Losing my freaking mind!!!!!

[shelliemacs]

I HATE CANCER!!!!!!!!

I am so sick and tired of cancer and oncologists. I hate it, I feel like lately I am going to loose my mind.

I have literally begged, down on my knees every morning and every night begged GOD to cure my mom and get her into remission. I literally without fail for the last 7 months say 29 prayers a day. I wake up and pray to GOD before my feet hit the floor every day that today will be the day she feels better and then on my drive to her house I say nine (9) St. Jude Novenas. Then when I get to her house, nope she is still in the chair watching tv and looking like hell. I ask her every day how are you feeling mom. "OK" not good, not fine, but "OK" well I am sick of OK. I want my mom to say I FEEL GOOD.

then I have to leave her cause I have to go to work and on my way home every day I again say nine St. Jude Novenas begging him to make her better before I get to her house after work followed by 3 Our Fathers., 3 Hail Mary's and 3 Glory Be's, then again I pray directly to GOD and beg him to make her feel good by the time i get there and to not let her be in pain from the chemo. BUT NOPE, i get there and her legs and hips ache from the damn drugs they have to pump into her to kill the friggin cancer. The treatment is just as awful as the damn disease.

I am sick of existing like this. I can't say any one in my family is Living cause who can go on with living when MOM is fighting for her life and she is sick from the freaking treatment.. Lining is getting up and doing things that make life worth living, existing is getting up, breathing, going to sleep again.

WHO do I have to beat the pis_ out of the find a damn cure for lung cancer. I mean we spend how many millions on AIDS research, and no dont anyone write to me how its not needed, I know it is but, WHY , WHY WHY is that disease any more important the Lung Cancer. HMMMMMMM

I want my mom cured, I want her to have LIFE back. She gets out of the bed, into the rocking chair, then back into the bed.

Is god even real, does he really hear me. Am I wasting my time talking to air??? I swear I will never ever pray again or have faith in anything if this damn brain scan on Monday does not come out clean. I just cant take it anymore. I am so sick of seeing this woman suffer. Why did my mother raise me to believe in the Ultimate higher power. The supreme healer, the man who died for my sins because he loves me so. How am I supposed to believe in him when he continues to let her suffer????

If he is the ultimate healer and can create miracles, then why doesn't he. What makes my mom so unimportant to him that he lets F--k--s like Sadaam and Osama , live and, my mom is in pain and so sick. She is wasting away to nothing and I cant do a damn thing to stop it or save her. She beleives in god and has unfailing faith. I dont. I want proof. I want her cured. I want us all cured. I want there to be no need for this board except just for people to chat about when there was lung cancer.

I am physicially sick from all the stress. For two days in a row my husband has had to help me into an ER because of debilitating pain from migraines caused by stress. It is unrelenting and unending. No matter how many shots of pain meds they give me. I sleep for 2-3 hours wake up and within minutes the pain is back. The pain today started moving down my neck and across both shoulder blades. Now I cant even lift my arms.

I cant take it anymore. If i could get my hands on a gun I would blow my own head off to stop the gripping fear and choking anxiety I am consumed with over the possibility of my mom dying. I lost my dad at 9 and have closed myself off to everyone else. I can't be close to anyone because I cant stand the fear of loosing anyone else.

I know some of you are going to write and tell me I need mental help or anxiety meds. I have tried and I cant do it. All I want is a cure. thats all I can see that will end it for me. I am paralized with fear. fear of losing mom. fear of missing mom. fear of not having my best friend anymore. I never stop crying. I throw up all the time from anxiety. I NEVER ever relax. I pace the house at all hours of the night.

the fact is I can't help her, and I cant live with that fact. I am mad as friggin hell and I want someone, somewhere to come up with a damn cure for this witch of a disease. I cant see how I am going to get through till Monday and then that test to see if just her brain mets are gone. Then I gotta go through all the sick hell of waiting again for a PET scan. but in the mean time I have to tell this woman she has to again sit in that chair for 5 hours while they pump more poison into her small body to try to kill cancer cells that may let her live a few more years. then sit back and watch the chemo beat the crap out of her again and watch her cry from the pain in her legs that the chemo causes again, and watch her not eat for weeks again because she is so sick from the chemo again.

