My first chemo

[Jay]

Well, I had chemo for the first time today. I met some really nice people there, of course they thought I'm too young to go through this, but there is no age for it really. Anyway, I'm very nervous now that I had it, cause I don't know how I'll start feeling... I mean, they've told me a lot of bad things about chemo So I'm not sure what to think. I'll follow your advices though. I'm just scared cause I'm already below my weight and I'm anemic. Well, lets see how it turns out.

Emotionally, I'm very depressed ... and I don't feel comfortable with the therapist I'm seeing right now. I don't feel like telling him things. I would probably be more comfortable with a woman, but I told him so and he said we would try another couple of sessions before sending me to someone else, but... I don't want to go another couple of sessions! I don't want to sound like a crybaby, but that is how I feel. I'm just not comfortable. And of course *sigh* I miss my mum, and I know I'll always miss her. The thing is, my dad seems so distant to me lately, shouldn't it be the opposite? *sigh* I don't know. I don't even know how I feel.

[LindaMRG]

Well, theyre right, you are too young. What kind of lung cancer do you have? How did you find out?

Im so sorry about your mother. Its good you are seeing a therapist. He's right, give it a few more sessions but if not, find someone else. Dont give up on therapy. Its a great step in the right direction. Did you ask your dad why he's distant. Probably dealing with a lot. My husband probably thinks Ive been distant since my father's diagnosis. Its really mostly all I think about and pray about is for my father to get better.

Im looking forward to getting to know you. Everyone here seems to have such a high regard for you!

[Cindy RN]

Jay!

Glad you got thru your first treatment. Just think! All that chemo is already working on those awful cancer cells If you do not want to see that therapist tell them you want a women. I am sure they will accomadate. You keep on trying with your dad. I know at your age and the sickness you want her (your mom) and need her. Right now your dad lost his wife and his son is in chemo. He probably is not sure exactly what to do for you. Just keep talking and tell him your feelings. You are in my prayers. God is there with you.

[Anniemac]

Jay, congratulations on your first chemo--just think of it as the start of really getting rid of your cancer!! Tim didn't have too many problems with it, but in the last few days everything smells and tastes strange to him. It's hard for him to find anything to eat. I just fixed him a milkshake as a bedtime snack. Try to eat whatever sounds good to you. Mac & cheese is another favorite. Anything bland.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad seeming distant. He's just lost the love of his life and the mother of his children...very hard to go through. I know it seems he should reach out to you and your sister, but as you know, sometimes we just want to curl up in a little ball and make the world go away. Just remember you have all of us trying to mother you. You have lots of mothers now.

Keep in touch with us. How is your sister doing?

Annie

[cathyr]

Jay, you may be the most handsome cancer patient as well as one of the youngest. Let's thank God that you've been able to start chemo and are on the road to beating it. At least they can treat your cancer. My prayers are with you every single day. As far as the therapist, I would insist on talking to someone else, preferably a woman. It's your therapy, not his. And dad probably is feeling somewhat guilty right now that he couldn't keep you and your mom safe. I feel really bad for him. I can't imagine losing my spouse and having my son fight for his life with this terrible disease. He needs time, Jay. I just really feel in my heart that he feels so bad about not being able to protect you.

Just know that you have a very big rooting section here. I'm sending out big, big "hugs" to you.

[anita]

Hi Jay!!

My sister had lung cancer at a young age, such as you. She was diagnosed at 18. I have so much hope for you, and I think your body will amaze you with how much it can conquer the cancer and chemo. Adriane (my sister) was given six months to live and she had a wonderful two years. Now she is an angel and I know for a fact that she is by your side at this moment to help you. I believe that you have many miracles in store for you so just try to sit back and relax. My prayers are with you!!!! If you ever have any questions feel free to email me!! PinappleJr@aol.com

With love,

Angela Riddle

[David P]

Hey Jay, It's great to see your smiling face. You make me smile; if I had a son, I'd like him to be just like you. My daughter just graduated from grade 12 this week. Have you figured out where in Canada your family might move to? You know, Victoria, British Columbia is the best place in Canada. You guys should really visit - we'll go for a beer. It's a national holiday up here today. Canada Day it is. Have you figured out I don't really have any advice for you Jay? I didn't have the pleasure of going through chemo or radiation, and your dad will come around, just give him time, and you'll find another therapist. I'm not too worried about you, you'll figure things out. Still praying for you and your family, your friend,

