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Sad day


KatieB

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Today was a sad day...for no real reason at all.

It started off very normally and nicely. My family is fine, the day was fine....then tonight, after everyone has gone to bed and I feel completely alone and to myself.......I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness wash over me. I miss my dad. No, I really miss my dad.

I didn't even cry on thanksgiving...even though the memories of my dad made me sad more than once....

I didn't even go to the cemetary...was so busy with family things and worrying over mom, keeping her busy, wanting a good day for us all, then it was just too late to go out there....

But today, a normal everyday Sunday, for no particular reason at all...I am filled with much sadness.

Even in reading the posts here today...I have cried many tears. I felt a tightness in my chest...like my heart was actually hurting....

Angie's post about her dad and him saying that he thought this would be his last Christmas....man oh man, I totally lost it on that post.

Does this happen to any of you? It has been 15 months since my dad died. Everything is so vivid and clear in my mind from 2 1/2 years ago until now....if I think about it too much...I completely lose myself in it.

I try to stay super busy and I rarely allow myself to grieve because I am afraid of the depth of what that raw sadness would be like if I completely lost control...in fact, I try to stay completely in control....but now, a few times, I felt totally out of control and the tears come.

Is it the holidays? Is it because I have more alone time since I am working from home and not in an office? Is it because I am spending more time with my mom? Is it because I never fully grieved after my dad died and I have been losing myself in work work work?

What? do you think?

Somebody will tell me that it takes time...rationally, I know that. But right now, all "time" has done for me is make me miss my dad more.

>>Just needed to vent

thanks everyone.

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Katie,

Sorry, I don't have any magic words. I'm not going to tell you that I know how you feel.............I don't. I haven't walked in your shoes.

What I can tell you is that my Aunt Kay, who lost her husband three years ago, still cries. It comes in waves. Some days she is on top of the world. Some days all she can manage to do is cry and talk about her lost love. :cry: So, I guess you are normal.

Please know that I keep you in my prayers daily. I pray that you will find comfort.

In my thoughts and prayers~~~

Angie

P.S. Sorry for the tear jerker post. I try not to do that, but some of the things going on yesterday were just too much. (especially some of the things that Dad said)

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Oh Katie,

You have been on my mind the last few days. I was wondering how you made it through Thanksgiving. I too have been fighting the sadness again. It does come over me in waves and I feel like I am drowning in it.

Take some time for you and accept that there will be days like this. I think we all have them. The memories tied to the holidays are so vivid that it is hard to accept that that one person is not here with us to celebrate them.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love,

Shirleyb

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Katie

I am so sorry you are going thru this. It something that I cannot even fathom, and I know it will be me one day, and just the thought is more than i can handle. I dont know how you do it, you deserve to have this time to feel sad,grieve,cry whatever it is. You love you Dad very much that comes thru in your posts, and my heart breaks for you.

I hope that today brings a brighter and happier day for you

Kim

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Hi Katie,

For me, I never have had a choice to grieve or not... when the feeling of sadness hit, I bawled no matter where I was...I couldn't help it. I removed myself physically from any social situation but kept bawling until it was overwith. Each time, it seemed to take another little chunk out of the huge mass that I carried in my heart..

Gotta let it out sometimes....., Katie.

Cindi o'h

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Katie,

When you feel like crying, you should cry. It may be for just a few minutes, or it may be for a few hours. I've been told that you can't escape grief; if you put it off, it only resurfaces later on in some other form. There is no shame in crying, that i've learned. I used to be embarrassed about crying on the way home from work on the train. Going home to a house where my daughter should have been, but isn't, still continues to be a very hard thing for me. But I cry, get it over with and move on. And yes, it could very well be the time of year contributing to all the sadness we feel. My frief counselor, who by the way has been very helpful to both of us, stresses feeling the emotions rather than putting on a happy face. For many years, because of my background, I was trained to be a people pleaser and put on a happy face. That doesn't work when you're heart is broken. If it is any comfort at all, I try to image that my daughter wouldn't want me to be so sad, and neither would your Dad. And don't force yourself to do anything you truly don't want to do. Try and take it one step at a time.

Joanie

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Katie,

I'm with Cindi. You need to set aside some time now, while the waves are washing over you, to deal with it. Lock yourself in the bathroom and let 'er go....(just be sure you have a roll of Charmin and not some fine-grain sand paper on a roll).

You are fighting a losing battle to be "in control" of your grief. It's bigger than you are...fight it like firefighters "control" the big blazes - with a planned burn to get rid of the fuel.

Let the waves wash over you and cry....and cry....and cry. You will feel better after you give your heart some breathing room, I promise.

xxoo,

Becky

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After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden, they hid and wore fig leaves. And God said to them, "Who told you that you were naked?" Because the sin wasn't in being naked but in being ashamed of being naked.

It is okay for you not to be in control. You are complete and whole and made by God just as you are, grief and all. There is no shame in grieving, only in the belief you are not supposed to anymore. So be naked, and don't listen to anyone who tells you you shouldn't be.

