Heres a question for thought

[randired]

I was talking with my therapist tonight and he asked me a very good question. "Are you ready from your mom to pass on?" It really was meant to make me think (its not going to happen soon, but i think he wants me to be prepaired). And it did. And I was wondering for those who wish to reply, are you ready? how have you made yourself ready for either you or the ones you love? do you think it is possible to be ready? do you think its wrong to prepare yourself for it?

I have a lot of thinking to do. I have a lot of soul searching to do. I am scared and sad tonight. Thank you for reading and any thoughts.

[DebsSky]

You know, that is something I have been thinking of alot. Although my mom at the moment is doing great, you also have to think of the flipside and I have been wondering if I am ready. I feel guilty all the time to have these thoughts enter my mind because I think that you should be positive all the time, but this is a real world too.

To answer your question, I don't really know if I am. I love my mom to peices and how can you really prepare for something like that? Sometimes I think that I have started greiving right after diagnosis because we thought then that it was coming soon. She was soooo sick. I kinda slipped into a bit of depression then. I think that I am about as ready as I ever will be. It is not something I like to entertain alot and the only way I will know my readiness is if the worst happens which I truly hope not.

Great question and definitely food for thought,

Deb

[Justakid]

Randi-

It's been 9mths since dx........honestly I believe I have thought about my death everyday since then. Am I prepared....no, I think it's too early. Am I more accepting....a little. Am I scared.......yes.

I have discussed with my husband what I want (in the end), I have partically written my goodbyes to my children (just in case). I've picked out the pictures that I want my husband to put around the house so that the children don;t forget what I look like or at least remember my appearance at a more flattering time (just in case).

I'm a realist and although it is premature, I'm getting as close to ready as I can. It certainly doesn't hurt to be prepared! I only hope that all this was in vain and I have to redo it all in 50 years!

Sorry your put in this situation, hang in there!

[kimmek]

Oh Gosh...The question that is always there, the thought that never goes away. No matter how hard I try and prepare myself for this and this is something I think I have done for along time, even before mom was dx with cancer. I have no clue how I am going to survive without my mom. I am 42 yrs old and very much dependant on her for many things. Just as she is dependant on me. We have a very co-dependant relationship.

I can not imagine no matter how hard i try or how i try and prepare myself for this, i cannot do it. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I didnt have kids, then I could just go with her. Horrible thought i know. I dont have many friends, I have my SO and one true girlfriend, and other than that my life totally revolves around my kids and my mom. There has not been a day in yrs, maybe my entire adult life that i have not talked to her. She is the first person I talk to everyday when I wake up. She always knows where I am and I her, and like i said this has been forever not just since cancer. There is no way i can prepare myself, I dont even know where to begin. It scares the S... out of me.

Kim

[shelliemacs]

to me, as much as you think your ready ... you will still be hit with unbelievealbe feelings of loss and sadness that you didn't expect. I knew my mom was going to die the day she passed and I stll fell to my knees when It happened. I ached inside and what I thought I was prepared for was ok, its what I was not prepared for that hit me.

Dad was another story. I sat and held his hand while he was passing and there was no sound or movement and I just sat on the floor of the hospice facility and let tears roll but no unbelieveable feelings came over me because cancer had then gotten the best of me two times in 9 months with both parents.

[Remembering Dave]

Although I know Shelly is right, I will not be prepared for the sadness and especially the loss that hits me, I think about it every now and then. I'm facing the loss of my husband and my mother at the same time. The biggest thing I think, is that these are the two most important people in my life for helping me raise my daughter. I try to imagne life without both of them or either of them, especially Dave, and raising my little girl alone. I can't even imagine it. In fact, it seems so impossible without Dave that I am quite sure he will beat this cancer. I can't imagine Faith without my mom, as I had the benefit of having my mom's mom in my life up through my 30's. I learned alot from her.

When I think about losing Dave, I try to mentally walk myself through all the practical things I will need to do in order just to get through the day, how to manage taking care of the house and the dogs and paying the bills. Then I try to imagine the feeling of loneliness. Of course I have that alot already at times, since he often feels so bad he's non communicative or just plain ole absent - in bed asleep. I look at my boss who lost her 37 year old husband suddenly three years ago leaving her with three small children and I wonder if I'll live my life like she lives hers (I doubt it).

