sad? I know she worrys to about money, she lives on a fixed incme and now that she has officialy lost her job because of this latest thing with the pain its really got her worried about how she will live. She doesnt seem to me to have the will to live anylonger,

i am so afraid there is something wrong with me and I am going to die, its becoming scary. My legs and ankles have been swollen for 5 weeks solid, they hurt to walk, SOB,weight gain,stress all those things point to the heart. I dont know how to help my self without insurance, i really dont want to wait around till something happens and I have to go the ER,where then it may be to late. How can I help my mom though if I am sick? She wont make it without me, she is totally dependant on me for everything. She wont let anyone else do anything for her, but i think I need some help. I need sleep.

I really just want to be happier,feel a bit better, my entire body aches when i walk or get up from a sitting position, dont have any ideas there, i just know i feel about 70 yrs old. Less that a yr ago, I remember workin

till 9 every nite and i felt great. No way i could hold a job today, dont even think clear enough.

I dont have many friends, always felt my family was enough, My one dear friends is going thru cancer with her SO also, so I do have the cancer/SO covered with her, we both can vent to each other. This coming week my job is to get my mom insurance switched to either medicare or use the Cobra. I guess ill have to get on the phone a see what works better for the money. At least that wont be a finacial worry as my brother has said he would take care of that for her as well as her rent. He lives about 3 hrs away and is not much help ona daily basis, but he does help Mom finacially. We do not get along so well and no way on earth he would help me. Although since moms dx he has seen the way ive cared for her, so i guess he doesnt hate me as much as he once did.

Sometimes it helps to put your feeling and thought on paper, and then wad it up and toss in the garbage, but now we have the option of the send button and suddenly you have support and understanding. Thank you for letting me sit on my pity pot here. And I certainly hope i didnt say anything to hurt anyone, or cause them to get their pity pot out, that was not my intention. only to vent.

Thanks Kim

[cindi o'h]

Kim.

Very good job venting. Very good.

I didn't hear any pity pot. That's a drone. You have major concerns. Honored that you spoke to us about them.

Well. You are creating character...but, it looks as if character-building has been going on for you a whole life-time.

Can you imagine the total package when "He"

is all done with you?

cindi o'h

[kimmek]

Wow Cyndi its words like that I need. It puts everything in a totally new perspective when i can look at things like that. its all just overwhelming at times

[pecola]

(((((Kim))))) I wish I could reach through cyber-space and give you a huge hug and then some much needed rest.

Venting is an excellent thing to do when you are just worn out and stressed out. And it is no wonder your body is starting to hurt - it's exhausted.

I know there are no good answers because sometimes things are what they are - but try to take just 5 minutes out for yourself in a quiet place each day to breath deep and gather your thoughts, and just know that there are about 1500+ people here that care about you and will listen to you day or night.

Lots of Love,

Gina

[stand4hope]

Hi Kim!

I ditto what Cindi said. You did a very good job of venting. I really do think it does help to get it all down on paper (screen) and then especially to send it to someone who will listen. You did an excellent job of describing everything you are going through and you "called" the right people to listen.

We hear you, and you have our love, hugs and support. Another thing you might try is to make a list of all the various challenges you have right now, and then on a separate sheet of paper to brainstorm every solution you can think of to each individual problem. Write it down no matter how crazy or silly it might be.

You will, of course, draw a line through the ridiculous things later, but even putting those things down helps to clear your mind and come up with ideas that you haven't thought of. If you don't want to write it - type the list on your computer, and brainstorm the solutions on the computer.

Other solutions to being overwhelmed are:

(1) take a walk outdoors if the weather permits;

(2) make a list of everything (EVERYTHING) you have that you are grateful for;

(3) stand up, raise your arms over your head, smile as big as you can, stretch and take a deep breath - totally relaxing your body after each breath [repeat 5-10 times];

(4) relax your shoulders;

(5) watch I Love Lucy, Home Improvement, Friends or Raymond (don't watch drama, horror or sad shows);

(6) play all "oldies" on your radio or CD player; and

(7) do the "Twist" with your kids in the kitchen or family room (you might have to teach them and if you don't know how to do the Twist, see if you can get Mom up to give a demo - "Twist and Shout" is best for this therapy. ).

Oh, and one more - Play "Wipe Out" on your CD player as loud as you can stand it!! LOL!

All my love and prayers for you Kim, and also a big smiles coming your way.

Love,

Peggy

[stand4hope]

P.S.

And as a side note to No. 3 above, get your kids to do this with you and do it in front of your mom if you can - everybody will get so silly, they'll be dropping on the floor when they get totally relaxed, that I guarantee even your mom will laugh, and it sounds like she needs a good laugh.

Love,

Peggy

[appleton]

Kim,

I think of you and your mom often. Take care...........GOOD THOUGHTS

are coming your way.

Karen

[-Cheryl-]

Kim,

Venting can be very therapeutic. You need to talk to someone. You sound overwhelmed and full of anxiety.

If you have a community mental health agency go! You need counseling to cope with all of this. Don't take your son's antidepresants if they weren't prescribed for you. Medicine is not a panacea, but it can help. Your local MH agency or community health agency should be able to help with the meds. Ask your doc for sample scripts. Meds must be titrated, ask your doc about it. Most importantly, you got to take care of yourself. Get rest, learn relaxation techniques, eat right, and exercise. All of these things will help the physical, as well as your mental outlook (there is a symbiosis between the two.) I hope things improve for you. I wish I could help- and btw, misery loves company.ha!

Cheryl