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I need to tell you guys something


Marlon

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As you guys know, my mom's one year anniversary from diagnosis was Sunday, July 6. Throughout this whole cancer thing, there's been all this crap going on in the background. I thought, great, my mom's better now, we can resume a normal life. But it's not looking like that.

We are on the verge of moving. My parents fell behind on the mortgage a few months and still owe taxes from last year. WHen she got sick it just hit the fan. The house has already been sold, and we must be out by the 31st. I was absolutely shellshocked when my mom(and stepdad) put the house on the market without even asking how I felt about it. My a-hole of a stepdad has made up his mind, he doesn't want to be responsible for my sister and I anymore. The most f*&$ed up thing is that he actually used to be a nice guy, until he got into that Amway crap. Then he started buying all these self-help books about being more assertive and taking charge( he used to be a quiet man). Even when my mom was close to dying, he was still going to all his stupid meetings and trying to recruit more people at Borders and what not. This guy is so determined to succeed in this piece of crap MLM. He is too feeble minded to realize it will never work. I was the one driving my mom to chemo for crying out loud! I cannot be the son and the husband at the same time. How do you put your dreams over your wife's health? Someone tell me that.

So the last 5 years have been hell and that is why my mom and I didnt get along. She supported him no matter what. Before she got sick she was doing Amway too. It took her coming within an inch of death before she finally admitted it doesnt work. She would entertain all his complaints, but whenever I complain about something that tees me off, she treats me like its all in my head(even til now!). My mom told me she wants it to be just us three, her, me and my sister. But since she had to stop working she is under his health insurance and he is a post office worker. I obviously cannot afford private insurance for her and my sister. When my best friend moved back from Florida, I took that as a good sign because my mom would be able to babysit his kid.

The last four weeks, weve been looking at townhouses. The realtor suggested that I get my own townhouse. But thats a huge responsibility for someone whose only 25 and not even married. My dad died in 1989 and when we bought the house in 1992 my mom put a huge down payment of 75,000, half the price of the house. My first stepdad(a-hole number 1) lived with us for 2.5 years before my mom finally admitted that it was a mistake. This guy couldnt hold a job for Sh%#, and on top of that he drank and smoked. In 1994, my mom finally kicked him out and divorced him and that was the end of the nightmare. So i thought. In 1996, right when I was starting college, she met my new stepdad, and that screwed up my college financial aid. I could have went to school for free basically. But since she married Dante, I had to take out a student loan for the last 2 years of school. And you know how she takes responsibility for it? She says, Its not my fault your schools so expensive." What came first people, the chicken or the egg?

So Needless to say I was pissed at her and told myself i would move out after I graduate. Then I bought a car(by myself like any new grad would do) and all the bills, school loan, etc started coming. I make a decent salary but with all my bills sometimes i barely make it to the next check. Then, last year before my mom got sick, this moron traded in my mom's perfectly fine Astro minivan that we've had for 10 years, for a Ford Expedition. He didnt even aske her about it, I just came home one day and it was in our driveway. Couple that with a mortgage, another car, and Amway, of course your gonna fall behind.

To be frank, she doesnt deserve all this help. Im sorry to say. But I saved her life, and the best she can do for me is selling the house? My childhood home I grew up in? I feel like Ive been cheated out of my social life. The only reason I stayed so long was because my sister was still young and I didnt want her to grow up bad.

Now that I look back at everything, I cant help but wonder whether I should have stayed. I also wonder whether my involvement changed the course of my life to something unfavorable. Im glad shes alive, I really am. But now I feel like all ive done is just postpone something inevitable. Now I think that maybe God was telling me back then to leave, in order to avoid all this. I was thinking that the reason why Ive had so much turmoil this far was because God was saving me for this event(the cancer) and I had to be there.

I'm sorry to sound so selfish. I dont know what to do. I dont want my sister living in an apartment, and I dont want my mom to stay with that guy but she has no choice. Now Im left with deciding on buying a townhouse or renting an apartment, but that would mean I wouldnt have a life because I would be broke. No wonder I have health problems now.

