father dying soon, can you offer any words here? thank you s

[kimblanchard]

hi everyone, I would be so thankful for anyone who can write to me with any words to help during this very ery very difficult time here with my father who i so love who is suffering and I feeling helpless.............

dad is sleeping most of the time and saying some things, most of which I cannot understand. this hurts me as I want to HEAR him but often it's so mumbled i do not know what it is. he also says things like "I'm going to die soon," and "I can't die today, social security" (I think he thinks that if he lives

until March 1 that we will get his social security check? he's funny.

He also says some things like "split me in half," "cut off my legs" which is disturbing to me as i don't know exactly how to interpret this language of his now that he's so so so very ill. I don't know what to do when he gives me a command and I do not know what he wants so usually i just take his hands and move him and this seems to quiet him down. we are getting oxygen today as he said earlier

that he couldn't breathe but now he is breathing okay.

he moves around restlessly a bit, he gets up, sits up (with help of course) minutes later he lies down, he turns (with help) and he is just not very happy at all. his feet and hands are still pink; do feet and hands always turn blue before someone dies from a long terminal illness like this? i keep looking at his feet and hands and thinking, he'll be around for a while. of course a part of me will always want him breathing but a larger piece of my heart just wants peace and comfort for him now.

i don't want to take away his "consciousness" with a drug especailly since i'm not sure i can get his permission but I do want to help his suffering, whether physical or mental. about morphine, i wonder if this interferes with consciousness or not or just gives a good feeling while letting the person still talk, if they are able.

now he is saying, ow. i feel so helpless. my darling fianace ERIC LAKE is an ANGEL SAINT OF HEAVEN and he has been here with me and my father LOVES him. Eric has been so extraordinarily helpful to me and to my dad and my dad is so comfortable with him that my dad is so sad that Eric has to leave tonight to go back to Washington DC. It makes me feel so happy though that my dad so loves the man i love so

[Don Wood]

Good of you to share your thoughts here. You do not say what medications your dad might be taking. Some of them can cause hallucinations or dreaming and your dad may not be able to distinguish that from reality. People suffering a threatening disease tend to fade in and out, and say nonsensical things. Take heart.

Morphine, if taken at a level just to cover the pain, may not impair function. My wife is on a low dose of time-release morphine, and she is alert and functioning.

Hang in there. Don

[cindi o'h]

Hi Lori.

God bless you, dear. I don't have any words of wisdom here for you. When my brother was in the last weeks and especially days of his life, he, too was talking out of his head. It is hard to know what is going on in there. I don't have the experience. I hope that there will be someone soon who can help you. I am wondering if you have any medicals involved in his care right now? You don't mention that. They are people who are dedicated to helping others to have a pain free (mental/physical) death. They have studied and are experienced in the dying process. If there isn't someone there with you now, would you consider calling your dad's doc or nurse to see what is available to help your dad and you?

I just hope someone else in our little community here will be able to help you with what is at hand for you.

Yours,

Cindi o'h

[SJAS]

Lori,

I know we all wish we had some magic potion to help your dad and you. I want to send prayers and hugs. Thank goodness you have a human angel by your side. Such a comforting thought to know that your dad thinks so highly of him. You will be in my thoughts. Keep coming to the site; you'll have lots of people surrounding you with love here.

[kimblanchard]

thank you both so very much for writing. dad is sleeping comfortably now with little agitation, we gave him some darvocet. so far he has complained of no pain and so we held off with meds until he needed it as we didn't want to medicate him without need. so these things that he was saying are without medication! it makes me sad that I cannot understand but since giving him the darvocet he has been much quieter and that gives us all some relief..... my heart goes out to the both of you and thank you so much for writing. hospice is involved but not as present as i'd like somehow and i've had little social work support for myself during this long and sad process. thank goodness for online support, lori

[Ry]

All hospices are not created equal...if you don't think you are getting what you need then you need to complain or switch hospice programs. It is the hospice's job to make him comfortable and to be there for the family If your dad is not getting a lot of fluid in him he may be dehydrated which will also cause the confusion. I am so very sorry for what you are going through.

