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My mom: stage IV


autumn972

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Hi everybody. This is my second attempt at posting here, because I guess my first post was on the "test" website or something like that.

My mom (58 years old, smoker, alcoholic) was diagnosed last week with NSCLC stage IV, which spread from her right lung to her left to her lymph nodes to her liver. She starts chemo today (Wednesday, Feb. 16) for palliative care.

About me: 27, living with significant other 3 hours away from mom and dad, in between jobs and not driving the best car in the world. I feel horrible every time I make a decision, whether it's to go back home or to stay here and continue my job search.

My family: dad, 61 years old (also a smoker) and sister, 33, who I am very grateful for. She lives closer to mom and dad and has been working so hard balancing her job and taking time off to be with mom and go with her to her appointments. My dad has taken a lot of time off of work to be with mom and go with her as well, but my sister is the more "take charge, ask questions and take notes" type of person out of all of us. I just heard the words "this will not be a cure" last Friday and have gone pretty much numb ever since with episodes of freaking out and bawling.

Anyway...I'm glad to have found this site. It helps a little to know that there are a lot of other people out there that are going through the same thing, as unfortunate as that is.

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Welcome to our support family.There are many knowing and caring people here.Just about anything that comes along in this journey for you and your mom and dad and sisiter,there is usually always someone here that has been there and done it & can offer answers and support for you.

As you read the others posts also read their signatures (at the bottom of post) and you will notice there are many survivors of all stages here and many are doing well.

Your mom's upcoming treatments will be hard for her at times but they are doable.

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Welcome, autumn972. First, we have all heard "not a cure" -- it is a standard disclaimer with lung cancer. No one, not even the doctors, know how long each of us has. We learn to live with the uncertainty. My wife is also Stage IV (see below) and she is 28 months from diagnosis and still going. Hang in there. Plenty of hope. Don

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wait for the doctors to plan her treatment course, then get informed and get yourself to a doctor for anxiety medication. Its just to get you through this first few weeks until the shock and fear calms down.

there is treatment available that works. But your mom must quit smoking and start to fight herself. You can't feel guilty about being away, it will do you more harm that anything else.

pitch in when you can and do what you can when your there.

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Hi, Autumn:

I think Don said it well; none of us know how long we have, either because of lung cancer or other cancers or diseases; the doctors have the ability to go with odds, but they don't know; only our Lord the Savior knows and He can heal your Mom or any of us if it is His Will and we pray that it is. I think prayer will help your Mom and help you cope. I have cancer and am having a terrible time dealing with it, but prayer gives me some peace.

Your Mom needs to follow the doctor's orders and take her treatments, and it is good your sister helps.

Autumn, I am so sorry for your pain and with your problems of job hunting, etc., that makes it doubly hard.

We are here for you and come and let your grief out and we will do our best to support you for yourself and your Mom and family.

Barb

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Thanks to your posts. My mom has (albeit unwillingly) quit smoking and drinking since December 7th, 2004. That's when she was first admitted to the hospital for severe pneumonia (the doctor said she almost died then). After about 7 to 10 days there, she was transferred to a mental hospital in hopes that we could check her into rehab for her alcoholism and probable depression. The mental hospital, however, couldn't treat her because my mom has developed very bad memory (especially short term) problems and can't remember what she's talked about or who has come to see her or when, etc.

Since then, she has been in an assisted living facility and, after two months, we finally got her into a PET scan which revealed the cancer. She's been on antidepressants, vitamins and antibiotics this whole time and seems in better spirits since the start of all this, but she still has very bad memory issues and is often too weak to even get out of her bed or chair. She's always been very stubborn, but she hasn't ever seemed to want to fight for her own survival. So I'm bracing myself for anything.

I hope it's okay that I'm continuing to post this in here. Should I be putting it somewhere else?

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Autumn,

I have a suggestion regarding being three hours away and seeking a job while your sister is "balancing" her job and Mom's issues - give your sister a hand. I understand needing to find a job and job searching, but you are in charge of your schedule while doing that. You could discuss it with your sister so at the beginning of the week until Wednesday afternoon or Thursday morning, you are seeking a job where you live. After the discussed point, you would drive three hours to take care of things with your parents while your sister went to work. Try to plan doctor appointments on Wednesday/Thursday when you can both (the sisters) be there to hear what is said.

You need to find a job, your sister needs to keep hers. Too much juggling leads to questions by supervision (I've played this game)...try to give your sister time that she can concentrate on her job and not how she has to leave "right at 5" to get somewhere to line up her evening hours, etc.

I hope that whatever is decided, the journey is smooth and easy on Mom and as easy as can be on those closest to her.

Becky

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Autumn,

Sorry you have to be here, but I want to welcome you and let you know that there are many caring people here willing to lend an ear and help in any way they can. There is a lot of information at this site also, as well as some very knowledgeable members. It is a big help to be among folks that understand and have experience. My prayers to you and your family.

Sue

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Autumn,

You have multiple issues going on here. I just cannot imagine how desperate and helpless you must be feeling.

It is probably not a surprise to you that Mom is an alcoholic. The family is usually the first to know and the alcoholic the last.

Couple her detox state with no treatment for her alcoholism and it is no wonder her short term memory is for beans and she is having a time of it fighting for her life. I think if I were her, I would welcome death myself. She absolutely has no coping skills for what has been behind her and what is in front of her.

Has she or someone in the family reached out to an organization like Alcoholics Anonymous? Some of their members may come to her to help her along the way.

Your plate is over-flowing, no doubt.

I am so sorry for all this confusion and pain.

Cindi o'h

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Cindy, I kind of agree with you about my mom and her coping skills. None of us have looked into any A.A. type progams yet (mom isn't really much of a candidate for talk therapy if she can't remember what was discussed, I would think) but I am looking into local mental health facilities for at least some sort of therapy.

Well, one small bit of good news. She had her bone scan last monday and it came back fine. That's something, at least.

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Well, she's had multiple CT scans and a PET scan. I can't remember if she's had an MRI of her brain. They talked about it for a long time, but maybe the PET scan was enough. At any rate, they said her brain looks fine. So far, they've just said that most of her memory problem is damage due to the years of drinking.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Autumn -

How do they know that "her brain looks fine" a PET does not pick up the brain, did they do CT scan of her brain? If not I would have them immediately have them do a brain MRI. My father was an alcoholic and he did not have memory loss, he liked to sometimes act like he didn''t remember a specific night but that wasn;t the same. I have Brain mets and have alot of short term memory loss.

Keep us posted on how she is doing.

Carrie

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I was under the impression that the PET picked up the entire body and showed "hot spots." I know they've done at least one or more CT scan of her brain and at least one or two of her chest. The initial CT scan of her brain showed a "fogginess" that they said was due to alcohol-induced dementia. We are thinking that at least part of that was also due to the certain chemicals that are sometimes released from end-stage cancer.

New note: Mom's second chemo treatment went badly. She apparently had an allergic reaction and they had to stop. I guess they will be changing or at least modifying the meds for her third treatment tomorrow.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Autumn,

Boy do I remember those words "this is not a cure". That really ticked me off. Maybe that's why I fight so hard. I've always been the type of person who when told, "you can't" - I'm going to find a way! Welcome to our little world. Sorry for your need to be here but I'm sure you'll find it quite helpful. I sure have. Sharing our strengths & weaknesses makes us that much more able to deal with whatever seems to get tossed our way. Sometimes, one little sentence I'll read on this site will sustain me for days. Just do everything you can to keep a postivie outlook.

May God bless you & your Family,

Hugs & prayers,

Melanie

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