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Off Topic of L/C but Still Grieving.....


Carolsdaughter

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I hesitate to post this because to some it probably seems so inconsequential as opposed to the things, which you are dealing with but to me it's huge. I need some advice from my friends. I am in way to thick to be objective.

First the old news.... My mom passed away on March 20, 2003 from L/C.

Now my issue of pain, grief and concern (stomach in knots type of thing).

At my mom's funeral two ladies stood out beyond all other attendees. My only brother and his wife and myself and my husband commented on them and their motive. One of them mentioned to my dad that she had recently lost her husband 6 mo. ago then the look she gave my dad made me ill. It was like that of a hungry wolf that had just trapped a meal. I told my husband that I was bugged by her being there. I later ask my dad about them he told me that he had not seen them your about 20 years and that he used to work with them. About three weeks ago I had told him that when the time was right he should see someone that we (my bro. and I ) didn't want him to be alone forever etc. I did tell him that if he did end up with someone it was important to me that it was someone who respected mom's memory, and he agreed.

About 2 weeks ago he told me that he had seen the Hungry Wolf a few times and that she had contacted him to go to lunch etc. I was like oh that's nice and I asked a few basic questions about her. I was a wreck on the inside feeling I saw the writing on the wall the day of my mom's funeral.

Last night I had a friend from out of town and I wanted her to meet my wonderful dad. Just as we were beginning to turn into the drive way I said STOP! There was a car there that I didn't recognize. Something told me don't go there it is her. We sat there in the middle of the road as I had an internal battle with my self. I told my friend to drive on. When we got to my house a few hours later my husband said that he has taken our four-wheeler back to dads house where we keep it. It asked him if her had company and he said yes with a look on his face. I said was it her? He said yes. Dad and her had just eaten Steak and lobster, my mom's favorite dinner. I ask where she was sitting and he smiled and I said, not in my mom's chair?!!! He said yes and that he wouldn't have told me if I hadn't asked. My mom was always in the kitchen in her chair cause that was the only place she would smoke. Since she has been gone her chair has usually been taken by my father, which has been fine with me. But THIS woman NO!

I am freaking out. Is this normal? Will I feel this way with everyone who comes into my father’s life? Should I take even more chill pills? Should I just build a bridge and get over it to quote my 14 year old? I have never dealt with these feelings and I do want my dad to find a companion and be happy. I know that nobody will ever replace my mom nor should they try. THIS woman already has disrespected my mom's memory already by coming to her funeral with her "Vulture" motives. I am just sickened by this and I am so glad I didn't walk into that last night. I am happy that I listened to the spirit and told my friend to drive away. Right now, I know that if I meet her again I can't hide my dislike for her. Those who know me will see and my father might be hurt, I don't want that. I am screaming inside. I needed to vent.

Shelly

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Dear Shelly,

When my husband's boss died suddenly many years ago, a number of the men used the funeral to "jocky for position" within the company. One of these guys was made a VP--it was shocking that people would use, what I would consider a sacred time, to their advantage. But I think this happens over and over again.

I think this must be very painful for you to experience. I think what you are feeling is normal. Is there someone you can talk to, perhaps a counselor, about your feelings? The reason I ask is because there will be things ahead that will be challenging for you. With your Mother's passing, comes many changes in your family dynamics. Some of those things will be easier t accept than others I am sure.

One thing I would advise is to keep the lines of communication open with your Father. In a kind way, tell him how you feel about all of this. Right now, he's found someone who shares something in common with him-the loss of a spouse. He's very sad and lonely and needs to fill the spaces in his life with good things. Keep him busy with family activities.

I am thinking of you. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Ada

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I think Ada's advice was best said. As the "daughter" I would be freaking out too. You are reacting normally to this situation as your mom has only been gone a few months! GEEZE! I think you showed great restraint and composure the other night - as I have a temper that flies and would have barged in there with consequences to pay for later (MY bad- there)

So Ada is right! Try to talk with your dad before your emotions boil over - be honest, be real and let him know what you are feeling before things get serious with the "VULTURE" Once things get serious, your dad is less likely to understand where you are coming from.

He could just need a break from the situation he (and all of you) have dealt with over the last year+, and this woman is someone on "the outside" and could represent some normalcy to him.

Hang in there. We're all praying for you.

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Just read your post and it made me shudder. My mom died over 20 years ago but I can see nothing has changed. My dad was a very handsome man and had his own business in our town for over 50 years, he knew everyone and was quite well off. Of course the vultures started swarming before the coffin was closed. What really shocked me was one of my mothers own sisters who was a widow who was after him! ! He asked me shortly after mom died if it was okay for him to start seeing some ladies for dinner, etc, I was totally shocked and thought it was very strange. I told him it was too soon but he did not listen to me.

He was introduced to a "charming widow" about two months after mom died by mutual "friends" and invited her to a dance held by own of the civic groups he belonged to. He fell "head over heels" for this gold digger right away and they married two months later in a big church wedding, four months after mom's funeral in the same church, it was humuliating, a disgrace to all of his family but we could not stop him. She was no kid, about the same age as him but never had the kind of money that he had and I know she saw Dollar signs when she looked at him.

