kimblanchard Posted February 28, 2005 Share Posted February 28, 2005 thanks to all you wonderful people who answered my last post. i'm afraid i'm a bit needy right now so please forgive my second post. it's been an extremely hard day with dad taking a turn for the worse. due to really terrible agitation and then pain, we gave dad darvocet.. when my brother went to waken him for dinner (which he barely eats but keith feels he must try to feed him) he was extremely hard to wake up and when he did his eyes were rolled in teh back of his head, he couldn't see us and was on like a differnet plant... and we both just lost it.. i had to leave the room and almost scream, i thought he was gone gone gone and well afriad also that the cancer had gone to his brain (his BIGGEST fear)..... i called hospice and they said it was the darvocet.. there was some relief there but i'm just so terrified of what tomorrow will bring. i know i'm trying to take it one step at a time...... this is soooooooooooo painful. i feel so alone as it's really only my brother and i and no one else. having eric my fiance here this weekend was wonderful as he's extrmeley wonderful, caring and helpful but he has to go back to work.. now it is just my brother and i, both full of grief and fear. i wish there was a midwife for dying or soemthing, someone who could be with us all the time. we have a home health aide starting tomorrow and i just hope she is the kind of person who can help us emotionaly at least a little as well. unfortunately we have no other family (motehr is still alive but divorced and she's emotioanlly fragile and I'd wind up taking care of her if she were here, somethign I don't need right now.) i am so scared because i have been very "realistic" during his illness, always preparing myself for the worst. now that this time is coming, I am just not prepared at all and scared. i guess it's just fear of the incredible PAIN.. i'm really tempted to take drugs but which drugs.... im not asking for advice on that really as I"m not drug addition inclined and I know we have to work thorugh grief and not around it but I can handle the grief that lingers I think but not the grief that hits you like a cannonball when someone dies... i just hope and pray like some of you said that when he goes it will be peaceful but i hav a feeling not, as my dad is a fighter..... oh life feels so cruel right now..... i keep telling myself I have to be strong but I can be a wimp, i know it, and i just feel i'm going to fall to the floor... sorry to be such a wimp. i have been very strong earlier and took great care of my dad.... thanks everyone who read and replied. you are all angels... i hope i too can help at some point but right now mostly it's all i can do to keep myself eating and sleeping. thanksx.x.x..x. lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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