[Andrea B.]

Dear Lori,

I am so sorry to hear about all your father, you and your family are going through. I remember that helpless feeling all too well. I am not sure where the cancer is present in your father, but my mom's had spread to her liver which in the end caused her severe confusion, due to encyphalophathy. We called in hospice to help manage her pain and make her more comfortable. She would talk incoherent quite often and also talked of a lot of pain. She was kept very comfortable on a morphine patch as well as liquid morphine, if needed. My mom had a bad reaction to Ativan, so we ruled out any anti-anxiety medication.

I believe that you should seek help elsewhere if hospice is not providing the needed relief. The local hospice we used helped immeasurably!

I remember too, the moments of wanting her to just keep breathing forever and wanting her pain and suffering to end. It is a painful time and my heart goes out to you. Feel free to PM if you have questions or need support.

Blessings to you!

[stand4hope]

Dear Lori,

I understand your feelings of helplessness. My dad was on a ventilator and wasn't able to use the talking device. At first, he could write us notes, but as his health deterioriated, he was too weak to hold the pen and would try to "mouth" what he wanted or wanted to say. Most of the time we couldn't understand him and it was very frustrating for him and for us. One time, he got big tears in his eyes because he couldn't communicate.

Toward the end, he would look around the room and point, would point to the ceiling, and sometimes frown and sometimes grin. We, too, couldn't communicate with him, so I know how frustrating it is. As he got worse, he was put on morphine and atavan. Morphine helped take away pain and his feeling of breathlessness, and the atavan worked for the agitation.

Please don't worry about giving your dad meds, even if he needs a lot of them. It is so important for him to be comfortable and have quiet, not restless dreams. The ventilator was removed, and as my dad was passing, he was given morphine every 15 minutes. He died 45 minutes later, peacefully and without pain.

I wish this for your dad that I know you love with all your heart.

Love,

Peggy

[rosegarden]

Hi Lori,

My heart goes out to you. Being there for your dad is so important. God bless you for being there. In Hospice the main goal is comfort, so make sure your dad is as comfortable as possible.

As for the more direct question about hands and feet, here is my direct answer: I was with my mom 24 hours before she died and her hands and feet were still quite warm. Her breathing was rhythmic but not agitated. Everyone is different.

I also completely understand and sympathise with your wanting to keep your dad alive but at the same time wishing him the comfort of passing.

My mother was not able to communicate well for about a week before she died. She could hear us, and she knew we were there . . . I know this because although she could not talk, or even move towards the end, she responded to us.

[kimblanchard]

I am sorry you have to go through this but you are not alone. There is a whole community of support - in many ways - right here. These are just my opinions or experiences, may or may not be true for you. 1. Call hospice as much as you want, to ask questions, or if you have doubts ask someone to come out and check on him. 2. Give as much pain med as he needs, the confusion may have nothing to do with that, even if it does, wouldn't you rather have the meds? 3. My husband passed away recently. *** some may not want to read this if you don't want a few details. Scroll down if you want to read it.

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.For Ms. Lemby - I will say this as gently as I can. It was obvious to us that the end was near, confusion, weakness, everything slowing down, eating, voiding, for the last week or so. No discoloration of the limbs was present until the very end, the last few minutes. On the last day, his blood pressure started dropping, eating and voiding almost completely stopped. When it was his time, it was an obvious change, anyone could tell it was time, and he was gone in less than an hour. He didn't suffer.

try this website www.crossingthecreek.com

But I think you will know clearly when he is fading. He may very well just go to sleep and pass over. I think that would be a good thing.