In essence, it's just too much and too big to even conceive, so the best I can do is try to be prepared in practical ways, like making sure I have HIPPA access to Dave's health insurance, getting a will (which we did), getting the car titles put in both our names, stuff like that. Then hoping the practical/legal stuff will be easy so I can focus more on the emotional stuff.

But again, I'm not planning on it happening. It's not possible. It can't happen.

Karen

[Donna G]

I don't know if you can do anything ahead of time that would make the pain any less when the time comes. My Dad died suddenly one night of a heart attack , my Mom found him on the bathroom floor. My Mom died after a long time dealing with COPD, after months on a respirator she was weak like a rag, could not care for herself etc. Both of their deaths were very , very , painful. You want the funeral arrangement to be perfect, the coffin, the flowers, the readings, the music, the grave site etc. I want to tell you in the middle of the pain felt by our loss , you have a terrilble time making any kind of these decisions. It would have been so much better to have made these decisions earlier. Now I could think back and remember more than just the pain. Perhaps your parent have ideas on what is important at their funeral, also. Just a thought. Donna G

[SBeth]

Randi...No way am I ready at all and I have no idea what to do or how to prepare myself. I still find myself waking up first thing in the morning (although not as often as I did 9 months ago) and thinking that "it was all a bad dream and Bill doesn't really have cancer". To even fathom how I will manage to fall asleep, let alone awake to the nightmare of not having him morning after morning is more than I can bare. My best to you as you embark on this journey.

Beth....you are such a strong person, such a wonderful spouse and mother to be so strong and be thinking about the things that nobody ever wants to think about. I hope that when/if the time comes, my husband will find the strength to prepare himself as you are doing.

Katie...God bless Rick. You are right, you were and are so very lucky to have someone that stepped up to the plate and took off running, despite his own pain and grief. You both are remarkable and are touching so many lives in such an important way with all the hard work you do everyday with this site.

[Treebywater]

My answer? Absolutely NOT ready. I have to leave here tomorrow, and I know now that I need to. I need that time with my husband to gear up for the coming year here back with mom. I need him to have time with his daughter no matter how limited. And when I leave tomorrow I'll be very close to that dreaded 'no travel' period in the pregnancy anyway. Part of me is just terrified something will happen and I'll need to get here and won't be able to.

Past that... I want mom to meet her Granddaughter. And I believe she will. And past that... I want mom to see her Grandbaby grow... and to take her on picnics and teach her to beat up on men ( like she taught me!).

The What ifs are always there... but I can't entertain them right now. Maybe that is poor preparation on my part, but I just can't do it.

[stand4hope]

No, I will never be prepared for my husband’s death. Not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow, and not even if it happens.

Love to all,

Peggy

[finster]

I don't think I will ever be ready either. I'm crying just thinking about it. I echo what Treeby said. My children (mom's grandchildren) are here now, and I already mourn the fact that she can't do any of the things she used to do with them. I'll obviously take her any way I can have her, but what I wouldn't give for things to go back to the way they used to be.....

[lilgna]

I would be a liar not to say I have not thought of my death....and what it would be like and the arrangements and such, that started the very day the rug of certainty was yanked out from under me, you know the familar feeling we all once had, that we would just keep rolling on...... hard to explain feeling , I hope you get what I mean, however, since I am fighting with all I have to survive, I choose to think about living more than the dying part. You cannot live if you are always in deaths shadow, and to fight you must be strong. My husbands always says, whenever I bring it up, "we are all dying honey," no one makes it out alive" I have to stay awhile longer it just too soon for me to go, I still have a daughter to get through college and marry off, and grandchildren I don't even know yet, a terrific husband who we have made future plans together, to retire, and alot of places and people I need to see, Its just too soon... I am too young to die... So I say no one is ever ready, on either side, the patient, or the family member....We all want one more day........

[Snowflake]

Maybe, MAYBE in 100 years I would be "ready". If everyone else in my life had already gone on, it would be easier to be "ready" and even "welcoming"....not knowing what tomorrow holds keeps me from swearing one way or the other. On second thought, depending on where I am in my life, I may actually be more than ready at some point...but for now...