I think what kind of merciful god did my mom teach me to believe in if he would let her suffer like this. would he be more merciful to let her have died in the beginning of all this???? why does he have to let her suffer like she is.

But what I hate most is myself, I am so ashamed that I feel so bad for myself and how I feel about missing her and what my life would be like without her when I can't begin to phathom what goes on in her mind and the mind of everyone on this board who actually has the cancer. While she and they who have it actually have to live like. The fear, the pain, the heavy heart about fear of dying. I am, as my husband says lately, "Losing it" . I dont see any end other that someone somewhere finding the cure.

If i didn't think I would gag, I would swallow the bottle of pain meds the ER doc gave me all at once. then maybe I can meet my maker and tell him he is making a HUGE mistake by making my mom suffer.

I know I need help, so you dont have to write it back to me.

[Don Wood]

Shelly, I don't know what to say that would help your pain. Your post shows a lot of anger and pain. I can say, "Don't do anything rash that would make it worse for your mom." Don

[kimblanchard]

DEAR GOD,

PLEASE PUT YOUR LOVING ARMS AROUND SHELLY RIGHT NOW AND GIVE HER SOME COMFORT. AMEN.

Peg

[gail]

Oh sweetie, wish I could just reach in there and give you a hug. The pain is unbearable for you, and sure, you have a lot to be angry about.

My father in law was dying of lung cancer in 1988. I watched him in the hospital, almost comatose, and my god returned to me at that moment. I thought "If there is not a heaven, what point is there to this man's life?" What point would there be to any of our lives?"

I watched a show years ago on people dying from cancer (HBO special). There was this wonderful old man who was dying, but had such a radiant look to his face. He said something like "I'm not afraid to die. I did die once, on the table, and saw the most beautiful sight ever. Then they brought me back. I'm ready to go to that place." It was not so much the words he said, but the look on his face.

Two months after my lung cancer surgery (my third cancer), I sat down with some Bible people and had the same discussion you are having. Why? What did I do? Why cancer three times? Is God mad at me.? We opened the Bible and read selected passages. I wrote a poem that helped me to get it.

I am the patient, not the caregiver. I am not in your shoes. But I will hold your hand.

gail

[Guest]

Shellie I am so sorry you are having such a tremendously tought time of it today. I hate this darn life with cancer too. It is exhausting and often all encompassing. HUGS to you bigger than the sky. Try doing something special for yourself tomorrow, you deserve a major break. I am praying extra hard for God to cut you some slack with a blessing or two...

[kimblanchard]

Shellie

I do know how you feel. I was diagnosed one week after your mom with SCLC, I did not plan my life this way. I think katie B said it best, what good are you going to be to your mom if you aren't there for her? Who will be there for her? You have to get a hold of yourself so that the stress does not make you really sick or put you in the hospital. Living with this disease is no fun, we have no control over it, it can control us. I think loss of control is the most frightening feeling in the world and it makes us feel hopeless and angry. You are feeling a lot of anger and pain right now and I think its good that you vent and let it out but try not to let it control your life. You have to be strong for your mom.

Bess B

[Carolsdaughter]

Shell,

I LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW I DO!!!!!

I have been in you shoes, the utter panic, fear, and uncontrolable sence of helplessness. Please my friend, do not waste your time and energy there. You MUST know that we are just mortals and therfore we can not contol this. We are NOT in charge here. Love your mom. Be there for her, she knows you and she will feel your pain and I know you don't want to add to her grief. Last week I saw the movie Bruce Almighty. I laughed, I cried, and was even a little offended at some parts. It had all of the elements to a perfect movie. In my vulenrable state I learned a great lesson form this movie. Hopefully not giving to much away to those who had not yet seen it, I learned that even though we think we know what we want, we don't see the whole picture We do not know all that God knows. He has the perfect plan for all of us.

