Angry 7 Depressed

[Anniemac]

Guy, I need you opinion. I just found out a couple of days ago that Tim is smoking. I am going crazy!! I feel that we have everything going for us..the best doctors, he was able to have surgery and they were able to remove the tumor, follow-up chem will start soon..docs think there's a good chance for cure....and now this.

I don't feel I can stay and watch Tim get worse. If God decided that it was his time to go, then I would be right by his side. But I feel he is selfishly choosing to ruin our future together. He has patches, gum, Zyban...but won't use any of them because he wants the option to smoke.

A few days Tim felt he couldn't breath right-I called his onc and aske dif I should take him to emergency. Of course he didn't mention he was smoking again!!

I'm at my wits end. Our 20th anniversery is tomorrow and I told him yesterday that I didn't think I could live with him and watch him commit suicide.

Have any of you gone through this? Do I need a shrink?

Help

Annie

[kimblanchard]

Annie

I don't think you need a shrink, I think Tim does. I have lung cancer, I smoked, I wish I never did. I know the gum and patches and Zyban work, I used them and I stopped smoking a few years ago but it was too late for me, I still got this da_ _ lung cancer. I don't know what you can do with him but I would scream, threaten, etc. I would tell him his option to smoke is going to kill him and if thats what he wants then why get the chemo. I do not know him so I can just imagine what this is doing to you as his spouse. I think most of all I would pray for him to see the light.

Bess B

[Carolsdaughter]

Annie,

I have never smoked but my mom did for 40+ years. She didn't want the patch either. She would prefer her friend (ciggs) to be there for her and the patch would make her sick if she chose to smoke. It finially made a difference for her once the doctor told her she must wear it (the patch). At first her doctor didn't tell her to quit smoking he said that she was dealing with enough just with the diagnosis.

Never being a smoker myself, and basically despising it, I didn't understand the addiction. I felt that it was a habit and that she could quit a habit. Her wanting to smoke while she was in the hosp. (she didn't) that made a real impact on me. She was ADDICTED, the nicatine etc. and it had control over her body. For most of my life I had watched her light up almost like she was at one with her ciggs, a love affair of sorts. D--n those tabacco companies!!!!!!!!!

After mom's dx, dad gave up drinking and he used his loss of an addiction to show her she could conquer her own. It worked in her case but she knew that he was making a real sacrafice himself.

Best of Luck to the both of you, Shelly

[Debi]

Annie,

I'm sorry that you have to go through this and I imagine you must be extremely frustrated and angry.

I can only write from my own experience. I had surgery a few days after your husband and have written previously on the board how difficult it is for me to not smoke. I opted in the hospital not to have the patch so that I could detox while I was on all the meds and stuff. I didn't want to have to worry about the physical addiction once I got out.

I'm also a recovering alcoholic, having been sober for 21 years. Smoking is and has been, my hardest addiction to overcome. Even though I am physical detoxed, mentally it is a daily battle. I use all the tools of my past 12 step programs in order not to light up that damn cigarette. This includes lying to myself. I used to sit in the back of AA meetings, HATING the fact that I was there, and would promise myself that in 1 year, I would drink because I couldn't imagine life without drinking.

I have found it necessary to do the same thing with smoking. I have told myself that in 1 year I will smoke because I cannot imagine life without ever having another cigarette. I know that I'm lying to myself, because in 1 year I will not WANT to smoke, but for some reason it works for me...its like setting your bedroom clock 15 minutes faster than the rest of the clocks!

It gives me this mental peace..okay, today I'm not smoking..but I will smoke again some day because, above all, I cant imagine life without cigarettes. Sick, huh?? Damn cigarettes are going to kill me and I sit wistfully thinking of having one, not imagining life without this smoking wad of weeds in my mouth.... I would think that the proof of addiction couldn't be clearer. My doctor told me that there were different "levels" of nicotine addiction and that for some its as difficult as quitting heroin. That would be me! But I refuse to smoke...until next June of course!

I wanted to let you know my own experience since surgery with my smoking addiction. That said, as much as I understand and empathize with your husband's struggle, he has made a choice to continue in his addiction. You have not had the option of a choice and thats not really fair since you're around for the same ride. I don't have any advice or answers for you Annie..other than maybe alternative methods for Tim to quit with. Has he ever tried hypnotism? I know that has worked for some. I can't imagine that Tim is not annoyed with himself for smoking again...perhaps you can work together into finding an alternate way for him to quit? I also know they have smoking support groups...maybe that would be a way to go for him to get ideas to fight this. I wish you both the best of luck and I hope that Tim finds it in him to fight the fight!

Debi

[Anniemac]

Thanks for the support. I smoked for 20 years too, and quiting was the hardest thing I ever did. I used patches and hypnotism. I quit about 12 years ago and Tim has been good about not smoking in the house, but he always smoked in the car. I do understand how hard it is.

