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Thinking of you today, Curtisg

Fay A.

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Thanks for the well-wishes.

I had a very good day today. I think having such a nice Valentine's Day last year with Becky - it was a Saturday, I think, and we just had the most peaceful day. We went to the zoo in Tyler with Katie - same one as this picture but a different day. But it reclaimed Valentines for me a little bit after the terrible day of the surgery two years ago.

Today I had a call from my church. Which isn't unusual. We run a day center for the homeless, and a couple of times they have called me to use my accounting expertise to help some of the men out. But today they called because they wanted me to talk to a man who had lost his wife about a month ago. He was homeless, and so very alone, and we talked for over an hour today. Some of it made no sense - he claimed to be an Orthodox priest who did battle with demons and witches and who could prophecy and see the spirits around us.

The funny thing is over the course of the conversation, with some silly stuff coming out, he did say some things about the feminine presence with me. Saw that she was brunette, which was no big deal, but then saw she had green eyes, which was a heck of a guess, the rational part of my brain said. And he said she was here with me picking out my next wife, and that she approved of the woman I have been dating. Which was weird, since I hadn't mentioned that bit at all.

And so I had a little comfort for myself. Mainly, I was able to give this man who is so alone some company. And probably his prophecies were good guesses. But it comforted me anyway, and comfort is sometimes elusive.

I have been doing much better, especially since the first of the year. I have a better sense of what I can safely let go of than ever before. For a long time, I held on to every connection to Becky I could possibly find, but not so much anymore. That is one of the reasons I rarely post here anymore. I find my life isn't much about cancer these days. And I have realized that all the connection I will ever need to Becky is contained in the blonde-headed girl sleeping a few feet from here.

I have been dating an amazing woman from Austin for the last month or so. We met online at the young widow's bulletin board. Her husband died of kidney cancer almost four years ago, and she has a son almost exactly a year younger than Katie. The emotional connection we have is staggering; she has insights into me I didn't into myself, which is very unusual. My mother and Becky are the only two others I could say the same thing about. Will this be forever? Who knows? One thing I have found out dating as a single dad is that it is much tougher than when we had no commitments. If it were just the two of us, without the kids and the life situations we were in, Alisa and I would still be dating, I am almost certain. But whatever happens, this is going to be a wonderful relationship for us.

So Kelly cooked me dinner tonight for Valentine's Day. It was the first time I had been to her house, and it is lovely. I guess the biggest realization of the last two months or so is that I would have very happily remained married to Becky for the rest of my life. But she isn't here. After I found out about her degree a few weeks ago, I went to the chapel where we were married to tell her about it. And I talked to her out loud for the first time in many months, probably since May. And as I did so, I realized that she couldn't hear me the way I needed to be heard. And that just emphasized that she couldn't love me the way that I need to be loved. And even more importantly, I can't love her the way I need to love.

That was way more of an update than I intended when I started. Thanks again for the well-wishes. I do drop by and read from time to time, but I find I am posting less and less, and that will probably continue.



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Curtis, you have such a way of making the reader actually feel your emotions. I think you are in the wrong field - you shouldn't do your work with numbers but with words.

If you can bear at all to visit with us every now and then please do. I am glad that your life is less and less about cancer, but some of us - or perhaps many of us - need to hear your words when you are up to showing your thoughts.


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