Before he told me about the impending nuptials he was acting very strangely, making weird statements, etc, I called his doctor and told him everything and he said there was nothing I could do about it unless he was a danger to himself or others. To make a long story short he was in the early stages of Alzheimers disease and we did not know it, just thought it was grief from mom's passing, being alone after 46 years, etc.

Approx. one year after the wedding she put him in a nursing home only AFTER she had all his property and assets transferred to her. I got a call from the owner of the nursing home after he was there about six months telling me that she had a sheriff serve my dad with divorce papers at the nursing home because that way she would not have to pay the nursing home bills and he would have to go on state assistance. I put a stop to that plan, I hired a team of lawyers, investigators, accountants, etc, all at her expense and dragged her through the courts for three years. I made sure there were sufficient funds put aside for my dad's care for a very long time plus funeral expenses, etc and she ended up owing me money after all was said and done.

In hindsight I wish I had kept closer tabs on the situation but never in my wildest dreams would have thought it would have turned out the way it did. This woman has since had two more husbands since she divorced my dad and she is still living! One died six months after he married her, very suddenly and the next one she also put in a nursing home and did the divorce thing.

My advice to you would be to keep very close tabs on the situation, I would keep in close contact with him, DAILY contact. Find out everything you can about this woman and tell him if there is anything negative in her past. I know that sounds terrible but it would be in his best interest if you did. A lot of these merry widows are desperate women who prey on new widowers and dig their claws in and are hard to get rid of. I am sure he enjoys the attention he is getting from her right now. Try to keep him occupied with family get togethers, etc, anything to keep him busy. God luck.

Bess B

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Shell,

just my perspective...

My dad died when I was 9. Mom met a man a little over a year later and married him before 2 years passed. I know this is allot longer than your situation and I completely understand your feelings. I had them all. It would not have mattered to me if 50 years had passed. I did not want my mom to be with someone else because I was sure she would have or did already forget about my dad. I was as mean a kid as I could be to my step dad. I showed him no respect and only spoke to him when it suited me.

Today 23 years later I thank god that my mom was not alone all the years I was away and that someone is there for her when she needs attention and companionship. Granted we still have a moment here and there where I dont think he is doing all I would be doing, but he is not me.

my point is. its not gonna matter how much time passes for you. Your grief is a real thing and your moms death is too painful still. I think you should take some time for yourself. It would do no good to argue with or upset your dad. He is himself grieving and if maybe for one moment this lady lets him vent about loosing a spouse because she experianced it let him. Its like this board with us....we need to talk to people who are going through the same things. It just helps to let it out. Maybe thats all your dad is doing.

NOW I say this with the caution that if things go further or faster then by all means talk to your dad and make sure cautions are taken for his welfare if you think they should be. I hate to say it but here it is. Financially I mean. Jeez I hated typing that it makes me sound horrible.

But it is what it is and there are people out there who are heartless and dont really care about people just material posessions.

so there are my 2 cents and you can always pm me on this. I have been living this same thing for 23 years now.

your friend always

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I tried to go to dad's house twice yesterday once in the afternoon and once in the evening. Her car was parked in front so I drove on. I had decided to take your advice and talk with my dad but not with her there. I called my dad this morning and went to his house.

We had a great talk. I told him that these were my feeling and that we didn't need to do anything to fix it. I told him that I would like to meet her for the first time on Thank you so much my friends for responding to my post.

neutral ground, like a restaurant. For sure not in my mom's home are in her motor home. I do realize that the home is my dads along with the motor home but with the feelings I already have it's too much to deal with.

I told my dad that he should date many people before making a commitment. He said that it is hard to find eligible women. I suggested that AARP was has a tri- athathon. We both laughed and he said that that would be like a dating service. I said hey, how about trying that?! He laughed and shook his head and said noooooo, that's not for me. I said well at least dad I haven't suggested the singles ward (church group) we both really laughed to that one.

So I am placing an ad for dear ol dad. He's 67, good looking, smart, has a great daughter...........LOL Just kidding! But really does anyone have any suggestions where someone of his qualities would go to meet nice single people?

Thanks again my friends for your support in this potentionally life changing matter. Your support means more to me then words can say.

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) Shelly

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Guest canuckwebgrrl

Shelly,

I think I read your post with my mouth hanging open the whole time. I had no idea such people :twisted: existed, although now I think maybe I just haven't lived long enough to meet anyone so unbelievably selfish. I think your 'hungry wolf' is an older version of my fathers current wife... keep your eye on this one.

Bess B,

Call me naive, but this is a horrible awakening! :shock: My dad's wife #3 is bad enough, but gold-digging by marrying a widow (newly especially) is a whole new low. My stomach really felt sick reading your post. All I can say is I hope others will learn from your story, and be inspired by your super-daughter-dom, I certainly am!!! Thanks for the warning.

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