My heart goes out to you. Soon he will be in Heaven and he will be okay. You are doing right to help him. Love, Margaret

[sharyn]

my heart just aches for you.... I strongly urge you to give your father any meds that will make him less agitated. When Daddy was nearing the end, we could hardly understand him, but he gained peacefulness by one of us just holding his hands... we held his hands or stroked his head constantly and just kept telling him we were there with him and he was not alone. I guarantee your Dad can understand everything you are saying to him... I personally told my Dad it was alright if he left... I felt maybe he needed to know we would be "ok".

I noticed no changes in his coloring, but his output of fluids was much decreased 24 hours or so before he passed... His breathing also became very "angular" or strained, but the morphine took away any of that realization from him. He never had the feeling of "not getting enough air". I pray for you and I pray that God in his kindest mercy welcomes your Dad with loving arms.

[J.C.]

My heart goes to you,

it is so hard to see a person in the last days.

I found the best was to keep the medication right on time

and accept all the sounds or expressions made as real

and not confusing (even if they were).

Prayers going your way.

Hugs

J.C.

[cmeandk]

I am so sorry to hear about your father. I will be praying for you and your family.

God bless!

[Ann]

I am so very sorry to hear this about your father. The first and foremost thing I would say is to make sure your father is comfortable and not experiencing any pain. Hospice should be making sure there is no pain. Call Hospice and ask questions!!! Don't worry about things not making sense. During this time, there is a world of difference in what your dad is seeing and thinking and what is "normal" for you. Just pay very close attention to some of the things is is saying and doing. These little things may provide many beautiful memories for you and give you a lot of insight to where your dad is right now. Remember that your dad can hear you and this is a great time for you to talk to him. He will know what you are saying, even if he can't respond. I will be keeping you and your dad in my prayers! Please remember that we are here for you. Oh...about the March 1st thing and social security. That's so very normal and very thoughtful on your dad's part. My husband knew I loved Christmas and he was determined to hold on until December 25th. For the last two weeks of his life, he would ask me if it was Christmas yet? He missed Christmas by ten days but he had something to focus on!

[kim]

Lori, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was with my mom for her final few days. The things I found most comfort in was just holding her hand and rubbing them for her. I would sit for hours holding her hand and remembering all the things those hands did for me; the tears they wiped and the whippings they gave , all the love that came from them. That was the time I made my peace with it and myself. I finally told myself that she was going to heaven soon, I mean REALLY made it clear to myself, and that that was okay. Try to make this time as special as possible, I know that sounds crazy, but later I think you will understand. You have, in a way, been given a gift. You will be there for him in the end, and it can help you heal. I know this all sounds so... wierd, but I just wanted to give you my honest feelings on what I went through with mom. This may sound crazy, but my mom's death was beautiful because she wasn't alone, and she had everyone with her who she loved and loved her. I told her it was okay, we understood, she could go. I was given a gift by be there, some of the final words she heard as she left us were me saying," I love you mommy." Just keep telling him how much you love him; for him and you. I'm so sorry that this is happening.

In answer to your question on the feet and hands; when the body starts to shut down, it tends to start at the feet. The body tries to conserve the oxygenated blood for the important organs like the heart and brain. So, everything moves up. My mom's feet became very motled, blue and cold, but I never told my Dad that, I just felt like that wasn't important for him to know at the time. This doesn't mean though that the end is very near, I have seen people in the hospital were I work hang on for weeks in this condition. It all comes down to when they are ready.

God bless you Lori, and your family. I will be praying for you.

[shelliemacs]

wow does this bring back awful times I went through as well. We kept dad in a morphine coma because of the pain (which we are still dealing with guilt there) and mom was like your dad, always restless, up, down, mumbling things we didn't hear or understand.

unfortunately we could do nothing but sit hold their hands and talk to them. we were terrified, YES, did we ache for them. YES.

The only way through this is just hold on tight and wait for it to be over. Maybe you will feel the peace I fealt knowing it was over. Maybe not. I am sorry your living this nightmare and I pray for your dad.