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Still smoking and lying to me! Any suggestions?


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Hello everyone! I am very angry and disappointed right now. My family is very close (or so I thought) but I have caught my mom lying to me about smoking. First time I caught her she told me the truth, second time she is blaming my dad and my dad is covering for her. Then I caught her again in the same day and this time I did not even confront her. I understand she is a grown woman and can make her own choices, however, I have got questions that she probably won't answer due to her lying. My mother has always told me that there is one thing she hates and that is a liar so I don't understand this at all. Why would she be lying? Is she embarrased? How can someone still smoke after finding out they have lung cancer (I quit when she found out she had it) ? What would cause my mother to start lying to me we have always been so close and open with each other. Please I am ready to just give up I need advice on how to deal with this. I told her she will not get better if she keeps poisoning herself. She won't tell the doctor the truth because she feels no one will want to help her if she says she is still smoking. That is what she told me the first time I caught her. PLEASE HELP! I am so frustrated.


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This is a tough one. And you are caught right in the middle. As a ex smoker im sure you know how hard it is to quit. I am so happy you were able to quit, as I have not been able to quit smoking since my moms dx. I know it breaks my moms heart to see me smoke,just as yours does for your mom. I have prayed till im blue in the face to be blessed with "whatever" it is that a person gets to know this is the time and that they can quit.

I have no magic words for you, just be there for your Mom right now, she is going thru a difficult time, and i would bet she wants to not smoke as bad as you want her too. or I have heard people make the comment that they already have cancer, why quit?? I supose if I were dx late stage and given a short time to live I would think twice about quitting, but this isnot the case with your mom. She has stage 111 and a very good chance of meeting NED. Mom had the same dx and she has no evidence of cancer after chemo and radiation.

I will put your mom in my prayers in hopes that can she can find "whatever" it is within herself to quit. But let her know you know....that way the lies can stop. Good luck and Merry Christmas


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Nicotine addiction is a very powerful addiction. I can only add that I too smoke after losing a lung to cancer. It is not a certainty that it will give me more cancer, but even the chance that it could wont convince me to stop...Im a hopeless case...a fool who loves to smoke.

One tip; Like a ny addiction, the smoker has to make that personal decision to quit for his own good...until we do, we cant quit. Understanding and help might go a lot further to help, than anything. Rich B.

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The thing my mom has taught me over all these years of my wishing she weren't smoking even though she still did... is that those times that I put pressure on her to quit... the smoking got worse. I learned that my mom WANTED to stop, but couldn't, and any hint of disappointment or disaproval or encouragement to stop from me--no matter how well intentioned--just made her want to smoke more.

Your mom is probably going through the most stressful time in her life right now. What does a smoker do when she's stressed out? She reaches for her pack of cigarettes. I'm sure she doesn't WANT to. But I can imagine with the stress she's under the urge to reach for that package is overwhelming.

As for the lying, again I can only imagine how out of control your mother (and my mother) must feel of anything in her life right now. Maybe by hiding it, she is trying to keep control of one aspect of her life??? Maybe she is just desperate for the fix and can't stand to see you look disappointed when you discover that she is smoking? I don't know.

I know for my mom, I can only cheer her on when I find out she's not smoking (and she's doing SO WELL last I heard!) and be ready to just accept whatever until she gets to that point. She's the mother, I'm not. She knows how I feel, I don't have to tell her. But right now she needs a cheerleader, so that's what I'll be.

((((hugs)))) to you and ((((hugs)))) to your mom. My prayers are with you both.


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If you are the one going to the doctor with your mother, YOU tell him. If not, suggest that your father does. Maybe the doctor can do a bit more to help your mother quit...

As for your mother lying - well, don't put her in that position. If you KNOW she is smoking, don't ask her. She knows you know. She's all "growed up" and is having a big "growed up" problem. She could ask her doctor for help, so far, she hasn't chosen to. Suggest it, then drop it.

Should she be smoking? No. Does she know that? Yes. Does she need to be reminded? Well....does she? YOU can't change it, she has to. Constant nagging will not help her nor you and may damage your relationship at a time when your mother could really use your support.

So she's smoking - do you love her any less? Accept her with her faults, she's human.

Congrats on quitting yourself.


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I told her she will not get better if she keeps poisoning herself. She won't tell the doctor the truth because she feels no one will want to help her if she says she is still smoking. That is what she told me the first time I caught her. Calintay

Perhaps that is why she is not telling you the truth?? Perhaps you should try to understand how she is feeling instead of looking at the situation from your own sense of betrayal. Also, although I understand your instinct to interfere, you may want to be careful about "telling on her". There is an awful lot of responsibility that may go along with that if it affects her physician's decision regarding her treatment.

Your mom is a grown up and if someone were to interfere in my relationship with my physician I would take advantage of the new hippa laws to make sure they were to have no contact with my physicians again under any circumstances.

I am not trying to be critical of you - honest. Please understand, your mom has complex emotions and truthfully, must go through some processes independant of you right now. Hopefully that will lead her to quitting smoking for her own good. Guilt is probably the avenue least likely to get her there.

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