out of balance

[kimblanchard]

I had the requisite couple of dates with Sheila, and that is over. She sent an e-mail to me that made it official, but there was no emotional connection. She complained that I talked about Becky too much and that I wasn't ready for another relationship. Maybe she is right, but I don't think so. She asked me a lot of questions about the past, and I can't tell stories about the past that don't include her. And I am not in the business of editing her. Our first date was the day after we put up the tree, and she asked me how that had gone. And I answered her truthfully, which was to say that putting up a Christmas tree with a four year old is fun, no matter what else is happening. Katie's enthusiasm carried me through the bitter-sweetness of the event. But that at the same time, all of the ornaments were our ornaments, some of them we had made by hand, and it was impossible to hang them without thinking of the years of hanging them together.

I guess she is not used to that type of honesty or emotion, and at first I thought I should have just given banal answers to the questions. But the bottom line is that someone who doesn't want that is not going to be the one for me anyway. I am disappointed in myself. As I look back over her e-mails and the correspondence on e-harmony, I should have seen she was not the right one. But I was distracted by the fact that she is good-looking. And attracted to her playful correspondence that was suggestive and teasing. And so what I really wanted was a physical relationship with her even when it should have been clear there was no emotional relationship to be had. That is not worthy of me. But it does indicate how far out of balance my life has become the last six weeks or so in particular. I don't know how to get it back. When Alisa and I stopped dating, it was clear that I wanted to be friends because I have such respect and admiration for her, and that I want her example as a mom and as a friend regardless. I am just sad that I didn't see that difference sooner.

Maybe I need to take a break from dating for a while to rekindle that balance. But I have no idea what to do to get the balance back. Oh well, I have a therapy session on Tuesday. Maybe Melissa can tell me what to do.

Tonight, Katie and I are headed over to Faith's house - her best friend at day care. Faith's mom invited us over for pizza. Hopefully it will lead to some playdates in the future, too.

Curtis

[kimblanchard]

deleting all posts

[Andrea]

Curtis,

You don't sound out of balanced to me at all. You sound IN BALANCE and you can see and know what you need emotionally and what you don't.

Dating is tough for the avreage person and you have other circumstances, so it makes it harder for you. I am VERY in awe at how in tune you are with your feeings, most men are not like that.

I hopp you keep it up, keep getting your feet wet, this is a great experience for you.

[Laura Ann]

Hey Curtis,

Only you know if you are ready for a relationship. Since this is an open forum and I am assuming you are open to opinions I would suggest that you not introduce your daughter to any women you are "casually" dating. Children tend to form quick attachments and don't understand when things don't work out. If and when you find a "keeper" that would be the time for them to meet. Hope you don't take this the wrong way..... just my opinion.

Laura

[Snowflake]

Curtis,

First, I agree with Laura Ann on introductions to Katie. She's already had enough upheaval in her young life, I think she needs time with her daddy and female family members, not a substitute mommy who may or may not be in her life longterm. That's not fair to her.

...and maybe, if you truly spend that much time on a date discussing Becky, you AREN'T ready to date yet. Maybe what you need right now is just a sympathetic ear attached to a shoulder to cry on, not a ready-made wife just waiting for a ring. Relationships take time to build, you cannot expect the end result without putting in the work. That's not the way it goes.

I think part of your problem with balance is that you are currently very married to Becky. Dating is out of balance for married people. In my opinion, you seem to be letting your dates know of the wife in your heart and expecting them to basically play second fiddle - yet, you want their full attention and devotion.

Becky is not your ex-wife, as Christine points out. It was not a relationship that was ended by choice on either side. Andrea points out that you are in touch with your feelings, but I think you are hiding from some really big ones. Hopefully, Melissa can draw those feelings out and you can deal with them a session at a time.

Although you point out that you are ready for love again, I think you have some healing to do before you will be able to love anyone as much as you love (present tense) Becky. There are some feelings you need to come to terms with before you can have an open and honest relationship with anyone else. God knows, it's tough enough to deal with ex-spouses in a relationship, living with the ghost of a beloved spouse has to be a type of hell for everyone involved. This would be a relationship that would take extra work - not an impossible relationship, but one that has to be tuned when the notes just don't seem right.

Take your time, Curtis. There is no rush. Find out who YOU are before trying to involve anyone else. You need to be comfortable in your own skin before you can expect to be comfortable with anyone else. You have spent years being half of a couple, the dynamics have changed and you need to re-evaluate who you are and what you are looking for at this stage of your life.

As always, I wish you love.

xxoo,

Becky

[kimblanchard]

I think you are all wrong. At least in part.

I think the first part of getting back into balance is realizing how far off I have been the last couple of weeks. That doesn't change the fact that I have been out, just that I am hoping to get back on the beam.

The reason I was offended by the comment Sheila made is that I do not think I talked too much about Becky. If anything, I talked about her less than I did with Alisa or Shawna, with whom the relationships were very healthy. Most of the time, it was in response to direct questions.

Part of being in balance for me is recognizing that I can live in a way that has affection for my date but that is in honor of Becky. Things that I recognize I did well, and that I wish I had done better. Including being more expressive of my emotions and affection. I don't ask anybody to play second fiddle except to Katie.

And Katie hasn't meant anyone but Alisa, and that only because she is Katie's Sunday school teacher. I may be flippant with my heart, but not with Katie's.

