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My heart is breaking......


Angie Daughter of Bill

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Well guys, I've held this in as long as I could........My heart is breaking right now.........in a million pieces. Every single day it seems that my Dad is feeling worse. He is sooooooo tired. He is getting radiation to the T12 and left hip. We were advised that he might get *slightly* tired. Well, he is barely able to get out of the bed. (This is the same man who breezed through six rounds of Carbo/Taxol)

Dad has been dizzy for the past three or four weeks. One time to the point that he fell down and scratched himself all over! About three weeks ago, Dad lost his appetite. We got Megace to increase his appetite. To this day, it has done nothing for his appetite. Yesterday, another new symptom. He says that he feels like he can't swallow..........not like a radiation burn, but like the muscles in his throat aren't working and won't allow him to swallow. Anything heavier than ice cream gets him strangled. Now to today......Dad has felt TERRIBLE all day long. I have taken his BP several times today. The lowest reading was 75/53. The highest was 85/63. I want to call the doctor RIGHT NOW. Dad wants to wait until in the morning. (he has a radiation treatment in the morning)

This is all just tearing me apart. So many new symptoms, so few days. Is my Dad nearing the end? Oh, I just can't think about that.

I put up my Christmas tree yesterday. Normally this is a fun time for me, my hubby and the girls. My Dad usually sits back watching and giving directions on where we need to put what. This year, he stayed in the bed. He got up one time and said, "Babe, this will probably be the last Christmas that we have together.) :cry: I just wanted to run to my room like I did when I was a little girl and cry my eyes out. But with age comes responsibility, huh? Instead of crying in my room, I listened to Dad. I told him that we were going to have the best Christmas ever. I told him that this Christmas, we are certainly going to remember the true meaning of Christmas. This is sooooo hard!!

Well, there is so much more that I would like to say, but I fear that I have rambled on waaaay too long. (If you read this far, thank you! :wink: ) Please know that I think of you each and every day.

In my thoughts and prayers~~~

Angie

P.S. This whole post is just my random thoughts...........I know I rambled on and skipped from one thing to the next........it's just some things that I needed to get off my chest.

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Angie, glad you vented. You need that. If your dad is not eating or drinking enough during treatment phase, he may be dehydrated, and that can cause dizziness. Hang in there. Don't give up. Lucie was only supposed to see one more Christmas and she is on the verge of seeing her third since diagnosis. Blessings. Don

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Thank you Don!! Truly from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I do think of how well Lucie has done. It gives me hope. I just wish that my Dad would get a little hope in his heart. He feels bad. He now feels like he has cancer. Although he is willing to go through treatments, he has lost all hope in his heart. :cry: That's the really hard part. It's so hard to see him this way. I can't begin to imagine how HE must be feeling.

Geesh.........today I can turn a simple thank you note in to a whole soap opera! Sorry 'bout that, Don! Love to you and yours!!

Angie

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Angie,

I am sooo sorry. This is sooooo HARD!! This is the place to be able to vent your feelings.

I'm wondering if your Dad could be dehydrated and that could be the reason for the dizziness and the low blood pressure and just feeling bad in general.

Praying for you and your Dad

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Angie,

Doggone it! I'm so sorry to hear that your dad is feeling so rotten and that you are having such a hard time, too.

It really, really sounds like he's dehydrated. The low blood pressure and dizzy spells are classic symptoms. I think you really must tell him that you HAVE to call the doctor tonight because it sounds like he needs fluids. The doctor may say it can wait until tomorrow, and he might say he needs attention tonight. I don't know how dangerous being dehydrated can be, but I do know those BP numbers are way too low. Our onc said anything below 90 (for the systolic - top number) needs attention.

Just tell him that you checked with a nurse friend (I know that's a lie, but do it anyway) and she told you that dehydration is very dangerous and that you HAVE to call the doctor.

If it's dehydration, he will feel better FAST!

Please keep us posted because now we will all worry, too.

Love and prayers,

Peggy

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((((Angie)))),

You ramble all you want to. We all need to do that when those we love are having bad days. This disease is filled with so much guess work and so many unknowns. The holidays makes our emotions that much more intense. I can relate to how you feel. I will keep you in my prayers and hope tomorrow will be a better day.

God Bless,

sue

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Dadgummitt, this is not what we like to hear. Does sound like possible dehydration tho. I would call his doctor tonight, if nothing else just for your sanity. Hope it is somithing simple. Now sit back and take a deep breath and then call the doctor. Keep us posted. I will be looking for your next post.

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(((Angie))))

I don't have much to say except that I am so impressed with your reaction and answer to your father's concern to you. I know that it must have been so painful to hear, but you listened to his concern and feelings and you were there for him. You should be very proud.

My heart goes out to you. Please try to remember your words, and enjoy each and every moment of this holiday season that you are sharing with your Dad. I have a hunch that is what he wants. In the interim, we are here if you need us.

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From one Angie to another...I am so sorry for what you are going thru. It is SO DIFFICULT to see a loved one suffer. You should feel so good about all the love and support you are giving your dad. I'm so glad you posted. I have been thinking of you. It's so difficult during this time of the year thinking of future holidays. Enjoy this year together. I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Angie

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Hi Angie,

Your Dad is feeling the radiation. It causes exhaustion, and inability to eat. I still feel difficulty swallowing. His BP is so low that it could cause the dissiness for sure. For sure talk to his doctor about it. The meds he is taking can also contribute to that. Getting up and even sitting, can circulate blood flow to the brain.