I guess what's so frustrating is the lack of control I have over any of this situation. The doctors control the surgery, the types of chemo-how much and when. Tim controls how he takes care of his body-whether he eats enough, sleeps enough, and smokes. I feel that the control of my destiny has been taken away.

As much as I try not to, I have a picture in my head of him being so sick that he's dying. In the hospital they would wheel people by us that are in the last stages and have days to live. It's hard to get that picture out of my mind. I try to banish it---got to have the positive attitude! Now it's harder to do. If it's God's plan for that ending, I will accept it. But to choose it--unacceptable!!

Annie

[AdaW]

Dear Annie,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. This is hard enough without the pressures that you are now under. Not everyone is able to get through this without a cigarette. I guess you are being asked to love unconditionally now, which is a very tall order. You are being asked to forgive human weakness--another tall order.

Take care dear. You are in my thoughts and prayers as is Tim.

Ada

[kimblanchard]

Annie,

I pray that Tim will realize what he is doing to himself. Stay strong. My prayers are also for you too.

Peg

[rinksgal]

I'm really sorry to hear what your going through. I smoked up until my boyfriend got lung cancer and even then it took me another month to actually quit. I did start smoking outside only, and made everyone else that came to the house to smoke outside if they wanted a ciggarette. But I finally quit June 10th. I smoked for 20 years and quitting was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!! But I just quit cold turkey and spent 1 whole day in bed on and off and part of another. Anytime I've tried to quit, I actually feel drugged!! I smoked 2 1/2 to 3 packs a day! In some ways they were my friend. I can relate to that. But I could no longer smoke and enjoy my ciggs the way I have always done in the past. My boyfriend had quit 4 years before he was diagnosed with NSCLC. (but of course I continued to smoke) "the guilt" in me is unbearable. I tell myself maybe he wouldn't of gotten it if I had quit when he did. But I guess we'll never know the answer to that one. But hes picked up rubbing now, which I worry about nicotine period!! Hes also a heavy drinker (at night only) and he always drinks at home. But I worry that hes gonna lessen his chances on being a survivor! I love him so much and I can understand where your coming from!! I hope Tim finally quits!! It has to be his choice though. Which I know it isn't easy for you to stand by and watch. I'm having a hard time with that one myself. Good Luck!!!!!!!!!

[norme]

ANNIE,

WE CAN ONLY CONTROL OURSELVES AND SOMETIMES WE CAN'T DO THAT VERY WELL.

SMOKING IS A HORRIBLE HABIT. I TOO SMOKED FOR 30 YEARS 2 TO 3 PKS A DAY. IF I SAW A SIGH THAT SAID NO SMOKING, I WOULD LITE UP ONE. I SMOKED THROUGH MY MOM AND DAD'S CANCERS. THAT CIGARETTE REALLY HAD ME LOCK STOCK AND BARRELL UNTIL I DECIDED I WASN'T ANY BETTER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON WHO DRANK, DRUGGED, ETC. WHEN I REALIZED I WAS REALLY HOOKED, I QUIT COLD TURKEY.

ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS WHO PASSED ON WITH LC SMOKED UP TO A FEW DAYS BEFORE SHE PASSED. HER HUSBAND WOULD BUY HER THE CIGS AND HER FAMILY WAS ALWAYS UPSET ABOUT THAT. WHAT WAS HE SUPPOSE TO DO, THAT IS WHAT SHE REALLY WANTED.

TIM HAS TO WANT TO STOP AND IF NOT, TELL HIM TO SMOKE OUTSIDE BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT SECOND HAND SMOKE IN YOU. IT'S HIS BODY, NOT YOURS.. NAGGING DON'T WORK AND NEVER WILL.... GOD BLESS.

[Guest]

Hi Annie,

Let me tell you my story. I smoked for 35 years and all of a sudden decided I didn't like to smoke anymore and just quite. I went on the patch for a week and then cold turkey. Not smoking has never bothered me at all. I don't ever think about it. This was almost five years ago.

My sister Evelyn who has just recovered from throat cancer was diognosed a little over two years ago. She also smoked. Her doctor didn't make her quite while she was going thru radiation because he said he didn't want to ad more stress to what was already stressful. Evelyn had a stage four tumor by the time we caught it. We have no insurance and don't go to doctors unless we are dieing. That is why it took so long toget to it. She had to endure two radiation treatments a day for seven weeks. The doctors were making bets she wouldn't make it but she did. The treatments left her unable to eat or swallow even water due to the radiation destroying her esophogus mussel and scare tissue. Anyway back to smoking. She kept smoking and smoking and smoking and I kept getting madder and madder and madder. Because everything I read said that smoking will cause the tumors to come back. Finally when we were at the cancer center I pulled her doctor to the side and said. Do you know that Evelyn is still smoking? He said no. He then pulled her out of the office and told her to quite smoking now. If she didn't, her tumor would come back. From that day on, she quite cold turkey and never smoked again.