I hope that you guys dont think any less of me. I've done all I could and now I'm in a no-win situation. My family is breaking up, all because some di*5head has dreams of being a billionaire recruiting people to sell useless overpriced household products. And now that my mom is better, he wants her to accompany him to all his meetings. I would never wish death upon anymore, but I really hope that man dies, all by himself.

I dont even know what Im praying for anymore. Yea I saved my mom's life, but now we're losing our house, and breaking up the family. Ive pleaded with my mom and begged, all to no avail. Im starting to think that maybe its time to start thinking about myself first from now on. Maybe I should leave her in Gods hands from now on, but I know he will take her if I do. I feel so helpless. I wish I could sue that guy or win the lottery. Everything was fine until he started doing that Amway crap. Eveything WOULD be fine if he would just give it up, but he's in it for life. Before she got diagnosed, my mom was working 2 jobs to make up for his slack. AND she would go to all the meetings and come home at midnight to get 5 hours of sleep. No WONDER she got sick. I guarantee my mom would have never gotten sick if it werent for him. I had absolutely nothing to do with this crap, but she was treating me like I was irresponsible because I wasnt helping all that much. Im just starting off!

I feel like the last 10 years of my life have been an absolute waste. Please God, if you can hear this, help. I dont know if I can go on anymore.

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What a post!! I can tell that you are in serious pain, I am truely sorry. Families, especially stepfamilies can be a very difficult situation to deal with no matter what the situation but throw cancer into the mix and, well it is just so much more harder. You are stronger than you think, you have been there for your mom through her illness and you will be blessed because of it. Beware of the realtor, he may or may not be correct but you need to realize he wants a commission and will tell you you need a townhouse to get his money ( I am a Mortgage Underwriter ). An apt may be best at this time considering the situation you are in......even with the mortgage rates the way they are. It sounds like you love your mother and your little sister greatly. Look very hard for some insurance for your mom and also check out social services and any public health insurance options you may have, keep looking and research all your options. If your mom wants to be away from her current hubby then she should not be compelled to stay due to insurance. Financial situations are always difficult. Decisions about what you want as opposed to what you really, really need can be very difficult to make. Do you really need a $20,000 car to get from point A to point B or will a 10 year old toyota for $2,000.00 work just as well? Getting rid of your car payment may pay for the private insurance your mom needs. You are in a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong answer to what you need to do. Don't hesitate to ask for help. You also must figure out how to live YOUR life as well as being there for your mom. Maybe counseling will help, maybe your pastor can help. One thing that I have found is that you must ask for help, it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, to the contrary, people who do ask for help realize that they cannot handle situations on thier own and are strong enough to ask for help. Trust in God and he will show you the way. I will be praying for you and your mom.

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Dear Marlon,

I was wondering what happened to you. What a difficult situation you are in. I think the husband sounds totally selfish. Your mom needs to figure out exactly what she wants. If she wants to stay with her husband then I think its time you let go. Mom is a grown woman, she has to realize what this man is doing. Maybe selling the house is the best thing, as long as the husband doesnt touch the money. You need to move on Marlon, you need to think of yourself. . Dont rush into anything though..Wait until your not angry because we do things we regret when we're angry..I think you have been wonderful and very patient with everything that has happened to your family in the last year. Its time to take care of Marlon.

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Marlon, I'm glad you unloaded here because you have a lot of hurt and pain. You do need cousel, whether it is a pastor, a friend or professional help, because the person drowning in the pool can't see the big picture, and needs someone objective to help him look at the big picture. My prayers are with you, that you find what you need in all this, and be able help your sister and mom in the way you can. Blessings. Don

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Marlon,

My prayers are with you as you try to figure this whole mess out. The last 10 years of your life HAVE NOT been an absolute waste. You have been a wonderful son to your mother.

But you are not responsible for her. You can help her yes but it is her life and she has made her decisions. Now it is time for you to step back and take care of yourself. You need to do this so the next 10 years will be happy ones for YOU.

Blessings to you,

Peg

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If my mom had a choice, she would pick us over him. She told me. But her current health status would not be supported by my current financial status. This is all a result of all her bad decisions, no doubt, but I am at my wit's end and am tired of suffering the consequences of other people's bad decisions. Hopefully God understands that and does not punish me for doing what I have to do now.

