SDianneB Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 We're at the (almost) end of another year - my how time flies! As the television shows review the top events of the year, I usually reflect on my own. For obvious reasons, 2004 will go down as a monumental year for me. (DUH! ) Perhaps the most amazing thing to me is that I'm ALIVE. I'm feeling good. I'm working. My daily routine wasn't shaken so very much in spite of a serious illness and somewhat toxic treatment. I read Dean Carl's post about "survivor guilt," and said a silent "Amen." I sometimes feel guilty because the chemo/radiation didn't make me sicker -- because I didn't suffer like so many people. Now, I think it's because I was supposed to help others. Someone has to be on their feet and strong, and I guess this time that was me. There will be something in that for me in 2005 -- I just know it. I'm going to see about volunteering at the cancer center where I've been treated, and see where that goes. If nothing else, I may be of help to someone else going through this, and hopefully can devote some time to other lung cancer patients. I will have my comeuppance though, because as I sit here, my hair has started to shed! (Didja hear that, Addie? ) It started a few days ago, and just sheds a little every day. Today, I still have plenty of hair, and you can't tell it's coming out unless you look around my ears, and that is still covered up with hair from the top of my head. At this rate, it will take a month for it to all come out! Guess I'll have to do what Schmaydee did and just have someone shave my head and be done with it. (I figured something was going on, because my scalp began to itch, and I suspect it's a little irritated from the radiation like the sides of my face are.) I'll probably spend NY eve just like I usually do -- alone, and in reflection. It's always been a quiet time for me, and one where I review the year and sort of give myself a grade for the year. Happy New Year to you all, and here's hoping we all make it for as many more as we can! Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 Dear Di, You deserve the hightst grade possible! What a strong woman you are and what a wonderful attitude you have. No doubt that is why you are doing so well. You have no need to feel survivors guilt, personally it warms my heart to hear about it. I wish you all the success in the world with your treatment and hope that you will be growing "peach fluff" again in no time at all! Los of Love and positive thoughts, Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 Happy 2005, Di! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 Hi Di Your head is in the right place even if your hair(s) isn't!! When I read about your hair coming out, I gave an outloud..."ohhh". We girls need our hair. dammit. I shoulda shaved mine, I think it would have given me more sense of control over the matter. I had little sprigs that refused to go away, and I was quite proud of the tenacity of the little buggers. I thought that they would add to some length after it all started to grow back in, but they didn't make a dang bit of difference in the end. It took all of two days for all of my hair to come out. What a mess! I think you are absolutely going in the right direction when you say that you have a lot to give. You absolutely do! And you have given so much of yourself right here. You have been a wonderful role model to so many, including myself. I hope that in 2005 you can save some room for here! Blessings to you Di for a high spirited 2005. Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Di, You finished 2004 with a BANG! Hurray, you finished with flying colors. For that alone, I admire your bravery. 2005 will be good to us. I wish you all the best of health in the coming year. Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Di, I'm not going to tell you to not feel "survivor's guilt". It's a FEELING, good, bad, or otherwise, it's a legitimate FEELING. So, FEEL what you FEEL, but don't fall in it. If it's not a warm/fuzzy, work through it, keep moving. When you're going through hell, keep going! (~Winston Churchill) BUT, on the flip side, ANY good feeling, any warm/fuzzy, any super positive reinforcement - grab it and hang on, squeeze out every drop! ...and remember, even when you feel bad, you are still feeling. Like you, I feel there is a reason for me to be here, I just need to figure out what it is... Karma is a b*tch sometimes, ya know? Take care, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 Di,I'm not going to tell you to not feel "survivor's guilt". It's a FEELING, good, bad, or otherwise, it's a legitimate FEELING. So, FEEL what you FEEL, but don't fall in it. If it's not a warm/fuzzy, work through it, keep moving. When you're going through hell, keep going! (~Winston Churchill) BUT, on the flip side, ANY good feeling, any warm/fuzzy, any super positive reinforcement - grab it and hang on, squeeze out every drop! ...and remember, even when you feel bad, you are still feeling. Like you, I feel there is a reason for me to be here, I just need to figure out what it is... Karma is a b*tch sometimes, ya know? (Dontcha love those bumper stickers that say "My karma ran over my dogma." !! Or this one -- "My dogma p**d on my karma." ) Yanno Becky, sometimes you read my mind! When I began stewing about my hair, it occurred to me that this was at least something I was sharing with others going through the same thing! Seriously though, by last night, I began thinking of it in a different way -- as in having the opportunity for a whole new head of hair -- awesome! Just how many times in my past did I get SO frustrated trying to get my hair to look *just right* and wish I could start over with new hair? Well, here's my chance! Also, the caps are great -- WARM! I even like the look, and it's amazing how fast I get out the door in the morning without having to mess with my hair. (I do still have hair covering my head, but it's thinning -- probably in another week or 10 days or so, it will be gone if it continues to fall out like it is now.) I also discovered that the gooey moisturizer I was putting on my face rash was good for moisturizing, but wasn't doing a thing for the rash. So, I started putting A&D ointment on it -- yeah, the stuff they use for diaper rash! It did the trick -- it is MUCH better today, and doesn't itch at all. You are exactly right, my friend -- I just need to FEEL out the feelings I have, because they usually go in a better direction once I do that. Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 Hi DiYour head is in the right place even if your hair(s) isn't!! When I read about your hair coming out, I gave an outloud..."ohhh". We girls need our hair. dammit. I shoulda shaved mine, I think it would have given me more sense of control over the matter. I had little sprigs that refused to go away, and I was quite proud of the tenacity of the little buggers. I thought that they would add to some length after it all started to grow back in, but they didn't make a dang bit of difference in the end. It took all of two days for all of my hair to come out. What a mess! I think you are absolutely going in the right direction when you say that you have a lot to give. You absolutely do! And you have given so much of yourself right here. You have been a wonderful role model to so many, including myself. I hope that in 2005 you can save some room for here! Blessings to you Di for a high spirited 2005. Cindi o'h Yanno, a girl just can't get no justice in this world! Seems like if the hair has to go, it could at least go from the legs and underarms, but noooooooooo ... just the head. Tttthhhpppttt. This morning was the freakiest so far - my mental fix on losing my hair has been really solid for a long time, but when I actually see it -- yikes! I have hair covering about 98% of my head still, it's just getting really thin. I have a few really neat caps, and there is hair sticking out from underneath still. But when I look closely, I see the bare skin around my ears - ack! (The worse spots so far.) The good part about that is that I can actually treat my sore scalp now -- it's a little itchy and tender from the radiation. Now that I've discovered that the A&D ointment works really well on that, I guess I'll just go after my scalp as it becomes visible! But, what the heck. It is a small price to pay, huh .... Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bacalice Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 di went for treatment, rad onc said no more, i was too weak.i told him i wantet to finish but he was excited but it i died becaus3 of it, i wasgoing to haunt him.so i finished i willbe gladto write if my mibd gets better love to alland thcnks to all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Happy New Year Girl. We all deserve one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 Alice -- here's to a restful week and New Year for you -- and one that sees you continue to improve. You're a true inspiration. Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 I just gotta say... you girls are the greatest! And I can't imagine sharing this lungsh** with any better people. Bacalice, you get better soon! And, Di, if you think A&D ointment is good, then you might love Aquaphor. I still use it for some this and thats. And I lost all of my exesses from all over including my legs, underarms, nose, toes...... I felt like a little girl....(!) But, it was the hair on my head that I missed the most. It grew in thick. I mean THICK and CURLY and DARK. It is just now starting to straighten out. It is still thick and dark. We talk later... Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bacalice Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 di: thanks so much and I am trying to hang on and defog my brain. seem to be getting a bit stronger and I am trying to get my sentences to be clearing but it is not easy to get them to make sense. My doctpr stopped the treatment and I am going to try to balance my checkbooks. Chilcren are concerned because not matter my illness, I always could count my mney. Later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mouse Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Alice! Sorry he had to stop the treatments! Maybe what you had will be enough. Your post looks good, so your brain must be getting back to normal. Rest and eat well and you will regain your strength. You are one strong lady to have gone all you have! Keep up the good work! Marge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted December 29, 2004 Author Share Posted December 29, 2004 I just gotta say... you girls are the greatest! And I can't imagine sharing this lungsh** with any better people. Bacalice, you get better soon! And, Di, if you think A&D ointment is good, then you might love Aquaphor. I still use it for some this and thats. And I lost all of my exesses from all over including my legs, underarms, nose, toes...... I felt like a little girl....(!) But, it was the hair on my head that I missed the most. It grew in thick. I mean THICK and CURLY and DARK. It is just now starting to straighten out. It is still thick and dark. We talk later... Cindi o'h Cindi -- did you lose your hair from chemo or radiation? From chemo, I can understand some hair loss or thinning from all over the body, but I didn't lose mine from chemo -- it's coming out from the PCI, so just from the head, and it appears to just be from a few spots. This morning, only a few (maybe 10) hairs came out in the comb - and I thought it was going to be a few hunks of hair a day for a week or so and be done -- but now I wonder if it's slowing down? Oh well ... I'll know that day to day! As to the Aquaphor, that is what I was using at first -- it kept the skin good and gooey, but didn't seem to be doing anything to help the itch and soreness, so I changed to the A&D and it did the trick -- immediately. It's great -- I've used it all my life! In the summer I used to get itchy places, and A&D fixed them right up. My dad was a "country doctor," and he used to have me put it on sunburn and it worked well for that too. Last night was the 2nd night of using the A&D, and this morning, my face is looking MUCH better, and isn't itchy even when I put makeup on. Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted December 29, 2004 Author Share Posted December 29, 2004 di: thanks so much and I am trying to hang on and defog my brain. seem to be getting a bit stronger and I am trying to get my sentences to be clearing but it is not easy to get them to make sense. My doctpr stopped the treatment and I am going to try to balance my checkbooks. Chilcren are concerned because not matter my illness, I always could count my mney. Later. Now, that made me laugh really big! I'm the office/business manager for an art gallery that my sister owns. When we were discussing the PCI, I kept telling her that I'd make sure I got the books done before I had it, so I wouldn't put her in the poor house! Fortunately for us both, the timing was such that I could get the month of November closed out, bank statement reconciled, bills paid, and sales tax done before I started the PCI! As it turned out, I was fine, I am fine. Just a little groggy, but that seems to be going away now, and I have the cutest cap to wear -- it's a knit cap with long ties that you wrap around like a turban. I may decide I like this better than messing with hair! Take care. We're all pulling for you! Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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