Angie Daughter of Bill Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Hello gang! I must once again shamefully call on all of you to help me out. I am having a REALLY rough time right now. Since my Dad found out about his brain mets, he has bought his burial plot and has had me visiting funeral homes. He wants us to have all of his arrangements finalized and paid before he passes. I have told Dad of the many wonderful stories here of hope. I have told him of those who were diagnosed with brain mets, had WBR and are doing great right now. He doesn't listen. He is certain he will be gone by the end of January. I don't know where he got that...........his doctor did not say that. He doesn't have once ounce of hope!! When he started WBR I was FULL to the gills of hope...........now, well he has me thinking that he won't be here come February. Now, I must say that every time I feel sad, I feel guilty. Guilty for what? The sadness I feel is only a thimble full of the sadness that my Dad must feel right now. I can't imagine the pressure he feels. I know he is wanting to do this for ME. He is looking at it like it's one less thing I won't have to do. I am trying to be sensitive to his feelings. I have ALWAYS put his feelings before my own. If he's angry and yells at me, I brush it off and chalk it up to the steroids. If he is upset and crying, I stand tall and listen. I cry later. I don't know how some of you do it. This is soooo hard. Dad is the first man that I ever loved after all!! Trying to plan a funeral and Christmas at the same time.........well, I'm just not handling it well at all. Would it seem selfish and immature of me to ask if we could wait until after Christmas to do his final arragements?? Of course it would..........I just read what I wrote. I sounded selfish and immature. I wanted this to be the BEST Christmas that my Dad has ever had in his life. I just can't seem to muster up the strength to get through this. I guess there's not really a point to all of this rambling.........I just had to "speak" it. Now that I have put it into words, maybe I can go on and do what has to be done. I AM a big girl now. (although all I want to do is curl up in Dad's lap and watch Scooby Doo............just like in the good ole' days) Love to all!!! In my thoughts and prayers~~~ A very sad Angie P.S. I hope I am not sounding like I am not taking into consideration my Dad's feelings. The opposite is true. If it makes him feel better to do this now, then that's what we'll do. I'll do it with bells on............and cry later. I just had to type this out and have a little.........o.k.........a BIG cry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Angie, I am so sorry to hear that you are so sad. You do have some difficult tasks ahead of you. We lost my Dad to lung cancer Oct. 2003. After Dad found out he had brain mets the first thing he wanted to do was go purchase cemetery plots. We did. We bought them as a family and will all be there together. It was something that he really wanted to do and he seemed so relieved once it was done. Then he wanted to buy Mom a new car. Nothing wrong with the one she had, he just wanted to know when something happened to him she would have a new car to last her for awhile. Those were some of the bigger things. There were also alot of little things he did (cleaned out the garage, threw away clothes, etc.) that broke our hearts to watch him do but, it was so important to him. After we lost Dad we were glad that he had took care of the things he felt were important to him. Like I said, it broke our hearts but, it made him feel better. I also know the guilt feeling. I still feel guilty today because when Dad started chemo and radiation he told his oncologist that he was doing it for his kids. If it wasn't for us he would not have went through the treatment. After seeing what the chemo and radiation did to him I felt guilty that he went through that for me. It is still with me. Keep your chin up and I will be praying for your Dad, you, and your family. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Angie, So the death shopping isn't an "until he dies" type of thing, why not set a limit on it? As in, he has two days to shop and then it has to be put on hold until after the holidays. Then he can commence in shopping, but needs to have it all tied up within a week so it isn't something you are both dwelling on...you because it disturbs you emotionally, and him because it sets his sights low. Ange, you can't make him have hope. If he has decided he will be "gone by January" and is in ill-health, chances are he's set a self-fulfilling prophecy into motion. I have seen one of those in action, it was horrible from this side, but maybe it was comforting on the other. Some questions are never answered... You don't have to lose your hope, he may live much longer, may come around and decide he wants more treatment...but, my friend, he may not. You are doing so good with your support. You are selfless in your thoughts and prayers and sacrificing a bit of your very soul to watch him give up. Don't doubt yourself, Angie, you are everything he needs right now. Support and not judgment...what a great gift! You will make it through the holidays, and they will be a cornerstone of your memories. Go all out on the family time and love, live as if it may be your last Christmas together on this plane, but hope for that to not be true. Take care of you, Angie, and call me any time you need to just "girl talk" or vent or cry... xxoo, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Angie, my dad kept telling us he would be gone by Fathers Day in June when we were in May and he was still pretty good then. Little did I know he was right. After I remembered that both mom and dad told us the same things (that they would not be here at a certain time) I realized that somehow they know. I don't know if was God whispering to them or what but after the fact when I looked back, i remembered that they were right. Maybe this is the only thing that your dad can feel control of right now. Maybe he needs to have control of something in a totally uncontrollable, out of his hands situation. try to offer the hope you know is out there, while somehow