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so scared, thank you all, darvocet

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thanks to all you wonderful people who answered my last post. i'm afraid i'm a bit needy right now so please forgive my second post. it's been an extremely hard day with dad taking a turn for the worse. due to really terrible agitation and then pain, we gave dad darvocet.. when my brother went to waken him for dinner (which he barely eats but keith feels he must try to feed him) he was extremely hard to wake up and when he did his eyes were rolled in teh back of his head, he couldn't see us and was on like a differnet plant... and we both just lost it.. i had to leave the room and almost scream, i thought he was gone gone gone and well afriad also that the cancer had gone to his brain (his BIGGEST fear)..... i called hospice and they said it was the darvocet.. there was some relief there but i'm just so terrified of what tomorrow will bring. i know i'm trying to take it one step at a time......

this is soooooooooooo painful. i feel so alone as it's really only my brother and i and no one else. having eric my fiance here this weekend was wonderful as he's extrmeley wonderful, caring and helpful but he has to go back to work.. now it is just my brother and i, both full of grief and fear. i wish there was a midwife for dying or soemthing, someone who could be with us all the time. we have a home health aide starting tomorrow and i just hope she is the kind of person who can help us emotionaly at least a little as well. unfortunately we have no other family (motehr is still alive but divorced and she's emotioanlly fragile and I'd wind up taking care of her if she were here, somethign I don't need right now.)

i am so scared because i have been very "realistic" during his illness, always preparing myself for the worst. now that this time is coming, I am just not prepared at all and scared. i guess it's just fear of the incredible PAIN.. i'm really tempted to take drugs but which drugs.... im not asking for advice on that really as I"m not drug addition inclined and I know we have to work thorugh grief and not around it but I can handle the grief that lingers I think but not the grief that hits you like a cannonball when someone dies... i just hope and pray like some of you said that when he goes it will be peaceful but i hav a feeling not, as my dad is a fighter..... oh life feels so cruel right now..... i keep telling myself I have to be strong but I can be a wimp, i know it, and i just feel i'm going to fall to the floor... sorry to be such a wimp. i have been very strong earlier and took great care of my dad.... thanks everyone who read and replied. you are all angels... i hope i too can help at some point but right now mostly it's all i can do to keep myself eating and sleeping. thanksx.x.x..x. lori

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Oh, sweetie, I so much wish there was something I could do or say to help you. There is just nothing easy about this, but one thing I know is that YOU CAN DO THIS! Yes, you CAN.

I don't know how old you are, but you just must realize that dying is a part of living and we ALL HAVE TO DO IT EVENTUALLY! Right now, is your dad's time, and he just needs you to do like Sharon said on the other thread. Love him, talk to him, hold his hand, wipe his forehead, rub his legs.

Even try to have some fun in the room if you can bring yourself to do that. He will like that. He needs to hear laughter. He can hear everything you are saying, and it will do so much for his spirit if you and your brother can try to think of some fun things to do around him like play music, sing songs.

Turn on a funny TV show and you and your brother laugh OUT LOUD while you watch it. That will be good medicine for your dad. Please trust me! This is exactly what my brother and sisters and I did when my dad was dying and I know that he loved it. Try to bring some joy into the room and know that YOU CAN DO THIS!



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Lori, I wish I could take away your pain and offer words of advice, but I can't add anything to what these wonderful people have already told you. But, I will be praying for you, and your brother and dad. My friend told me once (after her mom died from breast cancer) that dying is like birth... so hard and painful, but once it's complete, so beautiful and peaceful... I can't imagine that pain you're feeling right now...

God bless you

((hugs)), prayers, and love,


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thank you so much everyone for writing. it really helps to hear from you and i you are so wonderful because it's so hard to find words to help the hurt but you have helped me and that is so appreciated, i look forward to getting to my computer to see messages so thank you...

my brother was So freaked out (as was I) about darvocet's effect on my dad earlier today and his eyes rolled back inhis head that he told me 'no more' but if my dad is in pain, or uncomfortable, which is the word he uses, i feel i must give him the darvocet. yes it's extmreely difficutl to have him drugged up and unresponsive but this is about caring for him and not us. he keeps telling me he's dying. i say is that okay, he says no but i have no choice. that really hurts. i wish for myself and for him that he would say okay, i've had a good life, i'm sick now.. it's okay... i'm mad too at the disease, i know that it';s normal and in dad's case self-inflicted... i'm just sad and mad and i know it's all normal> PEGGY I LOVED that you said I COULD DO THIS. thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also your sugestion of fun in teh room. we will try to think of songs.. even if silly to sing.. if i can get my brother to do it....... oh my oh my i wish I could sing at least 1 of the thousands of songs my father loves, songs from olden times, he loves whispering hope and of course amazing grace and shall we gather at the river.. love lori

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Lori, I feel your hurt and I feel horrible that you are going through this. But you do have to be strong around him.