Shell, I have seen you exercise great faith for many of us with your prayers. Please don't discount God's Love by saying that if it doesn't turn out the way you want then you will turn away from HIM. You mom has taught you right about who God IS. She has the faith and she would want nothing less for you. I think once you pray saying thy WILL be done and mean it, you will find the much needed peace you desire.

I say these things with pure intent, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

[Guest]

I KNOW exactly how you feel. It seems as each day passes, and my husband declines a little further, I feel so helpless. Me, the rock, am starting to feel so little control of my life. I do take anti-depressants and still feel this way. But I do feel a LITTLE better know that I'm not in this sinking boat alone. So we'll just have to grab a life preserver and hold on to each other!

Always hoping tomorrow's a better day!

Melanie

husband dx sclc 2/02 - remmission 8/02

10/2 back w/ mets to liver and bones

still hanging in there

[cathy]

Dear Sweet Shellie,

I know exactly how you feel, we all do. I remember having an episode one time after my dad got sick I cant explain it but I know it really scared me. I literally felt as though I lost my mind, it lasted for a day or so. I felt as though my mind left my body. I only told my husband and a very dear cousin about it. Ever since that day I told myself I would not let it happen again. My cousin said she loved me and didnt want me to get sick. You need to know there are people in your life that love and need you. I pray to God all the time to just give me the strength to help my dad get through this I ask the same question all the time also, I really just dont understand the suffering just as you. Try to talk with someone, I think you should really try the anti- depressants, they will take the edge off and help you cope some what. Please dont do anything rash!! You have to get those thoughts out of your head!! If you want to talk, and need to hear a human voice E-mail me. I'll send you my number. Please take care Shellie

[Don Wood]

Just a thought I had reading this sequence here. When we are in a negative funk, it might help if we can think of just one positive thing that has happened out of this cancer experience. Now I know that is a very tall order, and difficult to do, but it helps us put a little light in the darkness. One thing Lucie and I have discovered is that we are much closer to each other now than before the cancer, and we thought we were very close before. That knowledge of a deeper love keeps us going through many a dark time. Maybe it is a push to get us to do something important that we have been putting off because we will "get around to it", and now we know time is of the essence. I discovered that I could be a full-time caregiver for my wife, even though there are times when I doubt it, and both my wife and my daughter didn't think I, a man, could do it -- and they were almost right. I have discovered strength I did not know I had. Would I trade all that for her health? You betcha! But that is not the way it is, and we are called to do the best with what we do have. Tall order, yes, but doable. My sermon for Sunday. Don

[CamperJones]

Shelly -

Since this April my Mom was diagnosed with SCLC, two weeks later coded TWICE on my living room floor because of lack of oxygen, developed Nocardia (a VERY rare lung infection) and while in hospital had a stroke and seizures. She is having 32 radiation treatments and except for 10 days has been in the hospital, ICU, CCU, Rehab since April 3rd. She lives with me and my husband as well as my mother in law here in my home. She finally came home June 30th from the hospital using a walker and wheel chair and has 8 more radiation treatments left to go!

I understand completely your rage as I have felt it as well and the wonderful folks here understood. Cancer has taken your control away and you are now at IT'S beck and call. You are no longer proactive now you are reactive. You sound like me in that you see a problem and tackle it head on until it is solved and then move on to the next. Cancer doesn't like folks like us and we don't like it either. So, we beg God to fix the situation that we cannot fix and when it doesn't seem like He is doing the job we get angry and take over for Him because that is how we are - we are fixers. Mom's short but intense journey down this road of Cancer has been quite a journey for me. I cannot imagine my life without her and I was quite mad that God picked such a wonderful, loving, caring person like her to have cancer when there are so many better choices He could have made (like Sadam, etc). However, no matter how much my heart broke or my anger rose it didn't change the fact that my Mom has cancer. So, I made up my mind that I wouldn't waste one minute more raging at God over this or crying my heart out because that was time that could be better spent loving her and caring for her needs. I rolled up my sleeves, armed myself with information from here and other sites and funneled that anger into helping her learn more about her cancer and what can help her deal with her situation. For example - I learned that more cancer patients die from malnutrition than the actual disease so I made it a point to find healthy good food for her to eat. I TOOK BACK my life and hers from the cancer and now feel more in control than ever since she first was diagnosed. I know that God loves my Mom and me and while no one is promised tomorrow He has given us time to be together and to draw closer due to her cancer not inspite of it. So, I hope it helps you to know that we all have many emotions that we have felt but remember that your Mom is still here and probably would love you to hold her hand and just "be". You cannot fix this for her or yourself but you can take back control of the things you CAN control. Start there and soon you will start feeling stronger and more able to deal with it and she will become stronger through you. God is able to see you through this because He is able and SO ARE YOU!

