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ramblings motivated by Shelley's post


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As I was driving in to school this morning, I heard one of my favorite songs, "One More Day" by Diamond Rio. Here are the lyrics:

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn't ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished, for one more day with you


One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl

Then I'd unplug the telephone

And keep the TV off

I'd hold you every second

Say a million I love you's

That's what I'd do, with one more day with you


Leave me wishing still, for one more day

Leave me wishing still, for one more day

I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days about Shelly's post - are we forever changed? - from a few days ago.

There are a number of differences between losing a spouse and losing a parent. I think the reality setting in that they are gone might be harder losing a parent than losing a spouse. Because we might go a week or two between conversations with a parent, it feels more like that time between conversations. When I lost Becky, it was apparent with every meal that she wasn't there. Going to sleep every night, it was apparent she wasn't beside me. So there are only a couple of very poignant moments in this journey when I forgot that she was gone.

Not that either is better or worse. That is a stupid question. It all sucks, and quantifying the suckage seems worthless.

Anyway, as I was listening to this song this morning, I was thinking about my new relationship with Kelly, another widow who I have been dating about six weeks or so. Our emotional connection is not so much that we have lost our spouses as that we have been changed by that similarly. We can't build a relationship on loss - forty years from now should we sit around saying how much it sucked back in the day? But we are both much more emotionally expressive than ever before. We are both much more in tune with ourselves than ever before, and more able and willing to communicate than ever before.

I watched some home movies with Katie last week. She was 15 months old or so, and it was a tremendously powerful experience for me. It always is. I was feeling a little guilty. Why have I been so much more romantic and expressive now than I had with Becky? Why so willing to be intimate? Why couldn't I show those things to Becky when she was alive? And the answer of course is that the most powerful experience of my life, walking with her through this battle, wasn't through yet. I had not received that ultimate acceptance that comes from looking this terror in the eye and having it strengthen our love and resolve to walk together. But at the same time, I was so moved by watching these home movies. Because of how completely I knew Becky. Every movement of her body was so familiar, the way she tucked her hair behind her ear, the way she leaned on her right butt cheek when getting off the carpet, and so on. And it made me realize that I didn't love her as well as I can now, but I did love her as well as I could then.

And finally back to this song again. One of the things I realize so deeply is that every relationship ends, at least in the form we know here. And when my relationship with Kelly ends, if it goes roughly the way I expect it to, one of us is going to be sitting here asking for one more day. And we both know that. And we both make each day more like the second verse, keeping the tv off and saying a million I love you's.

That is the challenge as I see it as we move to the other side of grief. We know too well that we may not get one more day. And so we have to make this day - the only one we can control - the day this song describes. And that is why I hope, to answer Shelley's question again, that we are forever changed. I hope we all live better because of the hard-earned appreciation we should have for the value of every day.

This day, though, won't live up to that because I will be working on stats the rest of the day. Damn real world has to be lived in, too, I guess. Oh well.



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Curtis, as usual, this is yet another tribute to your beautiful Becky. I also love that song. Each time I hear it I still cry. I often think about what I would have done with one more day with Dennis. I'm sure there are more things I would have said...but would he have heard and understood them? I would love to have one more day, if it could be one of the good days. I think I would have to pass on the last day being repeated, as it was horrible for all of us! I completely understand what you are saying about your emotions now versus then. I get all cracked up by Williw Nelson's song "You Were Always On My Mind." Come on ...you all know the words....maybe I didn't love you as often as I should have?????

Curtis, in day to day life, most of us always take everything for granted and expect life tommorrow to be as it is today. I know that I WAS certainly one of those folks.

Yes, I do believe my life is changed forever.

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