Does anyone know about Hospice? I have not had a reason to use them, but I heard they visit the house, and they are wonderful. Could someone give Lori some insight on that. Also, what can be done to help her dad with the pain. I don't know what his prognosis is, but I know that people towards the end, could be made comfortable and as pain free as possible.

Lori, what does his doctor say about all his pain. I feel so helpless here, but there has to be something that the doctor can prescribe, even if it is pain medicine that he can have intervenously. Hospice or mabe the nurse can administer it.

If anybody has suggestions, please post.

Lori, hang in there.... be strong for him. Just give him all the love you can. You are a wonderful, caring daughter, you dad is so lucky.

Sorry I can't be of more help. I have not been in your situation, but plenty people here have, so I hope they can give suggestions.


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thanks for writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hospice is involved but they are not here all the time and unfortuantely they don't have a 24 hour line for social workers, only for nurses. dad is on darvocet but wow, it wigs him out. i just gave him another as he's extremely agitated .. it's so hard to know what do to to help him.. constantly moving around but needs assistance, i guess he jussst cannot get comfortable. i slept from 9 to mightnight but i think i'm up now unless darvocet gives him comfort and he's able to sleep............... i wish i had more family to help me................ lori thanks for your support.

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Lori, there is some chemical help for you, many here use it, even most, and it does not mean you are a druggie. Call your doctor in the morning and explain the situation. He might want to see you or he might just call something in for you, to help short term. Tell him anxiety is getting to you and you need some help with that. Anti-depressants can take days to kick in, something for anxiety will help right away. Do it!

Aye to the laughter. We put on soothing music for Jim and it soothed everybody down, even the dogs I think.

I don't know if this will be for you but for many people, right after it happens there is less grief and anxiety for a time, it is like a shield of protection goes around you. You are able to do this. You have been doing it, it is just hard. Of course it is hard.

Give Dad a kiss on the forehead from me. Margaret

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You can get some help for yourself to help you deal with this. When we learned of my husband's sudden multiple metastasis a week or so ago I FREAKED OUT. I couldn't stop crying, I felt panicky, I could not be alone in a room, not even with just my three year old, without my heart racing and getting an anxiety attack. One of Dave's docs prescribed me a low dose of xanax but I was afraid to take it because I didn't want to be a zombie and have to take care of the two of them. but my therpaist talked me into it and it worked beautifully! she also called my family doc who called me and talked me through it, what dose to take, how often, etc. and it has completely calmed me down and erased the panicky feelings without making me a zombie.

Try to get to see a doctor, your family doc if you're at home, I have the feeling you're out of town caring for your dad? maybe one of his doctors will see you and prescribe some xanax for you. I'm taking .5 mg which is low dose, .5 twice a day. it will also help you to think more clearly with these scary situations.

Another thing, no matter what, I believe it is very important to keep your father's pain level to a minimum. pain drains the energy from a person. pain does alot of bad things besides just hurting . . . so no matter what, try to find the right drug and the right dosage to manage his pain for him. it's important.

take care and God Bless,


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It is gut-wrenching to read your posts, but I am so glad you are doing this. I went through this with my father last August, and the memory is still very fresh.

Other than the restlessness, does your father say he is in pain? If you ask him why he is agitated, can he tell you? The agitation may not be pain; it may be something else.

Please, please take the time to read www.crossingthecreek.com. Then really listen to what your father says when he is agitated. Some people think it's just irrational rambling. I believe the dying person is sorting through his life, coming to peace with it all. He may need reassurance about something in particular, and by listening to what he's saying, you may be able to understand what's bothering him.

For instance, my dad had a lot of difficulty talking toward the end, but he brought up unfinished projects, like a ceiling fan that needed to be fixed. Just like him. He was a hard worker who defined his life by the quality of his work. We kept reassuring him that we would take care of it.

Please keep posting. We're real people out here and we really care. We want to help if we can.


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Oh Lori,

I am thinking of you and wishing you strength. Believe me, you can do this, you will do this and you will be stronger for it. All your feelings and emotions are so very normal - it is a feeling of complete and udder helplessness, but, you are helping your father more than you know just by being there. I like the idea of music, if you feel you can't sing (I know it would have been hard for me), how about a CD that was a favorite of your Dads? It may bring him comfort. I wish there was some "magic" I could tell you about that would make this easier on all of you, but unfortunately it is just something you must experience and you will get through it. I am concerned about your lack of sleep, when Daddy was close to the end, we all took turns sleeping in the lounge at the hospital... Someone would always stay with Dad and the deal was, if it looked like the end was coming, we would wake up the others... We did this for 6 days straight... and god bless the nurses, the were so patient with us all.... (there were always 6 of us there at any given time). Sleep deprivation is not good for you, and will just make you feel more "on end" then you already do... Please know I am thinking of you, and praying for you.... Love, Sharon

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