finding the balance of what he feels he needs to do right now. say things like fine dad we can do this but your not going to need it for a long time. WBR does work and it will work for you. I didn't know how to give up either when it came to my parents so I understand where you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Dear ((( Angie)))) I know your pain all too well..I remember when my dad asked me about funeral arrangements... We were in target parking lot waiting for my mom to come out..He looked at me with his beautiful hazel eyes and said " Cat do you think we can talk, I really need to know this" he started to tell me things he wanted, my heart sank when he was talking..I kept praying to God to please give me strength to get through this conversation... He said if it upset me he wouldnt talk about it..I told him it was okay..When we were done I told him I would check into the questions he had...His eyes lit up and he smiled, he was so relieved... Thankfully I have a husband who took over from that point and helped him to arrange his final resting place..He even took him there to see it, because thats what my selfless dad wanted.. My point is Angie let your dad do this it will take a load off his mind, just keep praying and you will find the strength, I know you will.. You are absolutely not one bit selfish, you love your dad and its hard so very hard... XO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 I am sorry you are having a rough time. I like Becky's idea. I wish there were some way to convince him that the people that work at funeral homes are so sensitive and supporting - how else could they survive - that planning a funeral really is not that hard compared with everything else. I don't know how to convince him that you want to spend this time with him now because it is so precious. Good luck, and you are in my prayers this tough time. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmydog2 Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Angie, I am sorry you are feeling so sad (especially this close to Christmas). I like Becky's idea also. Try to concentrate on next Saturday (Christmas). Like you have told us many times... take one day at a time. We are here for you. I am on the board 5-6 times a day so feel free to PM if you need to. Praying for ya. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Angie, your Dad is probably trying to make things easier for you for when he does go. but I agree, it can wait until after Christmas, and I don't think it's a bit selfish to ask for that. You want Christmas to be nice for your entire family, and death shopping right now will put at least a small damper on that. Ask him if you can do it just after Christmas, you want things to be wonderful especially for your girls. I think you are doing an amazing job of holding up through all of this. I decided to make Christmas as simple as possible this year, and as soon as I decided that, Dave got a good diagnoses. So it's not just simple, it's stress free. I in fact snapped at my weinie boss for asking me if my Christmas preparations were complete. Yes, the same boss who moans whenever I'm out of the office taking care of my sick husband. kind of a heartless thing to do - I don't want you to take one more minute off from work than you possibly have to, but how's your Christmas preparations with your very limited time? geez. I looked at him and said "I really have nothing to do to prepare for the celebration of the birth of my saviour". Well, I meant that, but what I wanted to say was "none of your business." haha, aren't we all crazy this time of year? anyway, I think you need to slow down your dad a little bit and make him enjoy this joyous holiday, then continue the other stuff later. Hang in there, girlfriend. you are doing good. God Bless, Karen c. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 I'm so sorry for how hard all of this is on you... From what you wrote here, you are absolutely REMARKABLE. Your father is so blessed to have you pulling for him, having hope for him, helping him to plan and put his mind at ease.... Thinking of him first (and you may not feel that way, but from your post it is obvious that you are thinking of and putting him first). Really, from where I sit I can tell that you are an absolutely REMARKABLE woman. Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to feel and know that those feelings are ok. And take care of YOU too. Becky's idea sounds sensible and healthy to me. Some limits might bring a little relief to you both in this situation. ((((hugs))))) to you and many prayers as you struggle through this time. Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Angie, I need help, too. So let's hold each other up, awhile. I know your Dad is trying to help you come to terms and trying to help himself come to terms, too. It's a hard term to come to, for all. But he may need to do this, before he can go on-- fighting if that is what he chooses. I don't have words to help you, really, but I do know that your dad is being his dad self. That's all he knows how to be.... and THIS dad self, who can't do all the "Dad" things he once did, like take care of everything and help ease the ouchies, is feeling a little unlike himself.... So he is asking you to be his arms and legs and whatever else he is asking you to be... He is asking you to be the woman he raised you to be. And a fine one, at that. I think that is a VERY hard thing for a parent to ask of a child.... Well, I know it is. Your dad is older than me, but I don't know if that makes it easier or not.. I have been thinking about that a lot. Wondering, if it would be easier for me if I were older. I bet he just wants to help you and at the same time he wants to know that things will be taken care of.... So it may not SEEM to you that he is trying to help you, but that is what he is doing. Christmas may not be in his mind the way it is in yours.... For me, Christmas is seeming so bittersweet, and I am not sure I can handle it. I don't know what it is for your Dad. Angie, your love for your dad and he for you have carried you through many things, and especially through these past months.. .. It will keep carrying you, I swear it will. I swear. love and, of course, fortitude elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAnn Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Angie, I want to give you a different point of view on this subject. It is possible that the steroids are what's getting your dad all worked up about the future arrangements. When I was told that I had brain mets, I have to admit I felt alot like your dad, (I'll admit, I still do) but when I went on those darn steriods, my brain would not stop working. I kept thinking about everything that I needed to get "done" before whatever happened. I was unsure how I would come out after WBR. Thankfully, I'm still a functioning human being, but I wasn't sure at the time. In my case, I HAD to have everything clean before I started treatments. