Jump to content

has anyone dealt with grieving the deceased person's grief?


Recommended Posts


my father, who died on march 3, was a wonderful man, but also a bit of a tortured soul. He was a "functioning alcoholic," but very tormented by untreated depression, particularly during the last six to ten years of his life. I am currently feeeling oh so deeply my own grief, but also I feel HIS grief, HIS sadness over his life, HIS regrets, HIS loss of his life, and all that. had anyone took on another person's grief in this way, and what did you do to get over it? I look at pictures of him taken when he was sick and EVEn befoe he was sick his face is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sad, it kills me, just kills me. So painful for me. I love him so much despite his tormented soul, he is/was a good person, a loving man....

I LOVE my father so much and it HURTS me so much that he was so tortured in his mind and was UNABLe or unwilling or didn't know how to help himself. Now he is gone and I am left with my grief and his..... anyone have any words?

THanks so much, this is killing me, honestly.


Link to comment
Share on other sites


His burden is a grief you picked up. It was not given to you to carry, you picked it up. Put it back down. Visualize yourself putting down a heavy box...and let it go.

You were not in your father's head. You are looking at pictures and reading into them. Whether he was or he wasn't depressed is a moot point. Now is not the time to worry about it, not the time to torture yourself wondering about it. This was HIS burden and something that you should have left where he left it. He didn't take it with him when he left, he had no use for it and neither do you.

Put it down and step away. What is done is done and you cannot change it now.

Take care,


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lori I have to agree with what snowflake has said but it is easier said than done. I know because I have delt with it even before Johnny's death. He was a good person better than most. It took a lot of courage and strength for him to work past the problems in his life on his own but he did it and did a good job of it. Yet when everyone kept insisting that he was dying no matter how well he felt he became frightened. He remembered all of the mistakes he had made in his life and somehow felt that he was being punished for them. That happened because he wasn't taught that God is a kind and loving God but a vengeful one and that their is very little chance that anyone can get to Heaven much less someone who had had problems or what others would consider faults. He was terrified of death because of that.

I saw what was happening to him. I knew about all of the people who had betrayed him in his life. I also knew that he was truly happy for the first time in his life. Yes I feel his grief as surly as I feel my own. I try to turn it over to God but sometimes it is just too much to deal with. Add the fact that the way he died was another betrayal of trust and it becomes something that torments me even on my best days.

The one thing I do know without a doubt is that he is in a much better place. He lives on in a life that is no longer full of the torment that he knew in this one. Take solace from that because no matter how much we wish that we could take the pain they felt in their lives away we can't but we can rejoyce that they no longer have to suffer that torment. It is only us who suffer now and I would rather suffer than know that he would still be tormented.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lori, I agree with LilyJohn, your dad is in much better place. He is contented and feeling whole again. You have been a wonderful daughter to take care of him during his most difficult time. What would he have done without you by his side. He was truly blessed!!!

You took his grief, now let it go. He would not want to burden you in this way at all. He would want you to remember him and get on with your life. We all have to grieve for a lost love one. But please after a time let it go, as it will keep him earthbound, he has to move on without worrying about you.

Take care honey, you have been his guardian angel.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.