David

[sharyn]

Hi Jay -

Glad your first Chemo is over with.... I would imagine the first one is the hardest because you are not sure how your body will react to it.... I don't know what type of Chemo you are on, but my Dad was on Gemzar, Cabrolplatin and Taxol and had no reaction to any of them... he felt great the entire time throught treatment, but did lose his hair... but hey, bald is in right???? Now, here is my opinion on your therapist.... if you really want a woman and you are not comfortable with this man... don't wait another few sessions.... insist on a change - no one can know what you need better than YOU DO! As far as Dad is concerned, I tend to think that he is not distancing himself consciously... I think it is his way of dealing with all the pain he has been through - and subconciously, he needs time to absorb all that has happened in his life... I know that does not help you right now, but try to be alittle patient with him... give him another couple of weeks and then if things don't seem better I would address the problem with him. Maybe it would be a good idea if he would go to a therapy session with you. It would really be a help to you both - In the meantime, you have all of us here pulling for you, praying for you, and thinking of you... I know it can't replace Mom, but we will do our very best... Chin up my friend.... You are our hero.... Love, Sharon

[shelliemacs]

Jay,

Just visualize the liquid chemo suffocating the cancer cells. Picture the cancer cells screaming

"NO, NO, NO were dying, were dying by the thousands, UGGHHHH"

then you will feel better.

drink lots too.

[norme]

JAY,

SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE STARTED THE CHEMO. IT MAY TAKE YOU DOWN A LITTLE BUT I BELIEVE THAT IS GOOD BECAUSE IT WILL KILL THAT HORRIBLE CANCER INSIDE.

YOU AND YOUR DAD ARE BOTH GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME WITH THE LOSS OF YOUR MUM. ONE CANNOT JUST BOUNCE BACK OVERNIGHT.

A DEAR FRIEND ONCE TOLD ME THAT WHEN IT DEALS WITH A HEALTH ISSUE ALWAYS GO BY YOUR INSTINCTS. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT THERAPIST GET A NEW ONE. ITS YOUR HAPPINESS NOT HIS THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET UNDER CONTROL. ALSO, ISN'T THERE SOME MEDICATION THEY CAN GIVE YOU FOR THIS DEPRESSION? IF SO, GO FOR IT.

TRY WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT TO HAVE A GOOD DAY TODAY AND EVERYDAY AFTER. IN TWO OR THREE MONTHS YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE AND YOU WILL START FEELING A GREAT DEAL BETTER . GOD BLESS

[Don Wood]

Jay, I like this newest picture of you better than the last because of that great smile. Be patient with your dad -- he is hurting, too. Yes, it should bring you closer but he may need time right now to himself. I pray that he will soon be able to support you like you need. I'm glad your treatment is under way. Please keep us informed of how you are doing and ask any questions of us. Blessings. Don

[JudyB]

Hello Smilin Jay!

Great that your chemo has started. I'm sure everyone is getting tired of me repeating myself, nevertheless, drink LOTS of water! If necessary get an IV of fluids. Dehydration can make you feel like you want to die, AND YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL THIRSTY!!

As far as your therapist: Refuse to see him again and get someone you'll feel comfortable with. It's your therapy, not his! What arrogance on his part.

Are you on an antidepressant? That would help.

Now, to your dad. Most men find it very difficult, if not down right impossible, to talk about what bothers them. Talking is only painful, not therapeutic. Men want to solve their "problem." And if the situation is unsolvable, then they clam up. How about your sister? I don't remember how old she is. Maybe you could talk to her. Or your friend Tina.

Your dad will need time. Lots of time.

How many chemos do they have you scheduled for?

Keep in touch. We all worry about you, and are rooting for you!

JudyB

[Sam'swifeShirley]

Jay,

I like the picture. You remind me an awfully lot of my youngest son. He's 19, thin, same hair. You're a really good looking young man.

Chemo's not fun. Man do I know that. I started my second go round six days ago. I did six cycles of cisplatin and CPT-11 last year and I just started carboplatin and Taxotere last week. It was a pretty crappy weekend but better today. Chemo is not fun BUT is is worthwhile. It's just part of this process of getting well.

I see you and I see great things in your future. Just get through this. We will be here to help.

I suspect your Dad has an awfully lot on his mind. That doesn't give him the right to ignore you, especially now, but cut him a little slack if you can.

