rosegarden Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Hi. I may appear "new" here but I have been "lurking" (reading this board) for quite some time. I have been finding it very helpful in my situation. It is near the end. My mom is in the hospital. I really need help dealing with this. I love her so much. It feels like I just want to give up on everything and just sleep forever. I don't want to eat, but I know I have to, and I feel guilty whenever I do. I feel guilty doing anything. I feel terrible like we are killing her because she will not take food or water. I know this is a natural in the dying process, but I wonder whether there is anything we could have or should have done. I am not even sure whether she is aware she is dying. I know she wanted to fight. I don't know what to do. I love her so much and she was trying so so hard. The pain got too much and she stopped eating. So we made the decision to allow the nurses to give her the max dose of medication to make her as comfortable as possible since the pain was overwhelming. I really feel like we could have done something to help her get better. I feel like we are betraying her. My dad feels this way as well. And I should mention, he is at her side pretty much 24/7. He only leaves to go home and shower and change clothes. He is losing touch with reality (I should mention my parents are only in their 50's, so this isn't a natural loss of concentration, but a result of extreme stress). He has very high blood pressure and I am so worried about him. My grandma is in her 80's and saw my mom today. My mom doesn't look like "herself" -- she barely looks "human" -- so it was extremely difficult for my grandma. My grandma has had two children, and one of them passed away just two years ago. So my mom is her only child left. My grandma lives with my dad (and mom) and brother and now feels that she is going to be a burden and that she is all alone in the world since my mom was everything to her. I'm so worried about my family. Also I don't know what to do about these feelings I am having. I really do feel like I'm responsible for her dying. Maybe I am? I don't know? What could I have done? Is there anything I can do at all? Please help me I just can't take this anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosegarden Posted January 14, 2005 Author Share Posted January 14, 2005 If medical info is important, she was dx in November 2004 with mets to her liver and adrenal gland and possibly ovaries. Recently she was found to have mets to her vertebrae which was what was causing the intense pain (morphine could not even control that pain). She was a light smoker for many years and worked in a heavily industrial job for a few years and in a large urban city for a few decades. She has had no cancer treatments whatsoever aside from nutritive care under the care of a holistic oncologist who was trying to boost her immunity so that she COULD have treatments. She really did believe she could beat this. perhaps she still does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenl Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Rosegarden I am so sorry for what your family is going through. Please don't second-guess whether you could have/should have done something differently - you obviously love your mother very much, and have done/are doing all you can to help her. The statistics for this disease are grim at the outset. Many people are able to live well and longer than was ever expected of them, but that is not possible for everyone, no matter what treatments they may have had. There are no easy answers here. Just be sure to love your Mom while she is here, and make sure that there is nothing left unsaid between you. I wish you all the strength you need to help you and your Dad through these hard times. I wish there was something I could say that would help. Love Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmek Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Rosegarden...Oh how I wish I could make it better for you. I consider myself a tough person, but your post made me cry like a baby. This is a horrid disease, and sometimes there is not much they can do. I am not sure exactly what a holistic onc is?? but maybe get another opinion from another onc? I really dont know, I am grasping at straws here for anything to give you hope. Just know your Mom knows you love her and try to be there for your dad and grandma. This is so hard even under the best circumstances, no matter how we prepare ourselves, its never easy. I know too, that I will be in your shoes one day and I think thats why your post hit so close to home for me. You and your family are in my prayers ans please come here anytime you need too, it does help. Love, Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Rosegarden, I am glad that you found this site and that you finally spoke out. We are here for you and for your family. All of what you are saying sounds so painful. I hope that someone will take the initiative to talk with a chaplain or family grief counselor at the hospital. I received immense help from a grief couselor when I was in the same color shoes you are in right now. Come here often and tell us what is going on with you and everyone else in your family. Welcome to this family. Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Hi, hon, I am so sorry that you and your whole family are suffering so much right now. I hope things may improve for you but sadly, this is a time that comes to every one of us. You are having very human emotional reactions and not much time to prepare. I think talking with a counsellor or chaplin is a good idea. For the guilt - well, hon, you are just not that powerful. You are not running this show. All you can do it share your love with all of them. They can share with you. Pray, if that be your way. Pray that all are surrounded by God's love and His comfort, and if it be His will, that healing will come. Stay in touch, we all need each other. Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ven Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Rosegarden, I'm wishing you strength to get through this - this may well be the hardest time of your whole life. Stay as strong as you can and try not to let your Mom see your pain. Tell her you will all be ok, she is listening. There is no reason for you to feel guilty or that you have betrayed her. As the others are telling you, there is just no more that anyone can do for her. God will take over soon. Please give your Grandma some reassurance that she still has you, your brother and your Dad. I know everyone's heart is breaking so try to stay together through this. Many people send private messages on this forum - so if that helps you to talk more personally, feel free to do so. My own experience with the end, is only two months back, so those memories are very fresh to me and I do understand you. Take care & may God help you all. Ven Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 boy do i clearly know the pain you are feeling. I lost my Dad 4 weeks ago and went through (and am still going through) the same feelings. I have a post under Grieving called "The Dying Processs" so many people responded with advice that really helped me. Please read the posts they may give you some comfort. I am praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Sweetie, this is such a very tough time. Hold hands as a family. Hold your Mother's hand, tell her you love her a thousand times. After my Earl died I had so much guilt, coulda, woulda, shoulda. It took awhile before I realized that there was nothing that I or the doctors