Jump to content

My Best Friend, Mom


Recommended Posts

It's been just over a month since Mom went Home and I'm REALLY feeling it now. I burst out in tears at the slightest reminder, and just cry that I want Mom back. I know that's not going to happen. I hear people tell me the "She's in a better place" schpiel, and I just want to scream. I KNOW that, damnit. I KNOW that. But I've been cheated. I'm at the point where NOW I'm losing it. I was fine when everything was in the planning, but true reality is setting in.

My Mom was the light in so many people's lives. At her wake and funeral, I realized that she touched so many people...so many lives. I had always heard of the police family, but to SEE it. As our friend said of her official police send off, "She loved this s**t." And I know that she did. But now it's over, and I'm picking up my pieces, and Gram's. My 92-year-old Grammie has just lost her youngest daughter, and I find myself getting agitated...I don't want to talk about the hole in my heart, but I can't talk about anything else. I want this hurt to end.

I was told that this would happen, but never expected the intensity of what I'm feeling. I moved in with Mom on Oct. 1st to take care of her, but I thought I had more time, not that even that would have been enough. I go to work every day...I train with my dogs 3 nights a week. I keep busy. But in transit, in the car, is when I tend to break down. As you know, that's when we do most of our thinking. (sigh)

Sorry for going on and on...I just needed to vent. The bottom line is I miss Mom. I'll always miss Mom. I don't think I'll ever truly believe that she's never coming back.

There's a story about Mom and Dad (who have been divorced for 30+ years). One night, after my parents had divorced, Dad saw Mom at a party. She was wearing a red dress and had taken his breath away. Ever since then, when the song "Lady in Red" comes on, he would think of her. He had since remarried, but still held Mom in a special place. One of her requests she made when she passed was that she wear red. Gram wouldn't go for that, so we dressed her in one of her stunning black and pale pink pant suits (with her dancing shoes on the casket), with a red "unders" on, as a promise was made that she would have on red (we checked to make sure they were, in fact, on.) ;) She will always be the Lady in Red.

She loved to dance, and had always wanted to learn to Tango. She is dancing that Tango now, in a flowing red dress.

On New Year's Eve, I adopted the Doberman I've always wanted. Her name is Dancer, with her (limited) registered name as "Janet's Red Hot Tango." For Mom. I'm sure she would have, instead, wanted me to find a good man, but I'll just have to find one that'll take my dogs and cat, along with me. She knows me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Shannon,

Yes, what you are feeling is completely normal. My mom dies in the spring. I had to force myself to go outside and plant a few flowers and as I did the tears just wouldn't stop. My face became so dirty between the tears and me wiping them with my dirty hands I was just sure that it would cause me to break out. Even today I say out loud "I want my mom back"!

All I can do now is wait for the day I will see her again. I Love you MOM, Shelly

Hang in there, one day you will wake up without the terrible thought "My mom is gone"

Link to comment
Share on other sites


I am so sorry for the pain you are going through as I know it only too well. I was the same after Randy passed. It was hard to go on living.

Be kind to yourself. You have the right to greive.

May you someday find some peace with what has happened. I know the pain does not go away, we just find a new normal.

Much love,


Link to comment
Share on other sites


I am so sorry for your pain, it comes through in your post...I've been where you are and I know the devastion of having your heart break in a million pieces..Everything is still so new and raw for you..I am not going to say it gets easier because I am not sure it does..You just learn how to adjust to your very different world and I know you have heard it a million times but time passing does help..

Your heart will begin to heal somewhat in time and you will find peace..In the meantime there are many here who can hold you up when you need to be held...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Shannon,

I lost my Mom 10/15 after caring for her for 14 weeks and 21 days straight. I too was not prepared for this feeling. I have some terrible "missing Mom moments".

My mother was loved by all with a great sense of humor too. I think that helps me the most. I think of all the funny things she did and I laugh. I laugh til I cry or I cry til I laugh. Either way I am thinking of Mom.

I don't think it will ever go away.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Shannon,

Yes, this pain is sometimes too much to bear but we have to bear it. We have to get through it because there is no alternative. Our loved one's would not want us to give up on life.

Every time I get maudlin, I have to remind myself that my husband is no longer suffering and is in a better place. Even though I want him back he wouldn't want to be back suffering in the way he was before he died.

As Ginny has always said "Keeping busy, busy, busy, helps with the grief", and getting out and mixing with other people is good too as it keeps you from thinking these sad and dark thoughts.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers,



Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.