Sam

[David A]

HI Jay, I'm rooting for you here too. Chemo wasn't too bad for me, just got to remember to drink , drink drink the water. I kept track I was drinking about 15 16ounces glasses a day, and didn't havea whole lot of side effects. Also listen to your body when it feels tired rest.

I hope all goes well for you my friend. I' see you are stealing all the women's hearts here. You go guy!

[Guest]

Dear Jay,

I am so glad that you started seeing a therapist. I imagine you would be easier talking to a woman because you were close to your mom. However, a male therapist may provide an opportunity for you to work through some issues you have with your Dad. Freud calls this process "transference." Basically, you transfer feelings for your father onto your therapist. If you still feel uncomfortable with your therapist, please do find someone that is more of a fit for you.

Jay, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and I practice with a community agency in the Dallas, Texas area. I work with all populations, but specialize in teen issues. I realize you are now officially a "man." but imagine that many of the issues you are concerned with are the same that are shared by other young people. If I can be of any help to you, please do not hesitate to e-mail me. P.S. I start chemo next Tue. and have no idea what to expect. You would really be helping me out if you would share with me what your chemo experience has been like, since you are no longer a chemo virgin!

Cheryl

[Guest]

Jay,

I posted without loggin in. My e-mail address is:

JacknCheryl@webtv.net.

Cheryl Ferguson

[natalie]

Hi Jay-

I've been reading your posts and I find you to be so courageous and strong. I'm confident that you are going to beat this.

My Dad has withdrawn from me and my mom since my mom was diagnosed. He sits outside and thinks a lot. I think our Dad's are just hurting a lot and have their own way of coping. My Dad has an "old school" way of thinking where he thinks he doesn't need a counselor, support group, therapist or anyone to talk to about it. I keep telling him to talk to people who are going through this, but he isn't that way. Jay, I feel so awful for your loss. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. Please know that you are in an inspiration to me and my prayers are with you. I hope you can find comfort knowing that your mom is looking down on you and giving you the strength you need to beat this disease.

[Carleen]

Hi Jay,

Glad to hear that you're underway with the Chemo. What chemo are they giving you?

Keith did very well with the once a week chemo protocol. He was a little tired and nauseous for 3-4 days following treatment, but then he was business as usual. No other side effects except some light headedness a couple of times when he didn't drink enough water. No vomiting, he didn't lose his hair, no major problems. He is also thin, and probably has the worst diet in the world.

I am hoping and praying your treatment goes well for you too.

As far as the therapy goes, remember you are the one in charge. You are paying for this therapy so you make the decisions. If you want a woman, stop going to that therapist and ask for a woman. Don't wait and waste your time when you know you aren't getting the needed benefits from it.

I also agree with what most people here have said about your dad. It is unfortunate that he is distancing himself, especially at a time when you need him, but he is also probably hurting emotionally himself. I know that when I suffer depression, I barely want to get out of bed. I don't want to talk to anyone, and actually sometimes I don't answer the phone or open my e-mail. I just curl up within myself and lick my emotional wounds alone. I think if you talk to your dad he will realize that he has been distant. He may not know that he is doing it, or how he is making you feel because he is consumed with his own healing heart. He loves you, and if you are open with him, it will make everything better probably for the both of you, as you will be able to lean on each other.

I am praying hard for you Jay. Good luck buddy, and if you ever want to e-mail me I'm at carleen.r.kubesch@snapon.com or you can PM me and I will send you my phone number if you want to talk.

Carleen

[kimblanchard]

Jay, my heart aches for you. You are going through so much that someone your age should not have to. But, I know you're strong and you are gonna get there. Also, your dad (like yourself, of course) is grieving like mad. That in itself is a long, hard process and can take years to work through. There will be times he will want to talk about your mom, and others he just can't deal with it. Communicate with him everyday how you are feeling (with your cancer, your loss, and just everyday issues). It will eventually become easier to talk then. I know he does not mean to be insensitive to those around him, he just feels so isolated himself, and powerless. God bless.

[Tiny]

Dear Jay,

As usual you have twisted my heart inside out. You have an incredible amount of issues to contend with right now, but I have faith that you can DO it! I vote for getting a therapist you feel comfortable with as soon as possible. The situation with your dad will take communication, understanding, and time to work out. I am sure he is an emotional wreck right now too, and he probably doesn't even realize how his method of coping may be affecting you and your sister. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Glad that the scarry mystery of chemo is behind you and that your treatments progress well. Drink that water.