One More Day

By: Diamond Rio

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn't ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl

Then I'd unplug the telephone

And keep the TV off

I'd hold you every second

Say a million I love you's

That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day

Leave me wishing still, for one more day

[Don Wood]

No, there is no way I could prepare myself for losing my spouse, because I have no experience in that area. I have lost two parents, a brother and a sister, but losing my mate is a whole other story. Lucie and I have talked about it and prepared for it as much as we can. But I know that the reality will be overwhelming. I will have to rely on others to get me through. We both always thought I would go first, but now we know that that will probably not happen. I cannot imagine what a life without her would be like, but I do know my Lord and our family and all our friends will help me get through it. For now, I really don't dwell on it because I want to focus on our time together, however long that may be. Don

[Elaine]

Since you post the link to your online journal, I assume you know that some of us read it. It breaks my heart to read of your relationship with your mother. No, I don't know the "whole" story and no I certainly am not going to even think about blame. It's not about blame. It just breaks my heart to read your thoughts about your mom and to hear you assigning blame or that she assigns it, for that matter. There's obviously some troubled things going on, and maybe you all need an outsider to help you ALL address them. Your mother needs so much right now, regardless of the past. It takes more than one person for trouble to exist in any relationship. This I have learned.

I hope that you can find away to address those feelings--regardless of how long your mother has left on this earth. Not just for your mom, but for you and your dad and brother, too. Anger and hurt are not legacies that serve anyone well, especially not the living.

The TIME WILL come when one of you will be gone. Right now it seems your mother will go first. There is no way to be ready for that, as some have said. However, your grief may be tinged with more regret than you can fathom if things go on as they are. Some regret is inevitable.

I hope you aren't angry with me, but if you are, so be it. I just can't help but feel for your whole family. I know what you are writing comes from hurt you feel--that is what anger is--hurt that has gone unsoothed from either the inside or from outside forces. You are hurting. You are ALL hurting. Maybe it's time for healing.

One mark of maturity is forgiveness. I know it is hard to do. We don't choose our parents, but there is no love deeper, as you are finding out with your new son. Put yourself in those shoes. And pretend he has written your journal based on the troubles you and your husband have.

Would it break your heart?

love and fortitude

elaine

l

[Calintay]

When my mom was diagnosed the only think I thought was I can't lose my best friend, mom, my inspiration, the one I talk to when I have a problem. I am not ready to be with out a mom all I did was cry for days in my room. However, she has been the one that tells me I have to keep up with my school, and taking care of my family and has really pushed me to continue my life and not to stop it completely to help her.

Absolutely NOT am I ready for anything like that, but if the worst was to happen I would carry on after grieving, because I know that is what she would want.

My mom is my best friend!

Calintay

[betplace]

Ever since my diagnosis, I have tried to wrap my head around the fact that I will one day no longer be here. I am not going without a fight, thats for sure. I have spent some time thinking about wills, both regular and living, but have not completed all that stuff yet. I talk with my therapist about it a lot. My family has not really faced it yet. Though the whole experience has brought us closer. I am coming to some much needed reso;ution on some important issues in my life, so it has even been a blessing in some ways. But as much as I prepare, I will never be ready!

This sight is one of the biggest blessings I have been given. Thank you all for being such an important part ogf my life!

Blessings

Praying for us all

Betty

[Cindy RN]

This is one of those ? that we all think about.

When my mom died, I think I was preparing myself. She declined those last few weeks and I knew it was coming. We kept her at home as comfy as we could. Being a nuse I gave her the pain meds thru injections. That last day----she took her last breath and I used the steth. to check for a heartbeat. One of the sadest things I have ever experienced. My mom did not have one. The nurse part kicked in and I got ahold of the funeral directer and even helped wrap her and get her on the cart for them to take her away.

It was not til I got back to my house (a few blocks away) and had to tell my kids did I lose it.

As for me-within 2 weeks I had been to the funeral home and made all the choices and picked the casket. I know my hubby and he would think he had to get an expensive one!! No WAY! I also saw the attorney and had new wills made for Tom and I, also POA and a living will.

I have no problems with dieng. BUT I plan on living-to the fullest-until that day. I just know how hard it is for a family to do these nec. things right after a death, esp. the mom. I also wrote a letter telling Tom what bills had to be paid, when, and all the life ins. info and retirement papers. He never wants to discuss this with me so I just did it.

