I Miss My Father So Much, I Could Just Curl Up And Die!!

[KC]

Just finished watching the home movies of when I was pregnant and the birth of my daughter and the first few months of her life. God, my entire family and I were never so happy as we were then and I haven't been since. It all didn't last very long as when my daughter was just 5 months old, my father was diagnosed with Lung Cancer!! It all came crashing down around us. Why, why did our blissful happiness have to only last such a short time. Never, never in our entire lives were we so happy, I know this is true and when I watch the movies I see it for sure. Why did our lives crumble all around us??? I still can't get myself together. I look horrible, I feel horrible and I'm not the same person I was. I'm miserable and now the inside of me matches the outside! I'm rock bottom and I know I'll never get that blissful, happy feeling back ever again. We were FINALLY happy, I was FINALLY happy, I had everything I ever wanted and it was short-lived. Now, I'm trying to live out my father's wish, just to make sure my daughter has a happy life, make sure she's happy. I try my best, I give her everything she needs, but how can she really have a happy life when her mother is so very very sad and unhappy? I know I'm the only one who can help myself. I feel so alone, I miss my father so much. Those movies just kill me. For the moment I'm watching, it's like he's still here, he just right there I can almost touch him. But he's not. He was so young, he was supposed to enjoy being a Grandpa and his retirement and he deserved to and he got robbed. We all got robbed. I keep buying things and spending money and eating, trying to fill the void. My father and I, we were so close, he kept me calm and grounded. And I just left him in the hospital that last night, knowing he was going to die, because I was a coward and couldn't watch. I just couldn't watch him take his last breath and now I have to live with the fact that I left him like a dog to die alone! I'll never get over it or the guilt! Why did I have to be such a coward? He was so brave and I couldn't even stay there with him. How did this happen!!!!

[Fay]

KC,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now. I don't know what to say to ease your discomfort. I hope you have someone you can talk to. It may help if you go back and read your post and all the sage replies from March 31 (Am I The Only One Who Didn't Stay Till The End?) There are some very wise and comforting replies there.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Faylene

[KC]

Thank you so much Faylene. Yes, I should go back and read those replies and I will. No, unfortunately, I really do not have any one that I can talk to about it. I had a very good friend tell me last week that I should be feeling better about it all after the first year when she asked me why I was depressed. I told her to watch her father die and then tell me how she feels. I had a therapist, but no longer, who I tried to tell of my guilt about not staying till the end and she basically told me that to linger in those feelings was useless. It's over and I can't go back and change it. I know I can't, and some days I am fine and then other's the guilt just floods me again. I'm sorry for unloading here, I have no where else to turn really. Thank you and bless you.

[stand4hope]

KC,

Your post sounds very desperate and I am very worried about you. I think you should get a new therapist as soon as possible. If a year has passed and you are still feeling this badly, you need to find someone that can really help you through this. The first therapist is right, you should be moving on, but you aren't, so that's why you needed a therapist. It just doesn't sound like he/she was getting the picture.

I know nothing about grief counseling and won't even try to say any special words to comfort you because I don't know what they would be. I lost my dad in June, and he and I were also very close. I not only watched him take his last breath, but I was the one to tell them to take him off life support. I know how hard it is. It's not easy at all, but the description of how you are still feeling today strongly indicates to me that you need additional help. Your daughter could also eventually be adversely affected by your feelings if you don't get well soon.

I hope you will contact someone tomorrow, and also think about finding a local church with counselors who can help you through the spiritual side of healing.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't feel the way you do. I've always said that whatever somebody feels is what they feel. Whether you should or should not feel that way is not the issue. The issue is you have those feelings, they are strong, they are consistent, they are debilitating, they are very real, and they could be dangerous.

As soon as I hit the Submit button, I am bowing my head and asking God to lead you to, or for Him to send to you, the counselor/pastor/friend, or whoever it is He has prepared, in advance, to help you.

All my love, and God bless you, KC.

