jcawork Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Met w/ Onco yesterday and he said lets scan again its been 2 months. I am of course dreading the wait for results. I can't imagine it gets easier-the wait. My cough is so bad (they say from radiation) I have myself convinced its back again etc.... I have done 2 of the 6 CPT-11 (the extra boost doses) and I am loosing steam. I told him that I was loosing steam and I just don't want to do this anymore (7 months). He didn't seem to moved by this I guess he hears it a lot. I still have PCi to do. I just want it to be over, I want it to be better, I want it to never have happened. I am tired and I am fed up. I am sick of trying to have a good attitute. The right attitude. I am also so freaked out when I read the board and people are getting worse. Its horrible, it may also be my fate and I am scared. I know there are some people who are getting better, but the ones who are not really jump off the page. Not only does my heart sink for them and their families, but I feel like I am waiting for the inevitable. Sorry to go on and on. In all these months I had few breakdowns, but I have just had enough of all of this. I want my life back, my hair back-long, my body back. I want a tan, to garden, to look healthy. To feel like my old self. I hear that will never happen again. Will post my results w/ I get them. Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Jen, I am so at a loss for words. I am not a cancer patient, I am a caregiver. I heard my mom and dad and sister say the same things. I can't imagine what or how your enduring it. I only wish that somehow you can and do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haylee_38 Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 I like Shelly am at a loss for words. I also was a caregiver for my mom. I heard her speak of the same things you wrote about. Know my thoughts are with you. Haylee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betplace Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 ((((Jen))))) I know just what you are feeling! It is so hard facing day after day of feeling lousy! Of always having to be upbeat so others won't worry, waiting for results, trying new poisons. It is really overwehelming! It sounds like you need to take a long hot shower and sob your fear and pain out. Tomorrow is a new day and you can find new hope then. Until then hugs and prayers for good results from the scans are winging there way towards you! Bleessings Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Jen, Hang in there! I don't speak from experience as my mom is battling, but she said something to me the other day. She said "at first I just wanted to be left in the garage in the car with the windows rolled up, but now I am glad I didn't do that". She watned to give up too, but didn't Hopefully soon treatment will be over and you will get your life back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_s Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 What a coincidence; I am also being rescanned on Monday, but I don't get my results until Thursday. I am pretty fortunate in that I have no symptoms whatsoever except reduced cardiovascular capacity during exercise(which I am working on). It took a while, but my hair came back and all of the chemo effects went away. I am even having to get regular haircuts again! I wish the same for you. Good Luck, mike_s Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chloesmom Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Jen, Just my 2 cents here, but think about this...you've come this far, please consider staying with it till it's all over with. When I was going thru treatment, granted, it was different from yours, but long and drawn out just the same. I just kept trying to think that if I could come out on the other end with good results, all that pain and discomfort and walking around not feeling good would be worth it in the end if I knew I did everything I possibly could to get rid of this once and for all. One thing that really helped me was seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants. That lasted about a year, and now, I am happy to say, that I no longer see the therapist and don't take any anti-anxiety or anti-depressants. Yes, continuing treatment is certainly your choice, but you're most of the way there now, please consider finishing it. Best wishes, Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Well I guess Monday is scan day! John also has his. I wish you all the best! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debi Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Jen, I wasn't going to post because I haven't walked in your shoes and have not had treatment. But I wanted to tell you that I have felt the hopelessness regardless, and although I haven't had treatment, I know the fear well. I hope it is not intrusive that I post my thoughts... I can't imagine how people get the strenght to go through all they have to go through, but I know that we all must have it within us. Reading posts by people like you, who are having treatment, give me hope that that strength exists in us, we only have to find it. You are so strong Jen, and although I don't always post to your posts because I don't have the words to help, you are a power of example to me. It sucks having to wait for your scan results and to have to go through what you are going through, to put it mildly. I'm sure the scan is the final straw that is getting you down, I know at scan time I am a mess and am convinced that "it" is back. Once my results come back, I always feel 100% better about everything and I wish my hardest that you will too. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmydog2 Posted January 7, 2005 Share Posted January 7, 2005 I know where you are coming from on the waiting. I had a CT - chest abodomen and pelvis on Dec 29th and won't know the results till Feb 2. The wait is rough but I have learned to bear with it and accept it. Hang in there and don't give in to the disease. It is rough but doable. As Norme used to say..."hang on and buckle it. It is a rough ride." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie Posted January 7, 2005 Share Posted January 7, 2005 Jen, Oh (((((((JEN))))))) Please Hang in there my friend. My Mom felt the same way! KEEP THE FAITH!!! My Mom is doing great and worked full time last year. She is looking forward to traveling with my Dad (she just retired) and babysits her grandchildren ages 3 and 18 months. (An exhausting task for anyone!!) You can and will get through this. Your made it threw the worst of it. Your in the home stretch. I'm praying for you, I hope that God will renew your strength. Laurie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilgna Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 I have walked in your shoes, I have said those words too, and frankly it just is not fair. No bones about it. Cannot lie, cancer sucks, treatment sucks..... and so far I have not found much related to cancer that is good.......I have asked why me, only to hear why not you.. Its hard and its long, but as I sit here writing this I have a shorter version of my old hair, my skin is rosy again, instead of pasty, I exercise because I want to, and without fatigue, my breathing is as good as probably it was before. and like so many of us I made it through it, and so will you, its only a setback..... things will get better soon... I promise be strong...Prayers sending your way..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcawork Posted January 8, 2005 Author Share Posted January 8, 2005 Thank-you for the thoughts, they really have helped. I get my hope from those who have done this before me. Thank-you again, Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Dear Jen, As far as your cough goes, I have to tell you that I do know several people that have that same cough (me included)! One gal in my Support Group has a very nasty cough and she has had it ever sense she completed her radiation treatments soon to be 5 years ago. She too is a SCLC survivor and she is now 48 years young. She just said at group Tuesday that some days her cough is worse then other days, and some days, it's not there at all, and some days she wheezes, etc. etc. etc. But, my point is, she is STILL HERE well over four years after treatments. As for having your life back some day, wellllll, I don't know, I think we come back pretty darn good! Not to say, it doesn't take time, but we get back to the new norm and it's really not that bad! HONEST! Oh sure, we may have a slight change here and there, but I guess for me, I'm just grateful to have been given this second chance, and I'm grateful that all my treatments worked and I'm here to share them with YOU! It's really okay to have those pitty parties now and then, but, I know and you know, we can't hang onto them for tooooo long! OY VEY, it's not much fun being in those pits!!! ONE DAY AT A TIME! I KNOW your tired of hearing that too, but that's the best we all have for you at this time. Hey, look at David P. He got his body back, and his good looks back, and his energy, etc.... So, it DOES happen. It is sad when we see so many of our friends hit a bump in the road, but like you, they need our utmost love and support too. I know some of our friends here on LCSC don't post about what is going on with them, for fear they will make others feel bad. We all have those moments too. We just have to reach out and touch someone/each other and always let those going through trying times know, your NOT ALONE! (((((JEN)))))) When your having a day you can't be positive, (and I know what those days are like), at least try to be strong. There is a difference. It's hard for us to remain positive when our lives go in the stink whole! BUT, this to shall pass! Your in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Connie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenl Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Jen I'm sorry that things are so hard at the moment. I hope that your scans come back with only good results! Hang in there, and let us know. Karen Ry Wishing you and John all the best for Monday too. Will be thinking of you. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadstimeon Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Prayers for the (and for all those getting tested on Monday) best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 To all the Monday Scanners, I'm hoping all your scans go smoothly, that you all get good results, and that you see good things ahead. Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_s Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I was scanned Monday morning, and it looks like NED is still with me. The office wasn't real busy, so immediately after my scan I asked when the radiologist would be doing my writeup. The response was "right now" so I asked if I could see him. The answer was "Yes", so I went into his office where he was comparing my last scan with the current one. There were no changes between them. I see my oncologist on Thursday to get the "official" word. Good luck to Jen who is having such a bad time right now, and to Ry's husband John. I hope your scans come out great. It is hard to believe , but sometimes things do get better. Regards, mike_s Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Mike, Welcome to the NED club. So happy for your good results. Celebrate! Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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