Love the new picture! Soooo charming and handsome looking! Take care! Love and Hugs and smoochies.

[Rick]

So Jay, from the post it sounds like your a ladies man... lol...

Your dads distance is most likely his fear of the disease showing through. Men can be tough and rugged, however at the end of the day, we are less strong when it comes to emotional and health issues. This of course is speaking from my own self and dont want to include all men...

Jay we will be praying for you..

[SandyS]

Gee Jay -

Anyone ever tell you that you look like Keneau Reeves? (From Matrix)

Glad your 1st chemo went well, and you might NOT feel anything too horrible. As everyone has already said - drink that water!

Sorry you have to be going thru all this, and that your main support person, mom, is gone. Dad just might NOT be able to fill that role.

Find a counselor you like, and count on your friends like Tina and everyone here!

Hugs and prayers,

SandyS

[Jay]

Thanks again for all your comments, like always, you guys are very encouraging, each and every one of you.

Linda, I'm IIB NSCLC, had Lobectomy done on March and now I'm starting with chemo. Yesterday was the first one and I have 3 treatments left... for now. I have many questions to make them on Monday.

The visualization is good. Last night I fell asleep thinking of the Cancer cells being destroyed. It's a good thing to think of I feel OK so far, hopefully I'll keep that way. And I'm drinking lots of water like you guys told me I should

As for my sister... she is 10 years old, soon to be 11. She's so young and she's having such a hard time too. We spend more time together now, but most of the time she is with my dad. She's closer to my dad, I was closer to my mum. To everyone who commented about my dad, I understand what you say. I know he's trying to cope with things. I know he won't be able to fill my mum's role and it's too much to handle at the moment for both of us, I just wish we could try coping with it together. I'll have a talk with him tonight when he gets home, I feel I need him a lot right and it would be nice if he could try to not isolate so much, even though I'm willing to give him time, I mean... I can't cope with it myself. I'm so depressed all the time, I'm not on antidepressants. My doctor told me he will put me on something, but as I really don't think I'll be going back to that therapist, I'll have to wait and see what my new therapist puts me on. That's something else I want to talk to my dad about. I don't want to go to that therapist again.

Thanks for all the compliments too, you make be blush. Ladies man? Keanu Reeves? Wow! I wish the girls over here thought the same way David P and Sam, I feel really flattered by your words.

Angela, sorry to hear about your sister I was 18 when I was diagnosed too. Now I'm 19, still a teenager but not a kid... I guess. When you are this age, you never imagine something like this will happen to you. Cancer doesn't know of age or race or sex... but when you are young, you feel like nothing can harm you, and here I am, going through things I never thought would happen to me, and not only the Cancer, but losing my mum, my best friend in the entire world.

After all, I did have to leave school. I had one year left of high school and I had to drop out. If I couldn't concentrate before, I know I certainly won't be able to study now. I will finish school, but not yet. I don't even read my off-school books anymore, and I loved reading. Tina, Tony and all my friends will be graduating from high school this summer. They want me to go, but I will feel so bad about myself. I can't play football yet because my leg is still not well enough, and my shoulder has been bothering me lately aswell. So I sit in my bedroom and stare at the street through my window, and I feel so bad about myself, and I miss my mum so much-- sometimes I don't think I can handle it anymore. But then, the same memory of my mommy gives me strength and I believe that's what makes me get out of bed everymorning. Andrée (my sister) has always been a quiet girl, my dad is distant and my friends busy with their graduation. Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend, but sometimes I'm glad I don't... she wouldn't deserve to have such a selfish boyfriend. Even though it's ironic, cause this is a Cancer forum, my escape to all of that is in this place. All the people I've met here are great and have gone through terrible things in their lifes too... and really know how to give advice and make me feel special, so thank you all for that

Agh! I've been talking too much, I hope I didn't bore you guys I will go now, dad's home. I'll talk to him now.

[Don Wood]

Jay, continue to think of your mum, and what she would want of you, which, of course, is only the best you can be. Don

[Cindy RN]

JAY

You can not imagine how much we do care about you. What you wrote came straght from your heart and it is soooo obvious to most of us you are hurting way too much NOT to have a good therapist. You are right you need to talk to your dad. I said earlier he needs time but he does need to be there for you 2 kids..Hopefully you can get this worked out with him. You remain in my prayers.