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Santa's Contract


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Memo from Santa

I regret to inform you that effectively immediately, I (Santa Claus) will

no longer serve any States south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the world my contract was

renegotiated by NAE (North American Elves) local 209. Under the new contract I have less area of responsibility, better pay and longer breaks for milk and cookies.

I'm sure your children will be in good hands with my replacement, Cousin

Bubba Claus. Cousin Bubba's family lives at the South Pole and Bubba is a typical, pro-life, pro-gun, pro-nuke, anti-UN redneck. He does however share my love for children and the drive to deliver presents to all the kids in his area.

There are a few notable differences...

1. There is NO DANGER of the Grinch stealing the toys from Bubba. Bubba has a gun rack on his sleigh, and a bumper sticker that reads "These gifts insured by Smith & Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba prefers that you leave an RC cola

and a Moon Pie on the fireplace for his snack. Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, but he dips a little Skoal so you need to have a spitoon handy.

3. Bubba uses floppy eared coon dogs instead of reindeer to pull the

sleigh. I loaned him a couple of reindeer one year and Blitzens head is now mounted over Bubbas fireplace. These coon dogs are not named Comet, Cupid, Donner or Blitzen so instead you will probably hear Bubba shout "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliot and Petty".

4. Ho, Ho, Ho, has been replaced with Yee Haw, and the elves can be heard saying "jeet yet?", and pondering such age old questions as "If you get married in West Virgina are you still brother and sister?".

5. As required by southern law, Bubbas sleigh will be equipped with a

Yosemite Sam safety triangle with the words "Back Off!!!" prominently displayed. The lead coon hound will be wearing a license plate that proclaims "forget about the dogs, beware of the owner."

6. The usual TV fodder, (Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful

Life) will be replaced with :"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit 4 which features Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into each other.

7. Bubba wears blue jeans without suspenders so don't look when he bends over to place the presents under the tree.

8. This is most important...Bubba will NOT deliver any gifts to any

community that has the unmitigated gall (big words for stupidity) to try and remove the name of JESUS CHRIST from the celebration of CHRISTmas. Bubba knows that Jesus is the reason for the season and that He should be honored not only at Christmas but year round.

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