God Bless you, Linda

[AdaW]

Dear Shelly,

I thought of you all day today. I worry about you when you write about feeling so down that you think of dying. That's not natural and I wish you would reach out and share these feelings with a professional. I don't want to lose you. Your friendship means something to me.

You asked how people with cancer can stand to live with the knowledge that they have cancer. Sometimes Shelly, it is unbearable. I've had to develop coping strategies, over time, in order to get through a lot of this.

But , you know, I still feel useful and that my life has a purpose. Instead of feeling like I've been forsaken by God, I feel like I have a new role to play. I have spent my entire professional career as an educator of adults and educating adults continues to be a main focus for me--this includes educating my oncologists about the human side of this disease.

I choose to think that I may be able to help people understand that there is grace, dignity, love, laughter and happiness even under some very dire circumstances in life.

Your challenge is figuring out how to get through all of this without losing yourself. I care about you very much and don't want you to be experiencing this pain. Please email me so we can exchange phone numbers to speak on the phone if you need to.

I know you are a very spiritual person, Shelly. Here is one of my favorite prayers. I hope this helps you to try to think about all of this in a different way.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light ;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive--

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Thinking of you and your dear Mother,

Ada

[Fay A.]

Shelly,

I want very much to be able to help you with this, but I don't know how.

All I can do is tell you that I care, and I wish for better days for all of you.

Fay A.

[norme]

MY DEAREST SHELLY,

I JUST FINISHED READING CHRISTINA'S POST TODAY AND THOUGHT NOTHING COULD GET WORSE THEN I READ YOURS.

I AM A GREAT BELIEVER THAT GOD PUT EACH OF US HERE ON EARTH FOR DIFFERENT REASONS. I KNOW NOW THAT MINE IS TO BE A CAREGIVER. I WENT THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH BACK IN 1972 AND 1973 WHEN BOTH MY MOM AND DAD PASSED AWAY 11 MONTHS APART WITH LC. IT WAS VERY HARD MAKING IT THROUGH EACH DAY WITH MOM THEN WITH DAD BUT SOMEONE HAS TO AND THAT SOMEONE IS YOU AND ME AND ALL THE OTHER CAREGIVERS ON THIS BOARD SO THAT THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THIS HORRIBLE ILLNESS HAVE SOMEONE THERE FOR THEM. SOMEONE WHOM THEY KNOW WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM THROUGH THIS TRYING TIME AND SOMEONE THAT WILL LOOK AFTER ALL THERE NEEDS. A PERSON GOING THROUGH LC DOESN'T NEED TO HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING OR ANYONE BUT THEMSELF SO CHIN UP AND MAYBE GOD PUT YOU HERE FOR THE SAME REASON AS HE DID ME.

SOMETHING THAT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO ME AT A TIME LIKE THIS IS WHEN I WAS TAKING CARE OF MY FATHER, A FEW HOURS BEFORE HE PASSED ON HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO BE WITH MY MOM AND THAT MADE HIM REALLY HAPPY. HE SAID HE HAD MISSED HER SO. SHE WAS HIS AND HE WAS HER'S. WE ARE ONLY THE OFFSPRINGS WHO NOW HAVE OURS AND WHO THROUGH THE HELP OF GOD CAN MAKE OUR LOVED ONES FEEL SAFE AND SECURE GOING THROUGH WHAT TIME THEY HAVE AND THAT TIME NO ONE BUT GOD KNOWS......SO ENJOY THE TIME YOU HAVE WITH YOUR MOM, AND SHE WITH YOU EVEN THOUGH SOMEDAYS ARE REALLY HE...... SOMEDAY WHEN YOU ARE OLDER YOU WILL LOOK BACK AND SMILE BECAUSE YOU WERE ABLE TO HELP HER THROUGH THIS EXTREMELY HARD TIME. GOD DIDN'T DIE ON THE CROSS FOR NOTHING I HOPE......LOVE