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing under the kitchen cabinets, taking apart the stove and oven, cleaning that I would never even have put a second thought to any other time. The final arrangements for myself crossed my mind, but I just couldn't cope with that. I think you are lucky that your dad wants to get the details taken care of so that it won't be such a large burden to you and the family in the future......the distant future! Please keep this in mind when he seems to be thinking "way-out". Those steroids are some "mean medicine" and can drive us patients a little loopy. Hope this helps. Please feel free to pm me if you need to. TAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 TAnn - YES - I got back on here because I thought that very thing - IT'S THE STEROIDS!! I bet he's on Decadron. it does crazy crazy stuff to Dave, and in fact he is refusing to take them now for his brain swelling - anyway, his mind does race and race and race I bet that's what it is, Angie. Maybe you can talk to your Dad and see if he feels like his mind is racing and he just has all this stuff that he can't stop thinking about that he just wants to get done? that's the way Dave was . . . anyway, hang in there! Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Good point. I never thought of steroids having not been on them but having heard so much about them, I should have. But I also think that if his mind is racing and it most likely is, he is doing what he THINKS is the best thing for now. As for later, he may have entirely different thoughts. love you lots. elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Dear Angie, I have yet another spin. Your dad is the same age as I am, so I don't know if there's any connection with age and how we might react, but there are several things I know with absolute certainty that I would try to do (if I physically could) if I thought I was going to die anytime soon. I would do exactly the same type of things that your dad is wanting to do and that Jean44's dad did. I would dilligently do everything I could possibly do to get everything in order before I died so that my family wouldn't have to worry about anything after I died. I would also be adamant that these things get done NOW. Assuming I was well enough to do these things, I would see to it that my funeral arrangements were made. I would have all our paperwork in order with clear instructions about what to do with it, I would clean my house spic and span, clean out all my drawers, closets and cabinets, and then I would relax and enjoy whatever time I had left. I know that no one in my family would resent having to clean up my messes if I left them behind, but I know that I would lay on my death bed fretting over the fact that I hadn't cleaned the toilet for over a week, or worrying that I wrote checks that weren't in the register yet and nobody would know. I just know I would stress about these things. People can come on here and tell me that life is too short to worry about some things, and they are right, but that doesn't change the fact that I still worry about them. LOL! Now, I don't know if that helps you one diddly darn, but if there is any chance that your dad is like me (always wanting to make things easier for everybody else), at least this might help you to understand why he wants to get this done now. As far as how he doesn't seem to want to fight and is convinced he won't make it through January, I think Becky gave you an outstanding perspective. Just try as hard as you can to compromise with him to make you both happy. I think the rest will just have to be decided by your heart. All my love, hugs, prayers, kisses, tears, and caring are coming your way! Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Lamb Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Angie,So sorry your dealing with so much.I hope you and the other caregivers don't get offended at me being a patient But putting in my 2 cents worth anyway. I have no intention of cashing it in just yet.But I have bought cemetery & funeral arrangements.I'm not on steroids at the present time ( i agree that could be the reason )but it is my ( I feel ) obligation that I take care of those things.Not my wife or childrens.None of us really know for sure when it's over.So why not now and be done with that most unpleasant aspect of the dying process.I've been thru it many times in my life and putting on the shoulders of your loved ones trying to choose lots,vaults,caskets,this,that,and everything else in a very short period of time & under duress is an unnecessary evil. I think it a good idea to be done.As difficult as it is you and he could even make it an enjoyable couple days together.My Mother & Sister & I ate out,& believe it or not even cracked some jokes & had also believe it or not had some good quality time together.(mom lived a decent quality of life for another several months after that & had been given only days). I also think it very proper that you mention to him your desire to wait til after X-Mas and why.Mabe tell him at that time you and he could take care of everything TOGETHER & you would be better able to help him with good decisions & also be able to feel better about it. It is my gut feeling that he wants to do this for you because he loves you & doesn't want you faced with it alone.And no matter how tough some of us are we still sometimes are afraid.