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Geesh Marlon, I don't even know where to start. I am wondering if the house is your mother's? Is it in her name if it was your childhood home? If so, then then the funds need to be protected from the :twisted: stepdad. The proceeds would enable her to leave if she wished, or help you with a down payment on something.

Anyway, keep us posted. I always enjoy your posts and I hope my son will one day be as devoted to me.

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It is in both their names now because my mom refinanced when they got married. She was smart enough not to put my first stepdad's name on there. But with this new guy, she had to keep on taking out mortgages. Things all started falling apart when he started doing scAmway. He started paying less attention to the mortgage, so my mom went and got a second job. A few years and a life-threatening disease later, they're in debt and have to sell. And I'm the who's screwed. I hate it.

I should have moved out a long time ago.

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HI MARLON,

DON'T THINK I HAVE READ ANY OF YOUR POSTS BUT THIS ONE PROBABLY CAUGHT ME UP ON THE FAMILY.

YOU ARE 25, TIME TO MAKE YOUR OWN WAY IN LIFE. TIME TO LET GO OF THE APRON STRINGS.

YOUR MOM HAS ONE YEAR UNDER HER BELT AND THAT IS GREAT. WHAT SHE DOES OR DOES NOT DO WITH HER HUSBAND IS THEIR BUSINESS. IF I WERE STEPDAD I TOO WOULD SAY IT WAS TIME FOR A 25YR TO GET OUT ON HIS OWN. DON'T KNOW HOW OLD YOUR SISTER IS, MAYBE SHE ISN'T OLD ENOUGH TO BE ON HER OWN, OR MAYBE SHE CAN COME WITH YOU.... POSSIBLY YOU NEED TO LOOK INTO A PART TIME JOB ALONG WITH YOUR FULL TIME ONE TO PAY OFF WHAT YOU OWE AND GET A NEW START ON LIFE....YOUR MOM'S BUSINESS IS HERS AND YOUR STEPDAD'S IS HIS, - - NOT YOURS.......

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Marlon,

I have read your postings for quite some time (I read most of them on the old message board last fall), and while I don't think I ever responded before, I feel the need to respond now.

You are a quite a young man to have taken charge (and so successfully) of your mother's life-saving events of the last year. I commend you for that. But you are also way too young to be so bitter about your mother's marriage and the twists and turns brought on by her (and his) choices. I am a professional counselor and I sense that you need some counseling..... on acceptance primarily. You have your whole adult life ahead of you and so much to look forward to.... don't spend too much time looking backward.

Every day of our lives are filled with choices and we EACH must accept the consequences of those choices. You do, I do, and so does your mother. That doesn't mean that we cannot help loved ones and give our support, but we also don't have to take on everyone's problems and try to solve them.

Your stepdad has certainly had alot to do with fostering the bitterness within you, but I know the stress of the last year must have further compounded the problems. DON'T become a bitter man because of events far out of your control. Please seek help. Your happiness is so very important, even to your own mother I bet.

I wish you luck, and patience. I will look for more posts. If you would like to email me, please do so (I think you can do that through this message board, right?). Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

Jane

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I just wanted to stress that the only reason she is staying with him is because of health insurance. She would live with us if we could afford it. The Block Center does not take public aid, and we still have to buy her supplements every month or so to keep the cancer away.

I was thinking we would just get a townhouse and let her live with me. Then she could babysit my friend's kid and buy her own health insurance, but that would be a lot.

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Dear Marlon,

From reading your story it is very apparent that you are a very supportive, loving son who cares tremendously about his family. You have done so, so much for them. Now you should do something for you. You are very young and have your whole life ahead of you. A few years from now, this will not seem so difficult, but i know it is for you right now. Maybe a counselor could help you sort out the difficulties (financial, step problems, mom's illness) so you could work on each piece one at a time. Also, remember, you need to take some time for yourself. I am a Mom and I know i wouldn't want my daughter (23) to be so upset about so much. Parents want their children to form their own lives and, of course, still be there for them, but primarily, to be HAPPY. Please keep us posted and let us know what you decide. We care here, ya know! :wink:

Joanie

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Oh Marlon -

You have proven that you're mature beyond your years based on everything you've done for your mom through her illness. (I never knew you were so young.)

