i told my father that i'd be okay but i LIED!

[kimblanchard]

you know how you read in the books that it's important to let your loved ones know that it's okay to go, that we will take care of everything, that we'll be okay.. well i told my father that to help him have peace but I think I LIED because i don't feel okay, and I miss him so much and i wish instead I would have told him how DEVASTATED i am!!!!! Now i want to tell him, Daddy, I'm not okay, I"m so sad, I miss you so much. Can i please give you another hug? How can you be gone? Taking care of him his last six weeks was so hard, and so exhausting and well I was just running on fumes and emotionally so draining, but those weeks were SO precious and I would give anything to be right there back with him again, loving him better, and telling him that I'm not going to be okay so please don't leave.

lori

[Carolsdaughter]

Dear Lori,

You did what you need to do and you acted in a way that a loving daughter should have. Be kind to yourself. This is part of the healing and try to live just one day at a time. I know how hard this is... and your emotions are common.

If you can, take a walk and enjoy some sunshine if you have it where you live right now.

Hugs, Shelly

[kimblanchard]

If you had spent his last six weeks telling him not to go because you wouldn't be able to go on, he still would have died, but in more mental pain, and you would be posting about how guilty you felt for adding on to his hardship during that time.

It is normal to feel that way, but it is also simply not in tune with reality. Your pain is immense right now, but would you really trade it to put your father back into that pain?

So my point I guess is that you should really quit beating yourself up for feeling this way because you don't really feel that way in the first place.

My night for tough love, I guess.

Curtis

[cindi o'h]

Lori.

I hear you. It is so painful. Hang in there. It will stop hurting so bad one day.

Cindi o'h

[kim]

Lori, try to imagine the peace your father feels in heaven right now. No pain, no shortness of breath, just love and peace. He would want that for you right now. You will see him again, right now I'm sure he would want you to LIVE your life, not just exist. Go outside and look at all the wonderful things God has created for us. The earth is going through a rebirth right now, and it's time for you to too. I know you miss him more than word can discribe, but if you concentrate on all that hurt, then all you will feel is the hurt. I'm sure your Dad wants you to be happy for him, he's in heaven. I'm sure HE is. Let go of the hurt instead of holding on tight to it. There are so many better ways to remember him than through all this pain. I still have a good cry and wish my Mom could just hug me and to hear her voice again would be heaven on earth, but I know I will get both of those wishes when my day comes, and she is standing there to lead me home with a hug and a Hello in that sweet voice that can only be my mom's. I look forward to that day, but not so much that I stop living. Your father lived and that is what I'm sure he wants you to do. If you need to talk just PM me.

[berisa]

(((Lori))), I do so understand what you are feeling....I am experiencing it also. Dad would be forever in your heart. When you are walking on the road or in the park, when the wind breezes, you will feel he is always in your heart and around you. I hope your pain will be eased from time to time.

[lilyjohn]

When I first found Johnny again I was not sure that we would ever see one another again much less be together. At that time I wrote a poem for him. He told me that he loved it so much that he would always keep it with him. The night after his death I was desperate to know that he was alright because I knew how much he wanted to live. I have so many questions about his death but as I put in another post the one that haunts me the most is "is he alright does he still exist?" I was so desperate that night that I begged him and I prayed to God to let me know that he is alright and not afraid anymore. Then quite by accident I found the poem I had written for him. It was as if he were using my words to comfort me. That poem disappeared that night and I was not to find it again until a time that the torment of that question threatened to destroy me.

I still have terrible days when that question bothers me, days when I feel guilt for so many things words that were spoken and things that I missed. When the pain gets to bad I find that poem and read it again. It is as if when I wrote it it was meant to help me now. When I read it I picture Johnny in all of those places and circumstances telling me that he will always be with me. I hope that it can give you and maybe someone else a small measure of peace.

I'll be with you

In the early hours of morning as nature for a new day does prepare

Close your eyes and think of me and I will be there

When you walk beside the sea and the wind blows on your face

Think of the one who loves you in a far off distant place

When Spring begins in earnest all the world to renew

I'll share in the beauty as I walk beside you

It the warm soft days of summer when gentle breezes softly blow

Think of all the love we shared in a time so long ago

In the lazy days of Autum with it's colors red and gold

Think of a love that has never grown old

In the cold damp days of Winter when the sun the clouds do hide

I'll be there to warm you, I am always by your side

I pray that when the years have passed and this life grows to an end

There will be a new life to share our love again

[SFAstudent]

Your poem is so beautiful. I find it to be very comforting. Thank you for sharing it here.