That was two years ago. Now she has been diognosed with lung cancer. Supposidly it's not from her throat cancer which is suppose to be a good thing. Annie, have your husbands doctor talk to him. Tell his doctor that he is still smoking and he needs to have a serious talk with him. That might make him do what he should be doing. That made Evelyn quite.

I hope this helps.

Love and Blessings,

Pama

peincorp@aol.com

[MichelleZP]

I am a smoker and I tried my best to quit, but I am not ready. I sure hate it that I smoke seeing as how my husband has LC. I feel so guilty and so ashamed. I am 35 and my husband is 48, but I know age has nothing to do w/it. I sure can get LC and I sure hope I don't, yet I am having a cigarette right now as I type this. Gosh I am just plain ashamed. I don't smoke around my husband, and my husband quit when he was Dx.

If Bob would have opted to smoke during chemo, I don't know that I could have stayed around either. He can smoke now as treatment has stopped, but he chooses not to. I am SO PROUD of him!! His onc. told him it is up to him now if he wants to smoke or not and Bob said, "Why would I smoke? I quit over a year ago and I am still going to fight, even w/no more chemo/rad." GOOD FOR BOB. He coughs a lot and he would just be too sick to smoke he said.

I feel for you. I hope your husband chooses not to smoke.

Take care,

[Anniemac]

Thanks everybody. I was a smoker for 20 years and quit about 10 years ago. I know it's hard...I had to be hypnotized and have patches too. But I did it. Tim did stop smoking in the house, but would still smoke in the car--well he used to, he won't do it now.

The doctor has talked to him. He's still smoking about 4 cigarettes a day (or that's what he will admit to). When he does, he get congested and coughs for a while. The doctor has given him Zyban, tranqulizers, and nicotine inhalers. He has gum and patches here to use. What more can I do.

Now he has started to lie to me when I ask him if he has smoked. I guess he figures I can't smell it on him!! I try not to nag and we only talk about this a couple of times a week. I feel that he's an adult and can choose to live or die. Do I have to watch him do it??? This is driving me crazy.

Annie

[marta]

Annie,

I'm sorry to hear of your smoking dilemma.

When I read your post, my heart just sank. As I watch my mom fight cancer, and saw my grandma die at 61, I've been developing quite a bitter hatred for cigarettes. When I was younger, I begged my mom to quit smoking. I knew, somewhere deep down, they would be the cause of a lot of problems in my life. Then, i started smoking. Stupid me. I put myself at risk for NO REASON.

I smoked for seven years until my grandma, newly diagnosed (and newly retired, living in her newly built dream house near the water, and spending time with grandpa in her newly purchased boat) called from a hospital bed. She was in treatment and suffering from the complications. She asked if I was still smoking. At the time, the answer was yes. Thirty seconds later, the answer was no.

For me, I never had any desire to quit smoking on my own. And everyone says that a person has to want to change in order to change, but I disagree. It was RESPECT that made me put out my last cig. Respect for my grandma, who never saw me graduate from college. Respect for the life that she was getting ready to live. And respect for her suffering and pain.

I will never ever understand how her husband and three children stood outisde of her funeral and lit up. I will never ever ever believe that an addiction is strong enough to allow and entire family to disgrace a young life lost.

My friends and family still smoke. In two years, we lost a grandma and face the possibility of losing a mom. What infuriates me the most is the disrespect. Life with cancer is no fun. The anguish our families face is real and tragic. If nothing else, our respect for their lives should force us to walk away from the cigarettes and never look back.

Your situation is a tricky one and often times I believed that my mother couldn't possibly want to live if she continued to smoke. Because I am a former smoker too, I can understand that it is hard to quit. Katie B has offered the best advice so far.

Good luck to you

Laura

[Guest canuckwebgrrl]

I don't have the answers, but I'm very relieved that so many other families are facing these same issues.

My step-dad hasn't quit smoking since his diagnosis March 1. He was on the patch in the hospital, but still snuck out a couple times a day for a puff. He still smokes every day, a few a day.

My mother has not cut down at all, and still smokes in the house! She will not take it outside for me or anyone else. My sister & I both feel that if she had at least tried to quit, or cut down, or smoked outside, that my step-dad would not be smoking at all by now.

I quit the day he was diagnosed. I have smoked for 15 years, and I LOVE smoking. I tell myself that if I make it to 80 I'll start back up again! My sister had been a casual smoker, but quit over a year ago when she was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. My partner of 11 years is a heavy smoker and has a very addictive personality. He has tried the patch, cutting down # of cigs per day, but can't seem to quit. He NEVER smokes in the house or car (although we'll see when it's -30 in February).

I really want him to quit, but I realize that nagging will not make any difference. (I've tried though!) I know he has to make the decision to stop himself, but I also feel like Annie does and think I don't want to knowingly set myself up for losing my partner to this awful disease.

Like I said, I don't have any answers...I guess the only answer is not ever starting to begin with.