Curtis

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Dear Katie,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm really very sorry, I don't know what else to say, except that I will keep you in prayer. Maybe a few extra hugs from that "future heartbreaker" son of yours will help? They always help me.

Please take care of yourself.

Love,

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I can honestly say Ditto to everything you said, and feel. Its an empty hole that I keep trying to fill in, only it keeps draining out the bottom. It will never be the same or great again, just accepted some day I guess. Wow this holiday is worst than last huh. why is that??

I guess its sinking in now and the business and protection from pain that our brains did for us in the first months is over and its just us dealing with our pain now.

i am so with ya katie.

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Perhaps the cruelest part of grief is the way it sneaks up on you. Before my Dad died, when he was on hospice, I thought I was doing okay until the Cleveland Indians lost the World Series. I bawled. We shared baseball; they were supposed to win because baseball brought us together, because Dad would never see another World Series. I didn't realize this, or think about it, until my defenses were down, doing nothing but watching a baseball game 2500 miles away.

Still, at times, especially at night, I will cry because I miss him. Because he suffered. Because there was so much I could have learned from him that I didn't. And a million other reasons.

So, cry, Katie, and remember him. - Peace, Teresa

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Thank you everyone.

First, I wanted to say to Angie...don't ever feel sorry for posting how you feel....I connected with your post so deeply and it made me aware of the grief I still have that lies on the very surface of my everyday life. So thank you, and keep posting EXACTLY how you feel always, every bit of it. We are here to help each other!

I guess I feel guilty about my grief/pain. ... because I am not the widow/he was not my spouse.........because my father was 64 (still too young) but NOT 50 or 45 or even 30! Because I had him for 30 years while others didn't get a chance to have their loved one for very long.......

I don't know.! I feel like I shouldn't be hurting like I do sometimes so I run from it and turn myself inward and work work work and try to forget.

I know I hurt because I loved him so much.

The grief, the guilt over the grief...all of it confuses me, which is why I deny my grief most of the time. It's creeping in to get me now and then...but I guess I just need to remain more focused on other things.

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. I love your kind hearts.

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Oh Katie,

You know you hit the nail right on the head..I was thinking of posting just about the same thing you just did..I can say I have been asking myself the same questions lately because the pain gets overwhelming at times..

I think you pretty much answered your own questions..

It is because of the holidays, it is because you're home more and I also think it is because you're with your mom more...When I am with my mom all I think about is " where is dad he is suppose to be here with you" they were always always together..I hate to admit it but my mom brings me down...

I think without our dads there is such a void..Who is ever going to look at us the way they did, I always felt love coming from my dads eyes he never even had to say anything, I know you had that with your dad too...Its hard Katie I know..

I did cry on Thanksgiving, I just kept seeing my dad carving the turkey, and his hand sort of waving back and forth becase the turkey was too hot to carve.. I did feel better after I cried...SOOO many memories...

Maybe you have kept yourself too busy, too busy to grieve it makes sense to me...You really have to do what is good for Katie now...Your right he wasnt your spouse however he was the first man you ever loved, your hero, your Dad and you have every right to be sad for as long as it takes...XO

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Katie,

My heart goes out to you. I cannot even attempt to say I know how you feel as I have not yet gone through what you have been through.

What I can say is that I often lose it for no reason over fear of what may happen to my mom, so if I am losing it now for no reason and have sad depressed days, it is logical that is is a zillion billion times harder on you and that you are going to have your days.

Send you cyber hugs

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((Katie)),

"I know I hurt because I loved him so much." He loved you too and you will pass all that love you shared on to your children, family, friends and everyone here will also benefit from what you shared with your dad.

You sadness is NORMAL. I cry over so many posts here that sometimes I just have to shut off the 'puter. I FEEL so old sometimes because SO MANY close family members in my life have passed on and I still grieve and miss them and still cry sometimes because they are not HERE, I and feel lonely and wish I could have them with me, but I do cherish ALL memories and the love for them that is still in my heart (sister-in-law, my husband's twin brother, my mother, my father, my brother, my husband's mother, who I was so much closer to than my own mother).

There are many phases to grief. Crying is OKAY ~ it is OKAY for no reason, except that you LOVED and had a special relationship. I am sure you also have memories that make you smile and laugh and feel good just remembering special times you shared with your dad. Holidays are especially tough. I am sure you will be making new memories that your children will forever treasure.

Peace and love to you and your family,

DonnaB

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Katie, I am sorry to hear your having a bad (bummer-I call them) day.I don't think feelings like your having ever go away.(no matter how much time goes by).With all that you and Rick do for this site I'm sure it gets overwhelming at times.Mabe you do need more time for yourself,or at least a short LCSC getaway for awhile.I don't feel the grieving process ever goes away but I do think that over time it gets easier to handle.Hoping & praying that tomorrow brings a much better day for you.

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Katie, your post made me think of my own kids. Their father is 65 (born in 1938) and they (5 of them) all adore him. They come home as often as they can now to be with him and I can see how they love him. I do not look forward to the time when they may go through what you are now going through. This is really tough, isn't it.

