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Checking in - but I didnt get a hall pass.....


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Hi All. I know its been awhile since I have posted - but I am here at least three times a week lurking in the shadows. I am sorry Ry that I have never asked for a hall pass - I guess I am just skipping - and probably should be sent to the office....

Life almost 7 months later is still no better than the day my dad died. I have to say that it is easier for me to "go on" than my mom because I have so many distractions. Two small girls, a pain in the but beagle/basset mix, and hubby keep me on my tippy toes most of the time. Alyson (My 7 year old) has a project due next week where she has to do a timeline of her life with pictures - so we went through the huge amount of pictures I have taken since her birth. I have to say that I found pictures in there that I was not expecting, and the waterworks started up again.

Its not better - its just a new normal - but it still doesnt fit quite right - its like trying on an outfit and it not fitting the way you want it, but you have to get it becuase there are no other options. I always call my mom on Sunday's - that is our day to talk every week, I havent missed one yet.... I told her about this timeline and was describing some of the pictures - not of him, but pictures in general - and she started to sob - hard sobbing - because HE WAS THERE when the picture was taken. My heart hurts for her so very badly. I wish I could just take SOME of the pain away. She misses him so much she can hardly breathe sometimes. It is so hard to even imagine what she is feeling, I have a hard enough time dealing with what I am feeling, and I know that the relationships and grief are different for everyone. My soul cries for her becuase I know she is never going to heal fully. I can't help but think of all the things we can never change - especially the "what if's" even though I know nothing I did or will do in the futre will change any of that. Its senseless to think about the things I have no control over. I would give anything to see her happy - truly happy again, but I dont think that will ever be. She chooses to be alone - no one will ever fill his slot - it would be like that outfit I mentioned above - and my mom will not "settle". Anyways - I am just soul bruised and wanted to check in....

Thanks for letting me babble on. Angela

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