Peggy

[paddy]

Dear KC,

I too am in deep mourning. I find myself saying all the "should of's" "would ofs" and "could ofs",but it really is no good to go back there, nothing can be changed. You, (and I,) must try to forget the bad things and remember all the good times that we spent together with our loved ones.Your Dad would not want you to be so distraught.

I found a poem by Ellen Terry which I thought might help you.

Think of me as with the dawn into dimness,

Yours still, you mine.

Remember the best of our past moments,

And forget the rest,

So, to where I wait, come gently on.

Lots of love and prayers for you,

from Paddy

[KC]

Thank you Peggy. Thank you Paddy. I am trying. I appreciate your kindness and caring. Paddy, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I will keep you in my prayers during the difficult days ahead.

[berisa]

i also have the same problem as you but one different is, while I watch those video tapes that I recorded, I am so happy and so thankful that I did it as I am now just 31 years old, I have at least 30 years ahead without my dad. I can't assure myself that all pictures and memories in my mind are clear forever till the end of my days, so I am so happy and glad that I recorded all these precious memories that I had with my dear dad. I know when I am old and my memories gradually fade away, I still have those tapes......

I believe our days are never be the same as we lost our dear dad. For me, losing my dad same as losing family coz he represents "family". I had special connection with me among all family members.

[Pamela]

KC,

I wish with all my heart I could help you. I was not there when my father died in August of this year, partly because I live 1,000 miles away and partly because I did not believe he could really die. After all, Dad was strong, he had been around my whole life, and I couldn't imagine him actually, truly, irrevocably dying. Not my father. My head knew he was dying, but my heart kept saying, "no way."

I believe that guilt is the most terrible and destruction of all the emotions of grief. Try very hard to see yourself through your father's eyes. He loved you. If he had thought that watching him die would tear you apart, would he have asked you to stay? No, he wouldn't. If he is watching you from across the chasm today, would he be concerned that you didn't stay to the end, or would he be worried sick about how his death has affected you? I think he would be devastated to know he has caused such desperation and guilt. He would not want that for you. Life is so short, as his death proves, and any father would want his daughter to find peace and joy.

I don't know your father, but I am a parent, and so are you. If you were the one dying and your daughter did exactly what you did, what would you want for her? Would she even have to ask for forgiveness?

KC, please be kind to yourself. Your life matters. Your health matters. You are a valuable person. You are a kind and compassionate woman, so give some of that kindness and compassion to yourself. You deserve it!

Pam

[Snowflake]

Karen,

I hope you are beginning to take some baby steps toward healing. First and foremost, stop picking the scab! (ewwww...bad visual). Right now, if watching the videos, looking at pictures and being reminded of the pain is too much, DON'T DO THAT! Find a BandAid to cover up the wound for a bit so it will start to heal.

If you can't snap out of it and it's still debilitating after a year, you really should find a therapist that you can talk to. Talk to your family doctor for a referral and about "chemistry" to help you through the dark times.

You need to take care of yourself (and everything else I put in the PM...)

xxoo,

Becky

[KC]

Thank you Pam for your wonderful words of wisdom. They mean alot to me and I do take them to heart. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. You are right, my father would be devastated to know that I am in such bad shape right now. He always tried to protect me from everything. He never wanted his pain to affect me. Great father's are truly a gift. And, Becky, thank you so much for caring and thinking of me. Yes, I am taking those baby steps. You and the others words have helped me a great deal in the past couple of days. I think about what you and others have said to me every day, and it is helping. I am trying to be kind to myself and forgiving. My daughter loves to watch those movies and asks for them all the time. I want her to remember my father, so I would never tell her no. I feel bad letting her sit there by herself watching them, so I try sometimes. Most times though, I do not watch. I know that I am not ready for them. When those dark thoughts start to creep in and the guilty thoughts, I find myself thinking of what you all have said and I want you all to know that it means the world to me. I wish everyone here only the best. What a wonderful group of people. It's too bad we all came together under these circumstances.