rinksgal Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 I'm just about to go nuts today. My boyfriend had his pet scan today and its all I could barely do to keep from loosing it totaly!! If his cancer has returned I don't think I can handle it!!! I swear its almost 3am here and all I can think about is that his cancer might be back!!! I so damn scared to even wake up tomorrow. I feel like if I don't go to bed that maybe tomorrow won't come!!! I know I sound crazy!! I'm just so scared and soooo damn afraid I won't be able to handle it!!! What if we get bad news and his cancer has spread. Won't that move him to a stage 4??? I heard any metastsis is a stage 4. I don't want to watch him dwindle down to nothing!! I don't think I can handle it!! But I can't leave him to deal with it alone either!!! I have to find strengthen somewhere!! Everyone tells me I can do it, and a good friend says I will find strengthen that I didn't know that I even had!! I don't see how!! I feel so torn right now. I just have this bad feeling about all of this!! I can't tell him how I feel, because I try to be strong for him. I try to encourage him, and to make him think I'm strong and that we will face it all head on and together!! But inside I don't feel that strong, what if I lose it?? I have to be his strengthen, I have to have enough for both of us!!! When inside I don't even think I can survive this night!!!! I know I sound crazy, but I'm scared to death!!!! Tonight he told me that he can handle anything, that as long as they can get rid of his fever, nothing can make him feel that bad!! Even if his cancer is back, he just wants his fever gone!! Its getting higher again, every day... He needs to start switching on and off again with tylenol 625mg, and ibruprphen 800mg, alternating every 4 hours between the 2. Thats what he had to do before they found his lung cancer... now that damn fever is messing him up again..... I feel inside, he thinks the fever is bad, but I'm scared that this might be the best he ever feels!!! What if everything only goes down hill!! I'm sorry but what and how do I handle it if that damn cancer is back!!!!!!!!!!! I can be possitive for him, almost all the time, but inside I will die everytime I see him suffer or go through any pain!!!!! I don't know if I"m ready for this, I know no one can ever be ready to watch someone they love suffer!!!!!!!! I pray to god that its not the cancer. Maybe the fever comes from something they haven't found!!! But hes just like he was before the first surgery, and now the sweats and fever is back, and he doesn't look good!! Hes always been the most possitive person and active person I've known, probably in my whole life!!!!!!!! and now he sleeps all the time again, and he feels bad all the time!!!!!! Please God help me get through this, please let him be ok, don't take my baby away from me!! I'm not ready for this battle!!!!!!!! I'm sorry I'm babbling, and tomorrow I will probably be embarssed for what I wrote, but tonight I'm just scared to death!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe they will know tomorrow about the results of his pet scan he had today....... I didn't think we'd know that soon!!! I don't think I will sleep a wink all night!!!!!!!!!! If its back, I don't know what Iwill do or how I will be able to cope!!!!!!!!! I feel if god is listening he won't let it come back!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 I am with you today. I understand all your fears and concerns and worries. I am in the same boat today. We got really good news on Wednesday that moms cancer was really almost gone. they actually used the word remission. then Thursday night the onc. called and something was wrong with the blood that they took wednesday and he needed to see her. He said her calcium was way high. According to the internet this could mean that the cancer has spread to the bones. So while I sit here and wait with you for news. We can comfort each other. I will pray for your boyfriend along with my mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rinksgal Posted July 11, 2003 Author Share Posted July 11, 2003 Shelli, The doctor called us about 30 minutes ago and said he wants us to come into the office at 2:45 today. He wants to go over the test results with us. This tells me that its not good!!! Other wise he would tell us on the phone, if it was clear? Right????? I don't want to read something into it but thats what it tells me. A good friend told me well maybe they didn't find anything but he just wants to do some more blood work and look for something else. But I still don't think so, because he would have relieved our minds and then told us that he wanted to do some more checking... I just know the news is bad. I've been trying to psych myself up for this today, to be prepared so that I don't fall apart!!! I hope I can do this!! I will be thinking about you and your mother today, please let me know what you find out!!! I will also pray for your mother!!!! May God be with all of us today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 ok say there is something there to tell you. it may not be as bad as your making it in your mind. It is probably treatable anyway, there is miraculous treatments out there now. so dont panic. there are new and more treatments every day, there is a treatment for everything now. I am doing the same thing though. I got the call and nothing can be determined until the PEt scan next friday and then who knows after that when they will decide to read it and get back to us. they told us it happens in cancer patients. they are not sure why or what is causing my moms. but thats where we are. waiting again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 (((((((Rinksgal))))))) & ((((((((((Shellie)))))))))) Oh I just wish I could come through the computer and hug both of you. I am so sorry you about both going through so much agonizing waiting. It's horrible. I am saying prayers for you both to get good news. Carleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 hOLD ON EVERYONE, STAGE IV CAN GO INTO REMISSION TOO. MY HUSBAND BUDDY AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE WAS SO DOWN AND OUT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE OVER BY NOW FOR HIM BUT HE IS STILL WITH ME AND GETTING SOMEWHAT STRONGER EACH DAY. I AM SITTING HERE AT THE COMPUTER AND HE IS OUT DOING HIS DAILY EXERCISE BY WALKING THE NEIGHBORHOOD (SLOWLY). BUT SLOW OR FAST, IT LOOKS GREAT. SO HANG IN THERE BOTH OF YOU RINK AND SHELLY AND TAKE IT AS IT COMES. ALL THE ANGER AND WORRY RIGHT NOW ARE NOT WORTH IT. ENJOY EACH DAY THAT YOU HAVE WITH YOUR LOVED ONES. GOD BLESS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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