YOU are not accountable for your mom's choices! I'm not saying to just abandon her by any means, but you do need to put some distance between there. It may even make the jerk husband start taking care of her - why should he do it if you're right there doing it all the time....

Sorry it has to all be so difficult and that it basically comes down to who will be happy with whom based on finances - sad, but true.....

Hugs and prayers,

SandyS

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Marlon-

I understand your sense of responsibility for your mom as I'm going through the same feelings of responsibility. I'm trying to maintain my own life though and still take care of my mom. You can do both. I don't agree with everything my Dad is doing and feel he should be doing certain things for my mom, but I can't change him or the situation. I just have to learn how to react to it. My life has changed dramatically, but I'm still trying to go do the things I enjoy doing. Lately, I've been stressed about their finances but then I remind myself that the financial situation is their situation to deal with and I've got to stay out of it for my own sanity. Our parents have lived longer than us and have been through things too. They once lived life without us in it helping them, they were okay then...I have to remind myself that. If I were you, I'd stress over being a little broke and move into my own place...most people in their 20's and straight out of college are in debt..it kind of goes with the nostalgia of being in your 20's and comes with the territory. I'm still paying of student loans but I laugh at how I ate mac and cheese and top ramen for dinner back then. You can have roomates that can help get your mind off of things. Pick a place close to where your mother is so you can visit every day and be involved in her medical life. Marlon, you may miss out on the opportunity of starting your own life and family if you don't move out. 25 is an important age and I'm sure your mom doesn't want you to miss out on certain things. Don't forget to take care of you sometimes.

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I forgot to mention. My husband has insurance on his own (his company doesn't provide it and my insurance is way too expensive to add him on). He pays $157.00/month through Blue Cross. Maybe you can look into it for your mom if she wants independance from your step-dad. Also, I know you feel tied to the house, but interest rates are so good now that they might find that they can finance a house at a great rate, spread it out over a longer term and have more money a month. I'm trying my best to find words to relieve you from your stress, I hope it's working!

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Marlon,

Jane and Natalie's posts make a lot of sense. Re-read them. Try calling social services, they may be able to get some help on the health insurance issue. Also, if mom leaves your stepdad, she may be able to convert to her own policy fairly inexpensively.

At 25, you've had much to deal with already, but don't be so bitter. At 28, I held my fathers hand as he took his last breath. All of my trials went in to making me the person I am now. Nothing happens by coincidence. Every single thing that is happening to you needs to happen. Some day, many years from now, you will look back and see how everything has gone into shaping who you will have become.

One cannot know good witbout also knowing bad-everything is relative. Learn that the bad times will only make you more appreciative of the good times.

Good luck and be well.

Rocco

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Hey guys,

Thanks for all the replies, really. I got a few interesting messages yesterday. Let it be known that I have no intention of harming myself or anything like that. What I meant was, I'm obviously gonna have to start putting myself first, and I hope that God doesn't see that as an act of selfishness. I've been anything but selfish over the last year, and either decision, living with my mom or getting my own place, comes with a price. It just tees me off that it had to be this way. I know plenty of step-families who get along well, sometimes even better than traditional nuclear families. And they are satisfied just working normal 40-hour- week jobs.

Everyone has their own personal relationship with God and only they really know whats going on. Depeche Mode made a song about it. Sometimes I feel like the most unlucky person in the world. And I wonder why God chooses to give me a life filled with turmoil when it compromises my relationship with Him. I have relatives that don't even go to church, yet don't have nearly as much drama. Maybe my mom brought this creep into our lives, but she was just the vehicle. I agree there are no coincidences, that's why I'm still here. What I do not understand is why God wanted him here. Why does my relationship with God have to be about him teaching me lessons? There are other ways besides life-threatening illness to get his point across, no? Not to sound selfish or superstitious, but I pray everyday that all this misfortune be lifted from our lives, because we seem to have an extraordinary amount of it. I hope thats not too much to ask. Please pray that God takes it easy on us from now on.

Maybe I'm just too philosophical for my own good.