He can just deal with the fact that I got the last word.

Cindy

[ellakc2]

No one is ever ready for death. Most of us w/ cancer

have it on the back burner. As for me, I would feel

so bad for my girls and my grandchildren. My daughters father died a few years ago. Iam the only

parent they have and they are to young to loose me.

[Connie B]

Well, I totally agree with Donna G., Katie, Shelley, and the rest of the gang that says, "You will never be ready" I lost both of my parents and my son, and never ever was I ready for any of them to leave me. I would bring them ALL back even TODAY, in a MINUTE if I could!

I'm guessing your Therapist has NEVER lost someone close to him/her? I can't imagine a therapist even asking such a question?!

Good Luck to you.

[kimblanchard]

I was sort of ready when my Mother passed away but it still hit me like a bomb, a major shock. There was no way I could have ever been prepared, I think.

Jim is very sick and he is very peaceful right now but he is also on a boatload of meds.

I am not prepared to lose my husband. I have thought about everything about it too much, so long, and somehow I do feel prepared in a way just because it has been so long coming, but I am still not prepared, I just can't be. I talk all brave on here and some ways I am but I am also scared as h*ll about what is going to happen to him and then what is going to happen to me. What in the heck am I going to do? My sister is on stand-by right now, she is the best sister in the world, I just don't know what to expect --

Bottom line - if we have time, I think there is preparation on many levels and it helps but I think there is no avoiding the shock that is to come.

Margaret

[randired]

Thank you for all of you who have replied. I think the point of my post was mis-read by a few. The question that was put to my attention wasnt be be taken to a literal, physical state. But it was meant to make me think about the if/when mom dies. How will I handle it, will i have guilt, resentment or anger ontop of grieving. And if I think there will be anything other than just grieving, how will i fix that before the inevitable, whenever that will be. THIS IS because if there are many other feelings, it can eat away at a person (the guilt, hurt, anger)

For those who read my blog in whole, would understand a bit more of my relationship with my mom. NOT just the few posts that i have had fights or something 'bad' going on. Also, this blog was meant to help me vent my feelings when i didnt have access to my therapist. What I have learned is that love co-exists with many other feelings, (anger, happiness, sadness, like, friendship, affection, and even hate). To love someone doesn’t mean that you don’t also hate some things about them.

I was really wondering how other people have prepaired themselves for their own death or the death of another loved one. how do you handle your feelings and do you think you will be ok after the passing. (aside from the grieving and missing). I know I will have a very hard time with it and I am scared as to how I will handle it especially since I have my 1 year old son.

I think margaret said it right: "Bottom line - if we have time, I think there is preparation on many levels and it helps but I think there is no avoiding the shock that is to come. " I know that no matter how much you can prepare, you are never ready.

[BoBennett]

Randi,

What is SAHM?

Interesting Q. I will say I haven’t a clue how my wife and kids and others are going to feel but my heart breaks when I think about my wife and kids. When my own mother died, (I only realize now, since diagnosis) I was not in the least attentive to what she was going through. I feel bad for that but my mother knew It was all about me and she still loved me, so I can only hope to try and lighten the load around me if and when I go. My Mom knew I loved her, done.

I am so pissed that my mom continued to smoke and that offends my siblings and others. It doesn’t offend my mother.

I sometimes confuse preparation with painting the house, when in fact I am more worried that they will take to much time getting past me. So as for preparation, I’m trying to let all know that I only want those I love to cry their eyes out and move on.

Taking care of transgression is the priority and I only have one left and don’t know if I have the courage to confront it. As for when and if I go I want to go somewhere and be left alone, and if that goes against those that I leave behind, parade them in.

Interesting thought, it goes with the territory.

Bo

[randired]

Bo- SAHM means Stay At Home Mom

I used to be a graphic designer for a sister magazine of Fortune Magazine.

Thanks for the reply. My heart goes out to anyone that faces this horrible disease. be strong!

[Connie B]

In November of 2004 I heard on the radio that the oldest person in the world had died. She was 114 years of age. Her last words they said were this:

"I didn't know dying was going to be so hard to do, I hope I do it well".

Those are words I don't think I will ever forget.

Hugs,

Connie