Wendy Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 I am curious to see if others have a similar experience as I am having right now. I completed surgery/chemo/radiation last fall, and recently had surgery to fix my throat from damage done during surgery. It has almost been a year since I was diagnosed. During it all, my husband has been a godsend. He was there for me every step of the way. He was a rock emotionally, and really took over everything I did while I was so sick. He even learned how to take over the finances (a big accomplishment since I am an accountant geek!). My problem is that now that things are finally slowing down and the massive chaos has subsided, he is really starting to struggle emotionally. I almost think of it as a meltdown of sorts. Little things are really big to him - he even got mad because I didn't park the car in the garage straight. I truly think it is after effects from being so strong during everything. I have him convinced to try counseling but I am at such a loss how else to help him. He was so strong for me, yet now I feel like I am letting him down by not knowing how to make it better for him. Geez this crap sucks! Anyone that's been there have any advise? Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 Wendy, Call your local ACS (American Cancer Society) and arrange for a counseling session for the both of you, together. It may be the only session you ever need, or it may lead to more. Treat him gently - not like a baby, but gently. Let a pro work out what he needs, and be there to support him. Take care, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tnmynatt Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 Wendy, I can relate. I am very strong during times of crisis with Charlie. In between times is when I have a tendency to fall apart. I have been in counseling all along. It has been very helpful for me. I sometimes look ahead and get depressed at the thought of living without Charlie. I think what your husband and I are going through is normal. I just feel helpless and in limbo all the time. Don't know if this all makes sense. But, it is from my heart. Take care fellow accountant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 I was the caregiver. For so much of the time I was supporting my husband and he had no energy etc to spare - but when he thought of it, it meant so much to me when out of the blue he would say something like - you look nice today or a "well done" on some project I was doing. And I know he was just saying it, trying to be supportive back, ha. But it still meant a lot. Maybe he has to have his meltdown to get it out? Let him get it out and in response, give him a hug instead of a reaction. Part of his frustration could be that he tries so hard yet can't protect his wife from everything. I don't have an answer but the usual ones would be see a doctor for an anti-depressant, joint counselling, maybe arrange some sort of vacation from all the struggles like a hobby or a trip? Some little space where things could be easy for him even just for a couple of hours. I am sure others will have more to help. Bless you for your kindness. Margaret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patut Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 Don't forget that most of us go through stages of 'grief' even if you're a caregiver. A couple of the stages include disbelief and anger. It's o.k. and usually resolves after a time. Also, some folks (like me) don't want to go to a councellor but prefer to read self help articles and books. I'd say to allow him his times and remember not to take it personally. He's not angry with you, just the circumstances you guys are in. My best , Cyndy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 I was a caregiver and I can definitely relate to what your husband is going through right now. Caregivers have to be a "rock" and sometimes we're not cut out to be that strong. Although we appear to be able to handle everything, we are often falling completely apart on the inside. We're terrified to imagine life without our loved one so we fight like hell to keep them alive and to take as much worry as possible off their shoulders. There are times that we become so tense and worried that it takes only the slightest thing to set us off. Maybe your husband needs someone to talk to that has been through this maze. Remember, he has to be strong for you so maybe he can't open up and discuss his innermost fears with you. Everyone, even men, need to talk through this and let it go. It's often hard for men, as they have been taught that men are strong and can handle everything.....NOT SO!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Your husband is probably at "burn out" from all the demands of life right now. But he can recover. As I have said, caregivers of cancer patients or any other life-threatening illness, all of a sudden find themselves having to run a three-ring circus: (1) caring for and being an advocate for the patient, (2) doing all the things he/she would normally do and (3) now doing things the patient used to do but can't now. We all need support in this. Things I have done to prevent going crazy: Have someone I can talk with one-on-one on a regular basis, where I can safely sound off in confidentiality. Have a support group to go to on a regular basis. Take breaks for myself (walk in the park, workout at the gym, crossword puzzles, eating out alone or with a friend, etc.). Being here on this website and participating regularly. Going on a small trip and doing some fun things. The caregiver has to learn to take care of him/herself as well as the care receiver. If the heart is to do its job of pumping blood to the whole body, it must first take care of itself by pumping blood to itself. Hang in there. Love, hope and faith can get you through. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendy Posted February 26, 2005 Author Share Posted February 26, 2005 Thanks much for everyone's insight. Your thoughts really are appreciated! Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaL Posted February 26, 2005 Share Posted February 26, 2005 Wendy, I, too have gone through some rough times as a caregiver. Make sure your husband gets a physical. What I thought was stress, turned out to be a health problem, that was easily corrected with a pill (low thyroid). I also hired a caregiver for myself! A mom from the neighborhood helps with such things as the laundry, grocery shopping, and errands. It has made all the difference in the world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendy Posted February 27, 2005 Author Share Posted February 27, 2005 Thanks Jean, I hadn't really thought about my hubby getting a physical but that is a great point. You never know if it is medical or psychological. Definetly shouldn't overlook this aspect of it. What a great idea to hire someone to help out. That would definetly help eliminate the constant "to-do" lists that are never ending. Take care, Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peggyoh Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 My husband is in 4th week of radiation 5x week and chemo 1x week. He is getting very angry with me and yells a lot. It makes me cry. I have been with him thru 3 surgeries in the last 4 months, drive him to all appointments. Push him in his wheel chair and/or bring his walker to him. Yesterday I requested info from doc about diet since he has severe diahrea (sp?). I don't expect a lot a gratitude, but then I don't like being treated like ????? I wish I could just up and leave. Sorry about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Peggy, I would suggest you just do that, up and leave. Not permanently, just an afternoon at the spa or a weekend with a friend...take some time away for yourself, empty the crap out of your thoughts and give yourself time to think of JUST YOU. No cancer, no surgery, no medications, no yelling, no crying, JUST YOU and what you want to do...lock yourself up in a hotel room for a couple of days with a good book, needlework, something you enjoy and have it set up so someone else looks after your charge for that time. You will appreciate the time you had to yourself, and having had someone else taking care of him, your charge will appreciate YOU more, as well. Win-win, right? Take care, you are not alone, you are not "evil" and you are worth helping yourself. Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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