what if I'm next?

[kim]

Hi everyone,

I have been having these sudden, I don't know what to can them, feelings about what if I'm the next one in the family to get this sh**! Sometimes I even begin to shake! I have never smoked in my life,(as if that matters!), but I have been exposed for at least half of it. I know I can't live my life worrying about this, but sometimes it's stronger than me, and then I start thinking about my mom and it snow balls from there. If insurance would pay for it, I would go and get a total body MRI just for the peace of mind! I think my husband is right, it's time for drugs! I'm not going crazy or anything, but I think I need something to take the edge off my emotions. For crying out loud, I started balling like a baby in the car listening to Clay Aiken sing Mary Did You Know?! My poor kids and husband have been feeling my rath a lot lately too. I can't seem to say much without snapping at them, and then I feel so bad about it I want to start crying again. The only time I'm okay is at work, where I can put all my energy into my patients, and not into worrying about me and my disfunctional self! I know that the holidays have a lot to do with my feelings, but damn it, I'm suppost to be happy, and excited about the season. Mom would have wanted us to be happy!

It all probably boils down to the fact that I miss her so much! See! I can't even hold back the tears long enough to type one sentence!! I feel like everyone in my family feels like I'm the one who keeps it all together for everyone else. Does that make any sense? Oh, I'll stop blabbering now! I just needed to vent, I guess.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. I'll be up to my neck in keeping the boys out of stuff !!!

God Bless,

[Andrea]

Kim, we all feel the paranoia that what if we are next, some more than others. I am one of the extreme neurotics, others are more sane but share the same fears

Let me tell you a story--I had a cough that started Nov 16. I demanded a chest xray by Nov 19. Doctor thought I was nuts. Still coughign really bad, major chest pain--like ow!!! Went back to urgent care this past Sun and this time I did not ask, but they decided to do another chest xray to make sure it was not pnemonia. Sure enough, neurotic me was shaking again until I heard the all clear. Guess what, yesterday I got some steroids and asthma medicine and it stopped

Point is, I am 32, never smoked, and share the same fears as you. You are not alone! And my husband too also thinks it is time for something for me

[kim]

Andrea,

Just called my family doc about getting some Lexapro started. I will let you know how it helps! Glad to know I'm not the only one who has these feelings, but sad that anyone does feel the way I do. Hang in there!

[Don Wood]

Kim, you have just demonstrated something I have been telling people I work with as support -- cancer is a family disease -- it 3effects everyone -- but is especially effects children of the patient because they get a double whammy -- (1) they fear the loss of the beloved parent and (2) they wonder what that means for their own future gene wise. It is normal what you are going through. Try to relax and not play too much of "what if". Remember that, with time, prevention and treatments get better and better/ Blessings. Don

[cathy]

Kim,

Do I know exactly what you are talking about..I have told my husband numerous times that I think I have lung cancer, I really think I do, half of me thinks it is the paranoia and the other half really worries about it on a daily basis..I feel destined to get it, I just hope its me and not passed on to my children

[SDianneB]

Kim, I watched my dad have a near fatal heart attack when I was small, then my mother had one and had a stent placement about 6 years ago, then my brother, then my sister. Each time, they barely got care in time. I wondered and waited myself -- waited for my turn with the heart problems, and they didn't come. Or at least they haven't come yet.

I got the little family surprise -- cancer. I had to be different.

If nothing else, going through this is teaching me to be more thankful for every day that I can draw a breath, even when it's a wheezy breath! We just don't have guarantees in life -- we can walk out the front door and get hit by a truck, or have a heart attack, or cancer, or live to be 100 and die with a cigar in one hand and a decanter of Jack Daniels in the other.

Take care of yourself -- that's so very important. Feel what you feel, and when those emotions come, just leterrip!

Di

[Treebywater]

I've had the paranoia long before my Mom got her diagnosis. My grandfather passed away from the Colon cancer last year. One uncle passed away from Adrenal cancer when I was in H. School, another dealt with hairy-cell leukemia, and another has beaten lymphoma! Out of my Grandmother's 7 children, 4 have battled or are battling cancer... Not great odds for my generation I'm thinking! Now that it's my mom.... well, it crosses my mind every day. I've had a persistent cough for about 6 weeks now. Seen the doctor twice, and next week at my next appointment I am going to do better at advocating for myself because I'm scared too!

And I can so relate to the emotional aspect that you talked about.... I'm falling apart at all the weirdest moments right now. It sucks. So... well, I guess I'm just glad to know that I must be a little bit normal, since I'm not the only one!