[LindaMRG]

To My Friend Shellie, (((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))))

You are singing to the choir - we KNOW!!! WE AGREE!!!!! Pray? All day. Novenas? Email me, I'll share 'em all. Is He listening? YES, HE IS! Someone told me once to look for the small miracles too. Sometimes we have to wait. Im praying that those scans come clean. I know then it will be easier to bear when the chemo makes her so ill.

I adore my father, I hear you. He hasnt even been able to get the chemo due to low blood counts because his bone marrow took such a beating with his two bouts with lymphoma. I will not give up praying. Next time his blood will be ready for chemo.

This man worked two jobs for twenty years. Yet, still always had time for us without complaint. He is quiet, kind, compassionate, religious, and the most unselfish man that walks this earth. He DOES NOT deserve this. Since you are a prayerful person, I'll share with you that I read once we should accept our sufferings as Jesus loving us enough to have us use our suffering for the souls of other people. Offer up her sufferings for people that need prayer. It gives this whole mess purpose. The way Jesus offered up His life for us. My father taught in Catholic school for 20 years. He gave me my faith. I know his suffering is saving souls. Offer up the waiting for results for those who need prayer. This is why my prayer that he be cancer free during his two lymphoma and one lung cancer biopsy couldnt be answered. God had other plans. Im just asking God to let him live to be an old man. He has work to do here too. Your mother does too. Mary and her mother St. Anne were special mothers too. Their intercession is powerful.

Please do not do anything to harm yourself. Your mother wouldnt want that. God doesnt want that. Please, please email me if you need to vent, if you would like my phone number I would be happy to talk to you. Youre not alone, my friend, far from it.

Much love coming your way.

[rayroy]

You have a right to feel upset and betrayed by god almighty. If his plan is to make his suffer, I don't want any part of him. Who knows? Just try to relax and take a deep breath. Things can get better and they do get better. Go ahead and vent and express your feelings I am with you!

[Cindy RN]

Here is an email story I received and had saved. Maybe this will help some who question 'WHY'-It may be long BUT very good.

Brenda was a young woman who was invited to go rock climbing. Although she was very scared, she went with her group to a tremendous granite cliff. In spite of her fear, she put on the gear, took a hold on the rope, and started up the face of that rock. Well, she got to a ledge where she could take a breather. As she was hanging on there, the safety rope snapped against Brenda's eye and knocked out her contact lens.Well, here she is, on a rock ledge, with hundreds of feet below her and hundreds of feet above her. Of course, she looked and looked and looked, hoping it had landed on the ledge, but it just wasn't there. Here she was, far from home, her sight now blurry. She was desperate and began to get upset, so she prayed to the Lord to help her to find it. When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but there was no contact lens to e found. She sat down, despondent, with the rest of the party, waiting for the rest of them to make it up the face of the cliff.

She looked out across range after range of mountains, thinking of that what the Bible says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the

whole earth." She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me." Finally, they walked down the trail to the bottom. At the bottom there was a new party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?" Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moveing slowly across the face of the rock, carrying it on it's back. Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a picture of an ant lugging that contact lens with the words, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You." I think it would probably do some of us good to occasionally say, "God, I don't know why you want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if you want me to carry it, I will." God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. Yes, I do love GOD. He is my source of existence and my savior. He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I am nothing, but with Him...I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)

[Laurie]

Shellie,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have felt many of the same feelings... You have to vent and thats what we are here for. I told my Mom that if she died I would die... and I really felt that way inside.. there are no words to explain how scarey that is... I don't blame you for being angry.. i wrote letters, bitched and ran around the block... try throwing eggs at the garage.. do something to get it out so it doesn't make you have headaches.. I wish i could help you.

I'm praying for you sister..

Laurie