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Marlon,

I can tell how much hurt and frustration you are feeling through your post. It is really unfortunate your family is going through this.

I am also not a big fan of Amway, as my parents dabbled in it a bit in the 80's. Luckily it didn't take them long to figure out that there was no possibilities of success through it. As people get older, especially if they are not financially set, the vulnerability to get rich quick schemes increases as fears of retirement approach. I actually feel a bit sorry for your step dad, as he sounds like someone who you considered a decent loving man, but now is consumed with his insecurities and fears. I can't imagine being at that age with no feeling of security and financial stability.

Also unfortunate, is that once schemes like this get set, the only person who can convince him that it is not going to work is himself. And the deeper you get, the more you feel invested and that it is impossible to get out until you've had a chance to gain back some of what you've put in. It's a vicious circle.

At 25, you have the benefit of being able to learn from your step dad, and take care of yourself. You need to get on with your life and do things to take care of yourself so that you aren't in a position where you are 50 and homeless relying on your family for support. You are just starting out.

This also means that you can't take on the responsibility for your whole family. You need to make decisions based on a balance between what you want to be involved in, and what you realistically can be.

Also, as far as your mother wanting to leave your step-father but not having insurance, if she does file for divorce from him, you may be able to claim her as an adult dependant under your health insurance policy through work. Most health insurance has coverage for dependants which not only includes your children, but if you are providing care of a dependant parent. I know they have this in WI. With this however, your mother would have to go under you as a dependant in all aspects, including taxes. It means she can not file her own independant tax returns, and it might also have limitations depending on her income. It might be worth looking into.

Will be praying for you

Carleen

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Guest Leeanne

Hello,

I would like to reply to the last message...not to be confrontational, seriously, that is not my intent, but Marlon DID save his mother's life (spiritual beliefs and fate and God's will aside) Marlon went above and beyond anything I have seen anyone do in order to find some way to get the treatment for his mother that did, in fact, keep her here. If you haven't read any of his other posts, please do...he is brilliant and articulate and was driven to succeed in his quest and he did. He is an inspiration. Really. Also, Marlon was willing to help anyone who found themselves in situations similar to his Mother.

I guess I am writing this because although I don't know Marlon personally, I think he is remarkable and I wouldn't want him to feel, well, anything but proud of what he has done.

Marlon, I wish I knew how to help you...you said you would do anything you could to help me in my quest to save my Father...I will do anything I can to help you now. I am Canadian and not familiar with the way life works (insurance,finances) in the States but I will definitely listen if you need to talk and, God, if there is anything I can do I will.

I wish I knew what to say. You DO NOT deserve what you are going through now, why it seems that the ones who help so much never get a break is beyond me. 'They' say that God never gives you more than you can handle...I wonder if you say to God..."Hey. God. Can't cope with this one...I give" if He would say, "sigh, ok"

...Like that game you used to play as a kid where someone would bend your hand backwards until you said "Mercy" and then they would let you go.

I wish I could give you some solution, or peace of mind Marlon. I can tell you that you inspired me NOT to give up in my pusuit to help my Father and although he is gone, THAT made all the difference in how I am dealing with my grief now.

Thank you Marlon,

Lee-Anne

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Marlon, we are here for you and please vent anytime. I'm 30 and an only child dealing with this and my Dad is not the best caregiver I would want for my mom and I get really frustrated with him. Sometimes I want to scream at him and do, then we get into a fight and the situation gets worse. I understand quite a bit what you are going through...you love your mom tremendously and will do anything for her.

Yesterday my mom and I were sitting next to one another outside and she looked at me, called me her baby and ran her fingers through my hair for about 5 minutes. She hasn't done that to me since I was 10 years old and sick with strep throat. At that moment, I wanted to be the child. I wanted to curl up and lay my head on her and call her mommy like I did when I was a kid. I wanted her to take care of me. It hurts so bad. I love her so much. I want to protect her from anyone that is going to bring her down or hurt her. I take my anger out on anyone that doesn't bring out 100% positivity to my mom.

Leanne, you had perfect words for Marlon. Marlon, you have answered my posts too with information and I appreciate your support and now I'd like to reciprocate. Please email me anytime.

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