Angie you said all the right things. Make him feel needed by giving him a little project to do. Ask his advice for something. Help to make him feel valued and needed still. Pull him back amongst the living. Take him to see the Christmas lights with the girls. Rent some funny movies and laugh. There is a new game called out "American Idol" that is a hoot. Please vent here anytime you need to Angie. WE are family!

Cheryl

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Angie,

It is so great that you are there for your dad on so many levels. It must be terrible to watch him get worse day by day. The dehydration does sound like an answer and should be addressed sooner rather than later. I hope your dad feels better with a bag or two of fluids and that your Christmas season can be one of happiness that you are still together.

My dad didn't have cancer, he died at age 57 of heart disease and diabetes. Before he died he had 3 strokes. He was a brilliant man. Surgeon, father, husband and business man...he was my hero. It broke my heart to see him suffer and not be able to do the things he wanted to do. I can imagine how you must feel. Know that each day is precious. Each moment something to celebrate. You should be proud that he can talk to you about his feelings. That is a huge compliment.

I have you in my daily prayers and hope that tomorrows visit will have some answers.

Nina

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Angie, as my dad was suffered from brain mets that I found there's some similarities. I would suggest to get a brain CT/MRI to check if there is any mets there.

I will pray for you and your dear dad. I know how you feel and how upset you were while he told you those "last" .. things.

Keep hoping and positive. You are doing very well.

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Angie,

A great deal of what you wrote about your dad could have been written about Steve when he was going through radiation. The fatigue was overwhelming, he didn't talk much and spent most of the time in bed. The eating was the same (this was when he lost most of the 60 lbs). We never tried Megace, but every other trick to try to interest him in eating. Amazingly our GP thought it might be severe acid reflux - even though we were highly doubtful because he didn't have the symptoms which we associated with acid reflux. The medicine worked miracles and he immediately started eating again. Also, I don't know if your dad is on morphine, but morphine also caused Steve's BP to really go down. Hope things start turning around - and remember they can! (Steve is sitting right next to me looking for the name of the acid reflux med. He's doing terrific!) Oh, he found the name. It was Protonix.

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I'm sorry Angie.

When I first read your post, I had to log off. It just reminded me of my dad :cry: ....and your dad is young and it all (all of this for all of us) is just so unfair.

The others here posted about rad. side-effects, so I won't re-post.

But I will say that there is hope that those effects can be countered and I am praying that he tolerates the remainder of his treaments well. Others have been thru this and come out successfully- have made friends with NED and are on their 2nd and 3rd Christmas since dx.

I pray this for your dad. You are doing so much...I wish I were closer and could help.

Just know that I am sending positive thoughts your way.

Many hugs,

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Dear Angie,

So sorry that you -- and your Dad -- are going through such a tough patch right now. Let me add my 2 p to the lot, though I'm sure by now you've gotten in touch with the doctor. The dehydration sounds logical with everything else going on.

Len just finished radiation and he too was exhausted. He's still feeling really tired, though not in the same category as a week ago, but I can see that his strength is coming back. He also cut way down on eating and drinking -- especially drinking: found it difficult to swallow anything cold. And he had been complaining about feeling bloated, having no appetite. The doctor put him on an acid reflex pill and it has worked. The feeling of bloatedness/fullness is disappearing as is the gassiness. He's doing much better now. So check it out!

Hope that your dad will start feeling better soon and that you can enjoy this -- and many more -- holidays together.

Ellen

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Dear Angie,

I don't know what to say to add what all the others have posted about the dehydration possibilites and that I too believe that he could quickly turn around and feel great in a week or so. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you to continue to find the strength and courage that you found when you talked to your father after decorating the tree. I know that your ability to cope (or atleast the appearance of it) has given your father a great deal of comfort.

Love to you and your family,

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Angie,

your post took my breath away. I remember all of those feelings. every single one. I remember the raw pain of not knowing, but then again knowing what will happen. I can hold your hand through this and go through the pain with you. I can do anything but prevent your heart from breaking. BUT one day it will not hurt this way. One day you will smile again and one day your dad will be healthy and very very happy again.

i wish I could make things better for you.

i am here always.

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(((((Angie)))))

Sorry I am so late in seeing this haven't been around much lately. I am sorry you and your Dad are having a rough time. Hopefully by now you will have talked to the Dr. and have a plan in place. You are amazing, I can only hope to learn from you and all the other "wise ones" on this board, to be able to handle these situations gracefully. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Much Love,

Amy

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dear little Missy

don't you be giving up on your daddy so fast!!

I was feeling pretty darn awful through treatment and made it through somehow. Kind of good for me, though, nobody has to watch my misery. You just hang in there. He probably needs lots of rest and it sounds like he is doing just that. Swallowing can be very uncomfortable if not down right difficult to impossible.

See if you can't take him in for an eval. It will put your mind to rest. And if there is anything that he needs, then they will give that to him at the ER.

Do come here and tell us what is going on. WE Care.

You take care of yourself and that good daddy of yours.

Love Cindi o'h

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