And there is a rush. This time is short. I don't want to waste another day.

Curtis

[Andrea]

Curtis,

The thing I learned the most from on line dating is that even if you think you know the person really well from e-mails, you never fully know about them until you meet. Shelia just wasn't right--try not to take much offense by her statement because really, what do you know about her? I mean is she someone that you totally respect the opinion of and know really well? Probably not For Shelia mentioning Becky once might have been more than she could handle, so she is not right.

Oh those on line dating days. I met my ex boyfriend who I dated for 2 years on line. And before him I did LOTS of dating from on line (I was hookded on JDATE) and some people who sounded great, just weren't, and vice versa.

And then there is Brian my husband--met him on JDATE too. With Brian, I didn't think there would be a connection from the e-mails. But I went out with him for a "practice date". That was the BEST thing I ever did.

[kimblanchard]

Curtis, we all care about you and your needs, we can only offer our feelings and our observations. You acted very quickly and defensively to the comments of others.

Having followed your progression, my take is: "You are in too much of a Hurry"

Slow down and let nature take its course, don't force it.

We care

jim

[kimblanchard]

Hi, Curtis, sorry you have had another disappointment. The therapist is probably the best idea, someone in person you can bounce ideas and feelings with.

Just a thought - it could be that you are trying too hard to fill a void in your life. Maybe it would be better to just kick back and be you for a while and let things happen as they will. Kind of - less proactive. Grow in what is. And when it is the right time, the right things will happen.

Best wishes to you, Margaret

[Ry]

Who knows what it is that makes things "click" between two people. It always seems it is the person you least expect that turns out to be the one. If you keep your heart open and keep searching one day she will be just be there at the right time.

[J.C.]

Curtis,

To me you go out on a shopping trip, you absolutely

wants to bring something home each time, perhaps it would be better

to look, consider and make up your mind after you see a few

different girls.

Don't care if you think I'm wrong, that is the way it looks so far.

J.C.

[Andrea]

Ry said exactly what I wanted to say/was trying to say in a more eloquent way

[kimmek]

Curtis

My heart breaks for your lonelyness,and so wish i had a magic potion for you. The old saying "once you stop looking for something, you will find it" might have some meaning here. Have faith that you will find the perfect one for you and Katie both.

Kim

[kimblanchard]

I surely didn't mean to imply that I didn't approve of the comments. They have all made me think, and even if they are wrong they are valuable. And it is not y'all that are wrong, but it is that I didn't say what I wanted to quite right the first time, or the second time, or whatever.

I am not disappointed that it didn't work out with Sheila - what are the odds that any particular relationship will be the one? Surely 1 in 3 or less. What I am disappointed in is that this time I did it in a wrong way. This time I was more aware of my wants than my needs. With the other women I have dated in the last few months, the foundations were at least healthy. I thought, felt, and behaved in a way that would do honor to Becky and to the man our marriage molded me into. And so with each of them, I could see more clearly how to do this. And then I just ignored all of that in the hope of getting laid. And that is disappointing to me.

In my original post, I did say for myself that I think I need to take a break from dating for a while to find some balance. I am in a hurry, and so I need to catch my breath for a while.

Curtis

[kimblanchard]

deleting all posts

[SBeth]

Curtis,

Becky's shoes are going to be very difficult for any woman to fill and NOBODY will ever be able to take her place. I think that it is going to take a very special person to be willing to be a part of your family that will ALWAYS include Becky. Don't sell yourself short, but don't beat yourself up over your physical attractions having the ability to sidetrack you from your expectations. You are right, life is so very short and I don't blame you at all for wanting to be alive and feel alive for every second of it! I think that Katie is in wonderful, capable and loving hands with you and when it is right...you both (all three) will know it.

Love and prayers,

[-Cheryl-]

Curtis,

It sounds as if you miss the intimacy you and Becky shared. If it were just a sex thing, you could take care of that yourself, or hire a prostitute. It sounds also as if Shelia got scared and ran. Nobody wants to be a replacement.

I know you are lonely. Despite Becky's illness, she fulfilled your's and Katie's emotional needs. When you say you just want a physical relationship right now, that is emotionally unfulfilling, I find that hard to believe. You have been through so much this past year. Some people have great difficulty separating themselves emotionally from the act of sex. You are a sensitive guy, and might fall into that category. Empty sex makes one feel void, used, and often guilty. My heart aches for you. Sometimes you got kiss a lot of toads before you find a princess! God will find the right mate for you, when you are ready. Don't be side tracked by appearances. Relationships fulfill different needs. Are you lonely, do you want someone intelligent, your equal, attractive and sexy, a tophy wife, a good mother to katie? Don't see what you want to see. Nobody will meet all our needs. Figure out which ones are most important, and start from there.

Cheryl

[kimblanchard]

I don't think I would say I want a physical relationship without an emotional one. That is going too far, I think. But I was tempted enough by the prospect of a physical relationship to overlook the fact that there was nothing there emotionally.

Intellectually I know what I want. But I was sorely tempted by a poor substitute, and I don't know how long it would have taken me to realize what a poor substitute it was. And that is the scary part. And that is why I feel unbalanced. And that is why I am taking a break from dating. Unless Christi is at church tomorrow. I have been meaning to ask her out.

Grinning,

Curtis

[Laura Ann]

And then I just ignored all of that in the hope of getting laid.

That's a little bit more information than I needed.