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Four Months - Impossible


ginnyde

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Today, it is four months since my Earl died. I just finished reading a post by Dianne who mentioned my Earl and it brought those ever so familiar tears to my eyes. I was kind of hoping I would stop marking the monthly anniversaries, but I guess not yet.

Most of my family, friends and coworkers would tell you I am doing just fine and they are right. I am doing mostly fine when I am with them. But I am not fine. I miss him, my heart actually feels like it is caving in, broken. Earl always said that we were soul mates. We loved to travel together. We loved to share a meal together. We loved to talk to each other. We loved to laugh with each other. We trusted each other completely. We spoke of our love for each other on a daily basis. So half of me is gone - and I find that impossible to believe. I keep waiting for him to come home.

But I function and basically continue life as we had lived it before. I had a dinner party last night for 8 of my dear woman friends. It was wonderful. I have such bright, fun, dear friends. We had a great time. Of course, I am cleaning up this huge mess this morning. But when I entertain, I like to be part of the party and not in the kitchen. So I plan meals that are mostly make ahead and just enjoy.

My social calendar is booked solid through the beginning of the new year. Being this busy helps me keep my sanity. When I am home alone or driving, the tears just erupt out of nowhere. I hate this damn disease and how it robbed my sweetheart of the many more years we wanted to share.

I ache for everyone on this site that has lost a loved one. It makes me so very sad everytime I read of a loss. But I can't leave here. The love and support and sharing that happens on this site is just not found anywhere else.

May 2005 bring everyone here only good news. May 2005 be the breakthrough year for a cure for lung cancer.

Love,

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I hear you Ginny. 15 months for me and I'm still doing it. My family and friends would mostly say I'm doing well, too, but like you they just don't see all the times I'm in deep despair. Guess that's as it has to be, and kinda falls under the "fake it till you make it" philosophy. We pretend to others to be alright, and someday we really will be. But it will take a long time. I'm sure of that.

I guess I was still more numb than I thought last year, because the holidays didn't really feel as bad as I was afraid they would. I'm actually slipping into the deep, dark abyss much more this year. Tuesday, the 21st would have been our 41st wedding anniversary, in addition to the other holidays. I find myself avoiding a lot of the festivities this year, like my office party and I haven't put up any decorations at work.

I've decided to indulge my inclination to curl up on the couch with movies, books, blankets, etc. until after the holidays -- not totally of course -- I do still have to go to work. :lol: Maybe indulging the loner instinct will revive my spirit a little.

I am still getting enjoyment from shopping for my grown daughter, and I do have a tree and decorations at home and I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with her -- just avoiding anything that would be only to fulfill what others think I should do, if it doesn't actually give me pleasure.

The grief does subside just a wee little bit each month, so by next Christmas hopefully we will all be more in the mood to enjoy the festivities.

Yes, Ginny, it feels like I'm waiting for my husband to come back too. It feels like I live like I always have, but in a holding pattern -- some part of my brain is fixated on "when Chuck gets back". I guess we just have to acknowledge that there are millions of tears yet to shed before reality is accepted.

Hang in there, Ginny, and felt free to pm me any time.

Curtis, you silly, you made me smile. You know very well that Ginny wasn't referring to the month of May.

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I to am with you and hear what you are saying every one thinks I am fine to but they dont see me a night when I go to bed and the tears flow and I cling to his ball cap that he wore and I cry my self to sleep it will be 3 months on the twenty fourth and I miss him so much. I went to the dog pound and got a puppy on the first to help take my mind off of his passing and the on Monday the puppy got sick took him to the vet and he said he had a intestinal virus but it turned out he had parvo and I had to take him back to the pound to have them put him down so I am all alone again and it hurts so much. Christmas will not be the same and I hope the new year will get better but I dont know I have to see a surgeon on 1/6 to see about a lump on my back and I have to have a whole right knee replacement some time after the holidays. My brother says he is doing ok waiting for new scans but my niece said they are concerned that the cancer might be in his throat now so for me the new year isnt looking to good. I hope every one has a Merry Christmas and a better NEW YEAR

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Ginny,

You are such a wonderful person! I admire you so much - I don't think you will ever know how much. When I read your post, and others on here who have posted similar things, I am in awe that even though you have such despair when you are alone, that you are still able to be strong and vibrant when you are with other family and friends.

Of course, I can't help but project the possibility of me having to walk the same road some day. I generally just don't let my mind go there because I can't handle it, but when I read your posts, and others, I know that if I ever have to do this, that I can, and I will. It's because of people like you that I have courage to face the potential future.

I love you, Ginny, and I admire you. May God bless you with joy as the days, weeks and months pass.

Love,

Peggy

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Awwww, Ginny. :(

When we grieve for a person, it is a tribute. In our grief, our feelings are at the end of each nerve. We are giving a testament to the person out of our grief for not having them by our side.

Your many testaments and tributes to your Earl in this forum made him a person that not only touched your life in a significant way, but someone I will never forget, and I think others feel the same.

Di

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Ginny,

You are such a strong person- four months is such a short time ago...yet you are here, supporting so many and offering your friendship to us all.

Please remember that we are here for you too.

Sending prayers of comfort and peace for you this holiday. I know it will not be easy.

Many hugs,

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Ginny,

I saw your post - I hope you are doing OK. Four months is not a long time and the holidays are tough. I know you have great support - you deserve it - with all the support you give others. I think of Earl every time the Eagles are on television. Maybe it will be the Eagles and the Steelers in the Super Bowl (Earl and I would have had an issue then). I know what you mean about everyone thinking you are doing OK - but your not doing that great when you are alone and have time to think. I still get that sudden sadness sometime when I'm driving or alone at night. It's been 15 months since Ada has been gone - It's so hard to adjust to losing your soul mate - Your were such a good friend to Ada - She really valued your friendship. I hope you find peace and have a good holiday.

Jim

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Ginny I selflishly am glad that you have not left here. I love looking at your warm friendly smile when you post.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and how not ok you are. I wish I had words of comfort. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you!

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Hi GinnyDe,

I remember when Earl passed away. It was right about the time I "joined" the board. I remember looking at your picture and what a beautiful picture of you and Earl. His death really did strike me as very wrong. Nothing about separation seems right when the souls are one.

There really are no words that I have that can comfort you.

I just admire your courage for trying to take the best care of yourself that you can. Surrounding yourself with friends and family, going on trips to God knows where, drinking God knows what, and laughing at who Knows?

You are continuing on with your life the best that you can. You are putting forth effort and putting one step in front of the other in faith that you will survive your loss. I think you are a wonderful example to others who have lost a love. Thank you, GinnyDe.

Cindi o'h

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Ginny,

Time pass but we are always looking to go back

to what we had and now miss so much.

I understand and just want to wish you

strength to keep on going the best way you can.

Earl will always be with you, beside you to face

everyday life.

The memories are yours and will be there always.

J.C.

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Ginny, I am glad that you are able to keep busy-but it really just temporarily takes your mind off things, I guess. I can't imagine how it must feel to loose such an important part of you...You will always be The Dukes Dutchess. If you have any tips on how to have love last and stay strong for so long, I-for one-would love to hear them.

You and Earl were so lucky to have one another, and that you spoke of your love of one another is so important-so very important.

He'll always be with you, Ginny, and I am saying a special prayer for you to receive a sign from The Duke-just as a little nudge to let you know that he is still with you. In the meantime, you are very loved here, too. Please know that. Deb

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