Cyndy[/b]

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Katie,

I can sure identify, but I'm one of those people that avoids the tears when I feel them coming on. I just won't let myself think about my dad being gone. I won't let myself think about his horrible 6 months or his final days. I can't stand to think about it. When I feel it coming on, I just quickly change my thoughts to something else.

My husband is planning a weekend trip to visit our son in Arizona on the 10th, so I think I'm going to plan my breakdown ahead of time and just let it go. I think I'll visit his grave and just grieve all weekend when I can cry and not worry about anybody else being around.

We are all daddy's little girls, and I guess it's best that it happens this way, because I don't know if my dad could have handled it if things had been reversed and I went first. Ya know? I shudder to think of how grief stricken he would have been. Something to think about, huh?

All my love and hugs to you, Katie!

Love,

Peggy

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((((Katie))))) I can honestly say, I feel EXACTLY the way you do. EXACTLY. My dad will be gone one year on March 21 and those days when I feel absolutely devastated are just awful. I don't know how to live the rest of my life without my Dad. And I had a friend tell me the other day that I should be over all this after the first year. I told her, you watch your father die and then tell me how it feels. That shut her up. People just really don't get it. Don't they know that I beat myself up over feeling so depressed about all of this and that I don't want to feel this way. But I do. I do, I do, I do and I can't say when or if it will ever stop. I look at my daughter and grieve for her too and I grieve for the time that my father was robbed of with his only grandchild, the love of his life. The whole thing just sucks and my dear, sweet, gentle, loving father is dead. I'll never accept it.

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Katie, I'm another daddy's girl. I lost my dad in 1975 -- almost 29 years. I still miss him. There are times I wish I could pick up the phone and call him or run by and see him to ask him something. He was a doctor -- what he called a "horse & buggy" doctor -- in a really small town. He made house calls and delivered babies in the back of his clinic.

When I was little, if someone went into labor in the middle of the night, rather than call the nurse out, my mother would go with him to help. They'd haul me out of bed, take me with them, and put me to bed in the back room. The next morning, my mother would wake me up and I'd get to see the baby -- loved that part! :)

I remember standing at the door watching for him to round the corner as he walked home for lunch, then running to meet him and walking the last part of the way with him. I remember how very smart he was, because he had an insatiable appetite for knowledge and learning.

He's probably at least 80% of the reason I'm so picky about doctors today, because he was a really GOOD one. He had quite a reputation around that little town for being an excellent diagnostician - and all that before CT or PET scans.

I believe that to not feel and think all these things is to not honor our loved ones. The depth of feeling I had for my dad is still there -- just not on the surface like it used to be. The time passes, but my affection for him -- warts and all -- remains. It always will.

The only thing I'd suggest is to do what it appears you are already doing -- feel what you're feeling, acknowledge it, discuss it, etc. It will all fall into place one of these days.

Di

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Sweet Katie-

My heart goes out to you. There is no magic amount of time that will help, and the pain will come and go and probably always be with you to some extent. You and your dad were blessed to have each other and to have had such a rich relationship. Your love continues to manifest itself. Take care of yourself and give yourself permission to continue grieving.

Sending loving thoughts your way.

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Hi Katie,

I am new to the board but had to respond to your post. I lost my mom to lung cancer 9 1/2 years ago. She was 41 and I was 23. I remember it like it was yesterday. I regularly have days when I am just sad. There is no specific reason. The holidays definitely make it a little worse. I also have that pain in my heart. I still sometimes actually pick up the phone to call her and then ask myself what the he-- I am doing. I don't know what's normal and what's not normal but every person grieves in therir own way in their time. When I lost my mom I felt my grandmother was the only one who was honest with me and told me it had been 25 yrs since she lost her mom and she still felt like her right arm was missing. I honestly don't feel time has made it"better" just different. My daughter was 2 when she lost her grandma, We still look at pics and talk about her alot and every so often get the signs that she is still with us watching over us. Jeez, hope I don't seem more depressing Katie just wanted to share my own experience. Take Care.

Lisa/32/CT

lung nodules/awaiting next ct scan

Lost mom to lung cancer 7/95

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Katie,

I lost Ada soon after you lost your Dad. Second time around for Christmas without her. I get the same type of feelings you do. Even though my schedule at work is crazy and I don't seem to have enough hours in the day - I sometimes get stopped in my tracks with an overwelming feeling of sadness. When this happens, I just go with it... and take time to just think of her. I usually start to feel better and the sadness goes away. I guess it's different for everybody - I have accepted that I can't change things and that a certain amount of sadness will always be there. There is the conflict of not wanting time to take her further into the past and yet knowing that you must move on with your life. I'm not sure how I or you or anyone resolves that - or if I am even making any sense. Maybe the major accomplishment has to be that we know and accept that there will always be times when someting will trigger those memories and all the feelings that go with them. Anyhow, I guess I just felt a little like talking tonight - you seem to have a wonderful family, a big heart and tons of support - a formula for happiness.

Jim

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