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Dad Not Doing Good Without Her


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I don't know where to start! My Dad is really having a hard time right now without my Mom. She has been gone 2 months now, and Dad just seems to be going downhill. The weekends are the worst. He had a wreck on New Year's Day. He went around the bend and crossed the yellow line and hit someone. Everyone was okay, but he said he didn't even see them; he was thinking about Mom. I have him an appt. to see a new family doctor next week, and he now agrees he needs something for depression. I don't think he's thinking of taking his life, but I'm worried for him because he can't concentrate, and his mind always wonders to thoughts of Mom. He drives about an hour to work every day to Indy, and I'm worried about him being on the road. He goes to church and has friends there, but I don't know what more to do to help my father through this :cry: . If anyone has any ideas I would appreciate them. I'm the one out of 5 kids he depends on to hold us all together and I and my sister are the youngest!(go figure!) If anyone knows of a good, easy reading, book that might help, please let me know. I'm writing to you all because I feel that YOU are my hope and inspirations for getting through this. Love to all, and God Bless!

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First of all, I am sorry that life is the way it is right now. It is so hard for your father and for you. You lost your Mother, he lost the love of his life. Each situation has it's own distinct character. You are both grieving but yet it is still different for each of you. I am glad you are able to be supportive of each other at this time in your lives.

I am not sure what I would recommend for reading for your father. It may be that when he sees the doctor, the doctor could recommend something, or even check with the hospital chaplin. I have found them to be a great resource in dealing with the loss I have gone through and they have been able to recommend some very good books for me. And some good support groups also. But I found that coming here was the best thing I could do. I found others that have walked the path I am on, some ahead of me, others behind. It has been a God sent that I have met those on here that understand only too well and have allowed me to vent and rage and cry when I needed to.

I hope and pray for all of us to find some kind of peace in ourselves that will allow us to continue on.

Check with your church or the hospital chaplin. I am sure they will give you good advise.

Take care,


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I ditto everything that Shirley said. A doctor can help him with the chemical side, but a pastor, good books, and this website are right on target.

I feel so sad for your dad. I'm sure this loss is all-consuming as it would be for me. If I ever have to face what he is facing, I will know what to do because of all the ideas shared on this website.

It seems that the most common thing I read among grievers is to keep busy. I also loved Sharon's quote the other day that you might share with your dad: "It never, ever gets easier, we simply grow stronger."

Tell him that he will grow stronger.

All my best,


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I think that seeing a doctor to get an anti-depressant is a good first step.

I also think that the fact that his sadness is leading to a safety issue (the driving) is something that should really be talked about. Could he take a week or so off from work? Could he car pool? That's just scary. I know what he's going through regarding not being able to stay focused and concentrate. I think that is a "normal" sign of grieving.

Does he get on the board? Would it help if he communicated with one of us? I don't know how much good I'd be but I'd be willing to help him if I could. I lost my husband of 10 yrs on 7/14/04.....

I love the quote too about getting stronger. That's my new mantra....or is that motto? I don't know.

This grieivng sh.. is awful. It's awful. Bless his heart and yours too for loving him.

Good luck.

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I don't have the answer, I sure wish I did, but I wanted to write you to let you know I completely empathize with you. I tried to get my Dad on antidepressants, but he refuses. I think going to the doctors is definitely a good start for your Dad. My Dad was married to my mom for 35 years and I worry about him daily. I think the only thing that helps him is other people that have gone through and they tell him it like it is. They don't sugar coat it and say "things will get better" or "you need to move on"...they just tell him "it just plain sucks" . I don't think my Dad knows what to do with himself...he's so lost without my mom. I got him a computer for Christmas thinking that it might give him an outlet to meet people or to find some resources to cope. I think church may provide your Dad some comfort in a little while after he gets through the shock of it all. I'm so glad your Dad is receptive to outlets as my Dad isn't and I don't know how to get him out there amongst the living. Is there someone your Dad can carpool with to work? A train he can take? My Dad is very stubborn and isn't very open to any ideas I mention and tells me he's "okay" even though I know he's not. I'm an only child, so I think I tend to get overbearing of him. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I put horrible images of things that could happen to him in my head. I don't know why I do that, but now I realize how vulnerable we all are and that anyone and anything can be taken from us in such a short time. It's feels like the caregiving will never end. Please let me know what works for your Dad and I'll do the same for you.

Just wanted you to know that I understand.

Thinking of you.

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When I lost my husband, I had so many things on my mind

that my driving was not the best, but a near accident brought

me back to reality.

I made so many mistakes, leaving restaurants and stores

without paying, thinking my husband was still with me and

was looking after the bills, that I was afraid to go out for

a while.

But a visit with my family doctor put everything in perspective,

I had lost my life companion and had to learn to live with his

memories in the right place, my mind and heart and face life

day by day alone.

No medication just a good talk did the trick.

Your father is lucky to have you looking after his welfare.

The best to you and your father.


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Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. I think to just being able to talk to the doctor will help. He has no one to car pool with. He is a superintendent for a construction company and his job moves from site to site, and they live out in the country, so.... . His bosses have been VERY understanding and have told Dad to take as much time of as he needed, but he wanted to get back to work; it was just to much for him to be at home by himself. He puts up a good front for everyone, but he lets it down when he's around me or my sister. Natalie, I hope you can convince your Dad to get some help. I really think it would help. When I told my Dad I got him an appt. he acted like he wished it was sooner than next week! As for a computer, he has one, but doesn't know how to use it, and wants to get rid of internet connection because of some BAD things that have gotten into his computer through the net.(long story). Mom was the one who could work the computer. I will keep you posted on his progress.(positive thinking! :) ) Prayers for all!

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