(of not knowing when).Dad probably wants it taken care of soon but wouldn't mind waiting til after X- Mas. Please hang in there thru all this.I gotta go I'm pooped out.Took a long time to type all this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie Daughter of Bill Posted December 18, 2004 Author Share Posted December 18, 2004 Thank you!!(she says through many tears) I think that many of you are right. In fact, all of you are right. Dad is on steroids. His mind is running 90 mph, but so is his energy level. I think he wants to get this done while he is physically feeling good. He also wants to do this so that me and my hubby won't have to decide if we want a bronze this or a maple that..........He wants to make his passing as easy on me as he possibly can. He KNOWS it is going to rock my world in a huge way. Also, I appreciate those of you who gave me compliments on doing so well. I feel very unworthy of the nice things that were said. It just seems that I could and should be doing more for Dad. What? I have no idea. Right now I'm taking him for radiation five days a week. I take care of all of his "stuff". (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.) But I still feel like there's more I could do. I will get through this..........with all of your help and the help of the Good Lord above.............I will make it. I will come out of this war bruised and battered, but I will make it. I thank you all soooooo much. You guys are my lifeline. Love you all!! In my thoughts and prayers~~~ Angie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Angie, I didn't read all the other posts b/c I am on quickly, so not sure if I am repeating. Just wanted to say that I am so sorry you have all of this stress. And this time of year makes it that much harder. I have a feeling your dad just wants to make things easier on you in case the time comes. When my mom was diagnosed last November, the first thing she wanted, like ASAP, was her burial plot in CA. My parents had plots in NY, but my mom didn't want us to have to ship her there and go there, etc, so she wanted burial plots and left it to me to get the job done. On THANKSGIVING DAY last year we picked out the plots and bought them. It just gave her peace of mind that we wouldn't have to deal with it later on. So DO NOT look at it like your dad will need it now, he just wants it done to make things easier for you. Hang strong. You are doing an amazing job with everything! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 I guess I have a different perspective since I am the one with cancer. I went and pre-planned my funeral. The plots were bought back when my mom was sick and she made me pick out ones for my family near hers. I did not take anyone with me. I wanted to do this alone. Maybe if you tell your dad that you want to wait til Jan. to finish up his plans he would understand. I know if I was him I would. My family does not do well when I talk about the end part of cancer. God be with you, Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haylee_38 Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Angie, My heart goes out to you I know what you are going through. My mom was the same in wanting us to get everything prepared right at x-mas time { x-mas 2002}. My sister was in from Vegas and mom just went into the hospice service. Mom wanted everything done right then and there. It was very hard but , we did as she wished. When she passed away in March I was glad we did have it already all taken care of. I dont think we could of handled it all after she passed. Hang in there and know my thoughts are with you. Haylee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadstimeon Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Hi Angie, Being very close to my daughter (who is my pride and joy) I can assure you, you are a wonderful daughter and doing all you can for your dad. Speaking only for myself (and my odd ball way of looking at things) I try to make sure my caregivers live a life as normal as possible. One thing to need help and support but another to bring on additional stress and burden. I feel it is up to me to do my part also. Try to encourage you father to stay focused and positive. To make the best of (the thing about the future is it only comes one day at a time) it everyday. Focus on what he can do and is most important. Prioritize on what really matters. Not to give up and keep trying. That people can and do live with lung cancer. That they can still have a life, not saying it’s easy because it’s (Lung Cancer 101 as one goes along) not. Tell him to flip the coin over it could always be worse is what I do. Let your father know also about how you feel, I would want my daughter to tell me. The bond between a father and daughter is very loving, special and rewarding. Sounds also like your father can benefit from a support group or phone (glad to talk to him) buddy. There are to many options out there today for one to seek help. You’re a wonderful/caring/loving daughter and doing a great job! That's all any father can ask for from there daughter. Also on funeral arrangements it is a good idea for anyone regardless of the situation but sounds like it can wait until after the holiday’s. Hope this helps. My thoughts and prayers are with your father and you. Peace, take care and God Bless. Rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Dear Angie, I think your Dad is being selfless in facing up to make these arrangements and not leaving you to manage it . I say, let him do it and then tell him you want to hear no more about it and you expect him to be around for a long, long time. Then you can all do your best to enjoy the holidays knowing your Dad has peace of mind. My David, bless him, did not want to know anything about arrangements . I wonder sometimes , even when he was so terribly ill, if he really believed he ever would need to make plans. He left it to my girls and I, and let me tell you when all you want to do is to curl up and mourn, this can be such a hard thing to do. I must say though the people at the funeral home were compassionate and kind and made things as easy for us as they possibly could. Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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