could have done. The disease won. It had spread too much before it was found. The last thing your mother wants is for you to have any regrets. It is obvious that you are crazy wild about her and that is all any mother wants from a child. Just love her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 wow, I am at a loss, but was where you are. I lost my mom in August of 2003 from LC and then my dad in June 2004 from LC. My mom was 61 and dad was 58. they only lived 6 months from dx. to death. I was where you are. I was tearing everything else in my life apart because I could not stand the thought of loosing my parents, especially my mom. I hated everyone and everything. I became mean to my husband, my friends, my sister (who was dx'd with cancer the day we burried dad, she is 38 and has breast cancer). anyway... mom and dad both stopped eating and drinking a few days before they passed. We had dad in the "Morphine coma" so to speak, they told us he was comfortable and unaware of anything. (were still not sure with our decision there) but we did what we did at the time and thought we were doing the right thing. as off as this will sound, in the few minutes after both mom and dad passed, i fealt ...not calm..and relieved isn't the right word either..but the panic and worry and totally encompasing fear that ate my gut out every second was gone. then I just had sadness, but I remember the relief, (but please don't take the word relief as I was glad she was gone) I was just relieved that she was not suffering or fearful of death or in pain or any of that anymore. I know you must think I sound so cold, but I loved my mom with every fiber of myself. I miss her still but when dad died 9 months after mom I knew they were together again, I knew how much my dad missed my mom, he was beyond lost without her. now they are together i hope. if you want to call me to vent, i will give you my number. It has taken my time and meds. both anti-depressants 30 mg lexapro and 100 mg xanax for anxiety and stress and panic attacks daily. its been a hard two years, my sister is still in chemo and she is determined to beat cancer where my parents didn't i know your pain, it will someday not so much ease, but become accepted and you adjust to living with it. i am here if you need me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 I, too, understand what you are feeling. Dad died in August 2004, and I still vividly remember how I felt at the time. I can't add anything to the previous posts except my own heartfelt sympathy and caring. Pam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patut Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 We are all here with you. God bless you and remember, deep inside you is something very strong that can carry you through this. It's based on love…love for yourself and love of others. Many of us are going through the same thing. It's so good we can talk to each other here. Cyndy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 Rosegarden The first thing I want to say is that my heart goes out to you. I can feel your pain as well as that of the rest of your family. Guilt is a natural part of losing someone you love. No matter what or how much you do you will always question if you could have done more. Believe me when I say this. I am the very last person that would speak out on the side of medications but I know that there is a time when they are required. There is no reason to allow someone you love to suffer when there is nothing more that can be done and there is a means to help them. When you think about agreeing to the medication remember you agreed because you love your mom and want what is best for her. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Talk to your mom and tell her how much you love her and while you are at it tell your dad and grandma how much you love them. May God give you the strength that you need to be there for your mom and each other. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosegarden Posted January 16, 2005 Author Share Posted January 16, 2005 I'd like to thank you all so very much. I'm sorry I haven't replied yet but I've been with my mom a lot, and with my husband and dad, and grandma. Thank you so much for your kind words, advice and support. It means a lot to me. The nurses are so kind and wonderful. Nurses really can be angels. What is interesting and also confusing is that my mom's heart is still very, very strong. The staff at the hospital can't believe how strong she still is. Of course this makes me proud that she's my mom, but on the other hand, it's scary because although her heart is so strong, her body is not, and as terrible as it is to say, the longer she lives, the thinner she gets. She is so thin she is nearly too weak to move her own arms now. She is starving. I have read that her body should not be hungry because of the stage (near passing) she is in. But I hope she is not in pain from being so small. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berisa Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 Rosegarden, I am so so sorry for what you and your family are experiencing. Please Please -- don't give up as your mom has never started any treatments yet...the current most important thing is to get your mom start the treatment immediately....how's her current situation? Did the oncologist mention when they can start chemo..and radiation etc? Now what hinders the treatment? Can those be overcome as to start the chemo immediately? Since your mom was just dx in November, she has never been treated in terms of targeting the cancer. Please ask the oncologist for the treatment if the situation of your mom is allowed...I am sorry that what you're facing is the most terrible, most upset moment, but hope is always just around the corner. Keep us posted or vent as you wish anytime that we will be here to listen. My best regards to you and your dad, your grandma.....prayers sent for your dear mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosegarden Posted January 16, 2005 Author Share Posted January 16, 2005 Hi I am very sorry to tell you that my mother has passed away this morning. My dad was with her, holding her hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 Rose, I am so very sorry. I posted a link to this thread on the "Grieving" forum so that others will talk to you about this great loss. I'm just so sorry. May God be with you and your family. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiva34 Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 I am so sorry to hear this i hope that you are able to find some peace and comfort in the difficult days ahead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 I am so sorry Rosegarden..I know you are so devasted right now, stay with us if it helps at all.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 Very sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tnmynatt Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 Rosegarden, So sorry about your mom. My condolences to you and your whole family. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ven Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 Rosegarden, Kindly accept my condolences on the loss of your Mom. Take Care. Sincerely, Ven Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 I am so very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justakid Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 I am so sorry for your loss! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 I am so very sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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