I'm Going Crazy With Worry!!!!!!!!!!

[rinksgal]

I'm just about to go nuts today. My boyfriend had his pet scan today and its all I could barely do to keep from loosing it totaly!! If his cancer has returned I don't think I can handle it!!! I swear its almost 3am here and all I can think about is that his cancer might be back!!! I so da_ _ scared to even wake up tomorrow. I feel like if I don't go to bed that maybe tomorrow won't come!!! I know I sound crazy!! I'm just so scared and soooo da_ _ afraid I won't be able to handle it!!! What if we get bad news and his cancer has spread. Won't that move him to a stage 4??? I heard any metastsis is a stage 4. I don't want to watch him dwindle down to nothing!! I don't think I can handle it!! But I can't leave him to deal with it alone either!!! I have to find strengthen somewhere!! Everyone tells me I can do it, and a good friend says I will find strengthen that I didn't know that I even had!! I don't see how!! I feel so torn right now. I just have this bad feeling about all of this!! I can't tell him how I feel, because I try to be strong for him. I try to encourage him, and to make him think I'm strong and that we will face it all head on and together!! But inside I don't feel that strong, what if I lose it?? I have to be his strengthen, I have to have enough for both of us!!! When inside I don't even think I can survive this night!!!! I know I sound crazy, but I'm scared to death!!!!

Tonight he told me that he can handle anything, that as long as they can get rid of his fever, nothing can make him feel that bad!! Even if his cancer is back, he just wants his fever gone!! Its getting higher again, every day... He needs to start switching on and off again with tylenol 625mg, and ibruprphen 800mg, alternating every 4 hours between the 2. Thats what he had to do before they found his lung cancer... now that da_ _ fever is messing him up again..... I feel inside, he thinks the fever is bad, but I'm scared that this might be the best he ever feels!!! What if everything only goes down hill!! I'm sorry but what and how do I handle it if that da_ _ cancer is back!!!!!!!!!!! I can be possitive for him, almost all the time, but inside I will die everytime I see him suffer or go through any pain!!!!! I don't know if I"m ready for this, I know no one can ever be ready to watch someone they love suffer!!!!!!!! I pray to god that its not the cancer. Maybe the fever comes from something they haven't found!!! But hes just like he was before the first surgery, and now the sweats and fever is back, and he doesn't look good!! Hes always been the most possitive person and active person I've known, probably in my whole life!!!!!!!! and now he sleeps all the time again, and he feels bad all the time!!!!!! Please God help me get through this, please let him be ok, don't take my baby away from me!! I'm not ready for this battle!!!!!!!! I'm sorry I'm babbling, and tomorrow I will probably be embarssed for what I wrote, but tonight I'm just scared to death!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe they will know tomorrow about the results of his pet scan he had today....... I didn't think we'd know that soon!!! I don't think I will sleep a wink all night!!!!!!!!!! If its back, I don't know what Iwill do or how I will be able to cope!!!!!!!!! I feel if god is listening he won't let it come back!!!!!!!!!

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[Debi]

I have not had to go for any check ups yet since I just had my surgery recently, but you know...I am going to be just as stressed as you are right now when I do!

I hope that they get to the bottom of why your boyfriend is running a fever but remember, it doesn't mean that this is a death sentence. I know that you are just having a terrrible night, and I think all can relate to how you feel. I feel your pain and your heartache but you know, after reading the posts on the board, even if the cancer has come back....it CAN be fought! And we don't even know THAT yet!

Please post the results tomorrow of what they found. And don't forget, you may be awake all night but you're not really alone. I'll be thinking of you over here and sending good wishes your way!!!

Debi

46 years old

Stage 1A NSCLC

Surgery June 16th, upper and mid lobe right lung removed

[shelliemacs]

i am sitting up with you too. We had gotten such good news on wednesday, they even used the word remission. then the bottom fell out again onthursday wehn the onc. called and said there was something wrong with moms blood work that they did not catch the day before. they said her calcium was too high. they want to see her friday. I read on the internet it means cancer in the bones so I too am up all night. I feel every single emotion your trying to describe.

i will pray for and with you for him today.

[rinksgal]

Deb and Shelli

Thanks for your support!!! I'm still a basket case, especially since his doctor called a little bit ago and wants us to come into his office at 2:45pm today to go over the results of the test with us. I just know this means bad news!! I was so hoping that they had got his lung cancer early enough so that it wouldn't spread. It wasn't even in his nodes, the ones they checked were clear. I knew it could spread through the blood without ever getting into the nodes. But I was just hoping this wasn't true!! I know I'm jumping the gun here, but I know Doctors give results over the phone everyday unless its something bad!!

I will pray for mom today to shelli!! My thoughts and prayers are with all of you on this site!!!!!!!! Sometimes its nice to come here and express what I'm feeling, because sometimes I just can't talk to others about what I'm feeling and going through inside!!!! Its a Living HE__!!! I'm also keeping a journal, it helps me get some of my feelings out!!

I've got to finished getting ready so I'm gonna go... I will let you guys know what we find out!!! God Please don't let it be back!!!!! Pleaseeee!!!!